I can’t always care about you

[SimonSays]

I can’t always care about you. I don't always have it in me. I realised that many of my past caring moments tied in with the idea of being accepted. Caring not only lets me fit in, but in return lets me experience being cared for. I thought being cared for was something I wanted. I thought I wasn't cut out to be alone. It turns out the opposite is true.

Being accepted requires me to wear a mask, and that mask hides who I am. And so, if I feel I can no longer live behind it, then I simply won't care like others might. I could try to explain why, but it might not make sense, and it's not really something I want to do anyway. I need to be who I am, and that means there are some things I probably won't have anymore. As the mask was never the real me, the truth is I might not have been caring anyway, I just looked like I was.

Which is why I think I bother some people now, because I don't fit into their idea of how I'm supposed to be, and that makes them feel uncomfortable. It's not my job to make them feel comfortable. Being uncomfortable brings an opportunity to know ourselves better, rather than hiding behind a mask as most do.

I can accept being outside, as me, rather than inside, as something that isn't. I can't say what I am exactly, I just know what I can't be any more.

 

[Slim Jim]

But you can always show respect. (Unless they are actively trying to harm you, then you have a right to defend yourself.)

You cant care all the time. You don't owe that, to anybody. Just basic respect.

And making somebody comfortable?, I can talk to somebody, put a smile on their face, I'm just being friendly. I'm respecting them. And positive interaction may arise. It doesn't mean I care, past a superficial level.

Caring is what a mother does to her child. Caring is, a focused attachment. That goes a little bit deeper than respect or admiration, which is more detached.

Caring is emotionally draining. Many medical professionals , nurses especially, easily get burnt out on empathy, over time. You only have so much emotional reserve, to spend, in a 24hour period, before you breakdown from exhaustion. That's basic biochemistry.

 

[SimonSays]

I want to be alone really. Do my own thing. Be myself. Write my thoughts. Come and go. Live my simple life. I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to do it; become even more reclusive, but I can’t escape the fact that I live in a shared house. A financial decision. I don’t really need much more, but it is very challenging, maybe more than it needs to be. I can never let go here, which I would probably do were I truly alone. So there is that.

 

[Slim Jim]

but I can’t escape the fact that I live in a shared house.

You can though, You have free will. You always have autonomy.
Nothing is permanent. Sometimes things have to get really bad, before we feel we just have no other choice, we have to change it. I know with me, I am averse to change too, as it is a trait.

 

[Slim Jim]

So what you are saying is....Money rules you. It's actually, supposed to be the other way around.

 

[Luca]

Sometimes I wish it was easier for me to not care
I keep caring about people who I don't trust, who hurt me, who don't like me, who wouldn't give a crap if I got murdered in my sleep tonight. And I keep caring what they think. Some people don't deserve my empathy. I wish I could turn it off!

 

[SimonSays]

And I keep caring what they think. Some people don't deserve my empathy. I wish I could turn it off!

I know what you mean. Caring about what other people think seems so irrational sometimes. I suppose it is a kind of empathy, and I know I feel affected even when it doesn't make sense to be.

But what I do to turn it off is...not react to what they think even if I feel affected by it. I just recognise I am affected by it, but also know that what they think doesn't really matter, and carry on with my life. Soon I'm no longer affected by it. I can't control what someone else thinks, and don't have to. It's a practice.