I feel shame

[dark cloud]

Sorry again for my poor English and i hope to not offend anyone.

I feel shameful, guilty. fake and ridiculous for saying this.
As i said i had sexual shame since very little. I spent my teen years being very shameful and guilty about sex. I didn't want any male to view me sexually in any way so i suppressed my femininity and my sex drive a lot. I was afraid of being raped and i was careful with what clothes i choose to wear. I dressed like a boy covering my breasts with wide clothes and i always had my hair as ponytail, i couldn't let them down even it was long, i couldn't because i was very shameful and started crying.

Other people back then told me to be more pretty, more feminine but i just couldn't, when i was even a little bit feminine i would feel all the eyes of others on me thinking sexual about me and that would be my fault.

I needed a boy or a man to like me and fall in love with me but i felt guilty for wanting it. Other girls were more pretty and feminine than me. Other girls are more pretty and feminine than me now as well.

Only when i was 24, 3 years ago i could mentally at last have my hair down. I'm better now but lot of sexually shame and fear and shame of being feminine are still here.

I tried since i was 21-25 sexual experiences with guys (mostly strangers) but i never was satisfied. I'm still a virgin. I drank alcohol on purpose in these experiences so i could numb my feelings of shame and guilt. Even now when i'm thinking these experiences i feel disgust with myself like i am some kind of dirty vulgar slut.

I always had this problem and when i was 23 while i was speaking with a psychoanalyst, i don't remember what we were talking about, he knew about what i said above, but he asked if i ever being touched inappropriate as a child.
Then 2 memories popped in my mind where i was with my father in the bathroom and i was very young (i think 5-6) i entered in the bathroom and saw him naked and i remember i touched his private part back and forth. I can't remember if he asked me to do it, i guess i did by myself but even if i did it by myself that means he let it happened. The second memory is me and my father in the bathroom again (i think i was 7-8), i guess i was peeing and he touched and rubbed me down there. I was completely naked, he didn't use a paper just his bare hand. When we went out of the bathroom my mother yelled at him. I don't know why. I always thought my mother is easily dramatic.

In both memories i was laughing. I remember in the second memory i really liked the sensation and asked him to do it again.

Some other memories i have is i got caughted many times masturbating as a kid by my parents (with clothes on) and i got hit, i was told what i was doing is bad and my sister laughed at me.

My psychoanalyst said these 2 memories were important and they had an impact on me. I told him that's impossible that it couldn't had an impact on me because I really liked it and i was laughing. He told me i was a child back then, too innocent to understand what's going on. I told my friends but i'm not sure if they believed me or not. We didn't get along that time (when i was 23). I guess they believed me.

I don't know how i found the courage to tell my parents back then but i did. They didn't remember anything. My father said he didn't remember, they didn't remember that they hit me for masturbating either and i got really confused.

When i was 25-26 (2-3 years ago) i told the same things to another psychotherapist. And told me i might misunderstood the situation and asked me if i ever fell in love with my father. She told me to not think about it and look into the future.

Now i don't want to view my father as a bad person. He is a good father and to be honest even if these memories are true and not something i created out of misunderstandings, false memory and sickness i wouldn't want to punish him.

If these memories are only to my imagination then there's nothing to explain why i am the way i am now.
If these memories are true it can explain perfectly why my whole life even now i feel guilt and shame about sex, about being feminine and about relationships with males and it would explain why i like and specific fantasies and explain why i was ashamed that maybe males see me sexually including him.

I feel ridiculous to say the same things to another psychologist. A negative voice inside tell me it wasn't that bad, other people have it worse and there's no use to speak about it again and i still am not sure if it's completely true.

And the most important i don't know how this shame to go away or how to become normal or what to do with this information anymore. I still live in the same house with my parents. I'm seeing my father everyday. Thinking about it while i live in the same house with him it's really really uncomfortable.

 

[Fino]

It sounds like you've seen several therapists. Did you see any of them long-term? Have you ever engaged in cognitive behavioral therapy?

 

[dark cloud]

Yes the psychoanalyst i said i was seeing him for 2 years. He told me to stop seeing him. I didn't understand completely why.
And i was seeing another psychologist when i was 19-21 for my autism.
I didn't feel that someone helped me.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

It is sad that you have a poor relationship with your sexuality. Your shame seems a bit extreme for minor events. Yet, I could understand how you would not want to be seen as a sexual object. If you have read me here, you will see that I truly believe that women face misogyny and objectification. That is what should make you angry.

Sex is a fundamental need in Maslow and you need to approach it positively. I didn't, and it caused me a lot of pain. I was a virgin at 28 and thought that no woman would want me. Then I met a very accepting woman. We were friends first and then met IRL then spent 4 days on the road with great adventures. I was falling for her and we had a particularly excellent day. We were sleeping in one tent because of circumstance, and anxious, I somehow got the courage to ask her if she would like to make love, then got so embarrased that I sorta shut down and didn't hear her response. I was wondering if I'd done something that ruined our friendship, and she had to calm me, and patiently explain that we were taking our friendship to a new level. Still, I was a bit afraid of my inexperience and much later she told me she was tired of being used by men and I was the first man to actually care about her pleasure.

My hope is that you will come to terms with your sexuality and embrace it positively. And, never get drunk to numb yourself, as more than sex can happen. You will find that the best sex happens when the partners are vulnerable to each other. Alcohol destroys that. The best happens when you have an emotional bond, know and love each other in mutual respect and allow each other into some highly personal space. The guys who will not look at you sexually are those who will like you for your values, interests, and intellect, BUT, like myself in that tale, sometimes a women needs to use the proverbial 2x4 between the eyes to command attention. Many of us catch on slowly.

 

[Billthecat]

Now all your topic takes a sense.

The only advice I could give is:

Break your chains and live your life free, with your heart, with your mind and with your body, youth doesn't come back and you will regret lots of undone experiences

CHI È SENZA PECCATO SCAGLI LA PRIMA PIETRA

 

[Suzanne]

I am sure you said in your other post, that you had not be touched sexually? So, does that mean, after reading our responses, you got to think about it and realised that something did happen?

I am mostly asexual. I find the act to be gross beyond pale, which is sad for my husband, since he is quite the opposite, but in fairness, I have been the wife he wanted for years, so in truth, I feel it is my turn now.

Due to what male parent did to me, I have felt sexual feelings, but the act, always left me unsatisfied and sure, it is because in my mind, what that filthy character did to me, kicked started a certain feeling that is not being fulfilled with a man. I mean, I fell in love at 18/19 and he meant the world to me, but that area, I wondered what on earth was wrong, since I felt nothing with the act.

In truth, I had found more pleasure with porn and believe it is because, as a child, I would "borrow" male birth parent's magazines.

I got obsessed with child sexual abuse and thus, read much about it and what stood out, is it did not matter whether it was penetration or not; once or several times, it is still abuse!

So, back to you. Do you think this idea with child and adult, is a result of what happened to you?

As for memories. I went through that too, When it came to light I had been sexually molested, all the clear memories, started to play tricks on me. Was it real? Or was I making it up? Especially, since people around me accused me of lying.

Just to say, that the male birth parent, at other times, was a better parent that the femle birth parent. He made us food, when she was too lazy too and that, even after him coming home from work. So, it has been a nightmare for me, because on one hand, he had put me through mental torture, when he was alive and on the other hand, little nasty thoughts keep hitting me, that he was talented. I rather stay with the bad thoughts, otherwise, they can catapult me into ptsd feelings.

 

[Rodafina]

@dark cloud,
Please keep seeking support. These issues you have been discussing are very serious and deep and difficult to work out. Sadly, even two therapists is not very many and some of us had to go through more than that to find a therapist that can actually help - particularly considering not every therapist will be skilled in how to support people on the spectrum. Other eventual options could include group therapy and support groups for survivors of sexual trauma.

This can be a scary thing to try to figure out on your own - in your own mind – and it sounds like you are still living with your father. Have compassion for the difficult and complicated situation you are in and the troubling thoughts you are facing.

I hope that people here can offer some level of support and understanding. But, I would encourage you to seek further professional help to have some real life support available.

I don’t know what country are in, but in the USA, sometimes this website can help give people a start: RAINN | The nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization

 

[Owliet]

There’s a lot more to unpack here. I still think it’s wrong that you have these desires and thoughts mentioned in your previous thread and I still think you need to see a psychiatrist so that you can get the support you need for that. However, What you say here is, tragic and heartbreaking.

I spent my teen years being very shameful and guilty about sex. I didn't want any male to view me sexually in any way so i suppressed my femininity and my sex drive a lot. I was afraid of being raped and i was careful with what clothes i choose to wear. I dressed like a boy covering my breasts with wide clothes and i always had my hair as ponytail, i couldn't let them down even it was long, i couldn't because i was very shameful and started crying.

We don’t get this type of feeling randomly. But know that there’s nothing wrong with you to show your femininity off. You dont Need to suppress that. If a man can’t control themselves, HE has the problem. Not you. Never you.

Other girls were more pretty and feminine than me. Other girls are more pretty and feminine than me now as well.

we all have our own beauty. We are all attractive in some way. I’m not particularly feminine myself, I’m relatively attractive but I know that there are others who are more than I am too. And that’s ok. Obviously, you’re straight and I get that maybe a worry that you’re not as pretty so a guy may not be into you like he may to her and that’s ok. But you should know that there’s nothing wrong with you, someone will always find someone else attractive. (( for me I just get the opportunity to check more girls out. ))

I drank alcohol on purpose in these experiences so i could numb my feelings of shame and guilt. Even now when i'm thinking these experiences i feel disgust with myself like i am some kind of dirty vulgar slut.

You should really speak to a psychiatrist about this. this sounds like you have a lot of internalized emotion, trying to null it with alcohol. You’re NOT a dirty vulgar slut. Never call yourself that.

Then 2 memories popped in my mind where i was with my father in the bathroom and i was very young (i think 5-6) i entered in the bathroom and saw him naked and i remember i touched his private part back and forth. I can't remember if he asked me to do it, i guess i did by myself but even if i did it by myself that means he let it happened. The second memory is me and my father in the bathroom again (i think i was 7-8), i guess i was peeing and he touched and rubbed me down there. I was completely naked, he didn't use a paper just his bare hand. When we went out of the bathroom my mother yelled at him. I don't know why. I always thought my mother is easily dramatic.

Your dad is sick. I’m sorry that happened to you. No parent should touch their child in this manner or ask to be touched by them Or let it happen.

Still think you should see a therapist But second @Rodafina . There’s also support groups and hotlines that you can call. Don’t know what country you’re in but you can check out the pinned post on here about abuse. It has a few hotlines from various countries. I’ll see if I can find it and link it on here.

 

[Owliet]

https://www.autismforums.com/thread...arassment-and-domestic-abuse-helplines.38857/

 

[dark cloud]

It is sad that you have a poor relationship with your sexuality. Your shame seems a bit extreme for minor events. Yet, I could understand how you would not want to be seen as a sexual object. If you have read me here, you will see that I truly believe that women face misogyny and objectification. That is what should make you angry.

Sex is a fundamental need in Maslow and you need to approach it positively. I didn't, and it caused me a lot of pain. I was a virgin at 28 and thought that no woman would want me. Then I met a very accepting woman. We were friends first and then met IRL then spent 4 days on the road with great adventures. I was falling for her and we had a particularly excellent day. We were sleeping in one tent because of circumstance, and anxious, I somehow got the courage to ask her if she would like to make love, then got so embarrased that I sorta shut down and didn't hear her response. I was wondering if I'd done something that ruined our friendship, and she had to calm me, and patiently explain that we were taking our friendship to a new level. Still, I was a bit afraid of my inexperience and much later she told me she was tired of being used by men and I was the first man to actually care about her pleasure.

My hope is that you will come to terms with your sexuality and embrace it positively. And, never get drunk to numb yourself, as more than sex can happen. You will find that the best sex happens when the partners are vulnerable to each other. Alcohol destroys that. The best happens when you have an emotional bond, know and love each other in mutual respect and allow each other into some highly personal space. The guys who will not look at you sexually are those who will like you for your values, interests, and intellect, BUT, like myself in that tale, sometimes a women needs to use the proverbial 2x4 between the eyes to command attention. Many of us catch on slowly.

If i ever had a relationship i would want a guy who won't see me only sexually.
I'm afraid men because of this.
No offense men are kind and loving but a large number of men attract women only sexually.
But to fair i have some problems that need to be fixed so i am not really or enough mature for a relationship yet.
I'm really glad you cared about your girl's pleasure.
Also we have something in common. I need to have emotional bond with someone first.

 

[dark cloud]

Now all your topic takes a sense.

The only advice I could give is:

Break your chains and live your life free, with your heart, with your mind and with your body, youth doesn't come back and you will regret lots of undone experiences

CHI È SENZA PECCATO SCAGLI LA PRIMA PIETRA

Thank you!

 

[dark cloud]

I am sure you said in your other post, that you had not be touched sexually? So, does that mean, after reading our responses, you got to think about it and realised that something did happen?

I am mostly asexual. I find the act to be gross beyond pale, which is sad for my husband, since he is quite the opposite, but in fairness, I have been the wife he wanted for years, so in truth, I feel it is my turn now.

Due to what male parent did to me, I have felt sexual feelings, but the act, always left me unsatisfied and sure, it is because in my mind, what that filthy character did to me, kicked started a certain feeling that is not being fulfilled with a man. I mean, I fell in love at 18/19 and he meant the world to me, but that area, I wondered what on earth was wrong, since I felt nothing with the act.

In truth, I had found more pleasure with porn and believe it is because, as a child, I would "borrow" male birth parent's magazines.

I got obsessed with child sexual abuse and thus, read much about it and what stood out, is it did not matter whether it was penetration or not; once or several times, it is still abuse!

So, back to you. Do you think this idea with child and adult, is a result of what happened to you?

As for memories. I went through that too, When it came to light I had been sexually molested, all the clear memories, started to play tricks on me. Was it real? Or was I making it up? Especially, since people around me accused me of lying.

Just to say, that the male birth parent, at other times, was a better parent that the femle birth parent. He made us food, when she was too lazy too and that, even after him coming home from work. So, it has been a nightmare for me, because on one hand, he had put me through mental torture, when he was alive and on the other hand, little nasty thoughts keep hitting me, that he was talented. I rather stay with the bad thoughts, otherwise, they can catapult me into ptsd feelings.

I said i fantasize myself as child and touched by someone.
I might yes because of this experience i like it as an idea because there's no other explanation. I thought sometimes maybe i am asexual too but i don't think so.
With a sexuality i feel comfortable is demisexual and aegosexual because i can relate.
The worst thing in our experience is that there's no proof and we easily gaslighting ourselves a lot.

 

[dark cloud]

@dark cloud,
Please keep seeking support. These issues you have been discussing are very serious and deep and difficult to work out. Sadly, even two therapists is not very many and some of us had to go through more than that to find a therapist that can actually help - particularly considering not every therapist will be skilled in how to support people on the spectrum. Other eventual options could include group therapy and support groups for survivors of sexual trauma.

This can be a scary thing to try to figure out on your own - in your own mind – and it sounds like you are still living with your father. Have compassion for the difficult and complicated situation you are in and the troubling thoughts you are facing.

I hope that people here can offer some level of support and understanding. But, I would encourage you to seek further professional help to have some real life support available.

I don’t know what country are in, but in the USA, sometimes this website can help give people a start: RAINN | The nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization

Thank you! Unfortunately a few psychologists can understand people on the spectrum.

 

[dark cloud]

There’s a lot more to unpack here. I still think it’s wrong that you have these desires and thoughts mentioned in your previous thread and I still think you need to see a psychiatrist so that you can get the support you need for that. However, What you say here is, tragic and heartbreaking.


We don’t get this type of feeling randomly. But know that there’s nothing wrong with you to show your femininity off. You dont Need to suppress that. If a man can’t control themselves, HE has the problem. Not you. Never you.

we all have our own beauty. We are all attractive in some way. I’m not particularly feminine myself, I’m relatively attractive but I know that there are others who are more than I am too. And that’s ok. Obviously, you’re straight and I get that maybe a worry that you’re not as pretty so a guy may not be into you like he may to her and that’s ok. But you should know that there’s nothing wrong with you, someone will always find someone else attractive. (( for me I just get the opportunity to check more girls out. ))

You should really speak to a psychiatrist about this. this sounds like you have a lot of internalized emotion, trying to null it with alcohol. You’re NOT a dirty vulgar slut. Never call yourself that.

Your dad is sick. I’m sorry that happened to you. No parent should touch their child in this manner or ask to be touched by them Or let it happen.

Still think you should see a therapist But second @Rodafina . There’s also support groups and hotlines that you can call. Don’t know what country you’re in but you can check out the pinned post on here about abuse. It has a few hotlines from various countries. I’ll see if I can find it and link it on here.

Thank you for your answer and kind words!

 

[Owliet]

If i ever had a relationship i would want a guy who won't see me only sexually.
I'm afraid men because of this.

It’s totally understandable but there are good guys out there.

But to fair i have some problems that need to be fixed so i am not really or enough mature for a relationship yet.

And that’s ok to do that. I’m doing the same thing myself until I sort out my mental health. It really helps to have a Therapist who gets you and gives sustainable goals to grow. If you jump into a relationship when you’re not in a good place, it’s a mess and extremely difficult to go through due to dependency.

I need to have emotional bond with someone first.

I think that’s a pretty normal wish. And understandable.

that there's no proof and we easily gaslighting ourselves a lot.

Don’t gaslight yourself. It’s how people like this can control yo into thinking it’s right, correct and normal. It really isn’t.

Unfortunately a few psychologists can understand people on the spectrum.

If you need one, you can also approach a university department and see if there’s anything around. you can even ask your doctor if there’s anything.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

If i ever had a relationship i would want a guy who won't see me only sexually.
I'm afraid men because of this.
No offense men are kind and loving but a large number of men attract women only sexually.
But to fair i have some problems that need to be fixed so i am not really or enough mature for a relationship yet.
I'm really glad you cared about your girl's pleasure.
Also we have something in common. I need to have emotional bond with someone first.

I understand. I am undergoing therapy for PTSD from social and sexual isolation from so long ago. I understand that I was probably not ready for sex until I met my future spouse and am happy it went the way it did. For me, realizing that she accepted me sexually was life changing and we have been together for 44 years.

I hope that you will become comfortable with your sexuality. That will take work as it seems like you are unsure about your boundaries and agency.When I had enough of my isolation I had to learn to like myself, to enjoy my interests, in order to be confident enough to put myself out in order to have a chance at a relationship.It was hard as I am basically shy. You will need to change too, to like who you are

I also understand that you do not want to be seen as a sexual object. You need not feel shame about your desires. We are social and sexual and as you look to connect, to see what relationships are about, at some point intimacy will creep in and you will need to direct it positively. But, first things first. You would want to attract an accepting person, one who lives in the present, flexible, tolerant, and open minded. Somebody who enjoys you and your interests, who sees the value of you as a friend. You can be feminine without feeling shame. Just dress competently, like you know that you have value. There are guys who find that attractive and they will like you emotionally.