feverdream
Well-Known Member
Like every other place in public I sort of approach this place with caution and worry.
I fear not physical conflict, but rather that of being outcast.. again. As much as I hate the reality of my life, the fact of the matter is people do not seek to really understand me when I speak my thoughts, and I guess that is only fair as I hardly understand people as they often use inefficient speech, language that borders on the nonsensical, and worse, often say things they really don't mean as if being sarcastic or dishonest was a great or noble virtue.
Honesty is a virtue I respect. As a child I often saw old films of knights and warriors, blunt and tough, saving time and saving the day with a very few words. I try to emulate the hero of my youth, because that is what I want to be. Sadly, most think of my bluntness and sheer unfiltered honesty as being rude or disrespectful. Most do not feel the need to listen as I try to explain otherwise, and I must confess that I often do not understand why.
I think the worst part of being an aspi is the being alone. I'm OK with it and can spend long amounts of time - months - alone, but sometimes I feel like I have simply grown used to it rather than become comfortable. I live in a city full of 3.6 million people, and I am alone outside of the company of the felines that consider me their pet human even if others are in the room. I find the thought of being a cats pet amusing, yet most think I am odd due to thoughts such as this.
Computers are a passion of mine and I have managed to make it a profession after my educational opportunities did not have what I needed to get into bio-mechanical engineering. That often helps, but inevitably my lack of understanding creates undesired issues and I am thrust aside, let go, released from contract, etc. They all say the same thing: Unmatched technical ability but he needs to be more social and since he solved all the amazingly hard problems anyway... I don't understand why or how to fix the matter, and perhaps that is the greatest sadness I have. I feel lost, broken, and have often thought of things I should probably not speak of here.
I do not know of anybody else like me. I have always been considered smart, but felt dumb around people. People seem to have entire libraries of discussions in front of me without using any words, and I am mute to them and unable to listen to such visual social birdsong. The fact that I'm legally blind in one eye due to a childhood accident doesn't help much either as it means I was never allowed to learn how to drive and am at the mercy of public transportation. I feel like I miss half the world before I get a chance to miss the rest, and 3 hour commutes - one way - from work to home is bleeding my soul dry. I don't know anybody like me, as even here in the greater Seattle Metro area there does not seem to be a big aspi community, or resources for one such as I. The only person I felt understood me at all - my wife - was taken from me by a drunk driver over a decade ago. I'm not even 30 and I can not help bit feel old and alone.
So Hello. I do not know if I will post much here, but the idea of others even sort of like me is a nice one.
I fear not physical conflict, but rather that of being outcast.. again. As much as I hate the reality of my life, the fact of the matter is people do not seek to really understand me when I speak my thoughts, and I guess that is only fair as I hardly understand people as they often use inefficient speech, language that borders on the nonsensical, and worse, often say things they really don't mean as if being sarcastic or dishonest was a great or noble virtue.
Honesty is a virtue I respect. As a child I often saw old films of knights and warriors, blunt and tough, saving time and saving the day with a very few words. I try to emulate the hero of my youth, because that is what I want to be. Sadly, most think of my bluntness and sheer unfiltered honesty as being rude or disrespectful. Most do not feel the need to listen as I try to explain otherwise, and I must confess that I often do not understand why.
I think the worst part of being an aspi is the being alone. I'm OK with it and can spend long amounts of time - months - alone, but sometimes I feel like I have simply grown used to it rather than become comfortable. I live in a city full of 3.6 million people, and I am alone outside of the company of the felines that consider me their pet human even if others are in the room. I find the thought of being a cats pet amusing, yet most think I am odd due to thoughts such as this.
Computers are a passion of mine and I have managed to make it a profession after my educational opportunities did not have what I needed to get into bio-mechanical engineering. That often helps, but inevitably my lack of understanding creates undesired issues and I am thrust aside, let go, released from contract, etc. They all say the same thing: Unmatched technical ability but he needs to be more social and since he solved all the amazingly hard problems anyway... I don't understand why or how to fix the matter, and perhaps that is the greatest sadness I have. I feel lost, broken, and have often thought of things I should probably not speak of here.
I do not know of anybody else like me. I have always been considered smart, but felt dumb around people. People seem to have entire libraries of discussions in front of me without using any words, and I am mute to them and unable to listen to such visual social birdsong. The fact that I'm legally blind in one eye due to a childhood accident doesn't help much either as it means I was never allowed to learn how to drive and am at the mercy of public transportation. I feel like I miss half the world before I get a chance to miss the rest, and 3 hour commutes - one way - from work to home is bleeding my soul dry. I don't know anybody like me, as even here in the greater Seattle Metro area there does not seem to be a big aspi community, or resources for one such as I. The only person I felt understood me at all - my wife - was taken from me by a drunk driver over a decade ago. I'm not even 30 and I can not help bit feel old and alone.
So Hello. I do not know if I will post much here, but the idea of others even sort of like me is a nice one.
