I feel like screaming

[Kaira Aitken]

My dad says things like I'm only using my autism as an excuse for laziness.

I feel unmotivated to get a job because he tells me things like:

Oh you can't do that job because you don't have the motor skills
Oh you can't do that job because you don't have the social skills

Then he says "why don't you prove me wrong? That's why I'm telling you you can't do something" so you can prove me wrong.

He always has a reason for why I can't do something that PAYS ME MONEY and will HELP ME ESCAPE HIM. Oh you can't do (insert thing that will give me a sense of independence here) because you have (insert something related to my autism here)

But if it's volunteer work, if it's university, if it's something that gives me NO money for independence or escaping his controlling and abusive tendencies, he's very supportive about it.

He wants me to do a creative writing course. He's willing to pay $450 for me to do a creative writing course, that will give me literally no money and no real skills for a job. Unless it's being a writer and that's a hit and miss job.

But he's not willing to give me $450 as a reward for job hunting, and facing my social anxiety and social struggles with the job interview?

Like I would be more motivated to get through my social anxiety and my bad beliefs like:

They'll fire me right away
They won't accept me
The job interview seems hard, they will ask me open ended questions I hate

I'd be more motivated to force myself past those beliefs, if he was willing to pay me $450 as a reward:

Like hey I will give you $450 if you can get at least ten job interviews and complete them successfully.

Before you say why should he pay you?

Listen my dudes. He's willing to pay $450 for me to do a course that does NOTHING for me. That gives me no independence, no freedom, no money, no step in the right direction.

When he could give me a $450 reward for job hunting and job interviews instead?

I know I sound like a ranting paranoid. But I've held this in for too long.

Because he seems really supportive and willing to spend a lot of money on "time passers" but when it comes to things that could actually get me money, he says things like you can't do that, and he's not as supportive or as generous with his time when it comes to things that could actually pay me and get me away from his abuse.

I swear I'm not being paranoid.

 

[Misery]

Just to play devil's advocate a bit:

Using the example that you gave: A creative writing course COULD get you somewhere. Note that "writer" does not instantly mean "writes novels". It can indeed mean an actual, proper job working for a company. LOTS of places need writers. Things like writing about the news, or articles about specific subjects/hobbies, or even doing something like helping write the script to a play or something, there's a million different possibilities. Nobody likes a stale/boring writer in any of those positions, so learning to be creative and varied, no matter what the topic, is a big help.

What I'm saying here is, alot of things can present WAY more possibilities to you than they might seem at first. Even if your father is being a total jerk about it... it's not actually a bad suggestion. And I tell you this, it'd sure as heck be alot better than something like working at the endless hell that is Walmart or whatever.

The important thing though, if you're going to take classes, is to examine the given class... and the school itself... carefully before making a decision. You want to be sure that they'll actually give what it is that they offer, in a way that you can learn from properly. This is all regardless of the chosen subject.


Now, that being said... have you confronted him about any of this? Like telling him that his words are specifically demotivating you?

I will say one other thing: Job interviews arent as hard as they might look. They really arent. Learn about the job before interviewing (ALWAYS make sure you know what you're getting into before you dive in), and once you're in there, simply tell the interviewer whatever it is they want to hear. And of course be polite. Most interviews are actually pretty short and over with quickly. And if you dont get the job? You'll have learned something about the process for the next attempt.

And also, if you dont get a job you interview for... it doesnt mean you're inferior or something. It could be, for instance, that the job needs some specific skill or knowledge you didnt anticipate and dont have. Like, say, working at Best Buy, and you find out that they expect you to be really knowledgeable about the products in the section of the store they'd put you in. It's totally understandable if you dont realize that sort of thing, like maybe you originally thought it was a basic cashiering sort of thing. Or it could be scheduling conflicts or who knows what. It's nothing bad against you if you dont win the job.

The important thing is that you dont give up. You'll learn as you go, and you'll get something sooner or later, and your chances of success will continue to rise with more and more experience being interviewed. But you cant do any of it by just worrying about it constantly. It's the sort of thing where you just have to say "screw it" and jump on in.

Good luck to you!

 

[Nervous Rex]

Ignore your father. Do it anyway.

 

[Kaira Aitken]

Just to play devil's advocate a bit:

Using the example that you gave: A creative writing course COULD get you somewhere. Note that "writer" does not instantly mean "writes novels". It can indeed mean an actual, proper job working for a company. LOTS of places need writers. Things like writing about the news, or articles about specific subjects/hobbies, or even doing something like helping write the script to a play or something, there's a million different possibilities. Nobody likes a stale/boring writer in any of those positions, so learning to be creative and varied, no matter what the topic, is a big help.

What I'm saying here is, alot of things can present WAY more possibilities to you than they might seem at first. Even if your father is being a total jerk about it... it's not actually a bad suggestion. And I tell you this, it'd sure as heck be alot better than something like working at the endless hell that is Walmart or whatever.

The important thing though, if you're going to take classes, is to examine the given class... and the school itself... carefully before making a decision. You want to be sure that they'll actually give what it is that they offer, in a way that you can learn from properly. This is all regardless of the chosen subject.


Now, that being said... have you confronted him about any of this? Like telling him that his words are specifically demotivating you?

I will say one other thing: Job interviews arent as hard as they might look. They really arent. Learn about the job before interviewing (ALWAYS make sure you know what you're getting into before you dive in), and once you're in there, simply tell the interviewer whatever it is they want to hear. And of course be polite. Most interviews are actually pretty short and over with quickly. And if you dont get the job? You'll have learned something about the process for the next attempt.

And also, if you dont get a job you interview for... it doesnt mean you're inferior or something. It could be, for instance, that the job needs some specific skill or knowledge you didnt anticipate and dont have. Like, say, working at Best Buy, and you find out that they expect you to be really knowledgeable about the products in the section of the store they'd put you in. It's totally understandable if you dont realize that sort of thing, like maybe you originally thought it was a basic cashiering sort of thing. Or it could be scheduling conflicts or who knows what. It's nothing bad against you if you dont win the job.

The important thing is that you dont give up. You'll learn as you go, and you'll get something sooner or later, and your chances of success will continue to rise with more and more experience being interviewed. But you cant do any of it by just worrying about it constantly. It's the sort of thing where you just have to say "screw it" and jump on in.

Good luck to you!

I took your advice about explaining how it felt to me. I didn't tell him everything I wrote in this post. I just told him, it's not fair your willing to pay $450 for a creative writing course that I don't feel will take me any closer to a job. But you aren't willing to pay me $450 for doing ten successful job interviews, and for me to use the $450 as a reward motivator to push past my lack of motivation and lack of self-belief.

His response was: "That is the most constructive thing you've said to me . Okay, if you can do ten job interviews and get through them. (You don't have to get a job. You just need to get the job interviews and complete them successfully) I will give you your $450.

Thank you for suggesting I tell him. This is the most supported I have ever felt by him, and I am a lot more motivated knowing even if I "lose" the job interviews, I will still "win" the money.

He still is abusive (it's not related to my autism. He just gets abusive on occasion when he's drunk) 99% of the time he's nice.

But he's accomodating for my autism when it comes to job searching now, by appealing to my reward driven mind.

 

[Suzanne]

Using pyschology here, I propose that he actually does not want you to go out and work, because he is afraid of LOSING YOU and so, far better to give you a huge lump of money to learn skills that means you HAVE TO STAY HOME.

I understand so well the "feel like screaming". Where the appears no logic to the behaviour.

 

[SusanLR]

Using pyschology here, I propose that he actually does not want you to go out and work, because he is afraid of LOSING YOU and so, far better to give you a huge lump of money to learn skills that means you HAVE TO STAY HOME

My thoughts also when I read your post.
A lot of parents don't want their kids to leave them as they need them for help.
Financially, emotionally, or as someone to help at home.

My Grandfather had eight kids and treated them all the same.
Don't get an education, don't get married, don't leave me.
He was poor and lived in the country. The boys were good farm hands and the
girls cooked and kept house.
He also was prone to a bit of drinking and truly was physically abusive though.

 

[Misery]

I took your advice about explaining how it felt to me. I didn't tell him everything I wrote in this post. I just told him, it's not fair your willing to pay $450 for a creative writing course that I don't feel will take me any closer to a job. But you aren't willing to pay me $450 for doing ten successful job interviews, and for me to use the $450 as a reward motivator to push past my lack of motivation and lack of self-belief.

His response was: "That is the most constructive thing you've said to me . Okay, if you can do ten job interviews and get through them. (You don't have to get a job. You just need to get the job interviews and complete them successfully) I will give you your $450.

Thank you for suggesting I tell him. This is the most supported I have ever felt by him, and I am a lot more motivated knowing even if I "lose" the job interviews, I will still "win" the money.

He still is abusive (it's not related to my autism. He just gets abusive on occasion when he's drunk) 99% of the time he's nice.

But he's accomodating for my autism when it comes to job searching now, by appealing to my reward driven mind.

Well, that was... quick. I gotta say, I applaud the determination and confidence you have to just dive into a conversation like that one so quickly. Something I"ve always had trouble with.

Good luck with the search, then. Do you have any ideas as to what sorts of jobs you're after?

 

[Progster]

Often writing down thoughts and feelings can be a much more effective means of communication than talking, and can really help clear up misunderstandings.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Why don't you ask him to if he'd be willing to pay $450 for an agency who looks for jobs for people with disabilities? There should be some in your area who do it. I'm fact in that boat right now. The one I'm in though is affectively a charity as they're funded by the National Lottery, the EU and the government.

I agree though there's no rhyme or reason to his logic.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

He's just not your average feminine boomer, that's all.

Real guys are jerks and will do everything possible to piss you off until deal with it in a diplomatic manner. These are skills you are going to need because I guarantee the ladies at HR are going to be 10x more vicious and dense than your father.

 

[LearnedCoward]

My dad says things like I'm only using my autism as an excuse for laziness.

I feel unmotivated to get a job because he tells me things like:

Oh you can't do that job because you don't have the motor skills
Oh you can't do that job because you don't have the social skills

LOL, you never can win with some people.

If you have no job, it's because you're using your autism as an excuse for laziness, but you shouldn't try to find a job because your autism would prevent you from doing that job :/ That's silly.

Besides, I've had a lot of jobs that were a bad fit for me on paper, but I've done really well at. If I enjoy the job, I will step up and do it, regardless of whether or not it fits in with my natural abilities.

But he's accomodating for my autism when it comes to job searching now, by appealing to my reward driven mind.

I'm glad! Good luck with your job search.

He's just not your average feminine boomer, that's all.

Real guys are jerks and will do everything possible to piss you off until deal with it in a diplomatic manner. These are skills you are going to need because I guarantee the ladies at HR are going to be 10x more vicious and dense than your father.

That's kinda weird. If he's not "your average feminine boomer" what is he? A Korean War vet?

I can't comment about what "real guys" are like, everybody is a bit of a jerk in different ways. Even fake guys are real jerks. It's an important life skill to learn how to not suffer jerks though, and how to deal with them constructively. The more experience you can get here, the better.

 

[OkRad]

Can you go through Voc Rehab? They will help you to get a job and keep it. They will even pay for gas, training, and all things related to your goal. Maybe they can help?

 

[Graphin]

Don't let him control you like that!
Glad that you talked up, now use your oppertunity. In a normal family money "trading" like that seems really bad to me.
My father would've quickly pulled out some bad excuse taking the money after I got it.

If he is actually trying to keep and control you, it can't get better. I recommend to read up on narcissistic parents, even if it isn't the case for you it's good to know, I and others affected by it also thought that parents were nice for most of the time, lying to ourselves that it's not as bad as we think it is. No amounts of money is worth any kind of slavery over you, even emotional slavery.

 

[Myway]

He doesn’t sound very good. Ignore him. He shouldn’t try things like that.