I feel so guilty for not "being there" for my dad

[Hurting89]

I feel like I have to vent this here as it has at least something to do with A.S negatively affecting someone else with my own selfishness and I feel it's my fault.

My biological father has been sick for more than 18 years with Parkinson's disease. He developed it "young onset" in his late 20's and is currently only 47 years old and deteriorating. I come from a very dysfunctional family situation and he was only with my mother for three years before starting another family so my contact with him was sporadic.

When I was 11 back in 2001 him and his wife wanted me to live with them because of problems with my mother, but I have to say honestly I was so afraid of him because of the Parkinson's I declined and shunned every contact he tried to make with me. Later on in my teens and early 20's him and his family tried to reach out to me more but at this time I was immersed in my own "self serving" obsessions and also because I didn't want to "deal with a sick person".

I wasn't even there for his brain surgery (deep brain stimulation) in 2012 because of my own stupidity. His wife contacted me last week and my mother as well that his Parkinson's has progressed to the point where he has limited speech, mobility and may need a G-Tube (feeding tube) as it has also impaired his swallowing and he would like to see me.

I just feel so broken down and awful inside for my behavior. It really was deplorable and I am feeling so guilty for this. I feel like at least some of my behavior was the result of Asperger's making me less empathetic and "immature". I don't know what to do.

 

[nowwhat]

Your say you are venting, and finish by saying that you don't know what to do. Did you want input? If not, I will not offer it.

 

[Hurting89]

Your say you are venting, and finish by saying that you don't know what to do. Did you want input? If not, I will not offer it.

I meant I don't know what to do as I feel the damage is already done.

 

[nowwhat]

To do damage to others is to be human. Unintentionally, or sadly sometimes intentionally, it's unavoidable. You have forgiveness and these people want to see you. To avoid this is to be a lesser human. To go, apologize and weather the emotions or their sake is to be a better human. It will not kill you. It may be embarrassing, uncomfortable, humiliating and scary, but this opportunity will soon pass forever. If not for yourself, do it for them. Go. Regret is horrible. I know what I'm talking about. Be brave and go.

 

[watersprite]

Just maybe do a little something, like nowwhat said, not to try and fix past events, but for the moment. Maybe you'll not feel better for it but you might in future. I don't know, because I've done worse things. I suspect because of my Asperger's and not because I was intentionally trying to hurt someone. It still affects our self esteem. I hope I'm not over-stepping here.

 

[Hurting89]

I'm going to force myself to go and I know his wife and my half siblings (that I have literally no relationship with) are going to give me hell.

I used to have a lot of anxiety around the possibility of developing Parkinson's at young age like him, it was a fear that consumed me from age 14 until my late teens until it diminished. I think this was part of the reason I didn't want to be around him - and he actually was aware that I was avoiding him, he wasn't tuned out to it.

I have had health struggles myself as an adult and can empathize better in a more mature way with him compared to how I felt as an adolescent. I feel like I'll burst into tears seeing him again, I feel so sorry for what I did whether ASD played a role in it or not and I hope he (and the family) can forgive me.

 

[Mia]

Your relationship with your Father is something that they are not part of, it happened before them. Don't let them guilt you into anything, you feel the way you feel. Likely for your own reasons. Tell them to not talk or just to keep quiet or even to shut up. Don't engage them in any dialogue. Don't be nice, you are not visiting them, you are there to see you Father. Have similar relatives, and instead of being nice and polite with them, I'm not anymore. I'll very likely not see them again, so I've stopped treating them as if they mean anything to me at all.

 

[Helping Someone]

I'm going to force myself to go and I know his wife and my half siblings (that I have literally no relationship with) are going to give me hell.

I used to have a lot of anxiety around the possibility of developing Parkinson's at young age like him, it was a fear that consumed me from age 14 until my late teens until it diminished. I think this was part of the reason I didn't want to be around him - and he actually was aware that I was avoiding him, he wasn't tuned out to it.

I have had health struggles myself as an adult and can empathize better in a more mature way with him compared to how I felt as an adolescent. I feel like I'll burst into tears seeing him again, I feel so sorry for what I did whether ASD played a role in it or not and I hope he (and the family) can forgive me.

This is the first post I've made since finding this site. I'm adult male NT, and trying to learn more about how those with aspergers think. I have a friend with, it and I'm trying to be a good friend to her.

I do understand your father's thinking, I was fully paralyzed twice, but recovered 100%. What your father wants and needs is for you to just talk to him. Yes, I understand it's hard for you, but remember... he is now locked inside his body and in some ways is very much like you. Just walk in and say hello and tell him your story.... all of it. I'm sure he'll understand.

 

[garnetflower13]

I understand what you are going through. I never got to say goodbye to my father when he died of a stroke, because I was very ill myself and could not travel to be with him. He died thinking that I just didn't care, because the stroke had messed up his ability to reason and he was very emotionally labile. He thought that I was making excuses not to come and see him.

What is important here, is to ask yourself if you could live with not going to see him before he passes away. I agree, too, with what Mia said about remembering that the visit is about you and your father and not those other people. I hope you can deal with this in a healthy way! Good luck!

 

[Hurting89]

Well this is how it is, I see him the end of this week. I spoke to him to day over the phone, he wants to Skype too but I feel I should speak to him in person. Honestly he sounds perfectly understandable, not sure why his wife was telling me "he could barely speak" - maybe just trying to get me into more of a guilt trip. Meh.

Also - neither him and his family are even aware of my A.S or other medical history.. I'm thinking of maybe even not mentioning this at all.

This is really going to be awkward, boy. I feel like I have to be an adult and start doing my penance, and that may involve helping out with the care giving and driving him to appointments and errands. I don't think it will be that big of deal.

I remember how I couldn't or never wanted to handle having a parent with a disability years ago which is so funny reflecting now because I realize I have disability myself (A.S).

 

[garnetflower13]

This is really going to be awkward, boy. I feel like I have to be an adult and start doing my penance, and that may involve helping out with the care giving and driving him to appointments and errands. I don't think it will be that big of deal.

Maybe it would be best not to be so hard on yourself. After all, you didn't ask to have AS, and it wasn't as if that didn't play a role in bringing you to the current situation. Forgive yourself for not being perfect, and perhaps not think of this as penance, but a loving gesture that can be done, now that you understand yourself!

 

[Hurting89]

I thought I would do a follow up. I saw my dad a few days ago for the first time face to face since 2007. Just him, by himself. I won't type everything down but it was a very difficult thing for me to do and see, though his speech was regular and familiar (I was glad he could talk at all frankly) his body had really taken a beating and he was tremoring pretty badly. Lots of muscle atrophy too, which was something I had previously not even known Parkinson's could produce.

It was a very emotional day, and we talked at length. I broke down in tears and told him all that was on my mind and the truth of why I avoided him and what I was feeling as a young teen to make me act the way I did.

I did not mention A.S.. but I may with time. I hope he can forgive me, he is still hurt (I could tell) but I hope the pain heals for him.

 

[garnetflower13]

Awesome! I am so glad that you had that conversation with your Dad. I always wished that I could have talked to my father face to face, before he died. Better late than never, in your case. I applaud the fact that even though it was uncomfortable for you, you still went through with it. That takes guts and maturity.

 

[Xenocity]

I'm glad you made some peace with him.

With that said, you don't own him anything at all since he abandoned you (especially in early childhood) and have no reason to feel guilty about it.

Take it from someone who has a very toxic relationship with both of his parents and is still feeling reverberations from his parents at the age of soon to be 31.

 

[Hurting89]

I'm glad you made some peace with him.

With that said, you don't own him anything at all since he abandoned you (especially in early childhood) and have no reason to feel guilty about it.

Take it from someone who has a very toxic relationship with both of his parents and is still feeling reverberations from his parents at the age of soon to be 31.

It's funny you bring up the word abandonment because that is what I did feel as well all those years ago.. also jealousy to a degree of the love he had for his "new family".

 

[Xenocity]

It's funny you bring up the word abandonment because that is what I did feel as well all those years ago.. also jealousy to a degree of the love he had for his "new family".

Well whatever you do, needs to be of your choosing.
You still don't owe him anything...

 

[Mia]

When someone abandons you, the ramifications go on and on. In your situation its normal to feel the way you do, you don't owe the other family or the parent anything, they left you, not the other way around. Even if they tried at some point to fix the relationship, because they felt guilty.

Don't blame yourself for feeling that way, it's almost as if they expect you to act like the parent instead of the abandoned kid. Who can't help but feel the hurt from so long ago. These kinds of situations change everything for the child who feels that they were not cared about, or considered.

Have a friend who's Dad walked out when she was a teen and she never really recovered, (she was his favorite, and was brilliant at school like her father) she became for a while a drug addict and an alcoholic, abandoned her masters and never went back. I was instrumental in getting her into rehab, and I think it saved her life. She's living a regular life now, and I think is happy and content with the way things are.

 

[ChurchTheArtist]

I feel like I have to vent this here as it has at least something to do with A.S negatively affecting someone else with my own selfishness and I feel it's my fault.

My biological father has been sick for more than 18 years with Parkinson's disease. He developed it "young onset" in his late 20's and is currently only 47 years old and deteriorating. I come from a very dysfunctional family situation and he was only with my mother for three years before starting another family so my contact with him was sporadic.

When I was 11 back in 2001 him and his wife wanted me to live with them because of problems with my mother, but I have to say honestly I was so afraid of him because of the Parkinson's I declined and shunned every contact he tried to make with me. Later on in my teens and early 20's him and his family tried to reach out to me more but at this time I was immersed in my own "self serving" obsessions and also because I didn't want to "deal with a sick person".

I wasn't even there for his brain surgery (deep brain stimulation) in 2012 because of my own stupidity. His wife contacted me last week and my mother as well that his Parkinson's has progressed to the point where he has limited speech, mobility and may need a G-Tube (feeding tube) as it has also impaired his swallowing and he would like to see me.

I just feel so broken down and awful inside for my behavior. It really was deplorable and I am feeling so guilty for this. I feel like at least some of my behavior was the result of Asperger's making me less empathetic and "immature". I don't know what to do.

This is a deep regret you feel; it is real and time sensitive. I will not tell you what to do but I will relay my own feelings on the matter.

We all have a limited time on this plane and few of us know when we are due to leave. In the time we spend we feel many emotions ranging between positive to negative. We often look to others to decide our own moods but we rarely look to others and ask what emotions we can invoke in them for their sake.

It is often said that forgiveness is more for the transgressed than the transgressor, this is because of the pain we carry with us will affect us more than the people around us. Regret works similarly as it stays with us and there comes a time when it becomes too late to remedy it. You still have time to act! It really is as simple as "do you want to be a person who spreads joy or do you want to stay in your comfort zone and let everyone find joy elsewhere, if at all?" How one person feels is not your responsibility nor is it under your control but if you could make an effort to show that you can prioritize someone above your own wants or needs it would be better than turning your back. For it isn't just turning your back on another person but you will turn your back on the part of you that is compassion. Love is shown when we throw away our reasons and excuses and do simple, often uncharacteristic things to show someone else that we will make time for them.

To the extent one may reason not to do for others is within one's right but that will set them on the path of self involvement. It is only after we learn to be compassionate to others outside of our convenience do we start to find the happiness inside ourselves.