I am diagnosed but I can lie and manipulate

[Ice Blue Deer]

I was diagnosed with ASD not so long ago.

When things don't go my way in my relationship with my boyfriend, I will sometimes try to lure him into a certain behavior that pleases me, like giving me attention when I hate myself and feel terrible and scared. I lie to him and tell him I will hurt myself so that he will somehow give me the attention and understanding I want.

This doesn't happen often, though. And I'm aware of it causing a lot of stress for both of us.

I'm not very direct either, I can sometimes show hints instead of communicating clearly, like sighing to lure him into asking what's wrong. Though I may just have learned this through experience (I sigh, he asks what's wrong).

I can be diplomatic as well. I can say things like 'I like the color of your t-shirt', when I dislike the shirt overall and someone asks me what I think about it.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know if I should be honest or not, so I'll just be diplomatically honest, and sometimes bluntly honest, I will usually try not to lie, even though I have the tendency to lie to make people feel better, something NT's do a lot.

Is this a red flag? Have I been diagnosed incorrectly or could I just be very lightly autistic? I am female, maybe that makes a little difference.

 

[Judge]

There are no "red flags". You're talking about a broad spectrum of traits and behaviors. And their intensity or lack thereof. We can all be quite different in what traits and behaviors we may have, and what their amplitude may be. Or as some of us are fond of saying, "If you've met one Aspie, you've met one Aspie."

I have worked over the years to look people in the eye. Equally to mask some of my behaviors to appear more Neurotypical on a limited basis. However that doesn't likely change the reality that I believe I am on the spectrum of autism.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I'm like this too, I look at things I do and I doubt. I'm beginning to wonder if this doubt is an aspie thing in of itself, 'I'm not everything therefore I can't be', sort of thing. A black and white sort of thinking. This idea that we're not all the walking aspie stereotype. Or maybe it's normal behaviour when you're told you should fit into this category but it's not so clear cut as that.

 

[Ylva]

Don't buy the stereotypes. Our brains are just as conditionable as anyone's.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I'm not very direct either, I can sometimes show hints instead of communicating clearly, like sighing to lure him into asking what's wrong. Though I may just have learned this through experience (I sigh, he asks what's wrong).

I learned to do this from emulating people around me...I thought this was the "correct" way to communicate for a very long time and worked hard to learn how to do it more effectively and conscientiously and considerately. Now that I'm learning to identify this as emotional manipulation and spending some time around people who don't manipulate this way, I'm learning to communicate more directly, and that feels soooo much more comfortable and natural to me.

I never really did learn to wrap my head around outright lying. But I did learn, from growing up in a severely dysfunctional family, to position the truth in such a way as to protect myself as much as possible. I've learned how to leave out details that would bring people to a logical conclusion I don't want them to have. I've learned how to frame the truth in a way that encourages a favorable outcome. But I never do this with intent to harm anyone at all. It's always motivated by self-protection (although there have been times when protecting myself requires knowingly putting someone else in a bad spot, and those times were always extremely stressful to face...so-so glad to be an adult now where I can choose to spend more time in healthier relationships and much-much less time in dysfunctional relationships).

 

[Naturalist]

I have also wondered about this on occasion, because I am not very clear and direct in my communications much of the time. I think it is because I learned early that the answers which are instinctive to me are often not socially successful or even acceptable, so I am left foundering for other possible replies.

I also grew up in a family of all females so I had the opportunity of observing how other females responded in situations, and how other people responded to them. So I have some behaviors like you describe which are more "typical," but they were adopted gradually (but not always consciously) as a result of observing others. I can almost always identify where I learned such-and-such behavior. I'm not very good at outright manipulation, though, or at lying when put on the spot. Most often my strategies are evasive. But as was stated above, we all learn and absorb behaviors based in part on the social environments to which we are exposed.

I once gave my counselor an essay I wrote, "Confessions of a lying Aspie." It was about how I learned to lie because telling the truth exposed me to criticism, bullying, or abuse. So I started saying anything but the truth in many situations, because then if the response was still negative, at least it didn't hurt me, because I knew it wasn't true anyway.

 

[Ezra]

I have always gone to private school for ASD kids, which means I have been surrounded by a lot more ASD people than NT people my whole life. What I have picked up on in autism forums is what is supposed to be classic NT behavior, I have experienced with plenty of ASD classmates. And you have to be fully diagnosed to attend my school. I chalk up a lot of it to plain old human behavior. I have level 2 autism leaning a little more towards severe, and I have found on forums that I can be things like diplomatic, sarcastic, motivational etc.

 

[Ezra]

Ditto!

Same here. And even though I play the interaction game pretty good (from what I am told) with my NT forum friends, I am really just winging it a lot of the time. "Ezra you are good at being sarcastic!" I am?

 

[Judge]

I think it's quite likely that many of us may have a few traits or behaviors that make us question our autism on occasion. However I've always had the impression that a positive diagnosis is likely to reflect a broad assessment of such traits and behaviors rather than considering just a few that may transcend neurological profiles.

Being autistic doesn't mean we aren't human. And being "human" is likely a common denominator that binds the Neurotypical and the Neurodiverse together.