I am living in abuse with an abuser

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Who always torments me on my physical appearance when I was unwell and lost weight because I was sick.
He tries to say I have to have confidence and be vain because of my physical appearance when I have been a lot larger in the past and do not feel confident.
He torments me endlessly on my physical appearance and tries to tell me woman will be jealous of me and have every right to be because they are not as pretty and are not happy with their appearance and how it is right they are entitled to their self love issues when I am not entitled to mine.
And how I have never been mean about appearance and actually defended woman who were bullied by people for being larger and followed plus size woman on Instagram and how I will make other woman feel bad because they are full of prejudices on body shape and they just fake they are not to look good
And how other woman because they have problems can feel anyway they want about it and I have to be punished because at least I have my looks not remembering I used to be a lot larger.
And then turns it around and makes it seek like it was not about that at all when clearly it always was and I am still underweight.
And makes it seem like I will have to learn to have friendships with narcissists and jealous women
When I have spent a few years in hyper vigilance being obsessively scared of the last jealous women who abused me in hospital and my own mother who has hurt me over my appearance
I get quite a bit of jealous abuse or have experienced in the past when I am smaller and lose weight quickly because of illness. But when I was larger everyone thought I was fat, never said or acted like I was pretty and did not want to know me
It is like I am only apparently 'beautiful' when I am thin and ugly and undesirable when I am a larger size
So women think they have to right to be jealous of me when I am small and apparently laugh at me when I gain weight..
And then it is really not about that at all and God uses another jealous woman to hurt me again when that is what it was about and clearly I am still underweight more noticeable in photos
I talk about this because as an undiagnosed but self diagnosed autistic and adhd sufferer too it is easy to feel low self esteem and self critical and with someone who has sensitive rejection with adhd you can take every little comment and abuse to heart.
As someone who has been sick it is hard.
I can no way want to understand jealousy or toxic body behavior that was harmful to me. Some part of me does understand it but I do not want it validated.
I am undiagnosed with both autism and adhd but I have found people here to be nice and feel like I can relate.
I do art and have a few talented areas that I am good at as well as highly intelligent.
Anyway I was doing fine for a while
But I went though all of this with my trauma
And then suddenly the whole thing means something else.
I do not want to be around someone who does not understand my pain, confuses my realities and then makes me self injure myself so badly in meltdowns
Because I cannot understand
And if I cannot understand and am struggling I do not know how to cope with it.
All I can do is get up each day and keep trying.
Cptsd is no joke. I can easily be triggered and dysregulated and with my meltdowns it is not easy.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Three words: Get new people.

 

[Neri]

I don't think "God is using a jealous woman to hurt you". That must feel horrible to feel "God" is out to get you like that.
People can just be horrible.
I know it. I have lived it.
In the end, it nearly killed me. And it did drive me insane, or at least made me think I was insane, to be around such a horrid person to me, and the friends and people they brought into our life weren't caring towards me either. Maybe I masked too well, at times. But in the end, I made a few realisations, and this is what they were.
I knew I deserved to be happier and to be around people that, truly, cared about me, or at least, acted with care for me.
I knew I didn't deserve the abuse I was getting. In fact NO ONE should be treated so horribly and lied to and gaslit like that.
I knew I wasn't going to last much longer if I didn't change my life (but, bear in mind, this was 37 years of hellishness, 16 with my parents and then 21 with the abuser/narcissist).
I am a believer, but I do think "God" speaks to us through more than the bible. God is everywhere and nothing is outside God's loving light and we can ask and be guided, if we honestly want that and allow ourselves to be loved by unseen energies. Yeshua (Jesus) and so many others ( the Mary's are two examples) DO love us and answer internal prayers and cries for help.
Shallow, superficial people are hard for me to be around. I have always lived deeply on the inside. I don't think I would have survived my childhood and adolecence without that.
I have had Angelic presences around me my whole life. That is a discussion for another day.

You WILL find your way through this @lovely_darlingprettybaby . You WILL find your own answers. You are DEEPLY and COMPLETELY LOVED by the power that is known as "God".

 

[Rodafina]

@lovely_darlingprettybaby
Is it possible for you to not live with this person?

 

[NB79]

i guess it's hard to live with difficult people and you can't move alone, or with other nicer people.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I can relate to being “stuck” in an abusive relationship and have them say horrible things to you. My dad’s secretary helped him raise my sister and me and she was basically a second mom to me and was extremely kind when I was little but gradually began to abuse me as I got older starting around age ten. She loved telling me how I “ruined” her life and that I should be grateful for my own life even though I was being bullied and depressed and suicidal. Eventually she started to hit me and it happened more and more and I finally escaped from the abusive cycle after she had physically attacked me over $100 my mom had given to me for Christmas and I spent it before this woman could take it from h my e to buy bottles of wine. Again. She used my money all the time to fuel her alcoholism and subconsciously I had enough of that behavior and I didn’t want her using my mom’s money to fuel it as well. Why did I stay in this toxic relationship? Because she gaslit me into thinking that I needed her and couldn’t survive on my own without her “help” which was just her controlling every lot aspect of my life. I didn’t drive because I didn’t have a car and she wouldn’t let me have internet or cable tv or even any video games. I could only have access to them with her on the weekends if she thought that I “earned” them and for only a set amount of time.

After I escaped from my abuser, my life improved greatly without her or her abuse. For starters I was finally able to get internet and buy foods that I actually wanted to eat and play video games whenever I’d like freely and I got a car and a part time job that I’ve had for four years now. I’m not as anxious whenever I’m in public anymore and too afraid to talk to people I don’t know because I’m being told that my abuser is the only person that I could ever trust who isn’t out to get me. And I’m currently moving into a new home which is a small house my dad had bought and is renting to me and I will get when he eventually passed. My life is 1000 better than it was 13 years ago.

What you need to do is leave. Pack up all your essential items and stuff that mean a lot to you and just leave that jerk when he isn’t there. Things won’t get any better if you stay. Stay with someone you can trust not to let your abuser talk to you or have any contact with you until you find a new place to live. Change your phone number. If you stay, it will just reenforce the message to him that he has total control over you and that you will never leave him which will only encourage him to become even more cruel. I had thought that if I did anything that my abuser had wanted me to do then maybe I’d get more “privileges” and never get hit again if I had somehow managed to become as well behaved as she had wanted but she always found more reasons to scream at me literally into my face and hit me and punish me. Making her happy was all that mattered to me even if the cost was my own happiness in exchange. I was becoming completely drained mentally and emotionally and I was stuck in a depressive state hoping things would maybe get better when they actually never would unless I left. The day I had finally escaped from my abuser was the day my life had actually begun and I do not regret it. Don’t let fear hold you back or the hope that he will change and stop the abuse because it will never end or change unless you leave. Please take my advice for your own safety and well-being. You deserve a much better and happier life and you’ll never get it until you leave your abusive situation.