drama4money
New Member
I am a 29 year old male that suffers from depression. I was dating a 19 year old female who has Aspergers for about 9 months. I fell in love with her early on and she with me. I admired her intelligence, her childlike personality, her good looks, her spirituality and her heart. However, I found it very difficult to relate to her because I like to joke around a lot, especially when I'm trying to cheer someone up. I also don't take myself too seriously and I'm very easy going. This is who I am, this is what makes me. She often took things literally and was very sensitive. This caused a lot of problems because she would often get offended I’d get no response from her, just silence or a blank stare. It felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time and it stressed me out like hell because I couldn’t be myself. What made it worse is that I'm a very emotional person. Due to my depression, I need a lot of emotional support. With her I felt lonely, our conversations were mostly one-sided and I didn’t feel an emotional connection. She rarely would ask me how I was doing, how I felt, how work went, etc. and when she did, that's all she would ask. Literally, that's all. She would ask me and I would say something like, "good, it went well" or "it sucked", then she would change the subject and tell me about a stupid meme she saw on Instagram or something. Ugh, I felt so invalidated, so lonely. Thinking about it makes me feel terrible. Even though I talked to her about how I felt and my need to feel validated, she just wouldn't get it no matter how many times I told her. She had told me from the start that she had aspergers, but I didn't really know what it was until recently. Perhaps if I did, I wouldn't have gotten into the relationship. She's a sweet girl though. That's what hurts the most. It sucks that she has that stupid disorder. It sucks that she suffers from mind blindness. It sucks that she can't consider my feelings or understand me. I hate it. I hate this life. I love her so much, but I just know I'd go crazy if I'd marry her. I also feel so guilty because I know she loves me, she tells me all the time. She shows me drawings, poems, letters etc. that all show her love for me. When I'm laying down with her in bed, I can feel it. She seems so distracted anywhere else though, like I barely exist. But there, in bed, laying next to her, I can feel her love. She really opens up to me, more than anywhere else. However, she's still very immature, which puts me off. She's also incredibly clingy and extremely jealous. I’ve lost most of my friends because of this. I've hardly even seen my family also because she wants me to be with her all the time. She's also insulted me, disrespected me, and even punched me before. She’s vengeful and unforgiving. I've experienced her meltdowns, I've seen the worst in her. I have a lot of patience and compassion for her though because I blame her behavior for all the things she's gone through, her age, and her aspergers. Her birth mom abandoned her, she's lived in group homes, she's been to juvenile hall, she's been mentally and emotionally abused by her grandma (not physically), she’s been assaulted and left for dead, and she’s had many hospital trips due to her depression and suicidal attempts. She wanted to marry me, but I just couldn’t. This broke her heart and now she wants to move to New York and wants me to help her get there. Even though I care for her very much and want to make her happy, I read about all the problems in NT/AS relationships. I know about affective deprivation disorder. I know how hard it is to live with someone with AS from experience and from reading about experiences online. It kills me knowing this because I love her very much despite everything that has happened. I do want to marry her, but at the same time I know if I did I’d be miserable. I’d probably lose my mind. I just hope she gets better. I hope she finds happiness. I really wish it would’ve been with me, but I just can’t handle it. I really wish I had the strength to handle it. I wish she could see my point of view. I really wish she could “get me”. I love this girl, I really do. I’m sorry the long post. I just feel so terrible right now. I want to die.
Sigh!....now I am depressed....I don't match up well with NTs either!
