How would you LIKE to be treated in a social situation?

[DogwoodTree]

What would a successful social interaction look like to you? If you're in a situation where people are doing the chit-chat thing, and you want to connect but have no clue how to do it, what would it look like if you somehow managed to figure it out? Is your script the ONLY thing that would be comfortable to you, and then end the conversation before the script is over? Or would you actually like the idea of finding a way to connect on something if you could just figure out how to do that, and it was someone you felt you could trust to like you no matter what happens?

There's this lady at church who is about my age, kids my kids' ages, we both homeschool. I don't know as I'd call her an aspie, but it has been really hard to get to know her over the past two years that we've been going to this church, even though she constantly reaches out to talk to me almost every week. But it never goes past the same script. So now I'm wondering if maybe part of the problem is that she actually does have aspie traits, and she's clinging to a script, too, and any time I've attempted to talk about something else besides clothes or homeschooling (her chosen topics), she clams up.

So now I'm wondering...is she so dependent on her script to feel secure that it's pointless for me to even try to connect in some other way? Or would she appreciate an effort from me on some level to show her how much I want to get to know her and develop a deeper friendship?

It's kind of like I said on that other thread about being alone...I feel like we both have so much in common, but both of us are too afraid to step out of our comfort zones long enough to trust that someone else might actually like the real "me" underneath the facade.

 

[Turk]

Although I do have my scripts, they tend to be backups, these days. If I can calm my anxiety and listen to what people are saying, I can glean enough information for spontaneous conversation. But there are so many external and internal factors, that screw with my delicate balance. So conversation does take the shape I want it to, on occasions, but the damage my social life has sustained over a lifetime, has me a little too isolated to practice it. My ideal conversation would be a one on one, in a location without too much visual or auditory stimuli. Confident speakers also ease my anxiety, as i feel it places less pressure on me to fill gaps of awkwardness.

 

[bentHnau]

If you're in a situation where people are doing the chit-chat thing, and you want to connect but have no clue how to do it, what would it look like if you somehow managed to figure it out?

I would not attempt to connect in a situation with multiple people. One-on-one, the other person would simply tell me why she is interacting with me so that I would have a basis on which to decide whether or not interacting would be fruitful (for either of us), and then possibly a few concrete things that are very important to her so that we have something to talk about. We would ask one another direct questions and be genuinely interested in the responses, and there would be few restrictions about how "deep" the conversation got.

I connect with people based on their personality (not so much interests), so I would need the opportunity to see what she is like.

Is your script the ONLY thing that would be comfortable to you, and then end the conversation before the script is over?

I don't really have any scripts besides "please" and "thank you." On the occasions on which I go beyond that, it's not comfortable.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Although I do have my scripts, they tend to be backups, these days. If I can calm my anxiety and listen to what people are saying, I can glean enough information for spontaneous conversation. But there are so many external and internal factors, that screw with my delicate balance. So conversation does take the shape I want it to, on occasions, but the damage my social life has sustained over a lifetime, has me a little too isolated to practice it. My ideal conversation would be a one on one, in a location without too much visual or auditory stimuli. Confident speakers also ease my anxiety, as i feel it places less pressure on me to fill gaps of awkwardness.

This makes sense. Personally, I despise the scripts. I hate them. Everyone has scripts (aspie/normal/whatever), but it's so not-real that I feel like there's not been a connection at all if the script is the only thing running the show. Most people seem satisfied with the scripts that most conversations take, but I always feel like this just exacerbates the acting job I'm always relying on. But apparently my friend (not much more than an acquaintance, actually) very much needs the script to feel comfortable.

So this begs the question: Can two aspies connect? Is Asperger's the kind of thing where people can't connect because they're playing by different rules, or is it where people can't connect because they're simply incapable of connecting?

So if I play by my friend's rules (may as well be her rules as anyone else's, right?), is there the possibility of developing a more intimate friendship? Or could she be so dependent on the script that she'll never be comfortable with anything else?

I'm not trying to manipulate her, just figure out what she might be wanting in the relationship. She is so faithful to talk to me each week...I really would like to get to know her better. But all of my attempts to go beyond the script end up shutting down the conversation. I can't tell if the problem is my not catching what she wants from me, or that she's simply not interested in anything more than our weekly conversation about what we're wearing ("oh that's so cute") and how the kids are doing in school ("we're good, just been a busy week") with no detail, just the same lines over and over. But if that's her "security blanket", then I want to respect that, you know?

You said that a confident speaker eases your anxiety. What if you're talking to another aspie? Are you, therefore, actually less able to connect with someone who sounds as insecure as you feel?

 

[Turk]

Ill answer the last part of your question first. Yes talking to insecure people can be an issue for me. As I've stated in other posts, I tend to be society's mirror. So other people's insecurities, promote insecurities in me. I've had some really awkward conversations around this premise. I have found the best conversationalists are the people, who best listen.
Aspie's for me, on the other hand are a different story. We are wired similarly, and I understand the nature of our base programming. When I talk to an aspie, I have a system of moving them onto their special interest. Most aspies, when talking about their special interest are very confident and articulate. I then mirror their confidence and a connection is made. With confidence comes comfort, and then the sharing of information that reaches beyond those safe topics.I've connected with people on this site, who have engaged me in conversation, at a level that has been exhilarating, and beyond the realms of NT's. Once the ice is broken under this type of methodology, conversation just flows.
As for your friend, is she an aspie, or just a little shy?. How long have you known her? It may take a little time, to tease bits and pieces, from her. But I do hear what your saying. Even the hardest stones can be worn down by the gentle waves of persistence. When I observe some of the more charismatic personalities, in a conversation, they ask borderline personal questions, while sharing some of their own. They seem to hold their audience, based on this philosophy. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking a little more of your friend. There are people I wouldn't of got to know if they didn't take the risk and push my boundaries.
Ironically, I spend a lot of time out in society, observing behaviours like this, but I don't actively seek friendships for myself. I do what I do to integrate at a work level, and forced social outings. Strange creatures, are we not?

 

[DogwoodTree]

As I've stated in other posts, I tend to be society's mirror. So other people's insecurities, promote insecurities in me. I've had some really awkward conversations around this premise. I have found the best conversationalists are the people, who best listen.
Aspie's for me, on the other hand are a different story. We are wired similarly, and I understand the nature of our base programming. When I talk to an aspie, I have a system of moving them onto their special interest. Most aspies, when talking about their special interest are very confident and articulate. I then mirror their confidence and a connection is made. With confidence comes comfort, and then the sharing of information that reaches beyond those safe topics.

Now that's a good insight. I do try to figure out the other person's interests and get them talking, and I'll even engage in their excitement about it if it catches my interest at all, especially if they're really passionate about it.

I've got another friend at church who IS borderline aspie...it's funny when we get together because we're both trying to get the other one to talk, lol.

What clues you in that someone's an aspie? What do you notice?

As for your friend, is she an aspie, or just a little shy?. How long have you known her? It may take a little time, to tease bits and pieces, from her. But I do hear what your saying. Even the hardest stones can be worn down by the gentle waves of persistence.

I met her almost 2 years ago...seen her on a weekly basis at church, and gotten together a few other times so the kids could play together. I don't think she's an aspie...the pieces don't fit. But I think it's something more than shyness, too. I know some of her family members...I think there's probably a traumatic background there that's caused some problems. Then I've been going through some crazy stuff myself the past 6 months and haven't really been able to take full advantage of any opportunities she might have made available during that time--there have been days I can't talk to anyone and absolutely have to leave before there's any conversation at all (not so much aspie stuff, more just plain craziness in my head).

Strange creatures, are we not?

No freakin' kidding

 

[Turk]

I don't really know many aspie's, in my real life, but my son who is also an aspie and I , make a bit of a game of spotting our brotherhood. To us, we are looking for eye contact avoidance, a general look of anxiousness, fidgeting and a particular type of sentence construction. Its not always easy to spot, which is why diagnosis, is painstaking, especially for women. These are not always key identifiers though. But a lot can be said about "it takes an aspie to spot an aspie" The sensing of it almost feels subliminal.
I can appreciate the awkwardness of revisiting lost opportunity, in building friendships. It's a difficult situation, if you don't know the woman's pre existing issues. Is there someone she knows well, you could use as a lead into conversation.

 

[May Black]

I'm going to consider she's NT, and is just shy. From what you're describing she seems to have very low self esteem, which can be caused by several things. How is your social status? Are you significantly smarter than her? Maybe she was in an abusive relationship in the past? If she's interested in you, she might get so nervous that she doesn't know what to say. She might also be a completely boring person who watches Days of our Lives all day long and simply doesn't have anything else to talk about. Do you have any common interests at all besides going to church? Maybe try discussing the sermon?

I'd probably try suggesting a common activity for your children. It will have to be something that will naturally give you topics to talk about other than clothes and home schooling, maybe a day trip to a museum or something like that. Make it look like it's about the kids, tell her you're considering taking your children to this cool place and suggest they come as well.

What clues you in that someone's an aspie? What do you notice?

This is a very difficult question, because all Aspies are different. Sometimes you can't tell unless you know the person extremely well, and sometimes it's very obvious. Generally it will be an odd requirement that will make me notice it, or a way of using words. Does she wear the same kind of clothes all the time? Any oddities in her movement? Don't take this the wrong way, but is there anything slightly robotic about her? Does she express emotions or is her language very factual?

 

[May Black]

But a lot can be said about "it takes an aspie to spot an aspie" The sensing of it almost feels subliminal.
.

This. Even though I've worked with kids on the spectrum and I score borderline Aspie myself, I can't sense the small signs always. It's much more analytical for me. I'd say I think like and Aspie and feel like an NT, I need to talk to one to spot one.

 

[Ylva]

If someone behaved like that toward me, it would be because they are just playing the role of a nice person, and that role would include speaking to people who weren't quite like everyone else.

I prefer not to hobby diagnose people. I can do that with characters.

 

[DogwoodTree]

... a particular type of sentence construction.

As an author, this statement fascinates me. What kind of sentence construction?

Is there someone she knows well, you could use as a lead into conversation.

It's a tight, family-oriented church, with multiple generations for several of the families. For being such a small group, it's amazing how many extended families who aren't related to each other are there. So I know her mom and step-dad, some of her cousins, and an aunt (her family is the core group that started this church). But...her mom is one of the team pastors and one of the ladies who has been helping me through my...craziness. And she is very good about connecting without giving personal details, if that makes sense. I don't know...the whole family seems to be in this pastor-mode where it's hard for them to know who they can trust to open up to. I guess it just takes time.

How is your social status? Are you significantly smarter than her? Maybe she was in an abusive relationship in the past? If she's interested in you, she might get so nervous that she doesn't know what to say. She might also be a completely boring person who watches Days of our Lives all day long and simply doesn't have anything else to talk about. Do you have any common interests at all besides going to church? Maybe try discussing the sermon?

I made a "strongly good" impression when we first joined this church...played the role well. Admittedly, I've had to work through some misconceptions from people thinking I'm unapproachable and snooty when really I'm just introverted and good at hiding my weirdness (until 6 months ago anyway)...though maybe that's the same thing, lol. Hrmph. My family has a really bad problem with trying to look like we've "got it all together" when really we're just as messed up as anyone else, if not more so. So there may be some of that going on from her perspective. She's definitely not a boring person, though--very smart and attentive. Her DH is much more relaxed socially, and he and my DH have hit it off well.

...maybe a day trip to a museum or something like that. Make it look like it's about the kids, tell her you're considering taking your children to this cool place and suggest they come as well.

That's a really good idea! DH and I love museum trips with our kids...we have a couple of memberships. This might work. Thank you!

I prefer not to hobby diagnose people.

Point taken. I think I see what you mean. I want to adjust to what she needs in the relationship, if I can figure that out, but trying to "diagnose" her and stick her in a box isn't fair.

 

[Turk]

As an author, this statement fascinates me. What kind of sentence construction?



It's a tight, family-oriented church, with multiple generations for several of the families. For being such a small group, it's amazing how many extended families who aren't related to each other are there. So I know her mom and step-dad, some of her cousins, and an aunt (her family is the core group that started this church). But...her mom is one of the team pastors and one of the ladies who has been helping me through my...craziness. And she is very good about connecting without giving personal details, if that makes sense. I don't know...the whole family seems to be in this pastor-mode where it's hard for them to know who they can trust to open up to. I guess it just takes time.



I made a "strongly good" impression when we first joined this church...played the role well. Admittedly, I've had to work through some misconceptions from people thinking I'm unapproachable and snooty when really I'm just introverted and good at hiding my weirdness (until 6 months ago anyway)...though maybe that's the same thing, lol. Hrmph. My family has a really bad problem with trying to look like we've "got it all together" when really we're just as messed up as anyone else, if not more so. So there may be some of that going on from her perspective. She's definitely not a boring person, though--very smart and attentive. Her DH is much more relaxed socially, and he and my DH have hit it off well.



That's a really good idea! DH and I love museum trips with our kids...we have a couple of memberships. This might work. Thank you!



Point taken. I think I see what you mean. I want to adjust to what she needs in the relationship, if I can figure that out, but trying to "diagnose" her and stick her in a box isn't fair.

Hmmmmm, for some reason I knew you were going to ask this. First off I need to state, that these are just my perceptions and not a documented phenomenon. They came from watching my son growing up, the circles he moves in, my limited contact with aspies, and the written work of other aspies.
Remembering also, I'm not trying to box our condition, and there are exceptions to this rule.
I have noticed, that by the time most of the world have hit the later stages of life, they have established a framework for dialogue. A rotation of words and structure , that cycle and become a pattern. Despite the English language being expansive, there is almost a conformity, to what people use.
When I look at aspie's, especially high functioning one's, I see something different. I see a different rotation of structure and words, particularly in free flowing, non structured conversation. For instance, take myself ; I hate using the same rotation of words, so I might use a word that is apt, but not a common choice. I also believe that when we have free flowing conversation, because of the inherent difficulties, our brains pluck words, in a desperate attempt to keep up with our mouths.
I cant point at word a say " that's an aspie word". Its far more complex than that.
The structure side of things is even harder to explain. When I talk to an aspie about their special interest for instance. There is an almost analytical structure, that expands, evolves, and self checks. When I look at the way the NT world communicates this generally happens, through the other party asking questions. It's almost like the Aspie is anticipating the need for further explanation, and just keeps adding to it. There are probably other types of eccentrics that fit this type of modelling, but I watch society closely, always looking for the difference factor. This is only one of many tools, I use as key identifiers, and not a stand alone method. Not that I can change it, but it's good to know anyway.

 

[May Black]

Hmmmmm, for some reason I knew you were going to ask this. First off I need to state, that these are just my perceptions and not a documented phenomenon. They came from watching my son growing up, the circles he moves in, my limited contact with aspies, and the written work of other aspies.
Remembering also, I'm not trying to box our condition, and there are exceptions to this rule.
I have noticed, that by the time most of the world have hit the later stages of life, they have established a framework for dialogue. A rotation of words and structure , that cycle and become a pattern. Despite the English language being expansive, there is almost a conformity, to what people use.
When I look at aspie's, especially high functioning one's, I see something different. I see a different rotation of structure and words, particularly in free flowing, non structured conversation. For instance, take myself ; I hate using the same rotation of words, so I might use a word that is apt, but not a common choice. I also believe that when we have free flowing conversation, because of the inherent difficulties, our brains pluck words, in a desperate attempt to keep up with our mouths.
I cant point at word a say " that's an aspie word". Its far more complex than that.
The structure side of things is even harder to explain. When I talk to an aspie about their special interest for instance. There is an almost analytical structure, that expands, evolves, and self checks. When I look at the way the NT world communicates this generally happens, through the other party asking questions. It's almost like the Aspie is anticipating the need for further explanation, and just keeps adding to it. There are probably other types of eccentrics that fit this type of modelling, but I watch society closely, always looking for the difference factor. This is only one of many tools, I use as key identifiers, and not a stand alone method. Not that I can change it, but it's good to know anyway.

Yes to everything. It has been studied and it will be one of the things they'll make you aware of when you start teaching children on the spectrum. Aspies tend to construct more complex sentences, and are inclined to use unusual or archaic words. The results can be absolutely brilliant or hilariously bad. You perceive information differently as well, sadly, most school books are designed for NT children.
This is a personal observation, but having worked with both NT and Aspie children, your entire way of thinking seems to follow the same analytical structure, which you described, and which is rarely found in NT children. I thoroughly enjoyed teaching Aspies, partly because I didn't need to come up with ways to explain grammatical systems that were logical to me, I could simply present them. I feel that even rather gifted NT children have greater need of mechanical learning process and repetition than less than mediocre Aspies.

Have you read David Tennant's "Born on a Blue Day?" If not, you might find it interesting.

That's a really good idea! DH and I love museum trips with our kids...we have a couple of memberships. This might work. Thank you!

Glad I could help.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I have noticed, that by the time most of the world have hit the later stages of life, they have established a framework for dialogue. A rotation of words and structure , that cycle and become a pattern. Despite the English language being expansive, there is almost a conformity, to what people use.
When I look at aspie's, especially high functioning one's, I see something different. I see a different rotation of structure and words, particularly in free flowing, non structured conversation. For instance, take myself ; I hate using the same rotation of words, so I might use a word that is apt, but not a common choice. I also believe that when we have free flowing conversation, because of the inherent difficulties, our brains pluck words, in a desperate attempt to keep up with our mouths.
I cant point at word a say " that's an aspie word". Its far more complex than that.
The structure side of things is even harder to explain. When I talk to an aspie about their special interest for instance. There is an almost analytical structure, that expands, evolves, and self checks. When I look at the way the NT world communicates this generally happens, through the other party asking questions. It's almost like the Aspie is anticipating the need for further explanation, and just keeps adding to it. There are probably other types of eccentrics that fit this type of modelling, but I watch society closely, always looking for the difference factor. This is only one of many tools, I use as key identifiers, and not a stand alone method. Not that I can change it, but it's good to know anyway.

My brain is drooling...this is a lot to think about, lol.

Okay, I'm truly interested, not just being nice. If you get in the mood to ramble for a while on this, I would love to read it!!

I'm the kid who loved diagramming sentences in English class. I picture sentences by the components that make them up, I move them around, look for a good balance of symmetry and asymmetry. Grammatical errors drive me batty--if a review on amazon says "This book is great but could use an editor," I rarely buy the book because it would stress me out too much. Doesn't mean I never make a mistake, but most of the time when I break a grammatical rule, it's on purpose.

To think that this is part of being an aspie...that it could be identified in others...keep talking.

Yes to everything. It has been studied and it will be one of the things they'll make you aware of when you start teaching children on the spectrum. Aspies tend to construct more complex sentences, and are inclined to use unusual or archaic words. The results can be absolutely brilliant or hilariously bad. You perceive information differently as well, sadly, most school books are designed for NT children.
This is a personal observation, but having worked with both NT and Aspie children, your entire way of thinking seems to follow the same analytical structure, which you described, and which is rarely found in NT children. I thoroughly enjoyed teaching Aspies, partly because I didn't need to come up with ways to explain grammatical systems that were logical to me, I could simply present them. I feel that even rather gifted NT children have greater need of mechanical learning process and repetition than less than mediocre Aspies.

I have a degree in psychology and a degree in education, I homeschool my kids and I write curriculum. Somehow I missed this information and level of insight all the way through.

My observation, though, is that the more we as educators/curriculum developers adapt to "special" needs of various groups of kids, the more NT kids benefit. Again...if you get in the mood to just ramble on this a while, I would be very grateful!

Have you read David Tennant's "Born on a Blue Day?" If not, you might find it interesting.

I just read the sample online...his description of synesthesia is very insightful, and consistent with my experience. I just recently discovered that my perception of colors on numbers and letters is called synesthesia. Until college, I thought everyone saw numbers that way. Then I told my psych professor about what I saw, and he had no clue what it was--had never heard of anyone seeing numbers this way (this was the early 90's). About a month ago, a friend gave me a name for it and I looked it up.

Anyway, back on topic--the book looks great! I just bought another book, but it's on my list for when I have a spot in the budget again (I've really had to rein in my book budget ). Thank you!!

 

[Turk]

My brain is drooling...this is a lot to think about, lol.

Okay, I'm truly interested, not just being nice. If you get in the mood to ramble for a while on this, I would love to read it!!

I'm the kid who loved diagramming sentences in English class. I picture sentences by the components that make them up, I move them around, look for a good balance of symmetry and asymmetry. Grammatical errors drive me batty--if a review on amazon says "This book is great but could use an editor," I rarely buy the book because it would stress me out too much. Doesn't mean I never make a mistake, but most of the time when I break a grammatical rule, it's on purpose.

To think that this is part of being an aspie...that it could be identified in others...keep talking.



I have a degree in psychology and a degree in education, I homeschool my kids and I write curriculum. Somehow I missed this information and level of insight all the way through.

My observation, though, is that the more we as educators/curriculum developers adapt to "special" needs of various groups of kids, the more NT kids benefit. Again...if you get in the mood to just ramble on this a while, I would be very grateful!



I just read the sample online...his description of synesthesia is very insightful, and consistent with my experience. I just recently discovered that my perception of colors on numbers and letters is called synesthesia. Until college, I thought everyone saw numbers that way. Then I told my psych professor about what I saw, and he had no clue what it was--had never heard of anyone seeing numbers this way (this was the early 90's). About a month ago, a friend gave me a name for it and I looked it up.

Anyway, back on topic--the book looks great! I just bought another book, but it's on my list for when I have a spot in the budget again (I've really had to rein in my book budget ). Thank you!!

It's interesting to note as well, how each of us holds a piece of insight, that becomes a WHOAH moment. In talking with other high functioning aspies on this site, they have catapulted me to a plane of understanding. Then I expand further, on that thought, and the conversation expands into real insight. We end up climbing a conversational ladder, which takes us higher than we've been before. I have never experienced this with an NT. The dialogue and journey to understanding one's self, and the realisation that your not alone, is so forfilling. For many years my conversational ability was restricted, by the understanding, that I was mirroring, in an attempt to fit in. Only in understanding myself and knowing other aspies, did I allow myself to want to be better than what I was mirroring. As you will find with many aspie's on this site, they hold a perspective, that adds to our collective in the most profound ways.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Just so you know, I'm now fascinated with analyzing the sentence structure of people's posts on social media...Facebook, forums, blogs, whatever...and looking for patterns. Thanks a lot. ;o)

understanding, that I was mirroring, in an attempt to fit in. Only in understanding myself and knowing other aspies, did I allow myself to want to be better than what I was mirroring.

What you're saying makes sense. To try to mirror the people around us who aren't built the way we are, is pointless. It traps us in that cycle of acting and failing. I think that's a huge part of the significance of this dx for me...the freedom to just be myself, and accept who I am, and have compassion on myself with my weaknesses and struggles. It's so easy to take the "best" of each standard I see in other people and hold myself to every one of those. Of course I'm going to fail at that...but I couldn't see it that way before. I felt like, "This is what is *right*"...being social, being admired, being funny, being sought out, making people feel good, making people want me and need me, whatever. And if that is the *right* standard, then I have to live up to it somehow. Anywhere I fall short is a moral failure because I've not been nice enough, or something.

Sorry, I'm still in the "giddy" stage...reading everything I can on AS, finding myself in people's blogs, forum posts, YouTube videos. This is the closest I've ever felt to "belonging"!

But I know reality will settle in eventually. I've been married for 18 years, and there are issues we've had to face that I thought were just because I was crazy and traumatized from my childhood. I really thought I would eventually find resolution for those issues, and proceed with life as a fairly "normal" person. To find out that some of those issues are genetic instead of ptsd-related...it's a dichotomous experience. On the one hand, it's not nearly as traumatic to realize that my withdrawal tendencies come from my natural personality rather than always being the intrusion of memories. But it's also disheartening to realize that I may have to deal with this for the rest of my life, no matter how much counseling/therapy/healing/resolution I get on that other stuff. And I can't figure out if or how to tell my family. There's so much dysfunction there already...hard to consider throwing another wrench into the works.

Are you able to be yourself more, even with people who don't know your dx? Or is that just a lost cause?

I don't even know what I want out of social interactions any more. I don't want pity. I don't want people walking on eggshells. I don't want to hide behind this thing as an excuse. I still desperately need acceptance and connection, but I have no clue what that is within this AS paradigm. What makes other people feel loved, just doesn't work for me.

I honestly feel more loved and connected when someone gives me authentic, constructive criticism than when someone pours on flattery with over-inflated, unrealistic compliments. Even an accurate compliment with a manipulative motivation is enough to negate any positive energy from the compliment for me. But my sister, for example, feels loved even if she has to "go fishing" for compliments and pout until someone says something nice to her. I just can't stand the thought of that, even. How do I show love to my mom and sister when what they perceive as love feels like manipulative contriving to me? Last year, I stopped giving them "fake compliments" in a personal effort to be more genuine and authentic with people. Their perception: that I had "withdrawn my heart" from them. It feels like a no-win situation. I can be "real"...and be hurtful without intending to be. Or I can try to "fake it"...and people feel like I'm being nice to them, even though I'm not really being "me" with them.

 

[Turk]

Unfortunately for aspie's, the bulk of the compromise needs to come from us. There will be plenty that will disagree with this statement, I'm sure. My life takes me out into a world that will not make exceptions for my disability. I have had to test the environment that I'm wading into to determine how much of my real self I can reveal. Being yourself is possible, and educating those around you of your needs, is also achievable, within reason. At the same time I have also found that revealing too much of myself, can and has been used as a weapon. Some people just don't or won't get it. The reality is I can only be my true self, with total strangers, where I'm beyond the rules of expectation. Here on this site, is where my real conscious state lives, because everyone here, faces the same or similar issues. Kind of like the comradery shared by battle hardened soldiers, in the trenches.There are those who sympathise with my condition, but only an aspie, truly knows me. Such is the rigidity of the world, with their obscure protocols, they will always see us as different.
The false praise from family members that you speak of, has been the bane of my existence. It's very hard to face your demons, when their denying your condition, for their own personal comfort reasons.l have really had to lay down some tough love, when dealing with my mother and sister. A lifetime of artificially inflating my ego, has seriously added to my identity issues. Brutal honesty, followed by affirming you love for them, is the only way to create your own nirvana . If you have dysfunction in your family, and you say nothing, you will be the one who will be sucking it up, till your dying days. True unconditional love, involves work from both sides of the fence, for real growth.

There is one adage that I live by, that applies to life. " everything in moderation "
Be yourself when you can be. In saying this you can't be everything to everyone, or it will cost you your identity. Above all, be kind to yourself.
I could probably go on for a few more pages but I'll stop here for now.