I find it strange....

[the_tortoise]

...that human adults are usually only allowed to ask a romantic or sexual partner to hold them for comfort.

It is rare to find a platonic friend you could ask to hold you in their arms for comfort/to help you calm down.

I don’t understand why this is. Don’t most people need physical comfort to be okay?

Other social mammals seek out and offer snuggles as adults without it being about mating, so why cant we?

 

[Mia]

It would be a rare person who understood and would permit that tortoise. And it truly depends on the individual who needs to be comforted. I could not go to a friend for some sort of physical comfort, it would be a family member that I would find that with.

The physical contact I've understood among friends is hugging for a short period, specifically among females. I do see men hug one another, although it's rare, and usually between brothers and fathers who have not seen one another for awhile. Some seem less inclined to do so, for reasons that are their own. See it quite a bit in sports, but it's usually not for long.

It's likely that its the stigma associated with male companionship, and decades of homophobia.

 

[Tom]

I think at least part of the answer can be seen if you view people as just another social species with certain instinctive and learned animal (or even insect for that matter) behaviors. People can think beyond such but typically follow the standard protocols.

 

[the_tortoise]

I think at least part of the answer can be seen if you view people as just another social species with certain instinctive and learned animal (or even insect for that matter) behaviors. People can think beyond such but typically follow the standard protocols.

I wish our learned protocols were different.

 

[Wolfnox]

Yeah society is quick to perceive such action as more then it is.

 

[the_tortoise]

Yeah society is quick to perceive such action as more then it is.

So it’s about social appearances?

 

[Baeraad]

I expect the difference may have something to do with humans effectively being in heat 100% of the time. Other mammals spend most of their time asexual. For us, closeness and sex are too intertwined... except when sex can't possibly be an issue, such as between family members.

That said, I empathise with your frustration. I have a strong need for non-sexual closeness, too.

 

[Misery]

So it’s about social appearances?

Aye, pretty much. Just like the vast majority of odd behaviors out there. Society teaches, and most dont resist any of it. Males wont show that sort of behavior because society says they're not supposed to, for instance. Not for anything resembling a logical reason, it's just "because that's how it's done". Utterly braindead, that. But that's general society for you. It aint very bright. Makes a houseplant look like Einstein.

And sadly there's little that can be done about it. That old saying "You cant teach an old dog new tricks", I think it is, that one applies here absolutely. Those behaviors, once jammed in there, are very hard to counter.

 

[Aspychata]

In Europe, hugs between males probably are the norm in some countries. Human touch is very important as we have learned with children in foster homes with no affection shown to them like hugs.

But in my employee handbook, it says that hugging and personal touching are not tolerated because it can be considered harrassement if unwelcomed.

 

[Fino]

My friend hugs me often and long, especially when I'm not doing well, but if you mean anymore than that then I had no idea "most people" would like that.

 

[the_tortoise]

My friend hugs me often and long, especially when I'm not doing well, but if you mean anymore than that then I had no idea "most people" would like that.

i dont know specifically what type or duration of physical affection most people want i just know most people need some.

maybe it is just me that would benefit from what is a truly abnormal amount of physical affection.

 

[tducey]

People have boundaries, you have to respect them and those boundaries.

 

[Fino]

i dont know specifically what type or duration of physical affection most people want i just know most people need some.

maybe it is just me that would benefit from what is a truly abnormal amount of physical affection.

I know people who feel similarly and they talked about this very subject and are friends and cuddled with each other, often while drunk, and I remember thinking about how interesting it was back when it happened more, when we were in our late teens and early twenties. So not just you! It'd make me uncomfortable is all.

 

[the_tortoise]

People have boundaries, you have to respect them and those boundaries.

I fully agree and also do not understand why you are saying this.

 

[Aspychata]

@the_tortoise
l love long hugs but only if the other person is comfortable with it. There is nothing wrong with affection. Hope you find a long hug but animals are very affectionate and often that helps with our affection needs.

 

[Progster]

I think that people have literally their own personal space, a space of a couple of meters all around them which marks the boundary of their comfort zone, and if someone crosses over into that space, they feel uncomfortable. People only let another person into this zone when they start to feel more comfortable with that person, or when they have an intimate relationship with that person. If a stranger or a person for whom that relationship doesn't exist were to try to cross the boundary, it would feel too intimate and possibly feel threatening or overhwelming.

 

[the_tortoise]

I think that people have literally their own personal space, a space of a couple of meters all around them which marks the boundary of their comfort zone, and if someone crosses over into that space, they feel uncomfortable. People only let another person into this zone when they start to feel more comfortable with that person, or when they have an intimate relationship with that person. If a stranger or a person for whom that relationship doesn't exist were to try to cross the boundary, it would feel too intimate and possibly feel threatening or overhwelming.

Are people thinking I go up to random strangers and ask them to hold me? I dont, to be clear. I dont even ask people i am close to because i know you arent supposed to. (my mom was the only exception and she would offer but she is dead.)

I would never just assume a person was okay with or wanted a hug or any kind of physical contact from me. Even with my family and close friends (with everyone) i would ask first and if the answer is “no” or they seem uncomfortable at the question then i respect that and dont hug them. and if the first ask ever gets a no and they never initiate physical affection then i will probably never ask if i can have/if they want a hug ever again.

I dont ask random strangers or casual acquaintances for hugs, because i dont generally want hugs from random strangers and even if i did i still would not ask because i do not want to be creepy.

 

[Progster]

I dont ask random strangers or casual acquaintances for hugs, because i dont generally want hugs from random strangers and even if i did i still would not ask because i do not want to be creepy.

I never said that this is something that you do... nor did I specifically mention hugs... I'm talking generally and I said that people have a boundary and if a person enters that space, they feel uncomfortable. Going beyond the boundary might mean hugs, or it might just getting too close. I also said, a stranger or person that didn't have that kind of relationship, talking generally from personal experience, I'm not making any assumptions about what you personally do.

 

[the_tortoise]

I never said that this is something that you do... nor did I specifically mention hugs... I'm talking generally and I said that people have a boundary and if a person enters that space, they feel uncomfortable. Going beyond the boundary might mean hugs, or it might just getting too close. I also said, a stranger or person that didn't have that kind of relationship, talking generally from personal experience, I'm not making any assumptions about what you personally do.

Okay thank you for clarifying. I really appreciate it!

You are the second person to say something about personal boundaries and i dont understand why.

 

[Progster]

You are the second person to say something about personal boundaries and i dont understand why.

I said it because you asked why it is rare for a person in a platonic relationship to ask for a hug to comfort you, and I gave you the reason why I think it is. Because it means entering their personal space adn people aren't comfortable with it. I was thinking generally about people and when they will allow or feel comfortable with a person hugging them and when they don't, and also about my own experience/observations (though actually personally I'm really not comfortable with this kind of physical contact and never ask for it).