I can't take it anymore.

[AidenMaccullagh]

I have had it. I'm done with being treated no better than the begging people on the streets. I'm done with being told that I am worthless. I'm done trying to be happy on the outside. Every therapist all the medications I swear the drug cartels in Mexico would make money with all the medications I take.

If the world thinks all I'm going to be is floor mat they will see what happens to me. I will make a video of me committing to my death with a sign that says "you broke me my death is on you." It shall show that this world will perish for treating me like this. My spirit will burn all. I will haunt forever even exorsists won't get rid of me. I can't keep fighting forever.

I'm broken. I can't be fixed. 28 will be the age that kills me. If the world really cared for me I would not be treated like crap. I mean before all this I was the most lovable person. I had a heart of gold. I would help people when I could. I went to social events and I would talk your ear off. I had a great sense of humor.

Now I am a person with emotional scars, no sense of what love is. I feel as neglected as the animals that are on the ASPCA commercials. Time runs short for me. Another emotional scar and I will self destruct.

I will take what kind words you have and read them. After I will see what happens but right now there is a lot of scars that are bringing me to critical emotional levels.
I feel dead inside.

 

[Suzanne]

Hi AidenMaccullagh

I hear you and have felt many times as you are describing, but once I face the reality that most people are out for themselves and one act of kindness can abused as: door mat, you have to sit up and take note.

Next month, I see my psychiatrist and telling him that there is really no point me seeing him, because all he wants to do is given me medicine.

Ok, the medicine did calm down my anger issues, but the cost was too severe. I will NOT be medicated and plus, despite my telling him the reason why I was prejudiced against medicine and how I gained a lot of weight, he goes and gives me medicine that causes weight and is addictive!

I said: you told me that one of the medicines was not for depression, but anxiety and now you are saying that it is natural I should suffer depression, because the medicine is working! How logical is that?

We have to be sort of on our wits with eyes wide open, as best we can. That is, unless we have family who are supportive, there is really nothing but to swim and not sink. I seem to be a "swimmer".

My faith helps me tremendeously. Being one of Jehovah's Witnesses helps me to keep things balanced out and I meet many ones who are in fact worse than me and that has a calming effect on me and that is despite them being nt!

I felt suicidal once in my life, but learned it was called a "death wish" or a "cry for help", because even though I willed my life away, I did not activily take my life. I just wanted relief from the mental agony, but I pulled through and other than a couple of episodes of wanting to be dead, they faded away.

We all know how mentally painful it is being surrounded by nts and why coming on here brings relief.

 

[Starfire]

I mean before all this I was the most lovable person. I had a heart of gold.

It sounds like something has happened to change you, some sort of event. You need to speak to a professional about it because this is the second time you’ve made a thread where you talk about threatening to kill yourself.

This is beyond the remit of an ASD forum. Perhaps all the meds you take are combining and causing suicidal thoughts. You must know that “this world will perish for treating me like this” is delusional. The sun will rise and set as always, whether we are here or not.

Please seek professional help before it goes too far, I doubt anyone here is qualified to help you or offer meaningful advice which you will actually take and use.

 

[Adora]

Ok, the medicine did calm down my anger issues, but the cost was too severe. I will NOT be medicated and plus, despite my telling him the reason why I was prejudiced against medicine and how I gained a lot of weight, he goes and gives me medicine that causes weight and is addictive!

A similar thing happened to me when I was 19,I was put on Aropax which also called Paxil and they knew that even then I didn’t like the idea of medication and I was fearful of gaining weight, I asked a lady at the counseling service if this medication causes weight gain and she outright lied to me,within two months I gained the most weight I ever gained and it made me feel worse,I got off the medication eventually but went through serious withdrawals that made me ill,not long after I went off the medication I lost the weight but it has scared me off medication ever again because not only did it affect my weight but my mind aswell.

 

[SusanLR]

I agree with @Starfire , it sounds as if something has happened to change you this drastically.
But, I feel the opposite to you on the it's the world's fault and they made you suicidal.
No one can make us anything.
We allow them to get into our psyche.
If you shut them out, they can't get in and if no one in the world cares then they won't care what you do
to yourself either.
Yes, people can hurt us physically, but, emotionally you can show them they aren't getting to you.

 

[AidenMaccullagh]

@Starfire. I have tried seeking professional help. They are not really helpful at all. Basically all they say is you know people are just jerks. Ok so what do I do about this? Idk where they went to school but they suck at what they do.

 

[mangodude]

i am by no means a professional, but if meds make you suicidal, take in mind your dosage of them.
if world seems unfair and cruel, try to pack a tent, sleeping bag and some food and go to forest or on a hike to isolate yourself for some period of time until you calm down.
if that's not an option for you, i think seeking a professional, until you find the one who you can trust, is the right thing to do.

i don't think, as @Starfire said, this website is designed for cases of your kind.

good luck

 

[Nitro]

While we can try to be supportive in any way possible @AidenMaccullagh, none of us are really qualified to help you.

Please reach out for assistance, possibly from a helpline in this list:
https://www.autismforums.com/thread...evention-resources-call-for-submissions.9143/

 

[Starfire]

@Starfire. I have tried seeking professional help. They are not really helpful at all. Basically all they say is you

know people are just jerks. Ok so what do I do about this? Idk where they went to school but they suck at what they do.

I’m glad you replied, let’s be logical and and try to find the root of this by elimination.

You didn’t confirm or deny whether a particular event has occurred which may have turned your world upside down. That might be helpful but of course there’s no need to go into any detail you’re not comfortable with. It might be worth your exploring that with someone as a starting point.

I find it extremely unlikely any professional would say “you know people are just jerks” because that’s simply not true, some are undoubtedly but not all by any means. If you believed that, you wouldn’t be on this forum.

It might be advisable to go to your doctor or prescriber and explain your situation, what is happening and how you are feeling. You need to perhaps change some meds or lower doses I don’t know I’m not medically trained and don’t pretend to be. Your doctor however is qualified, and if they are not aware of your present mental health problems, how do you expect them to adjust anything or help you?

 

[SunnyDay16]

I agree with @Starfire , it sounds as if something has happened to change you this drastically.
But, I feel the opposite to you on the it's the world's fault and they made you suicidal.
No one can make us anything.
We allow them to get into our psyche.
If you shut them out, they can't get in and if no one in the world cares then they won't care what you do
to yourself either.
Yes, people can hurt us physically, but, emotionally you can show them they aren't getting to you.

Eh, I kind of disagree with this a bit. People are emotional by nature, some less than others, but we're all emotional to some extent. Therefore, we're hardwired to hurt emotionally from people. That's not really a choice we make, it's just part of being human. The saying "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is a well-intentioned saying, but it doesn't have any grounds in reality. The reality is words do have as much potential to hurt us as being punched in the stomach.

For example, if a parent tells their child they are worthless, starting from a young age, it's inevitable the child will grow up internalizing that and having low self-esteem as a result. Sure, it's not going to cause bruises and scars like whipping a child would, but it still can be just as harmful. Telling that child that they "chose" to allow their parent's words affect them is not going to be helpful, because it's not a choice at all. We're meant to react to negative stimuli.

That doesn't mean we can't or shouldn't find coping mechanisms to deal with it, but it's normal and even healthy to be hurt by people being mean. It's a vital first step to getting emotionally healthy.

 

[SunnyDay16]

Aiden, as harsh as it is, ending your life is not going to get assholes to care about what they did/said to you. People tend to prioritize themselves first, then the people that are closest to them. Some people just don't care about other people at all. It's sad, but it's not going to change anytime soon if they aren't willing to change.

You have to be your own friend first. Try to find ways to cope with your depression, whether it would be through modifiying your diet or exercise. I wouldn't give up on professional help entirely either, but it may take some time to find a therapist that you feel comfortable with and trust. As far as medications go, they might just not be the right thing for you. They're not for everyone.

It seems to me you may have went through some trauma from either bullying or abuse. It's worth trying to address that, since it's not going to go away. But know that how you feel is a healthy and natural response to being treated poorly constantly. You're not "weak" or a "defect" for feeling the way you do, but just know that ending your life isn't the answer. Because, quite frankly, the people who have hurt you aren't likely to care.

 

[Tom]

You sound like you are in the mode of 'everything's bad, nobody can help, nothing works'. It likely a combo of depression and the black and white thinking Aspies tend to fall into.

I can say confidently, many medicines do work, and many medical professionals are competent and want to help. Its trial and error sometimes and being persistent until you get the right one, a person you trust.

Falling into the negative outlook and trying nothing to improve the situation just delays turning it around. You should try to fix the most serious problems first and then go down the list. To me physical safety is a priority, so a move may be item number one.

 

[DesertRose]

Please seek some help. It is very possible you're on too much medication. I heard Temple Grandin say a teeny micro dose helped her with anxiety, but a regular dose had bad side effects.
Just know this, there are a lot of jerks out there, and most people are so absorbed with themselves that they don't notice how much of a jerk they are being.
I've been where you are, it's hell. But if you'll not give up, it will pass. Do something for yourself, a camping trip, a bike ride, try to think of other things not your problems. Please seek some help, don't do anything rash.

 

[tducey]

Sorry to hear about your issues, Aiden. I wish you all the best at this time but think you should consider contacting a professional or focus on the positive instead of the negative. Hoping it gets better for you.

 

[SusanLR]

People are emotional by nature, some less than others, but we're all emotional to some extent. Therefore, we're hardwired to hurt emotionally from people. That's not really a choice we make, it's just part of being human.

Yes, we are hurt emotionally by others who lie, bully, cheat, and are mean to us,
the way we react to this hurt is a choice.

We can allow what they say or do make us believe we really are a nothing person and a doormat that
just takes it all. This way of reacting usually encourages the bullies of the world to just continue, thinking you're a push over.

Or if others are saying things you know are lies about you, trying to be mean purposefully and putting you down when you know that it isn't true, know you're better than what they would like you to think and
tell them so or ignore them. Usually they back down when they don't see you're being beaten down.
Then they may call you the bully for holding up for yourself. But, at least I don't give anyone the pleasure
of thinking they've made me believe the bs they're saying.

Yes, it hurts either way. But, I've just never been one that allows what others say make me feel I'm the less than person they'd like.

I don't know how a young child would react to parents putting them down since I was an only child and
as a baby received love and attention.

My Mom and her siblings had an abusive father and none of them grew up with low self esteem.
When they were old enough they started standing up for themselves and most left home early as possible.
Choice of reaction to hurt.

And @AidenMaccullagh if you're reading this, this is only my own personal reaction. How I handled any bullying.
I wish you the best of luck in finding the best for you.

 

[pamelaperejil]

@Starfire. I have tried seeking professional help. They are not really helpful at all. Basically all they say is you know people are just jerks. Ok so what do I do about this? Idk where they went to school but they suck at what they do.

Just saw this.

I have seen shrinks like that.

It really sucks when they're supposed to be helping you but you feel like you have to coach them to do their jobs. Or they're just sort of mentally checked out, not even listening, 'cause it's not their problem.

For what it's worth, I think they're not all like that. I don't know if you're in a position to be able to pick and choose who you see.

I don't have any definitive answers, but I do wish you peace. There's a poster in here (I forget who) whose signature line is a phrase in Latin that amounts to "don't let the bastards grind you down".

Don't let the bastards grind you down.