I Don't Understand NT :(

[Zhantera]

I do NOT understand neurotypical people at all, apparently. So let me preface this post by saying that I am a very minimally speaking, level 3 autistic. I also am a nasm certified personal trainer, group trainer and nutrition coach. I did own a business, focusing on disabled people, online video format.

I quit training others back in 2018 due to a car accident resulting in a tbi, torn labrum, disc issues and piriformis injury that took 3 years of pt. So in any case, I belong to a group fitness group on fb. Our trainer is great, I much enjoy it. I am thoroughly happy to take a back seat and be a trainee.

But so today, one lady was very upset that no one had offered to be her mentor or help her out. In this group, members who have lost weight can be mentors to others. I've lost over 80 lbs on my own journey. Now because I'm mostly nonspeaking, I cannot pm/dm (not even here, I only function as group) but I did offer my support to her if we found a small group wanting mentorship. I do still maintain my coach certifications, so legally, I am more than able to do this.

But all of the sudden, this woman deletes everything, leaves the group and I look stupid. And I have no idea what I did wrong. Or if i did anything wrong. I'm not asking you all to decide that, either. All I'm saying is....why? why do they say something if they don't truly want it??? agghhhhhh. I don't get it at all. I've been told that I am too direct when I do speak. But why are they so indirect?? blah. Why don't neurotypicals just say what they want?

I'm totally frustrated and embarrassed. It takes a lot for me to speak up, even online, and i really tried to make this woman feel supported. And now i feel like I totally missed the bus. Does this ever get better? Do we ever get to where we understand neurotypical people?

I'm just so tired of life feeling like one misunderstanding after another. How do I start to understand them? I feel like I'm speaking some other language. I don't know what they want.

 

[Darkkin]

Sounds like you encountered the species known as 'The Karen'. Meaning she got huffy because she didn't get what she thought she needed fast enough to suit her. Her issue, not yours. It wasn't your communication that was at fault; it was her patience.

And reading through your post, your communicate very clearly in written formats. I work frontside at a bookshop, so I've encountered a Karen or two in my time. One did me the honour of telling me I ruined Christmas because we were out of a super in demand book two days before Christmas.

Be proud of all you have achieved. That takes character and strength to do. With Karens, NTs in general, they don't make much sense.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I have also known NTs to agree with things and then just leave you hanging

 

[Misery]

I have also known NTs to agree with things and then just leave you hanging

Aye, same here.

Or they do something like tell you everything is fine, we're good, nothing is wrong, and then you never hear from them again.

Very... frustrating.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

...and there are those that truly do speak in "indirect language" by speaking in questions instead of being direct with what they want. Generally speaking women tend to do this more than men,...I work with a staff of 95-98% females,...but I've had male co-workers throw me off with this behavior, as well. Many neurotypicals have this sense that being indirect is somehow more polite/less rude and non-confrontational. But for folks that do not understand all the "run around" it just confuses us. For years, I've had to tell my own wife to stop asking me questions when what she really wants is to have me do something. Examples: Wife: "The floors look a bit dirty, don't you think?" Me: "A little bit". Wife: "Do we have any floor cleaner in the cabinet?" Me: "I don't know." Wife, a bit later: "How long are you going to read?" Me: "I don't know." Wife, later, now a bit irritated: "Can you help me?" Me: "Sure. What with?" Wife: "I asked you to clean the floors." Me, now confused: "When?" Wife, now really irritated: "I've been asking you to help me and all you do is sit and read!" Me: "Clearly, at no point, did you specifically say, help me with the housework or to clean the floors. You were asking me questions."

So, just an example of how indirect communication, really isn't the best approach with someone who doesn't understand it. Don't give me hints. Don't keep firing away with a barrage of questions in hopes I will come up with the answer or conclusion you want. Just say it in one frick'n sentence. "Clean the floors." I don't mind directness, I don't see it as rude, and frankly, I prefer the simplicity of it.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Hello @Zhantera

I will share my view, hope it helps:

....this woman deletes everything, leaves the group and I look stupid.

This is wrong and ilogic. I dont look stupid because of others mistakes, neither do you.

And I have no idea what I did wrong.

Again wrong and ilogic. Thinking that what she did was because of something you did is an assumtion and also assumes that you are the responsible of her behavour, what is wrong. And on top of that you assume that you should have done something "in a rigth way" so that person could have behaved "properly". Wrong.

You are responsible of the actions of one only human being on earth, and that is yourself.

I'm not asking you all to decide that, either. All I'm saying is....why? why do they say something if they don't truly want it??? agghhhhhh. I don't get it at all. I've been told that I am too direct when I do speak. But why are they so indirect?? blah. Why don't neurotypicals just say what they want?

Because they would be autists and not NT. Easy question.

I'm totally frustrated and embarrassed. It takes a lot for me to speak up, even online, and i really tried to make this woman feel supported. And now i feel like I totally missed the bus. Does this ever get better? Do we ever get to where we understand neurotypical people?

It is possible with much study and passion (and hours) to become better at playing their "game" and "masking", but is not easy and does not work at 100% for any of us. For a level 3 I would not even suggest that.

I'm just so tired of life feeling like one misunderstanding after another. How do I start to understand them? I feel like I'm speaking some other language. I don't know what they want.

And now we get to the core of the thread: "Please could you help me to understand NT?"

If you want to understand NT for your work, I would use the same tactic IT engineers use. Get one person to do the coding and another person to be sure what the cient really wants.

In your case this is to find someone with better social skills to do the part of talking, laugthing, listening, making jokes, etc with clients so they feel important and you do the technical part. This thing is done in almot every company in the world. They have sellers who make the social stuff and they have engineers who do the technical stuff.

On the other hand, if you want to understand NT because that is your passion and dream of doing that (probably not the case) you can start with this book:

• How to make friends and influence others.

As a general rule: After venting, crying, feeling guilty, etc... its better to focus on what you can do. Focusing on what you cant do leads to depression.

Hope some of this wall of text may help you.

 

[Aspychata]

I have decided that some NT's don't wished to be understood. You get to the bottom of the crackerjack box, and surprise, there is nothing at the bottom. Not even those little mini books they put inside. You are looking and looking, but the box is empty.

 

[Misery]

I have decided that some NT's don't wished to be understood. You get to the bottom of the crackerjack box, and surprise, there is nothing at the bottom. Not even those little mini books they put inside. You are looking and looking, but the box is empty.

Not always empty, sometimes it's full of spiders.

 

[Callistemon]

If it's directness you want from NTs, go holiday in Germany!

 

[SimonSays]

Examples: Wife: "The floors look a bit dirty, don't you think?" Me: "A little bit". Wife: "Do we have any floor cleaner in the cabinet?" Me: "I don't know." Wife, a bit later: "How long are you going to read?" Me: "I don't know." Wife, later, now a bit irritated: "Can you help me?" Me: "Sure. What with?" Wife: "I asked you to clean the floors." Me, now confused: "When?" Wife, now really irritated: "I've been asking you to help me and all you do is sit and read!" Me: "Clearly, at no point, did you specifically say, help me with the housework or to clean the floors. You were asking me questions."

Nothing wrong with her opening statement/question. Once you agree they do look dirty, that was the moment to ask if you'd mind giving them a clean. Maybe not tell you to clean them like she's giving you an order. I know you say you're ok with her doing that, but if she just asks if you mind cleaning them rather than go to... is there enough floor cleaner, etc, you are both on the same page.

Great example.

 

[Forest Cat]

If it's directness you want from NTs, go holiday in Germany!

This is accurate If you really want to hear the truth,
ask a German. They have the offenheit.

 

[AprilR]

How that woman acted was completely illogical and rude. You have no reason to feel bad, although i understand feelings don't listen to reason. Just know that you didn't do anything wrong, the problem is with her.

People who let their own immaturity/overemotionalism influence how they behave is very common.

 

[Judge]

If it's directness you want from NTs, go holiday in Germany!

Excellent point. When it comes to so many aspects of nonverbal communication, it isn't exclusive to neurological differences, but also cultural differences. And then of course, you can never discount the possibility of individual personalities in play as well.

There's a lot of factors that can make it difficult and frustrating to understand the intent and meaning of others. Enough at times to make our heads spin!

8 Nonverbal Communication Differences Between Cultures

How the Finnish survive without small talk

What Brits say vs what they actually mean

Cultural differences: saying “no” in India – how to read between the lines

Chinese Culture

 

[Zhantera]

Hello @Zhantera

I will share my view, hope it helps:
Ah. Thank you. you are wonderfully helpful.


This is wrong and ilogic. I dont look stupid because of others mistakes, neither do you.



Again wrong and ilogic. Thinking that what she did was because of something you did is an assumtion and also assumes that you are the responsible of her behavour, what is wrong. And on top of that you assume that you should have done something "in a rigth way" so that person could have behaved "properly". Wrong.

You are responsible of the actions of one only human being on earth, and that is yourself.



Because they would be autists and not NT. Easy question.



It is possible with much study and passion (and hours) to become better at playing their "game" and "masking", but is not easy and does not work at 100% for any of us. For a level 3 I would not even suggest that.



And now we get to the core of the thread: "Please could you help me to understand NT?"

If you want to understand NT for your work, I would use the same tactic IT engineers use. Get one person to do the coding and another person to be sure what the cient really wants.

In your case this is to find someone with better social skills to do the part of talking, laugthing, listening, making jokes, etc with clients so they feel important and you do the technical part. This thing is done in almot every company in the world. They have sellers who make the social stuff and they have engineers who do the technical stuff.

On the other hand, if you want to understand NT because that is your passion and dream of doing that (probably not the case) you can start with this book:

• How to make friends and influence others.

As a general rule: After venting, crying, feeling guilty, etc... its better to focus on what you can do. Focusing on what you cant do leads to depression.

Hope some of this wall of text may help you.

 

[Zhantera]

This is accurate If you really want to hear the truth,
ask a German. They have the offenheit.

LOL! I am German. I know alllllll about this. When my grandmother came to this country, they made her shorten her last name, because it was "too German." lolol

Edit: in case you're wondering, the original name was Schottenberger. they made her shorten it to just Schotten.

 

[Forest Cat]

LOL! I am German. I know alllllll about this. When my grandmother came to this country, they made her shorten her last name, because it was "too German." lolol

Oh you're German lol So I don't have to tell you about the offenheit. Have you heard the joke about the Norwegian who told the German about offenheit and German culture?

 

[Zhantera]

Oh you're German lol So I don't have to tell you about the offenheit. Have you heard the joke about the Norwegian who told the German about offenheit and German culture?

oh No Do tell! Although...I am a huge lover of Norwegian culture as well lol.

 

[Forest Cat]

oh No Do tell!

First he tried to teach the German about German stuff and then he felt silly. I didn't know you were German.

 

[Autisticool]

OP, you absolutely did NOTHING wrong. I've had the same experience: NTs suddenly backing out after showing interest in something, or sending mixed signals. Just because WE don't always get subtle signals, doesn't mean that NTs can't be LOUSY at giving signals.

By the way I used to be certified as a personal trainer!

 

[Autisticool]

I also am a nasm certified personal trainer, group trainer and nutrition coach. I did own a business, focusing on disabled people, online video format.

Can you PM me? I want to correspond with you about your personal training and fitness background. It's not common for an autistic person to be a CPT or fitness instructor. I've researched this and came up with only a few, though I'd gather that there are autistic trainers who don't know they're autistic. When I was a trainer I had NO idea that I was autistic. I knew I was "different," and I knew that people thought I was strange and rude, but ASD totally escaped my radar back then.