I feel so worthless

[Duna]

Adopted a dog, and my neighbor complained about him (to my landlord,who then called me).

I talked to the lady I got the dog from and told her about the problem and she said I was weak because I wouldn't stand up against the neighbor. But she would find the dog a foster home.

My stepdad (who's an attorney) talked to the neighbor and the problem seemed resolved,so I was happy to tell the lady that I could keep the dog, and some other dog could have her place.

Two days later, neighbor calls my stepdad saying dog chewed some cables of his car. Strange, but who knows?

Today the lady sent me a message telling me that my stepdad told her there had been a new problem, and she would now look for a new foster home, but this time there would be no turning back. She said I was the problem because I can't decide if I want the dog or not.

So first she calls me weak, then says I'm the problem in a matter that's a bit out of my hand because I'm not at my best and totally unable to handle social situations like this.

But of course I got angry with myself for being so defective (because first reaction is to believe what I'm told to be true), and angry at her for reminding me. So I sent her a message telling she can't just say those things because she doesn't know me, my personal situation nor the details of the dog problem.

She writes back to just deliver the dog to the woman where I picked her up (where dog can't safely stay because it's next to a main road and the yard isn't fenced).

My neighbor is sitting in his yard, talking to the phone for over an hour now and I hear him talk even if my windows are closed (about 50 meters away). It's all I can hear right now and there's nothing I can do, because of course the man can talk in his yard, right?

I feel weak, insecure, powerless, and so defective because I'm sure most people wouldn't get into succh situations,and if, they would know how to handle them. I was okay again leaving the house, going on walks and even making a joke with another neighbor. And now all I want is to lock myself I to the closet.

 

[paloftoon]

Normally, if you're an adult living on your own, your landlord and you would've directly communicated directly with each other. Since your dog, meaning your responsibility, caused issue to your neighbor's property, and you weren't able to handle the situation yourself (i.e. pay for the cable damage and then move on with the rest of your life and caring for your dog), and since it seems communication with neighbor is dependent to landlord which is dependent on communicating to your dad which is communicating to you, such a chain of communication doesn't give you authority to handle the situation to find a plausible solution to keep your dog.

It was mean of your land lady to say it was weak of you to not respond to your neighbor directly, but I can understand why. She "changed" her mind because the situation changed and escalated in a way where you have to return your dog.

Sometimes, it's hard for some of us to realize what's happening to other people and how our actions or lack of actions might be affecting others negatively.

Despite all this, you are not worthless at all.
You are in no position to take care of a dog currently. Work on making your own money and making yourself more fit.
Consider joining social groups and maybe practicing various social skills with a therapist/counselor.

If you happen to be near Philadelphia, there's a group, if it still exists, called Collage, and that's if they haven't changed the name of it. They are excellent with teaching basic social skills. You might need your dad's help or such to enroll in this organization or a similar one, but it's nice that this type of option might exist at all.

 

[AutistAcolyte]

That's awful! The street I live on a lot of people own dogs, and earlier this year one of the neighbors reported everyone to the city saying that they needed to come make sure everyone had all the right paperwork to keep their dogs. Apparently she did this because everyone else's dogs are a nuisance, when really, its their own dogs that they leave outside all day that terrorize everyone else! Lots of the people here are undocumented, and I think it's a really mean thing to do to use people's pets as an excuse to get city officials to come knock around door to door and harass people.

Pets can be a blessing, but they can also cause a lot of trouble! I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, but things will get better! Play some of your favorite music loud enough to drown out the neighbor, and try not to let other people define your experience of life. When I find myself repeating negative talk in my head (whether it originated from me or someone else) I find that the best thing I can do is to stop repeating those sayings and replace them with positive ones.

You are valuable and loved, even if you don't know it and even if you don't feel it right at that moment!

 

[Duna]

Work on making your own money and making yourself more fit.
Consider joining social groups and maybe practicing various social skills with a therapist/counselor.

I do work and make my own money.
And I can take care of a dog.

There are no social groups where I live.
And some tries with a therapist didn't end well - I just don't want to mask and pretend and twist and turn anymore because honestly, I don't care about people, and even less being in a relationship (that's what the therapists we're aiming at).

And it's all so stupid, because if the neighbor would have talked to me in the first place instead of calling the landlord, maybe nothing of this would have happen.

 

[Duna]

Apparently she did this because everyone else's dogs are a nuisance, when really, its their own dogs that they leave outside all day that terrorize everyone else!

Sounds so much like my neighbor. He has 5 dogs and 3 cats, I have no problem with them, even if one of the dogs stole half a sack of dogfood, hahaha.
I think ok if my neighbor would have come to me and told me about my dog chasing one of his cats everything would be fine by now. It was getting the landlord involved that made things so bad.

But you're right. It's not worth thinking about it. And I'm already feeling better and soon it's time to go out for a walk with all dogs together, and then life is wonderful again

 

[paloftoon]

Why did your dad not reach out to you and talk to you about it first? It sounds like he just solved the situation himself by calling the land lady himself. Is your father treating you like a child by having called your land lady? Seems inappropriate unless father tried to speak with you first.

Was there ever a conversation about covering the neighbor for their damages to their car cables?

I feel like we're missing something here, and that lack of detail seems to put the landlord in the right in this context.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I'd like to know which cables. Now with organic insulation mice love chewing wire harnesses. What cabling is accessible to a dog anyway? If he leaves the car outside I'd suspect mice, not your dog.

 

[Rodafina]

I talked to the lady I got the dog from and told her about the problem and she said I was weak because I wouldn't stand up against the neighbor.

She said I was the problem because I can't decide if I want the dog or not.

These things sound unreasonably harsh and not especially helpful to the situation. Later in your post, you mention feeling frustrated that you don’t know how to handle these social situations, and I just wanted to say, well, that gets way harder when you are dealing with people who are inexplicably mean, so maybe try not to be too hard on your self here.

Calling someone weak is a very stinging insult - I think it is telling of her character. Maybe she knows about dogs and you should take her advice about the dog, I don’t know, but it doesn’t sound like she knows how to talk to people very well. This would have left me feeling really angry.

I'm not at my best and totally unable to handle social situations like this.

This is very self-aware of you, and I think that dogs can really help us in the situation, but only if their needs are met first.

If meeting the dog in your life‘s needs also helps you to move on from a difficult time, then, I think that is where the magic is. Dogs should not be expected to save us, though. If we cannot take care of them for whatever reason, we must find a place where they will be cared for unconditionally. They should be along for the journey by our side, not dragging us by the leash around their neck.

I feel weak, insecure, powerless, and so defective because I'm sure most people wouldn't get into succh situations,and if, they would know how to handle them.

I’m sorry you are feeling this way. I have felt similarly about myself. I would just encourage you to remember that “most people“ is just an idea – there is no such thing. Many many people might feel like they know what to do in the situation, but who knows? Nobody knows.

Human interactions are difficult to figure out, ND, NT or something in between.

I hope I’ve made it clear that I care about you, as the human, so I feel comfortable saying, if you are very confused here, let Ana guide you. Do what is truly best for Ana right now. Think about her now, five years from now, and ten years from now. What choices right now will give Ana the best life?

 

[Rodafina]

I'd like to know which cables. Now with organic insulation mice love chewing wire harnesses. What cabling is accessible to a dog anyway? If he leaves the car outside I'd suspect mice, not your dog.

When I first moved to the country, I realized slowly you can’t keep food in the car. I got a mouse living in there and the little critter chewed through half of my seatbelt! It is a common problem around here, rodents in the car wires. A dog chewing on car cables did seem odd to me, but I didn’t want to cast doubt if I was wrong.

 

[Outdated]

We had a pet galah once that used to run around inside the house. It chewed through the power lead to washing machine and got a zap. For some reason the bird blamed this on my brother and ever afterwards it would attack him on sight.

 

[grommet]

Adopted a dog, and my neighbor complained about him (to my landlord,who then called me).

I talked to the lady I got the dog from and told her about the problem and she said I was weak because I wouldn't stand up against the neighbor. But she would find the dog a foster home.

My stepdad (who's an attorney) talked to the neighbor and the problem seemed resolved,so I was happy to tell the lady that I could keep the dog, and some other dog could have her place.

Two days later, neighbor calls my stepdad saying dog chewed some cables of his car. Strange, but who knows?

Today the lady sent me a message telling me that my stepdad told her there had been a new problem, and she would now look for a new foster home, but this time there would be no turning back. She said I was the problem because I can't decide if I want the dog or not.

So first she calls me weak, then says I'm the problem in a matter that's a bit out of my hand because I'm not at my best and totally unable to handle social situations like this.

But of course I got angry with myself for being so defective (because first reaction is to believe what I'm told to be true), and angry at her for reminding me. So I sent her a message telling she can't just say those things because she doesn't know me, my personal situation nor the details of the dog problem.

She writes back to just deliver the dog to the woman where I picked her up (where dog can't safely stay because it's next to a main road and the yard isn't fenced).

My neighbor is sitting in his yard, talking to the phone for over an hour now and I hear him talk even if my windows are closed (about 50 meters away). It's all I can hear right now and there's nothing I can do, because of course the man can talk in his yard, right?

I feel weak, insecure, powerless, and so defective because I'm sure most people wouldn't get into succh situations,and if, they would know how to handle them. I was okay again leaving the house, going on walks and even making a joke with another neighbor. And now all I want is to lock myself I to the closet.

"So I sent her a message telling she can't just say those things because she doesn't know me, my personal situation nor the details of the dog problem."

I think you are right. She cannot say those things to you. It is not right and she cannot have the knowledge to make those conclusions. I am glad you stood up to her saying that.

I wish you did not feel bad but I would feel like you if I was in that situation. I cannot manage social situations like that either and tend to think people are stating facts if they say something about me. It takes time or someone else giving me perspective for me to realize what they are saying is most likely not true and when they were saying it they knew they did not know enough to make those claims and said them anyway not caring. I do not think autistic people are not like that.

I hope you feel better after some time has passed. I am very sorry you will not be living with the dog.

 

[Suzanne]

I am like you, when people have treated me as though I am useless. It is like I become what they say about me, when in truth, that is not me at all.

Unfortunately, owning animals is a huge responsibilty and one that puts us in situations that we find hard to deal with and thus, impacts on our sensitivites.

We have a dog and cat and the dog barks so loud that it hurts my ears and I feel deeply embarrassed when he barks where people are around and that is because, it is bringing notice to me and a sense of: not being able to control the situation. To add: if it were down to me, I would not have a dog; but hubby insists and thankfully, the dog goes with him to work.

I once had a best friend ( she taught me the concept of friendship). We met on line and chatted for 4 year's on line and then, I had a chance to stay with her for a week and it was the WORST experience, because she used my sensitivites against me and even admitted that she found herself enjoying putting me down, because she got the right reaction. It took a lot to swallow the shame and we did actually get back on track, since she admitted to that and felt bad and did not act that way again.

 

[Duna]

I'd like to know which cables. Now with organic insulation mice love chewing wire harnesses. What cabling is accessible to a dog anyway? If he leaves the car outside I'd suspect mice, not your dog.

The car is outside, it's older model (like early 2000's van). On the ranch I used to live with my X we had all kinds of animals that got wherever they wanted, especially rodents ate they are their way through those plastic boxes for keeping stuff. And of course some car cables, too (Lada Nova and Galloper)

What choices right now will give Ana the best life?

I go on walks with Ana like four or five times a day (I can't go for than 30 minutes at a time right now). With us go my other dog and all 6 of the neighbor's. They have a blast, and I do, too. Seeing them run and chase each other and looking for whatever one of them sensed, then getting lost and looking for each other is like medicine to me.
But once we return, I have to make sure Ana gets into the house immediately so she doesn't run over with the rest of them to the neighbor's. She stays here and has to look out of the window while all her friends stay outside.
Where she'll be going - good people but they work all day and Ana stays outside, which wouldn't be the problem but they live near a main road and she can and does get out. That place would be until the mean lady finds her a foster home.
So technically, the best thing would have been to have Ana stay here until that foster place is available, but that would mean keeping in touch with that woman which neither of us want.

I cannot manage social situations like that either and tend to think people are stating facts if they say something about me. It takes time or someone else giving me perspective for me to realize what they are saying is most likely not true and when they were saying it they knew they did not know enough to make those claims and said them anyway not caring.

I have that problem that I take what others say as facts (unless I know them well, then I have learned to distinguish when they are joking, acting out, or really telling what they think).
I also learned to not let negative things others say put me down. But that's a process that takes between minutes to sometimes a day or two. The rational part being usually quite easy and fast, the emotional aspect... well.
Now I'm over that mean woman, and what she said, but all the situation left me mentally exhausted. Sometimes (not this) things get so bad I can't function for a day or two.

 

[Duna]

I hope you feel better after some time has passed. I am very sorry you will not be living with the dog.

Thank you so much!
I'm already missing her, though she's still laying at me feet right now.

 

[Rodafina]

I also learned to not let negative things others say put me down. But that's a process that takes between minutes to sometimes a day or two

So true for me, too! What a great point. We can learn to fend for ourselves from the opinions of the world, but it does take time, and it takes great energy, too.