Husband's Hobbies.. Aspergers??

[honeybee]

Hi, first post here.

I'm pretty sure I'm NT but my husband I'm sure has Asperger's syndrome. We have been married almost 30 years! One of the things he has always done is have an obsession for LOTS of hobbies. Not just one interest but lots of interests. Is this "normal" for aspies? I'm just curious. It's close to him being a hoarder, because of all the tools, templates, books, wood, clocks, gears, old typewriters, ham radios, guitars, the list goes on... of things that he needs for his interests/hobbies. He definitely gets upset at me if I tell him he has to give something up or that it is getting to be too much. He can't let go very easily with his possessions and things that he's collected. I can see one to three obsessed interests, but he has way more than that.

Thank you in advance for letting me know if this is an aspie thing or if it's something else like ADHD, or ??

 

[King_Oni]

I've been diagnosed with ADHD as well as Aspergers, so I guess I'm somewhere in between as far as information goes. Though, I guess this doesn't apply to each and every aspie. Even with a comorbid diagnosis.

From my understanding not letting go possessions is sometimes Asperger's related. It's said that people on the spectrum have more attraction to things rather than people. And this might very much be a way how it shows.

The ADHD part however, which you suspect, is where it turns from a single interest to a lot of interests, and as such a lot of collecting and hopping around between interests.

Sometimes it's an OCD thing as well. Wanting to collect a certain thing, just for the sake of collecting. And quite often collecting specific things as well.

Looking around at my place... yes, it's getting a bit much in terms of collecting as well. But I can put on the brakes myself and either get rid of stuff or at least not get new stuff in until I have repurposed my space a bit. Instead of telling him it's getting a bit much in terms of stuff. You might consider setting limits to what space he can use (but expect an argument about the space you use for your stuff). If it's full, it's full and there's just no more space for his things. That sometimes gets me (and perhaps other aspies) thinking more about space rather than telling me "no, you have too much". Having too much of something based on what? Well... it's too much since there's no space. It's one of those things were we need to see the practical aspect. And some of us don't have a strong sense to see this themselves I've discovered.

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

I can collect stuff too, to the point of ridiculous. I've been a lot more controlled in recent years, realising that I end up not using it, it takes up a lot of space and costs a lot of money.

 

[King_Oni]

Since I live alone, most people don’t realize it because my house is fairly large and I can hide my “stuff.”

Given that I live at my parents house, and thus pretty much exclusively my bedroom, I'm becoming really hard pressed for room now. Boxes are starting to pile up a bit now, heh.

I actually wonder if it'll be that bad if I have a place of my own. Perhaps my collecting habits are pretty minimal (but still too much) for the space I have, but perhaps it's that minimal because I actually keep in mind how much limited space I have.

On the other hand, if I look at my bedroom, there's plenty of stuff, people would most likely not put in a bedroom and just have a seperate room for. My room is filled with musical instruments, a plasma screen that's slightly big for a bedroom my size (about 3 by 4 foot; room, not screen ) 2 person bed, a large leather seat, clothing storage... heck, I even have a coffeemachine in my bedroom, and the list goes on from there, lol. So maybe if I were to divide everything in up a room where it should be, rather than pile it up in a room because I have to, my room wouldn't look like the dump it is now, lol

 

[Ste11aeres]

The first thing to remember is that there is a lot of difference from one Aspie to another. The one thing we seem to have in common is that we take things to an extreme. So one person is hypersensitive to touch to the point that it feels like pain, another is hyposensitive to the point that they don't notice actual pain. Also, it's true that many Aspies are more interested in things than in people, but some other Aspies will become very very obsessed with a person they have feelings for.
There was another thread on here that spoke of Aspies as only being likely to focus on one hobby. But I can really see there being an Aspie who goes to the other end. The way you described it, I can definitely envision your husband as that Aspie.

 

[honeybee]

Thank you everyone for your insight. Yes it is compulsive and obsessive. We have talked about it, a lot. One of the reasons why I had to leave him. We've been living away from each other for a year now, but we found a new house (smaller) because the big house is just too expensive to keep and his hobbies have taken over with what I thought would be mine to decorate, etc. In a way I can tell he likes living there by himself because he can explore and do what ever he wants when it comes to learning. By the way, this is what really attracted me to my husband, was his interests, and how he talked about them. But after 29 years, I notice now how extreme it is and how all of his interests are SO important and how they definitely come first before us and our relationship. I really wish we had an official diagnosis of him having Aspergers. It would help me a lot to know how to cope and not to second guess. When we were having marriage counseling, his psychologist told him that he thinks he has Aspergers. So he was given one test, which my husband said he lied on a few of the questions, and it still came out with him being close to having AS. 1Since then we stopped counseling. But from what I've been researching, I know he has it. You'll probably read more posts of mine reading about other things he does asking if it is AS. Such as slow thought process (taking forever to make a decision). Not wanting to embrace me or be spontaneous and/or generally happy. When he tries it's really clumsy. Doesn't smile very much, if at all. Talks in detail about things he is interested in. He's truly a walking encyclopedia! And much more. Like no friends. Anyways, I can go on, but will save it for another thread. Thank you all!

 

[asnlifecoach]

Is that his only symptom? How does he do in social situations?

 

[honeybee]

Is that his only symptom? How does he do in social situations?

He does not like social situations. Has no friends. He does have a job, been there 25+ years and has been successful at it, workaholic type. But his job is stressful and he can not handle stress well. He also drinks or used too. It got really bad a couple of years ago and that is what got us into marriage counseling. He is now on an anti-depressant prescribed by his primary care physician so that he won't have the craving to drink and for depression. His physician knows nothing about the fact that he might be an Aspie.

PS. I replied earlier to everyone's post before answering this one. Saying thank you and that I will be starting another thread regarding his other traits when I have more time. I think my reply will be posted when it gets accepted? Maybe I clicked on the wrong reply button.

 

[honeybee]

Is that his only symptom? How does he do in social situations?

Just in case my earlier reply thanking everyone does not get posted... then thank you!

And here are other traits that makes me lean towards him having Aspergers:

-does not like change. Very inflexible.

-thought process is slow. slow to make a decision.

-stresses out easily. Cannot make a life decision like looking for a new job that isn't as stressful or any change for that matter.

-does not look happy. does not smile.

-workaholic.

-talks a lot especially if it has to do with one of his interests.

-I notice that when he is in a room with more than one person talking he has to leave. Cannot share in on a conversation with more than one person.

-very devoted to me but can be insensitive and unloving. Would do anything for me but does not show spontaneous physical attraction or love towards me.

-watches old movies all the time and sometimes the same ones over and over and over again.

-does not like current media. Seems to lives in the past for a man in his early 50's.

-has lots of hobbies: history (most recently the royal family), violin making, line control airplanes, tools, wood working in general, wood, jewelry making, working with metal, ham radios, gears, clock repair and clocks are huge, gardening, cooking (his line of work), firework making, collects guitars, drums, other instruments, if I show an interest in something he will get obsessed over it. And I'm sure I've left out a few...

-Has ritual habits. I think consuming of beverages falls into this category. And also cooks the same way all the time. Can never change it up or does not like me to cook. And I'm a good cook!! Just likes to do things for himself only and his way only.

-thoughtlessness towards me and my feelings.

-funny quirky physical things. Is this stimming? Like when he's happy or excited, he does this thing where he rubs he fingers/hand together really quick like and makes an electrical sound with his voice like his fingers are making electricity and then it explodes (makes the sound).

-imitates sounds of things really well and does it often when explaining something.

-Uses metaphors when speaking, all the time.

-Does not put things away where they belong.

I'm sure I've left some things out.

And with this all being said, he is a sweet man, but difficult to live with.

What do you think? Does he have Aspergers?

 

[Ste11aeres]

What do you think? Does he have Aspergers?

It does sound quite possible. You seem to have a nice attitude-finding some things difficult, yet still able to appreciate other things, and to have affection for him. His "thoughtlessness" towards you and your feelings is likely not a lack of caring about you or loving you, but maybe a difficulty in taking on your perspective. The following articles might be interesting. Tony Attwood - Author of The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome
For me, it used to be that even if I "knew" what someone was feeling, their feelings were not real to me. After many years, certain huge emotional shock that happened to me, enabled me to finally start learning to take on the other person's perspective.

 

[Biblio-Love]

The space thing worked for me. I have a set number of book shelves and if I get more books then older ones have to go. Limited space means limited amount of books. my husband told me early on in our marriage that he didn't want books in every room of our house and I complied to the rules.

 

[Csutelan]

The space thing worked for me. I have a set number of book shelves and if I get more books then older ones have to go. Limited space means limited amount of books. my husband told me early on in our marriage that he didn't want books in every room of our house and I complied to the rules.

Then you should allocate one room as a library. I don't like to see the phrase " have to go" used in reference to books.

 

[honeybee]

It does sound quite possible. You seem to have a nice attitude-finding some things difficult, yet still able to appreciate other things, and to have affection for him. His "thoughtlessness" towards you and your feelings is likely not a lack of caring about you or loving you, but maybe a difficulty in taking on your perspective. The following articles might be interesting. Tony Attwood - Author of The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome
For me, it used to be that even if I "knew" what someone was feeling, their feelings were not real to me. After many years, certain huge emotional shock that happened to me, enabled me to finally start learning to take on the other person's perspective.

Thank you Ste11aeres for the link! I've always been an optimistic person and luckily always seem to find a way to take control of my life regardless of others, but at the same time care for my husband. But it would be so nice to be in a loving relationship where I could have the physical and emotional attention that I crave but never really had Sometimes I wonder if it's really out there! Maybe I've settled into knowing it will never happen and for those people that have loving relationships, they can have their own problems too.

 

[Biblio-Love]

Then you should allocate one room as a library. I don't like to see the phrase " have to go" used in reference to books.

I keep my main library at my office, which is in a building I pay rent for. The tricky part is I may give it up and have a home office instead, which means accommodations have to be made for my extensive library.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Thank you Ste11aeres for the link! I've always been an optimistic person and luckily always seem to find a way to take control of my life regardless of others, but at the same time care for my husband. But it would be so nice to be in a loving relationship where I could have the physical and emotional attention that I crave but never really had Sometimes I wonder if it's really out there! Maybe I've settled into knowing it will never happen and for those people that have loving relationships, they can have their own problems too.

Part of the difficulty is that many Aspies have one way of showing affection (usually very subtle) and NTs have a different style. So if two people have radically different styles of receiveing and showing affection, they can feel unloved even when the other person actually cares a lot about them.
For instance, I have a very close friend, also an Aspie. I feel genuine love from him. And he taught me what being truly respected feels like. But I recognise that most (Nt) people would not feel loved in this case because his emotional expression is the way it is (non-expressive).I can sense his love.
On the other hand, if I am with an NT who is very outward in their loving expression, I simply feel anxiety. All this is because as an Aspie, I express and receive the expression of affection in a different way.
It is not a matter of better or worse, but of different styles. That being said, it would still be genuinely hard to be close to someone with that different style. As must be the case for you. (FOr instance, it is hard for me to feel love from my dad, or express it according to his style, even though, intelectually, I know what his style is.) :unhappy:

 

[Laughingowl1975]

Just in case my earlier reply thanking everyone does not get posted... then thank you!

And here are other traits that makes me lean towards him having Aspergers:

-does not like change. Very inflexible.

-thought process is slow. slow to make a decision.

-stresses out easily. Cannot make a life decision like looking for a new job that isn't as stressful or any change for that matter.

-does not look happy. does not smile.

-workaholic.

-talks a lot especially if it has to do with one of his interests.

-I notice that when he is in a room with more than one person talking he has to leave. Cannot share in on a conversation with more than one person.

-very devoted to me but can be insensitive and unloving. Would do anything for me but does not show spontaneous physical attraction or love towards me.

-watches old movies all the time and sometimes the same ones over and over and over again.

-does not like current media. Seems to lives in the past for a man in his early 50's.

-has lots of hobbies: history (most recently the royal family), violin making, line control airplanes, tools, wood working in general, wood, jewelry making, working with metal, ham radios, gears, clock repair and clocks are huge, gardening, cooking (his line of work), firework making, collects guitars, drums, other instruments, if I show an interest in something he will get obsessed over it. And I'm sure I've left out a few...

-Has ritual habits. I think consuming of beverages falls into this category. And also cooks the same way all the time. Can never change it up or does not like me to cook. And I'm a good cook!! Just likes to do things for himself only and his way only.

-thoughtlessness towards me and my feelings.

-funny quirky physical things. Is this stimming? Like when he's happy or excited, he does this thing where he rubs he fingers/hand together really quick like and makes an electrical sound with his voice like his fingers are making electricity and then it explodes (makes the sound).

-imitates sounds of things really well and does it often when explaining something.

-Uses metaphors when speaking, all the time.

-Does not put things away where they belong.

I'm sure I've left some things out.

And with this all being said, he is a sweet man, but difficult to live with.

What do you think? Does he have Aspergers?

Many of the traits you describe could fit me well, I think he is likely an aspie. Aspies vary a lot, I have several interests/hobbies rather than one but I can only focus on one interest at a time (so they go in a cycle), I suspect I have ADD/ADHD as well which would explain my poor memory and the fact I have several hobbies rather than one.