I don’t understand people around me

[Bosko]

You all know the whole autistic people don’t have empathy thing? Sometimes I feel like it’s true for me. People get upset at me for not understanding them or their emotions. I really don’t relate to anyone and I don’t pretend to care. People call me a psychopath but I don’t think of myself like that. I can stop being charming whenever I want. But I’m not reckless or impulsive. I’ve been called emotionally and mentally dull. The only person I can even slightly relate to are my siblings because I’ve known them all my life.

 

[Outdated]

Hi Bosko, I always had strong empathy, I think a lot of autistic people do. A lot of people don't understand that just because I empathize doesn't mean I sympathize. Often in fact quite the opposite, I could understand exactly how many other people felt and I found their feelings towards me quite offensive.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

That not understanding people thing is common for many of us. If you approach it like a special interest you can learn the basics of social communication and body language. This is a developmental delay and some of us have managed to mature socially What happened to me was that I am observant, I did not know I was ASD, and didn't understand why I was missing out on the social that I saw my peers navigate so easily. So, I started telling myself lies trying to make sense of my feelings. I told myself that I was broken, unnoticed, ugly, undesirable. That led to isolation and eventually PTSD. Please avoid this! If you need assistance navigating the social mileau, please ask for help.

I had to learn to be social by myself. I started enjoying who I am and my interests at 25 and joined hiking bicycling and canoeing groups to practice being social and feed my interests. Soon I had my first date, ever and was enjoying life and my research contributions..

 

[Suzanne]

I have been accused of by my husband for lacking empathy, due to the fact, that when someone is suffering or has died, my immediate reaction does tend to be practical ie well, the solution is open to the ill one or well, they are now in our Creator's memory. However, after that, I become proactive ie contacting the ill one via text and even crying due to the one who has passed away.

My husband, however, reacts immediately and then, gets on with life.

That, to my mind, is the difference between empathy and sympathy. I am very empathetic; but lousy with sympathy.

 

[Luca]

I’ve mentioned many times on here that I feel empathy too strongly. Sometimes to the point that I get so angry about people being mean and horrible that I almost feel less empathetic towards the general population. But that feeling doesn’t last long and I end up caring too much again.

I wish I could stop feeling empathy and sympathy for people close to me who hurt me, and just let them go. I’ve had to do this a few times recently and it just breaks my heart, even if I know they are not a nice person.

 

[Au Naturel]

I have been accused of by my husband for lacking empathy, due to the fact, that when someone is suffering or has died, my immediate reaction does tend to be practical ie well, the solution is open to the ill one or well, they are now in our Creator's memory. However, after that, I become proactive ie contacting the ill one via text and even crying due to the one who has passed away.

My husband, however, reacts immediately and then, gets on with life.

That, to my mind, is the difference between empathy and sympathy. I am very empathetic; but lousy with sympathy.

The ancient Greeks placed a high value on empathy but held sympathy in disregard.

Sympathy (which comes from the Greek sym, meaning "together," and pathos, referring to feelings or emotion) is used when one person shares the feelings of another; an example is when one experiences sadness when someone close is experiencing grief or loss. Empathy is also related to pathos. It differs from sympathy in carrying an implication of greater emotional distance. With empathy, you can imagine or understand how someone might feel, without necessarily having those feelings yourself.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/sympathy-empathy-difference

 

[Progster]

Usually when non-autistic people tell us that we don't have empathy, it's because we failed to pick up on some social cue, not because we genuinely don't have empathy. If you look round this forum, you'll see plenty of empathy.

Also, I think it's possible to not be able to relate to someone in a general sense, and yet feel empathy in a particular situation. I know a lot of people who are very different to me who I can't relate to at all, and yet, if they suffer misfortune or hurt, I can feel empathy towards them.

Edited for clarification.

 

[Matthias]

A lack of empathy could be due to autism or childhood emotional neglect.

Did your parents pay attention to your emotional state to help you understand how you were feeling, teach you how to regulate your emotions, express warm, positive affection toward you to help you feel loved and accepted, and help you deal with problems in an emotionally mature way? If you parents didn't adequately meet those needs, the term for that is emotional neglect. Fortunately, it's treatable. Treatment can help you get in touch with your emotions and understand how you are feeling which can increase your empathy and improve your relationships.

 

[Au Naturel]

A lack of empathy could be due to autism or childhood emotional neglect.

Did your parents pay attention to your emotional state to help you understand how you were feeling, teach you how to regulate your emotions, express warm, positive affection toward you to help you feel loved and accepted, and help you deal with problems in an emotionally mature way? If you parents didn't adequately meet those needs, the term for that is emotional neglect. Fortunately, it's treatable. Treatment can help you get in touch with your emotions and understand how you are feeling which can increase your empathy and improve your relationships.

Empathy can also have a genetic basis.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

https://embrace-autism.com/the-different-types-of-empathy/
There are different types of empathy.

 

[Matthias]

Empathy can also have a genetic basis.

Perhaps. Do you have any evidence a lack of empathy can be genetic?

Do you know anyone with little empathy who had warm, positive, emotionally intelligent parents who took the time to get to know and understand their children?

 

[Au Naturel]

Perhaps. Do you have any evidence a lack of empathy can be genetic?

Do you know anyone with little empathy who had warm, positive, emotionally intelligent parents who took the time to get to know and understand their children?

That's not a good measure. The people I know are a small group. Then there are all the biases I would bring to the observation relative to what my definition of empathy is and relative to what constitutes "warm, positive, emotionally intelligent."

Of course, if you had warm, positive, emotionally intelligent parents and turned out that way yourself, it's meaningless. Could be nurture, could be nature, could be a lucky die roll. No individual observations are worth much in this kind of analysis. And if we see a pair of warm, positive, emotionally intelligent parents and they have a kid that turns out different, that doesn't mean much either. In fact, I suspect that parents who qualify for that description are pretty damned rare.

OTOH, I did find this:

https://blog.23andme.com/23andme-research/the-genetics-of-empathy/

 

[Bosko]

You all know the whole autistic people don’t have empathy thing? Sometimes I feel like it’s true for me. People get upset at me for not understanding them or their emotions. I really don’t relate to anyone and I don’t pretend to care. People call me a psychopath but I don’t think of myself like that. I can stop being charming whenever I want. But I’m not reckless or impulsive. I’ve been called emotionally and mentally dull. The only person I can even slightly relate to are my siblings because I’ve known them all my life.

I also just really can’t find a reason to feel the pain and suffering of random people on the internet. I’ll give them advice but it doesn’t affect me or anyone I know personally.

This also has to do with how misunderstood people with psychopathy disorder are.

 

[Matthias]

That's not a good measure. The people I know are a small group. Then there are all the biases I would bring to the observation relative to what my definition of empathy is and relative to what constitutes "warm, positive, emotionally intelligent."

Of course, if you had warm, positive, emotionally intelligent parents and turned out that way yourself, it's meaningless. Could be nurture, could be nature, could be a lucky die roll. No individual observations are worth much in this kind of analysis. And if we see a pair of warm, positive, emotionally intelligent parents and they have a kid that turns out different, that doesn't mean much either. In fact, I suspect that parents who qualify for that description are pretty damned rare.

OTOH, I did find this:

https://blog.23andme.com/23andme-research/the-genetics-of-empathy/

I really hate the idea that people are too stupid/biased to make meaningful observations of the world around them. Most people I talk to can see clear links between parenting and emotional problems in their children. It wasn't long ago that everyone recognized this. I wish this obsession with "science" would end because I think the world would be a much better place if people started using their brains again.

I checked out the study. It looks like it's just a correlation. As I've been told many times, correlation is not causation! Since these studies can't demonstrate anything, I will rely on my observation and those of people around me which I consider to be more scientific.

 

[Au Naturel]

I really hate the idea that people are too stupid/biased to make meaningful observations of the world around them. Most people I talk to can see clear links between parenting and emotional problems in their children. It wasn't long ago that everyone recognized this. I wish this obsession with "science" would end because I think the world would be a much better place if people started using their brains again.

I checked out the study. It looks like it's just a correlation. As I've been told many times, correlation is not causation! Since these studies can't demonstrate anything, I will rely on my observation and those of people around me which I consider to be more scientific.

Science is based on the notion that individual opinion is not terribly reliable in determining truth. The DNA from one strand of hair is better evidence than a dozen eye witnesses who will all give different - and sometimes dramatically different versions of what happened.

Every day I see evidence that the average human is not interested in using their brain. I see people clustering in their sociopolitical bubbles and lining up behind their favorite influencers. It is easier to let someone else's brain take over. It doubly saddens me when I even see scientists abandoning objectivity for advocacy for money or politics. It shows in the amount of junk science for fun and profit. It shows in shoddy science that is for a "good" cause.

Our brains are beautifully adapted to survival in a tightly knit tribe living in a wilderness. Those tools aren't a good match for the world we live in today and the internet just made it much worse. Humans are very bad about looking at coincidence or correlation and assuming causality. Once the assumption is made we don't let conflicting evidence shake our belief. Can't admit we were wrong. We can get stubborn enough that it turns into a quasi-religion.

 

[Matthias]

Science is based on the notion that individual opinion is not terribly reliable in determining truth.

If qualified scientists conducted studies, I think they'd find the reliability of individual opinions vary greatly depending on the person. I think they'd find the opinions and observations of emotional thinkers to be mostly unreliable (since emotions impair the ability to think logically) but find the opinions and observations of people who think rationally and objectively to be fairly reliable.

The DNA from one strand of hair is better evidence than a dozen eye witnesses who will all give different - and sometimes dramatically different versions of what happened.

I'd say DNA is superor in some contexts while eye witness accounts are superior in other contexts. I think eye witness account are usually reliable except when it comes to many crimes due to the emotions involved and people being distracted by something else when crimes occur quickly.

Every day I see evidence that the average human is not interested in using their brain. I see people clustering in their sociopolitical bubbles and lining up behind their favorite influencers. It is easier to let someone else's brain take over. It doubly saddens me when I even see scientists abandoning objectivity for advocacy for money or politics. It shows in the amount of junk science for fun and profit. It shows in shoddy science that is for a "good" cause.

Our brains are beautifully adapted to survival in a tightly knit tribe living in a wilderness. Those tools aren't a good match for the world we live in today and the internet just made it much worse. Humans are very bad about looking at coincidence or correlation and assuming causality. Once the assumption is made we don't let conflicting evidence shake our belief. Can't admit we were wrong. We can get stubborn enough that it turns into a quasi-religion.

I agree that's true for many people but not everyone.

 

[paloftoon]

Being able to empathize is important to communicate with others. Part of this is understanding what the other person is saying and being able to listen. People usually don't want an answer and if they do, you should tell them you're not an expert on said topic (even if you actually are.) If someone is saying something, let them say it all out and try to listen. Then, just say you are unable to relate to what they are going through, but you're sorry for this situation and that you hope it all somehow resolves itself smoothly.
I think you should pretend to care in this case. While it's selfish for people who aren't friends with you to share such details, it's also human.

 

[Bosko]

A lack of empathy could be due to autism or childhood emotional neglect.

Did your parents pay attention to your emotional state to help you understand how you were feeling, teach you how to regulate your emotions, express warm, positive affection toward you to help you feel loved and accepted, and help you deal with problems in an emotionally mature way? If you parents didn't adequately meet those needs, the term for that is emotional neglect. Fortunately, it's treatable. Treatment can help you get in touch with your emotions and understand how you are feeling which can increase your empathy and improve your relationships.

My mum told me I was completely useless and my opinions and feelings were irrelevant. My dad grew up in a very toxic family and environment. He was always told «boys don’t cry» and that he was a sissy if he voiced his own problems, emotions and thoughts. Get my autism form my dad and I love him with all of my heart. But he wasn’t very good at understanding how we felt and how to make it better. Also probably doesn’t help I am a female so it was a little bit more difficult for him to relate to me than my brothers maybe. He tried his absolute best and my mum didn’t care about me