Captain Mars
Member
Hey. It's been a little while since I posted here. My last post wasn't exactly the most hopeful. Guess it takes reaching your lowest ebb to see the path out.
Things are...well not all that different circumstantially. But I'm feeling much better about it. Better than I thought I'd ever be again. It's a long story.
I was getting to my breaking point. I finally lucked out and found work as a clerk at a smoke shop, and the job is pretty chill with some fine people running it alongside me. Beats my last job by a country mile, and then some. But it's not enough money. Not to worry though, as I've decided I plan on long-term making my money over social media, like so many of my peers.
Had a period of several weeks starting around Thanksgiving where I did little else with my free time but deep dive into my psychology. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't often fun, but I knew I had to do it. I learned a lot, about myself, and about the people I've shared my life with. A lot of those truths were very uncomfortable. But the truth shall set you free.
Began tearing down the walls I erected 20 years ago when my mom got her multiple sclerosis diagnosis. It was about then that my home life destabilized and it's never been remotely stable since. In the midst of this wall demolition, I began to reconnect with my id, and when I did, I began to dig up a mountain of repressed memories. It was so much pain, so quickly, it overwhelmed me.
I began to pray. I think it's the most I've ever prayed in my life. I was so scared, so devastated, so angry, so confused, I didn't know what to do anymore. And in that moment where my last wall fell, and my heart was completely vulnerable, I felt Christ make His presence known to me.
I won't spoil the details of my revelation. I was overly enthusiastic to share them, but I've been advised to reconsider. The details should remain personal. Either way, it completely changed my life. I decided I had lived in fear, depression, and paranoia for too long. If I was going to move forward, I would need to be radically honest and open not just with others in my circle, but with myself.
To that end, I took one of the first major steps by confronting my parents over the severe emotional abuse and neglect I experienced as a child. I was prepared to go at life completely alone if I had to, but I couldn't keep lying to myself. I couldn't keep dragging everything everyone had ever done to me on my back, it was killing me.
My mother was surprisingly kind and understanding. Devastated, but I held nothing back. I think our relationship is better for it now. My father avoided responsibility and kept shifting the conversation. I don't care. There's nothing I can say that'll hit him like the world continues to.
I've completely opened up to all my friends. They're concerned, and some of them talk less now, but I won't let it bother me anymore. I want to change. I want things to get better. I'm not here to impress or fawn over the world. I'm here because God put me here, knowing I had a purpose to being here. I've begun praying a lot more often, I feel happier. I give myself space to be happy, carefree, and relaxed now. And for the first time in a long time, it doesn't take a herculean effort to smile anymore.
I wake up with a lust for life that I swore was completely lost to me. I used to look at the world like a cruel battle arena, with backstabbers and bullies hidden around every corner. Now, it feels like a grand adventure for the first time since childhood. And every day, even on my worst days, I find myself approaching each one with gratitude in my heart where fear used to dominate. My creativity and train of thought feel completely unshackled now, and I find it difficult to stop the constant flow of ideas.
I used to feel like a splintered personality. Like it shifted on a dime with emotion and circumstance. Now, I've never felt more complete in my life.
So I've started developing a cerebral RPG in RPG Maker based on my experiences. Figured it spoke to something universal without it needing to just be some ego project. Whole thing will take place within the subconscious.
Is this a bad time to mention the protagonist's name is Ego? Lmfao
Things are...well not all that different circumstantially. But I'm feeling much better about it. Better than I thought I'd ever be again. It's a long story.
I was getting to my breaking point. I finally lucked out and found work as a clerk at a smoke shop, and the job is pretty chill with some fine people running it alongside me. Beats my last job by a country mile, and then some. But it's not enough money. Not to worry though, as I've decided I plan on long-term making my money over social media, like so many of my peers.
Had a period of several weeks starting around Thanksgiving where I did little else with my free time but deep dive into my psychology. It wasn't easy, and it wasn't often fun, but I knew I had to do it. I learned a lot, about myself, and about the people I've shared my life with. A lot of those truths were very uncomfortable. But the truth shall set you free.
Began tearing down the walls I erected 20 years ago when my mom got her multiple sclerosis diagnosis. It was about then that my home life destabilized and it's never been remotely stable since. In the midst of this wall demolition, I began to reconnect with my id, and when I did, I began to dig up a mountain of repressed memories. It was so much pain, so quickly, it overwhelmed me.
I began to pray. I think it's the most I've ever prayed in my life. I was so scared, so devastated, so angry, so confused, I didn't know what to do anymore. And in that moment where my last wall fell, and my heart was completely vulnerable, I felt Christ make His presence known to me.
I won't spoil the details of my revelation. I was overly enthusiastic to share them, but I've been advised to reconsider. The details should remain personal. Either way, it completely changed my life. I decided I had lived in fear, depression, and paranoia for too long. If I was going to move forward, I would need to be radically honest and open not just with others in my circle, but with myself.
To that end, I took one of the first major steps by confronting my parents over the severe emotional abuse and neglect I experienced as a child. I was prepared to go at life completely alone if I had to, but I couldn't keep lying to myself. I couldn't keep dragging everything everyone had ever done to me on my back, it was killing me.
My mother was surprisingly kind and understanding. Devastated, but I held nothing back. I think our relationship is better for it now. My father avoided responsibility and kept shifting the conversation. I don't care. There's nothing I can say that'll hit him like the world continues to.
I've completely opened up to all my friends. They're concerned, and some of them talk less now, but I won't let it bother me anymore. I want to change. I want things to get better. I'm not here to impress or fawn over the world. I'm here because God put me here, knowing I had a purpose to being here. I've begun praying a lot more often, I feel happier. I give myself space to be happy, carefree, and relaxed now. And for the first time in a long time, it doesn't take a herculean effort to smile anymore.
I wake up with a lust for life that I swore was completely lost to me. I used to look at the world like a cruel battle arena, with backstabbers and bullies hidden around every corner. Now, it feels like a grand adventure for the first time since childhood. And every day, even on my worst days, I find myself approaching each one with gratitude in my heart where fear used to dominate. My creativity and train of thought feel completely unshackled now, and I find it difficult to stop the constant flow of ideas.
I used to feel like a splintered personality. Like it shifted on a dime with emotion and circumstance. Now, I've never felt more complete in my life.
So I've started developing a cerebral RPG in RPG Maker based on my experiences. Figured it spoke to something universal without it needing to just be some ego project. Whole thing will take place within the subconscious.
Is this a bad time to mention the protagonist's name is Ego? Lmfao
