The Impossible Girl
Well-Known Member
Umm yeh, the impossible girl. It is really difficult for me to even start a post explaining myself. I find it paradoxical that I cannot even begin to start a conversation even online, however, in order to continue here, I am indeed required too. True, this may be the only way I will start talking to anyone. Rules, you know; they must be adhered to. So, having made the impossible move of registering when all I want to do is close up and shut down, I shall continue to rock in my seat and rub my hands as I tell my story. If your reading this, please feel free to join me and rock back and forth.ah that's better! Now if I could just get my brain to retrieve the information I require and not the myriad of detail that sweeps me up and carries me off into a distant field of ponies and speckled hens....
Did I mention I have Aspergers. No, not yet brain! Argh! Try again!
So, where to start, without really trying....
I AM The Impossible Girl. I'm 33yrs old, I have dx fibromyalgia, which I successfully self managed after years of personal research, trial and error and honestly, just hard work and exercise. I have a lot of sensory issues with lights and noise, fabrics. I had much more when I was a child. I also have OCD (rub hands five times, but who's counting right? Well me, because I have obsessive thought patterns which requires me to do so, (like m&m's must be eaten in twos), I stimm physically and verbally (kakor!), though I simply believed it was a coping mechanism since I have no other coping skills. Oh and I stimm mentally too, I count things, always have. I have really pretty numbers in my head but I can't do mathematics (go figure! Ha!) Also I have a mild case of lexical-gustatory synaesthesia, which basically mean I taste or smell, words or speech, and pictures too I have found. I know! Kooky right and a great party trick for my fianc? at dinner time (*sigh* I should never have told him)
My personal journey into Aspergers was spurred by a love for a little boy who desperately needed some help. My, then, 6 year old nephew was diagnosed with Aspergers and wasn't coping well with a new situation at school. Well, I thought, I can help with something surely! What ever it is I have to help with something. I mean, I did so well researching my own diagnosis of fibromyalgia that I went from practically bedridden to pumping weights in about three years, what was the harm in trying right? None that I could see!
So I began researching, endless hrs upon hrs behind the screen. It became my new obsession and without realising it, I was finding out more than I ever could have imagined about myself along the way. I showed my fianc? and he agreed. This is you! This explains YOU! This explains why you blank stare people (even my own family), why when they open up to you about their lives, you go huh? blank stare... This is why I could never speak up. Why I gallop in the supermarket when I'm happy and cower behind you at the very same supermarket the next time I go because it's too noisy. I bump into walls, people, even myself (seriously, I am always bumping into my own body *ouch I didn't think my hand was that close to my other hand) and walked on my toes as a child. I used to actually walk on the tops of my feet with my toes curled under, like galloping along on my toe knuckles. I could run like that as a child! My feet are buggered now though, I have severely pronounced arches which has given me really tiny feet. It also explains my Mothers frustration and dismay, when the audiologist we had seen for my apparent deafness, stated joyously that I had not only Passed my hearing test but excelled at listening to her directives. Well, after the spate of ear infections prior, and me, being me (you know, that quirky 6 year old kid who could recite ferry cross the mersy, while they actually crossed it hahahah!! and liked strange un-girlish things such as castles, dungeons and crime and punishment from the middle ages) anyway me, being me, requested the physician give me a copy of his superbly brilliant poster of the inner ear, which graciously he did, so I could study and inform all of my tiny six year old friends ALL about it (yeh not a good plan)
So I have spun off into detail I see!
I shall call a mental time out and perhaps share with you my discovery of my aspie score? After much research I finally took aim and decided to put this whole asperger-HFA thing to bed and take a simple test. I'll pass and then be consigned to 'neurosis of indeterminate origin' as no other classification has yet been willing to accept me (little joke their as I have a long running obsession with medical afflictions. I have catalogued and collected data for years on other peoples afflictions, I am quite a dab hand but it comes at a cost, sometimes at the cost of another's comfort when I can't help but unleash everything I know, OR everything I think that THEY should know, about their chronic condition or current ailment.) I took the damned test (twice on different occasions) I have taken 3 online tests and scored in the highest range every time. The Baron-Cohen test with the faces, which I thought I could at least out smart- Every other face I got wrong. Anyway so I finally wanted the Aspie score with the graphics My score blew me away; My Aspie score 175-200. My NT score 19-200.
Look, I know better than anyone, that I am not functional, never have been. I have no coping skills; apart from freaking out screaming,endlessly stimming or shutting myself away in the dark. I feel powerless without assistance for myself.
This journey began with my desire to help a small boy who cannot yet hold his own against the world. It has turned into my own fight. A fight for my own daughter. Because I see so much evidence in her. She is three and a half. Terribly smart and eager to learn but she is painfully anxious and shy around her peers, and is already afflicted with compulsions of her own too (Hands must be clean. Kinder tables must be clean. Everything must be clean. Now hide under the table to avoid social activities). She is very playful, at least at home, to the point of exasperation. Boundless energy when all is right with her world. Just a Hooper ball to bounce through the house, couches to launch herself at, floors to spin and fall onto and maybe some hours spent playing computer games, puzzles and watching Peppa Pig or hours of Youtube clips of nursery rhymes. Oh and Freddo's. Never run out of Freddo's
She has seen only one Paediatrician on this subject (not the Freddo's, but the social axniety and ocd and humming). It didn't go well, he said simply she is anxious and has ocd because I do, that'll be $270 thanks, goodbye.... I'm like huh? So how am I to deal with her humming? Her cleaning?? Her hiding and having to be forced to play with others?? Just don't make her feel bad about it. Don't point it out, was his advice?? I was shocked!! He actually said to me... "She looked at me when I said her name, and she drew a picture of a face", (as best three year old with an artist for a mother could hope for), " so she can't have high functioning autism... " Umm, hello, you didn't speak more than five words to her. She was wrapped in her DS and humming during most of the appointment, which was at the end of a big day after kinder. The room was deafeningly quiet and I had gone over what was going to happen with her!! He doesn't get it! This is a 3 year old who just this morning asked me why she cannot write! "I supposed to write words" (her words) so I say ok and I expect, after childcare, she will have me with pencil in hand ready and willing to write her words. She also doesn't get (like) jokes!! Her Oma says "see ya later alligator"and she replies "no I not! I (insert real name)"oh when they say they take things literal. They mean it. My daughter, only just turned three at the time, asked me why they put eyes on her teddy? Literally. Like why'd they bother?? Then she told me her (favourite) pink fluffy teddy doesn't need eyes, or ears, or even feet... cos he's not real Mum. He's pretend! He can't see *duh!* Oh she treats me like an idiot for trying to pretend."I assure you dear child we are merely pretending to be princess's, alas there is no need to remedy any confusion with your persistent insistence that you are still indeed (insert real name)"
Does the paediatrician just not get it?? Does he see her looking him in the eye and therefore dismiss any worries I have. I EVEN looked him in the eye dammit!! I am a big one for looking at any person of authority, including any Doctor in the eye, regardless of discomfort (my mother insisted- look at me) That's what I taught her, look at me! Okay so she will look you in the eye but she STILL won't say hello/goodbye to her friends without constant prompts from us or the teacher. Her (Pre-)kinder teacher is awesome! She listens to us! And most importantly, listens to our daughter, even when she doesn't say a word. She has noticed the quirks, the shyness, the hiding, the hours of playing in the sandbox (yeh, her with dirty hands right! But sand is okay when you are in it! Not when you are finished though. Time to clean your hands). It is good to know we have a least one super special teacher looking out for her this year.
I am really good at getting wrapped up in the detail and missing the point. Point being. I have Aspergers. No matter how I found out, it fits me well and has given me so much insight into my otherwise confusing, frightening world.
The Impossible Girl
Now with Aspergers
Did I mention I have Aspergers. No, not yet brain! Argh! Try again!
So, where to start, without really trying....
I AM The Impossible Girl. I'm 33yrs old, I have dx fibromyalgia, which I successfully self managed after years of personal research, trial and error and honestly, just hard work and exercise. I have a lot of sensory issues with lights and noise, fabrics. I had much more when I was a child. I also have OCD (rub hands five times, but who's counting right? Well me, because I have obsessive thought patterns which requires me to do so, (like m&m's must be eaten in twos), I stimm physically and verbally (kakor!), though I simply believed it was a coping mechanism since I have no other coping skills. Oh and I stimm mentally too, I count things, always have. I have really pretty numbers in my head but I can't do mathematics (go figure! Ha!) Also I have a mild case of lexical-gustatory synaesthesia, which basically mean I taste or smell, words or speech, and pictures too I have found. I know! Kooky right and a great party trick for my fianc? at dinner time (*sigh* I should never have told him)
My personal journey into Aspergers was spurred by a love for a little boy who desperately needed some help. My, then, 6 year old nephew was diagnosed with Aspergers and wasn't coping well with a new situation at school. Well, I thought, I can help with something surely! What ever it is I have to help with something. I mean, I did so well researching my own diagnosis of fibromyalgia that I went from practically bedridden to pumping weights in about three years, what was the harm in trying right? None that I could see!
So I began researching, endless hrs upon hrs behind the screen. It became my new obsession and without realising it, I was finding out more than I ever could have imagined about myself along the way. I showed my fianc? and he agreed. This is you! This explains YOU! This explains why you blank stare people (even my own family), why when they open up to you about their lives, you go huh? blank stare... This is why I could never speak up. Why I gallop in the supermarket when I'm happy and cower behind you at the very same supermarket the next time I go because it's too noisy. I bump into walls, people, even myself (seriously, I am always bumping into my own body *ouch I didn't think my hand was that close to my other hand) and walked on my toes as a child. I used to actually walk on the tops of my feet with my toes curled under, like galloping along on my toe knuckles. I could run like that as a child! My feet are buggered now though, I have severely pronounced arches which has given me really tiny feet. It also explains my Mothers frustration and dismay, when the audiologist we had seen for my apparent deafness, stated joyously that I had not only Passed my hearing test but excelled at listening to her directives. Well, after the spate of ear infections prior, and me, being me (you know, that quirky 6 year old kid who could recite ferry cross the mersy, while they actually crossed it hahahah!! and liked strange un-girlish things such as castles, dungeons and crime and punishment from the middle ages) anyway me, being me, requested the physician give me a copy of his superbly brilliant poster of the inner ear, which graciously he did, so I could study and inform all of my tiny six year old friends ALL about it (yeh not a good plan)
So I have spun off into detail I see!
I shall call a mental time out and perhaps share with you my discovery of my aspie score? After much research I finally took aim and decided to put this whole asperger-HFA thing to bed and take a simple test. I'll pass and then be consigned to 'neurosis of indeterminate origin' as no other classification has yet been willing to accept me (little joke their as I have a long running obsession with medical afflictions. I have catalogued and collected data for years on other peoples afflictions, I am quite a dab hand but it comes at a cost, sometimes at the cost of another's comfort when I can't help but unleash everything I know, OR everything I think that THEY should know, about their chronic condition or current ailment.) I took the damned test (twice on different occasions) I have taken 3 online tests and scored in the highest range every time. The Baron-Cohen test with the faces, which I thought I could at least out smart- Every other face I got wrong. Anyway so I finally wanted the Aspie score with the graphics My score blew me away; My Aspie score 175-200. My NT score 19-200.
Look, I know better than anyone, that I am not functional, never have been. I have no coping skills; apart from freaking out screaming,endlessly stimming or shutting myself away in the dark. I feel powerless without assistance for myself.
This journey began with my desire to help a small boy who cannot yet hold his own against the world. It has turned into my own fight. A fight for my own daughter. Because I see so much evidence in her. She is three and a half. Terribly smart and eager to learn but she is painfully anxious and shy around her peers, and is already afflicted with compulsions of her own too (Hands must be clean. Kinder tables must be clean. Everything must be clean. Now hide under the table to avoid social activities). She is very playful, at least at home, to the point of exasperation. Boundless energy when all is right with her world. Just a Hooper ball to bounce through the house, couches to launch herself at, floors to spin and fall onto and maybe some hours spent playing computer games, puzzles and watching Peppa Pig or hours of Youtube clips of nursery rhymes. Oh and Freddo's. Never run out of Freddo's
She has seen only one Paediatrician on this subject (not the Freddo's, but the social axniety and ocd and humming). It didn't go well, he said simply she is anxious and has ocd because I do, that'll be $270 thanks, goodbye.... I'm like huh? So how am I to deal with her humming? Her cleaning?? Her hiding and having to be forced to play with others?? Just don't make her feel bad about it. Don't point it out, was his advice?? I was shocked!! He actually said to me... "She looked at me when I said her name, and she drew a picture of a face", (as best three year old with an artist for a mother could hope for), " so she can't have high functioning autism... " Umm, hello, you didn't speak more than five words to her. She was wrapped in her DS and humming during most of the appointment, which was at the end of a big day after kinder. The room was deafeningly quiet and I had gone over what was going to happen with her!! He doesn't get it! This is a 3 year old who just this morning asked me why she cannot write! "I supposed to write words" (her words) so I say ok and I expect, after childcare, she will have me with pencil in hand ready and willing to write her words. She also doesn't get (like) jokes!! Her Oma says "see ya later alligator"and she replies "no I not! I (insert real name)"oh when they say they take things literal. They mean it. My daughter, only just turned three at the time, asked me why they put eyes on her teddy? Literally. Like why'd they bother?? Then she told me her (favourite) pink fluffy teddy doesn't need eyes, or ears, or even feet... cos he's not real Mum. He's pretend! He can't see *duh!* Oh she treats me like an idiot for trying to pretend."I assure you dear child we are merely pretending to be princess's, alas there is no need to remedy any confusion with your persistent insistence that you are still indeed (insert real name)"
Does the paediatrician just not get it?? Does he see her looking him in the eye and therefore dismiss any worries I have. I EVEN looked him in the eye dammit!! I am a big one for looking at any person of authority, including any Doctor in the eye, regardless of discomfort (my mother insisted- look at me) That's what I taught her, look at me! Okay so she will look you in the eye but she STILL won't say hello/goodbye to her friends without constant prompts from us or the teacher. Her (Pre-)kinder teacher is awesome! She listens to us! And most importantly, listens to our daughter, even when she doesn't say a word. She has noticed the quirks, the shyness, the hiding, the hours of playing in the sandbox (yeh, her with dirty hands right! But sand is okay when you are in it! Not when you are finished though. Time to clean your hands). It is good to know we have a least one super special teacher looking out for her this year.
I am really good at getting wrapped up in the detail and missing the point. Point being. I have Aspergers. No matter how I found out, it fits me well and has given me so much insight into my otherwise confusing, frightening world.
The Impossible Girl
Now with Aspergers
