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I feel uncomfortable when strangers look at me and I have to hold my hand up in front of my face to let them know I don’t like it but I’m seen as rude

2

2Fragile2TakeCriticism

Black sheep in my own community
V.I.P Member
My parents got angry at me that I behaved my usual autistic self and told me I was being rude to a little girl.

Here’s what happened: mom and I were sitting in the waiting room with a bunch of people. I don’t like to be around crowds because it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like to start conversations, but mom is very talkative and will make judgments about the people in front of her. I on the other hand, mind my own business. She scoffed at how hideous the woman’s hair looked (the woman she was mocking was sitting in front of me), and mom demanded an answer from me.

Whenever I get forced into these kinds of conversations, which are nothing but a waste of time for me, I tend to be a yes man. Mom’s complaining and my response caused the woman’s daughter to look straight at me, in a creepy manner. Her stare made me feel uncomfortable as if she were about to hurt me. So I held my hand up in front of my face, held my head down and shook it. It was my way of saying “please do not look at me, it makes me feel unsafe”. Mom yelled at me and accused me of being rude, it pissed me off.

I muttered angrily at how much of a crazy woman my mom is, only for her to snap at me “don’t you start your attitude in this place with me, young lady!”. It got me even more angry, because I was struggling with my autism and I absolutely hated being judged as rude even though I was just trying to keep myself sane.

Mom on the other hand, was very sarcastic with me and judgmental over anything that involves me that she doesn’t like yet she didn’t see her own behavior as rude. She loved to exaggerate my feelings as hysterical even though I wasn’t crying (at least not out loud). When I told her she was being too rude, she snapped at me saying “and what about the way YOU acted towards that little girl?! Do you ever see yourself as rude, huh?!”. I told her it was setting boundaries. She dismissed it and replied “everyone has boundaries, you know the world doesn’t revolve around you”.

When I got home, I called my dad and told him what happened. Dad just sighed and said “why do you have to make such a big deal over something so redundant? It’s just a little girl for crying out loud!”. I replied that I feel unsafe when a stranger looks at me and it sends off alarms in my body. Dad mocked me “are you serious? You seriously think a little girl is going to hurt you?”. I told him there are children who are dangerous and threats to society, therefore making it a good reason for me to feel discomfort.

Dad kept on undermining my reactions and claiming that I’m taking things out of proportion. “It’s all over now! Why are you making such a big deal out of it?! Don’t you even care if you hurt her feelings?!” Dad said. I replied “why do you act like you know the girl when you haven’t even met her?”. Dad replied “you know the way you act is going to intimidate people and then you’ll wonder why they’re such a threat to you!”. “What about me?!” I said, “you seem to care more about a random stranger than your own daughter!”. “I never said that,” dad replied, “all I’m saying is that your behavior is going to intimidate them and cause them to act savagely”.

I had already reminded my parents that I’m autistic and I’m going to act differently than they want me to. I don’t like to socialize with strangers in public. Whenever I tell of my experiences, I’m told “that’s just you” and “I don’t understand you at all”. I can’t help but feel uncontrollable fear, and if I try to control it, my body gets out of whack, and my mental health gets worse.

It’s bad enough that I am expected to mask my symptoms in front of the public but it gets worse when someone tries to cross my boundaries. I don’t want any solutions regarding my personal experiences, I just want to be left be.
 
Your parents are exactly like mine, I could've written this myself.

I am sorry you are in such a bad situation and that the people that are supposed to understand make you feel bad.

I've walked that path for many years and it's a horrible and bad path. The only real solution is getting away from that environment and try and make it on your own, it's the only real way to deal with these kinds of situations.

Of course all I can offer is my personal opinion based on my personal experiences.

I really hope things get better for you, friend, I do hope you break free from them.
 
My parents were similar but it sounds like mine might have been less aggressive. I read a meme that said something like, "It's pathetic when someone says a remake ruined their childhood. My childhood was ruined by my parents like God intended."
 
The whole thing sounds like people being argumentative, hostile and critical for the sake of it.
 
My parents never scolded me about my actions in public.
I still don't like being social in crowds of strangers, so I just look away.
It may seem rude, but it keeps things quiet.
 
My mum sometimes scolded me for my behaviour in public but not over the things your mum did. That just seems weird. They can't force anyone to have a conversation. I thought an NT would understand that. So much for the "NTs don't lack empathy" thing.

When I was a teenager I did do embarrassing things that reasonably caused my mum to scold me for it. My mum got embarrassed easily in public but she didn't think not wanting to have a conversation was wrong or embarrassing. It was more when I shouted private things out (not intentionally), or acting difficult in stores, things like that.
That's how I learnt the hard way that there are social rules you have to follow in public that can be different to the social rules you have around your friends or family. As an adult it worked too well - I'm more paranoid and self-conscious in public than the average NT is.
 
Your dislike of being looked at is valid, but you cannot enforce it on other people.

NT's look at other people. There are protocols for it
You probably do it yourself, but your preferred protocols are not NT-compliant.

Children don't follow those protocols until approx 10-14.
And it's 100% natural for children to look at anything that "breaks the pattern". Unusual = interesting.

A general solution for you: Buy some shades (if it was me, I'd get 6-8 different pairs).
* Large ones for normal use situations.
* Normal-sized ones for "fitting in"
* Vary the darkness of the lenses so you have indoor and outdoor ones (**)
* Cop shades (Mirrored) for annoying adults (switch to mirrors and look right at them - very passive-aggressive :)

But don't use dark glasses "actively" on young children. They don't know any better.

It is never reasonable for an adult to apply pressure to e.g. a 7 or 8 year old child.
You can make a game of it though - kids don't mind being redirected if it's fun.

In this respect, your father is right. Even though your discomfort is real and valid, and it can't easily be called a "you problem", you should still accommodate yourself to the environment.
One of the safest assumptions about human behavior is that adults will react negatively to another adult projecting their issues onto children. It's a very bad idea to "test" this IRL.
:
:
(**) Outdoor light levels are usually much higher than indoor levels.
Your pupils adjust quite fast, so you only notice for for a second or two when you move between them.

Sunglasses mess this up a bit. In general, sunglasses that work well outside will be too dark inside and vice-versa.

Mirrors are different, but for this, they're intended as "weaponized eyewear", and should only be used when you're deliberately being rude :)

BTW - I could, in principle, give you some advice on parent handling, but your userid inhibits that.
 
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A child staring you indicates that you look different, even if they're not judging you it can still make you feel self-conscious if you don't want to look different. I hate children staring at me too unless I know them. I feel like I look like a freak or something, and my main objective when I go out anywhere is to not draw any attention to myself, which is easy enough for me because I don't stim anyway and it ain't that hard to look normal just by sitting on a chair or standing or walking, like everyone else.
 
@2Fragile2TakeCriticism

Your mother "scoffed at how hideous the woman’s hair looked (the woman she was mocking was sitting in front of me), and mom demanded an answer from me."

But "she didn’t see her own behavior as rude."

How often does she set you up this way?

Because from your description, that's what it sounds like happened.
She created a situation wherein she feels justified in telling you
that you're weird and rude and she's the poor martyr for having
a daughter like you.
 
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