I deal with a really EMBARASSING and GROSS (warning) habit/stim and I NEED HELP

[BingoBoing77]

This is something really really gross I have to warn you but I really need help. I deal with an issue that normally only affects autistic children or those with higher support needs then my own (im level 2). So yeah before i get into that first I want to say that ummmm.... I have EDS which makes my body and muscles week and autism on top of it makes it so I DO NOT feel the need to go number 1 or number 2 till its way too late. So yeah theres that. I have to wear a diaper which is frustrating to say the least. And due to my extreme sensory needs I can not even clean myself, or I have a meltdown. I'm already in constant supervised care basically 24/7 so theres always someone there to do it for me parents or caregiver but it SUCKS. I feel so torn cause I have lots of childish interests and habits due to autism but when Im getting changed by my mom watching cartoons on my tablet I feel so embarassed I want to hide forever and never come out. I feel so embarassed and stupid to like the shows I like when I realize I basically live like a big baby.

Now to the other thing I do. So yeah this is your last warning before it gets real gross. Sometimes when I have a poopy accident, I occasionly get VERY startled and shocked and flustered and my brain goes to STIM STIM STIM mode trying to stim with anything I can. If I dont have my special slime or play doh around me, my mind goes half way blank I feel like im watching myself do this, then I reach into the back of my diaper and pull out poop to squish between my hands and if Im feeling really awful I end up just smearing it on walls and face and yeah.... real gross. My sensory needs are soooo HIGH that when this happens what normally would smell really bad to me just smells strong instead, and even if its a bad smell if its strong enough it calms me down. I looked up on the internet and its called diaper digging or fecal smearing. So yeah theres that, I am a diaper digger with a high school diploma. This started when I was a little kid, kinda stopped my later years, and I think with some stress it came back the past couple of years. It's NOT OKAY AT ALL. I want to stop sooooo bad.

Its taking me an extra second to write this next part cause im getting really sad about it. I have friends who are neurotypical but they love me and weve been friends since high school. One friend Ben I go over once a week, or used to go over I should say, to play video games. We were playing Lego something and I made a mess in my pants not even realizing. I felt super embarassed and like an idiot so I got up to the bathroom and locked the door. My caretaker was out buying us lunch so I didn't go to her and ask for a change. Ben knows I wear diapers all my friends do so he asked if I was all good, I told him I wanted to wait in the bathroom till Clarissa got home. Even though Ben and all my friends are fine just having to bring it up in front of him made me super anxious and mind racing and I felt like all my friends think Im just a big dumb baby they all pity and I sobbed quietly to myself. I then just kinda reached around and did my gross diaper digging thing and when I zone out doing it I ZONE OUT. Hands turned into walls and I had started smearing poo on everything, including some apparently expensive art they had in the bathroom. When my caregiver and Ben finally opened the door and saw me, Ive never seen Ben that mad EVER, and AT ME. It was scary. I cried and he apologized and my caregiver cleaned me up. When I got home Ben called me and said that he still loves me but he can't have me over to his house again, basically ever and I cried again. He said maybe if I go a year without doing it but he struggles with OCD and cleanliness so I can see why a poop smearing idiot like me gets under his skin. I felt like such an idiot.

Also not only did I ruin my favorite thing to do with my favorite friend I now have to wear what essentially is a onesie for people with Alzehemers they cant get off by themselves in order to prevent me from doing this. Its incredibly demeaning on top of already having to wear diapers and get them changed is being essentially locked into them. I KNOW I need but but it sucks and makes me feel like a big dunce. And these onesies make it harder but they dont stop me completely from stimming with my poop I just have to be different about it which i dont wanna go into detail with.

So yeah if you have any tips or dealt with this yourself please let me know Im sorry if I grossed you out but its my life lol. I REALLY wanna stop wearing these body suits and I REALLY REALLY wanna go back to my friend Ben's house to play games.

 

[Misery]

For what it's worth, I can understand why a difficult stim like that can happen.

My own negative stim involves my fingernails. If I get agitated enough, I'll rake my nails (which are somewhat long, I only trim them when they get too annoying) down my left arm, and I'll just keep doing this, and yes, I have a big obvious scar from it too (from a time when I got REALLY agitated). So I often have little cuts and scrapes all over my arm, that are hard to explain to others that notice it. But when the need to do that raking stim hits me, it really is a NEED. Despite that it is a pretty harmful stim, I lose control once it begins, and I wont feel the pain of it until the effect has worn off.

There are three things I found that help with a big negative stim like that:

1. Get a handle on what comes BEFORE the stim. If the signs are starting to show (or you THINK they are starting to show) but you arent in the stim state yet, get up and do something to knock yourself out of your current mental state BEFORE the stim takes over. Obviously of course this is all situational and doesnt work if the trigger moment happens really suddenly. But if there are little signs you can figure out that a trigger moment is on the way, you can take actions to get your mind ready so the moment isnt intense enough that you lose control.

2. Replacement. Train yourself to perform a different, harmless (yet still intense) stim instead. It's not easy to do. In my case I usually just sorta bang my right hand onto like a chair armrest a few times to knock that tense state out. Which... okay yeah that does cause other problems, but it's not as bad as clawing at myself. You get the idea. Find a different intense-yet-safe thing, keep it nearby, and try to get in the habit of doing THAT instead.

3. Constant small stims. I dont know if this is how it works for others, but for me, I realized that part of the raking stim is also just the fact that I havent had enough "normal" stims before that point. Like, if I'm sitting on, say, a plane, right, where I cant really get up and move or do much else, that's a situation where I'm not getting any normal stims over time (because I cant move around enough), and I'm MUCH more likely to claw at my arm in that case. But if I'm in a situation where I'm able to move around and have been active enough, the raking stim is MUCH less likely to trigger. For instance, if I've been out hiking or something or doing activities in the house that involve a lot of movement, that sorta keeps the stim-meter filled and can prevent the raking stim.

It's not really easy to do these things and break out of a negative stim loop, but considering what the alternative is... For me it's like, yeah, this is hard but if I DONT try my best at it, I'll have more scars.


That's just my own tricks though that work for me. Others here might have some other tactics that they use for their own difficult stims, whatever those may be.

 

[Misty Avich]

I have no advice, as I've never been in that situation before. But you do have my sympathy.

First off, you have NT friends that you knew from school. That's one step ahead of me for a start, even though I'm level 1.

I understand that your condition can feel so undignifying and embarrassing, but just think, there are fully functioning NTs out there who actually choose to have your lifestyle. I find that embarrassing. But I don't find you embarrassing, because you didn't choose to be this way. You need diapers due to a medical condition, which I fully respect and I don't judge. Plus you're autistic. I wouldn't even mind being a caregiver to good people like yourself. I'd even offer hugs, if you wouldn't mind that is.

I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice. But you're very welcome here.

 

[BingoBoing77]

For what it's worth, I can understand why a difficult stim like that can happen.

My own negative stim involves my fingernails. If I get agitated enough, I'll rake my nails (which are somewhat long, I only trim them when they get too annoying) down my left arm, and I'll just keep doing this, and yes, I have a big obvious scar from it too (from a time when I got REALLY agitated). So I often have little cuts and scrapes all over my arm, that are hard to explain to others that notice it. But when the need to do that raking stim hits me, it really is a NEED. Despite that it is a pretty harmful stim, I lose control once it begins, and I wont feel the pain of it until the effect has worn off.

There are three things I found that help with a big negative stim like that:

1. Get a handle on what comes BEFORE the stim. If the signs are starting to show (or you THINK they are starting to show) but you arent in the stim state yet, get up and do something to knock yourself out of your current mental state BEFORE the stim takes over. Obviously of course this is all situational and doesnt work if the trigger moment happens really suddenly. But if there are little signs you can figure out that a trigger moment is on the way, you can take actions to get your mind ready so the moment isnt intense enough that you lose control.

2. Replacement. Train yourself to perform a different, harmless (yet still intense) stim instead. It's not easy to do. In my case I usually just sorta bang my right hand onto like a chair armrest a few times to knock that tense state out. Which... okay yeah that does cause other problems, but it's not as bad as clawing at myself. You get the idea. Find a different intense-yet-safe thing, keep it nearby, and try to get in the habit of doing THAT instead.

3. Constant small stims. I dont know if this is how it works for others, but for me, I realized that part of the raking stim is also just the fact that I havent had enough "normal" stims before that point. Like, if I'm sitting on, say, a plane, right, where I cant really get up and move or do much else, that's a situation where I'm not getting any normal stims over time (because I cant move around enough), and I'm MUCH more likely to claw at my arm in that case. But if I'm in a situation where I'm able to move around and have been active enough, the raking stim is MUCH less likely to trigger. For instance, if I've been out hiking or something or doing activities in the house that involve a lot of movement, that sorta keeps the stim-meter filled and can prevent the raking stim.

It's not really easy to do these things and break out of a negative stim loop, but considering what the alternative is... For me it's like, yeah, this is hard but if I DONT try my best at it, I'll have more scars.


That's just my own tricks though that work for me. Others here might have some other tactics that they use for their own difficult stims, whatever those may be.

Wow you made me realize something incredibly important I think. I am 99 999999 percent sure I have NEVER dug or smeared when I had my Chews! im gonna post 3 of my favorites cause I think this might help you with your nail biting habit.

Amazon.com

Amazon.com

Amazon.com

The last one is the best but I only use it at home because its too embarassing cause its for babies and the other ones I can wear under my shirt. Also I have "replacement poo" which is crunchy textured slime with deep strong fruity smell, and it does the trick if I can get it in time, that is if I remember to take it with me like I forgot to bring it with me to my friends. Im gonna wear my chew necklace all the time and try to have that slime on me to play with until my parents or caregiver can take care of me. And as far as signs that Im gonna stim I thought about it, usually if I have a 2 accident I let my caregiver or parents know right away but the times I smeared were times I got anxious and kept to myself instead. even though theyve done it my whole life Im not always in the mood to go "hey mom your fully grown son here, I just defecated my adult diaper and need assistance" like Im exxagerating a bit in how I say it but it sometimes feel so demeanings. Im wondering if I just get so overloaded with shame that I smear. I also get a high from it, I feel like a naughty kid getting away with eating all the cookies and it feels like my mind and thoughts melt away when I smear and I feel dissociated doing it. It makes it harder to stop. So I guess I should focus on prevention. I just can't believe I did it at my friend Ben's house, I only did it outside my own house 1 other time in my life which is hard to believe. Anyways thank you so much im about to go on a rant cycle if I dont stop myself haha you gave me a lot to think about.

 

[BingoBoing77]

I have no advice, as I've never been in that situation before. But you do have my sympathy.

First off, you have NT friends that you knew from school. That's one step ahead of me for a start, even though I'm level 1.

I understand that your condition can feel so undignifying and embarrassing, but just think, there are fully functioning NTs out there who actually choose to have your lifestyle. I find that embarrassing. But I don't find you embarrassing, because you didn't choose to be this way. You need diapers due to a medical condition, which I fully respect and I don't judge. Plus you're autistic. I wouldn't even mind being a caregiver to good people like yourself. I'd even offer hugs, if you wouldn't mind that is.

I'm sorry, I don't really have any advice. But you're very welcome here.

Thanks that means a lot, you would make a great caregiver.

 

[Misty Avich]

Thanks that means a lot, you would make a great caregiver.

Aw that's nice. *Virtual hugs*

 

[AuroraBorealis]

@Misery wrote a really great answer, maybe othere here can offer some helpful input.

I want to underline @Misty Avich's post that you're very welcome here. Personally, I think it's extremely brave of you to open up like that about your stim. I can imagine that many of us have stims and behaviors we find embarrassing, and talking/writing about them like that isn't something many people do.

 

[BingoBoing77]

@Misery wrote a really great answer, maybe othere here can offer some helpful input.

I want to underline @Misty Avich's post that you're very welcome here. Personally, I think it's extremely brave of you to open up like that about your stim. I can imagine that many of us have stims and behaviors we find embarrassing, and talking/writing about them like that isn't something many people do.

Thank you, sometimes I misread the situation and grossly overshare but I was honestly motivated to share this because I feel like because I excel at reading/writing for someone with my support needs, I could help out families of autistic kids/adults who can't talk and have this problem just by sharing. I really thought of that and I hope it does somehow. And yeah I have mega embarassing stims, as Im constantly moving and rocking and stimming theres bound to be some embarassing ones. One thats embarassing for me that everyone around me seems to love though is when I take a plush or something soft and rub it fast against my cheek with a big smile, I dont know why I need to smile it just helps the sensory. I used to HATE when people saw me do it but one of my friends said its the stim that lets other people know Im okay and I changed how I view it, mostly. My "cool guy" stim is just playing guitar, im limited in the scales I know but what I do know im good at if I do say so myself.

Im glad to know im welcome here too, i felt like I would be an outsider being level 2 with high support needs needing a caregiver (she says hi) but were all autistic and we all learn from each other. My internet access is somewhat limited due to guardianship reasons so having another site im allowed to access and talk to people is GREAT. Parents are strict on me not getting taken advantage of and they also dont want me to see nightmare fuel, no youtube or social media for me, its just YT Kids and forums. Oh yeah they're not being evil, there was one point where looking back I was in an "lol cow" type situation that was messing with my mental health with a group of teenagers from the next school over, yyyeeaah I was pissed I lost facebook but looking back I am so relieved my parents took it all away cause it could of gone bad. Anyways I think Im ranting now, I know its welcome here but I still rather not yap too much for now.

 

[Misty Avich]

I'm glad you did share your experiences here. You're welcome any time.