I can never win

[JoeSF4]

I fell in love with a girl and not for her looks. I got drunk with a coworker outside of work and it was the best night of my life. We danced, sang, skipped down the sidewalk and I even was fed pretzels and fell asleep on her lap in the car ride home. I know it was a little weird she fed me pretzels but we were both hammered.

I don’t know how to explain it but I felt so comfortable and safe just laying there on her lap. I Felt like I didn’t have a worry in the world. I’d give anything for the feeling again. Usually I’m only interested in woman for their looks but this girl is the most kind and compassionate person I’ve ever met.

In no way am I saying she’s ugly she just usually wouldn’t be my type. I’m beating myself self up now because I was just gonna ask her out but I thought it would be better if I invited her to a wedding I’m going to in September. She first told me she’d check her schedule but then said she couldn’t make it. She’s also been acting a little weird around me so idk what’s going on.

I get very sensitive to rejection so I’ve spiraled a little bit and just don’t understand. I also told her we could go to the wedding as friends but I feel like I just friend zoned myself. I just want to be loved and want to love someone even more back.

I know I’m probably just over reacting But time and time again I get rejected and it hurts so bad. Idk how much strength I have to keep going. At the rate I’m going I’ll never find someone. I also feel weird asking her out after she declined the wedding invitation. Idk if I should just get to know her more or what but I’m just afraid that maybe she doesn’t want to.

I always feel like I don’t know what to say or say the wrong thing. I’m just so burnt out and have no energy to do anything. I’m drunk and afraid rn. I just want the pain to go away.

 

[VictorR]

To be honest, I'd be rather intimidated if someone I didn't know well invited me to attend a wedding as their "plus-one", no matter how well we may have hit it off (drunkenly or not).

While a wedding is a form of party, it's a relatively intimate one, given the nature of them as a sort of family reunion combined with a chance for folks to meet new relations.

As such, I wouldn't be comfortable attending one as a guest of an invitee unless I was their spouse/partner, or a close friend. It would present too many opportunities for awkward conversations to arise (i.e. Oh hi, I haven't met you before, are you so-and-so's partner?)

 

[Judge]

Idk if I should just get to know her more or what but I’m just afraid that maybe she doesn’t want to. I always feel like I don’t know what to say or say the wrong thing. I’m just so burnt out and have no energy to do anything. I’m drunk and afraid rn. I just want the pain to go away.

Sounds like a plan. Take time to get to know her better.

Most of all to get to know her while both of you are sober.

While it may have been a fun night out for you, it may have proven embarrassing for her. While she might like getting to know you more, she may be highly reticent to do so at any party scenario, particularly where alcohol is served.

 

[lunarious]

I am not experienced with Love affairs.

But "friend zone" is a theory that is unreal? Do aim to be friends and enjoy the friendship. Leave aside longterm marriage, focus on one thing; enjoy the friendship.

Hopefully longterm friendship, that "may evolve to sonething more". Don't focus on the second part, just frienship.

 

[Rodafina]

I think inviting her to the wedding could have been part of your problem. That’s not something I would say yes to for the reasons @VictorR mentioned. Too much, too soon. Maybe try again and ask her to do something much more casual and fun for her.

I agree with @lunarious - focus on building a friendship and as @Judge said, get to know her better sober. A drunken night can leave you full of an artificial sense of closeness. Building strong relationships takes time and trying to skip ahead to closeness may drive people further away.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I fell in love with a girl and not for her looks. I don’t know how to explain it but I felt so comfortable and safe just laying there on her lap. I Felt like I didn’t have a worry in the world. I’d give anything for the feeling again. Usually I’m only interested in woman for their looks but this girl is the most kind and compassionate person I’ve ever met. In no way am I saying she’s ugly she just usually wouldn’t be my type.

I think a lot of young people go through this, both men and women. It's sort of the experience between "expectation" versus "reality" or "want" versus "need". It's very common for the young person to only see the "genetics" in terms of physical beauty, and it's not anyone's fault per se because biologically we are supposed to procreate between the ages of 15 - 25 when we are at our physical peaks.

It hasn't been 50 years since that was the norm, and that norm has been that way since the dawn of mankind, through the millennia. Now-a-days, people, mostly women, are focused upon getting their advanced education, then starting a career, and only then, maybe, consider being a mother and getting married, only to realize that she is either too old to procreate (infertility issues) or the much higher statistical risks of having their baby being born with some sort of mental or physical congenital health issue. Old eggs and old sperm are a set-up for all sorts of issues, and biologically, in terms of obstetrical, perinatal, and neonatal issues, "old" is anyone over 30 years. Reality. Biology doesn't care about social norms.

Back to the conversation here, but as you found out, almost by accident, most people need (1) a sense of love, peace, calm, tranquility in their lives and (2) it can come in the form of a person whom you never thought would be "the one" in terms of their physical attributes. Sometimes a beautiful mind happens to be carried around in the most unlikely of body, and is often not recognized until a situation like @JoeSF4 describes. Whether you are the man or the woman in the relationship, you need to be the "chief peace officer" of that relationship, and if you both take on that role, plan on being content and happy. My wife and I have been together for nearly 40 years because we take on the role of being each others "sanctuary", "safe space", and source of peace and tranquility. Yes, it is an amazing thing to experience.

@JoeSF4, I think if you can find the courage to explain to her what you experienced with her, that epiphany you had, and would be privileged to do the same for her, you can reconnect in a significant and meaningful way.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Watch out "friend zone" was not even a friend zone for me but was just a painful textationship who I thought was my first ever female friend even though she claimed multiple times she was my "church friend" use to give me hugs and made me feel so great when she said I can text her anytime and we can hang out on Sundays except it was I got to go and meet a friend excuse or I got to go excuse. We never actually hanged out.

 

[AndyFBlues]

I think inviting her to the wedding could have been part of your problem. That’s not something I would say yes to for the reasons @VictorR mentioned. Too much, too soon. Maybe try again and ask her to do something much more casual and fun for her.

I agree with @lunarious - focus on building a friendship and as @Judge said, get to know her better sober. A drunken night can leave you full of an artificial sense of closeness. Building strong relationships takes time and trying to skip ahead to closeness may drive people further away.

A wedding might seem like things are moving too fast. How about inviting her for a cup of coffee?

 

[All-Rounder]

There is a thing about not dating coworkers, things may have developed too fast and when there's alcohol involved intention and consent especially for women is not. Alcohol statistically makes women have regretful sex and consent for anything can't be obtained from either of you.

Now having passed the drunk stage, you realize you developed feelings. Begs the question if alcohol wouldn't have been involved, would you manage to obtain the same feelings with her? That requires another sober meeting.

Stop drinking and let yourself feel if you value feelings, good and bad, let your brain process them and stop hampering them with alcohol or else you will remain at a stage where you have too many unresolved feelings and are unfit for a relationship.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

yeah i'm more upset lately because of a woman i matched with on a dating app, she let me have her phone number, i asked her out, then she later changes her mind about me saying that we are not a good match.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

yeah i'm more upset lately because of a woman i matched with on a dating app, she let me have her phone number, i asked her out, then she later changes her mind about me saying that we are not a good match.

That's why I will never try dating apps ever even though everyone here and my friends keep busting my ass to keep trying. I am having difficulty with them walking away from me now when I sit near them and giving me the resting face in now places of worship and social gatherings where they suppose to talk to too and don't give me that crap that they suppose to not don't bring up that dead horse again.

 

[Rocco]

yeah i'm more upset lately because of a woman i matched with on a dating app, she let me have her phone number, i asked her out, then she later changes her mind about me saying that we are not a good match.

This is very common with matches from apps, it happens to everyone (male or female) that uses the apps. Never tie your self worth to the outcomes of online dating. I would also suggest not getting your hopes up about a match until you attend a second date. The dating app game is fickle and unreliable.