Today I coughed a little when I was in the car with my mom and asked her, "Should I start writing my will now?" she laughed, but I was actually being serious. They always laugh when I'm being serious.
I haven't even had a cold for over three years now, and even that worries me because I read somewhere that people who are healthy most of the time are likely to get to have a worse illness when they eventually do get sick. I don't know why, maybe our immune systems get lazy or something?
Today I got some of my Christmas shopping done. I'm trying to get it done and over with as soon as possible before things get even worse or there's another lockdown. When you're looking for an item you don't normally shop for the arrows make looking for it even more confusing, wearing my face shield and my mask together makes it hard for me to see and breathe. I can barely hear and understand what the workers in the stores are saying to me and I have to go "what, what, what?" like a freaking moron, especially when that stupid announcement comes on very 30 seconds.
I can almost see germs crawling on all over everything, like those awful commercials for Lysol and junk. They must be making a fortune now. Laughing all the way to the bank while other businesses die.
And not long ago I started getting creepy paranoid thoughts about my mother poisoning my food. She's been so kind, bringing me some of her home cooked meals and baked treats when she comes by. But wait? What if she's secretly going to poison it and kill me so she won't have to spend time and money on me anymore? No! That's insane, she would never do that. She loves me, she would never try to harm me. I really am losing my mind.
I hate my life, and I should have ended it when 9/11 happened 19 years ago. The whole world has been just been getting worse and worse ever since and I can't understand why I still go on living. I don't want to die, but life is just not livable. It's like a long, awful, painful game where you always lose at the end. I'm just rambling, so I'll stop. If you actually read all of this... thanks, I guess?