I don't like being told I can't have a Relationship

[Markness]

I’ve been told I need to be ok with myself before I can have a relationship. But the people in the partial hospitalization group I am in are in relationships and they are depressed. This is really baffling me to the point my head is spinning. Could someone please help me get my head around this?

 

[tree]

"The fact that there are couples who remain together into later life, despite the fact that one of the partners was depressed, suggests that chronic feelings of sadness in a partner do not have to spell doom for a relationship."
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...ressed-people-have-long-lasting-relationships

Spoiler: How depression can affect a relationship

How depression can affect relationships
Depression can make it difficult to maintain supportive and fulfilling relationships.

If your partner is suffering from depression, they may be so overwhelmed by their symptoms that finding the energy to communicate feels impossible.

As a partner or family member, it can be easy to find this really draining and upsetting. You might become exhausted with the effort of feeling you need to support your partner and also keeping up with running the house or looking after the rest of the family.

And in turn, the person with depression may begin to feel like a burden – as though they’re simply getting in the way and making the lives of those around them worse. They may be aware of the effects their depression is having on their relationships, but feel powerless to do anything about it. This can make them feel guilty, and lower their self-esteem even more. Relationships and depression | Relate

 

[Markness]

"The fact that there are couples who remain together into later life, despite the fact that one of the partners was depressed, suggests that chronic feelings of sadness in a partner do not have to spell doom for a relationship."
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...ressed-people-have-long-lasting-relationships

Spoiler: How depression can affect a relationship

How depression can affect relationships
Depression can make it difficult to maintain supportive and fulfilling relationships.

If your partner is suffering from depression, they may be so overwhelmed by their symptoms that finding the energy to communicate feels impossible.

As a partner or family member, it can be easy to find this really draining and upsetting. You might become exhausted with the effort of feeling you need to support your partner and also keeping up with running the house or looking after the rest of the family.

And in turn, the person with depression may begin to feel like a burden – as though they’re simply getting in the way and making the lives of those around them worse. They may be aware of the effects their depression is having on their relationships, but feel powerless to do anything about it. This can make them feel guilty, and lower their self-esteem even more. Relationships and depression | Relate

So this means I don’t have to fully rid myself of depression before I can have a relationship?

 

[Varzar]

So this means I don’t have to fully rid myself of depression before I can have a relationship?

I was probably mildly depressed and also had a great deal of anger when I met my now wife, some 22 years ago. She helped me through a lot of that and we have a very strong relationship.

I would say you mainly need to be prepared to work at the relationship. Meeting your partner's needs, and also working through your own issues. Everyone's got issues, so whoever you meet will hopefully be doing the same thing, meeting your needs, and also working on their own issues.

 

[Major Tom]

I think that is partially mumbo-jumbo, it's preached in just about any kind of therapy, psychology, AA,NA and so on. I've had depression all my life and at about 24 years old I met my wife. Sure we have our struggles because of it, but also I don't think I'd still be alive if it wasn't for meeting her.

I think the point is to stop actively looking and to focus on yourself, then ideally love just happens. If it's all you are focusing on, and you aren't being successful, it will just lead to a vicious cycle of depression.

My two best friends died when I was 19 and then 20. Within 6 months of eachother. I was absolutely freaking lost and in my own world until one day (about 5 years later) while not looking at all, I met my wife.

 

[The Pandector]

@Major Tom hits it on the head. Yes, people on the spectrum have issues that bear directly on a marriage. But I watch and often see NTs with deeply rooted patterns which only 'that special someone' could navigate. So it seems that the romantic aspect of autism doesn't differ in this regard.

Some of the most annoying typicals I've known are in enduring relationships. Yes, your relationship with yourself is a huge contributing factor to how your marriage goes. Sounds cool to advise people to get right with themselves before considering a relationship. Might work if you want to wait to marry until you're 50. Say hi to the grandkids for me.

If you're inclined to pursue a relationship, I advise you to step up. But if finding a relationship is your focus, I can only observe that this just brings angst that actually works against potential relationships. A better focus is to prepare yourself by actually becoming the person you want to be for your mystery partner. You know what they say about a watched pot.*

* Note: I'm retired now and have found that this saying is not true.

 

[ForestGumpett]

Death is what got my husband and I talking so I reckon being sad is what pushed him to seek out someone to talk too. I was losing a parent to cancer and he was losing at parent at the same time. We both had been on the same discussion forum (political - not FB or any other media) for a few years but it was death that opened the door for us to start talking. We were both single (of course) but not looking. It just happened, and it happened when we were at sad points in our life.


Best advice I’ve heard before on marriage:

BE THE PERSON YOU’D WANT TO MARRY!
~ Andy Stanley ~

 

[OkRad]

I think that is partially mumbo-jumbo, it's preached in just about any kind of therapy, psychology, AA,NA and so on. I've had depression all my life and at about 24 years old I met my wife. Sure we have our struggles because of it, but also I don't think I'd still be alive if it wasn't for meeting her.

I think the point is to stop actively looking and to focus on yourself, then ideally love just happens. If it's all you are focusing on, and you aren't being successful, it will just lead to a vicious cycle of depression.

My two best friends died when I was 19 and then 20. Within 6 months of eachother. I was absolutely freaking lost and in my own world until one day (about 5 years later) while not looking at all, I met my wife.

You would still be alive. I am depressed, dysfunctional, and have no hope of a relationship. But you get used to it. I am not about to off myself because no one wants me like that. I have family and cats And a sea of books.

 

[Fino]

Don't worry about whether or not you're qualified for a relationship. Enjoy all the wonderful and beautiful things in life and don't worry about it.

 

[Aspychata]

Depression is difficult. I work on staying
optimistic but sometimes l stumble. When l really connect to someone, l want to push them away because the closeness scares me and l feel out of control.

 

[Varzar]

When l really connect to someone, l want to push them away because the closeness scares me and l feel out of control.

I know exactly what you mean. I don't know if I want to push them away exactly, but I live in terror that at any moment the other person will decide to leave me. It sucks. Took me a long while before I got over that with my wife.

 

[Major Tom]

You would still be alive. I am depressed, dysfunctional, and have no hope of a relationship. But you get used to it. I am not about to off myself because no one wants me like that. I have family and cats And a sea of books.

I'm not so sure I would be alive. I was headed down a dark road and she made me do an abrupt U-turn and get back on track. I wasn't suicidal BTW.

I'm sorry you feel depressed and dysfunctional. I wish I could help.

 

[Au Naturel]

I’ve been told I need to be ok with myself before I can have a relationship. But the people in the partial hospitalization group I am in are in relationships and they are depressed. This is really baffling me to the point my head is spinning. Could someone please help me get my head around this?

Of course, you can be depressed and have a relationship. You can dislike who you are and have a relationship. That is completely silly psychobabble by people who don't have a clue. At one point in college, I was suicidal and an unexpected relationship pulled me out of it.

There are even a very few people out there looking for a person who doesn't have it all together to have a relationship with. Maybe they are insecure about themselves and doubt their ability to keep a strong, confident type. Maybe they have a strong nurturing instinct.

Maybe even, as Annie Lennox sang,

Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused

Alternately, maybe I like that you're broken, broken like me.

I will say that not being depressed will lead to more stable and healthier relationships.

 

[SDRSpark]

So this means I don’t have to fully rid myself of depression before I can have a relationship?

Exactly. From your other posts/threads I suspect that you definitely have relationship related issues that you need to work on, but curing your depression isn't one of them.

While curing your depression is a worthy goal, I hate to be pessimistic here but there's a possibility that it won't happen. Chronic depression is a thing. The good news is, you can have a good, fulfilling life without "curing" your depression 100% - and that life can include a long term, healthy relationship - and should, since that's important to you!

I really dislike that someone has set the bar at "you have to meet X goal before you can attempt Y" because X goal might not be attainable...but Y sure as heck is!!!

 

[Gift2humanity]

I’ve been told I need to be ok with myself before I can have a relationship. But the people in the partial hospitalization group I am in are in relationships and they are depressed. This is really baffling me to the point my head is spinning. Could someone please help me get my head around this?

Depressed people vibrate on a low frequency and attract other depressed people, hence unhealthy relationships. We need to learn to learn to vibrate on a higher frequency.
If we do, we will attract people who vibrate on a high frequency, creative loving people, if we don't these people will steer clear of us and the predatory or miserable ones will gravitate towards us.

 

[Markness]

Exactly. From your other posts/threads I suspect that you definitely have relationship related issues that you need to work on, but curing your depression isn't one of them.

While curing your depression is a worthy goal, I hate to be pessimistic here but there's a possibility that it won't happen. Chronic depression is a thing. The good news is, you can have a good, fulfilling life without "curing" your depression 100% - and that life can include a long term, healthy relationship - and should, since that's important to you!

I really dislike that someone has set the bar at "you have to meet X goal before you can attempt Y" because X goal might not be attainable...but Y sure as heck is!!!

Could you please point out what those issues are?

I can understand constantly talking about what makes one sad being unappealing but totally getting rid of the depression before even thinking about getting a relationship? That sounds unrealistic, especially since loneliness is the root of why I feel the way I do. I don’t see the problem in not telling my partner I have depression until we got to know each other well and have a strong bond.

 

[SDRSpark]

Could you please point out what those issues are?

I honestly can't because though I remember you making multiple threads about relationship difficulties and discussing them with your therapist, I didn't make a specific note of what the issues are.

I can understand constantly talking about what makes one sad being unappealing but totally getting rid of the depression before even thinking about getting a relationship? That sounds unrealistic, especially since loneliness is the root of why I feel the way I do. I don’t see the problem in not telling my partner I have depression until we got to know each other well and have a strong bond.

I agree with you.

 

[Aspychata]

Could you please point out what those issues are?

I can understand constantly talking about what makes one sad being unappealing but totally getting rid of the depression before even thinking about getting a relationship? That sounds unrealistic, especially since loneliness is the root of why I feel the way I do. I don’t see the problem in not telling my partner I have depression until we got to know each other well and have a strong bond.

I don't think you have been in enough relationships to have issues. I think you are new in that area as many of us are in our younger years. Relationships can be hard to figure out at any age. Think after 10 more years, you will have more of a grip about who you are, and what you are looking for.

Or you might not know what you want but then you meet someone who just surprises you and really shakes your world up and opens your eyes. It's like Discovery Channel.

 

[Markness]

I don't think you have been in enough relationships to have issues. I think you are new in that area as many of us are in our younger years. Relationships can be hard to figure out at any age. Think after 10 more years, you will have more of a grip about who you are, and what you are looking for.

Or you might not know what you want but then you meet someone who just surprises you and really shakes your world up and opens your eyes. It's like Discovery Channel.

I actually know what I would like in a partner. I want a woman who is nerdy/geeky and shares common interests with me. It doesn’t have to be everything, just enough.

 

[Aspychata]

Great then try going to those type of websites and look for anything your area that might bring out that type! The fact that u use the word partner is also very mature of you. So maybe try to check out any free coding classes around you, any conventions, those bring out lots of people too. Coffee shops bring out geeks alot.

This great to hear, you have ideas of what you like so now you know where to pursue woman with interests like you.