I Got A Problem I Would Like To Confess

[KevinMao133]

I take everything too seriously

I’m very confrontational, to an extent

I have this never bow down approach, meaning I never lower my head for no one

I’m super competitive, sometimes way too competitive

The destroying someone mindset, or rather wanting to excel at everything, problematic

 

[Matthias]

Those are all mental problems. Reading self-help books to improve your emotional intelligence can help you eliminate every problem you mentioned.

 

[Aspychata]

I take everything too seriously

I’m very confrontational, to an extent

I have this never bow down approach, meaning I never lower my head for no one

I’m super competitive, sometimes way too competitive

The destroying someone mindset, or rather wanting to excel at everything, problematic

I kinda of know someone like that. And l just want to say whoa, ease a bit back. Everything doesn't have to be a competition. I feel like the destroy mindset operates when he is bored. Like l am just doing this because l can. It feels immature. Anyways, are you bored? Are you unhappy in your life? Did you fend a lot when you were a child? Why do you feel you need to go to that extent? Is it enjoyable?

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I take everything too seriously

I’m very confrontational, to an extent

I have this never bow down approach, meaning I never lower my head for no one

I’m super competitive, sometimes way too competitive

The destroying someone mindset, or rather wanting to excel at everything, problematic

It may have been important for you to behave like that in the pass. Maybe it became a core part of who you are. Being confrontational is a way of not feeling like a victim.

So that part of you may be important and valuable. You dont need to turn your back on that competitive part of you in order to develop other parts. As you dont need to get rid of your hammer to start using a screwdriver.

Its healthy to develop all your parts, both confrontational and non confrontational ones.

No part can become a fully healthy person, and no healthy person lacks some of their parts.

Hugs.

 

[KevinMao133]

It may have been important for you to behave like that in the pass. Maybe it became a core part of who you are. Being confrontational is a way of not feeling like a victim.

So that part of you may be important and valuable. You dont need to turn your back on that competitive part of you in order to develop other parts. As you dont need to get rid of your hammer to start using a screwdriver.

Its healthy to develop all your parts, both confrontational and non confrontational ones.

No part can become a fully healthy person, and no healthy person lacks some of their parts.

Hugs.

Most of the time I don’t want to argue, I do it cuz of ego

Well, I really do it cuz I don’t know how to end the argument

 

[KevinMao133]

I kinda of know someone like that. And l just want to say whoa, ease a bit back. Everything doesn't have to be a competition. I feel like the destroy mindset operates when he is bored. Like l am just doing this because l can. It feels immature. Anyways, are you bored? Are you unhappy in your life? Did you fend a lot when you were a child? Why do you feel you need to go to that extent? Is it enjoyable?

I am. No purpose so far. I even picked up some bad habits I used to have

Anyways it will change soon. I have to get really creative and dig super deep to find a solution

 

[GypsyMoth]

You know, I heard a story of a guy who wanted to learn the value of humility. So he made this sandwhich sign and went downtown and preached that Jesus was coming soon. Oh, people mocked him, threw things at him, and in general made fun of him. Yet, he endured. Thirty days later, he sat back and contemplated his journey towards humility. Know what he discovered? That he was the only street preacher he knew who had the guts to stand out there with a sandwich sign strung over his shoulders who could endure such mockery over an entire month! So much for learning the value of humilty...!

But don't give up on your quest. God had something greater for that street preacher. His name was D.L. Moody, as in the namesake of The Moody Bible Institute in Chicago? Surely God has something for you in this, too.

 

[Rodafina]

Most of the time I don’t want to argue, I do it cuz of ego

Would you be willing to say a little more about this? I don’t understand.

Well, I really do it cuz I don’t know how to end the argument

I think the most effective way of “ending arguments” is actually by preventing them, and resolving conflicts peaceably.

 

[Knower of nothing]

A high-strung ego lived among those that easily criticize. Perhaps confidence is key.

 

[KevinMao133]

Would you be willing to say a little more about this? I don’t understand.

well as a man I been told I have to do certain things. I been told men who are masculine stands out. What is masculinity? Masculinity is something that women don’t have, only men possess

 

[Rodafina]

well as a man I been told I have to do certain things. I been told men who are masculine stands out. What is masculinity? Masculinity is something that women don’t have, only men possess

Interesting, thanks for elaborating. I have a different opinion about masculinity… But I am a woman, and identify as the gender I was born as. I wonder if masculinity is more of a subjective description based on unique sociocultural circumstances.

But again, I am left confused here. What does masculinity have to do being too serious, competitive, and confrontational? These sound more like genderless traits, or as @Matthias mentioned difficult mental health challenges that could be addressed.

I only state things in this way, because you described it as if it was a problem, and you want to do it less. I think men can be supremely masculine while displaying sensitivity, conflict, resolution skills, and inner confidence that does not come from standing over others.

It sounds like the antidote to many of these behaviors you describe is confidence. Stoking or protecting the ego comes from a place of thinking that it needs protection. Going through the world with more confidence would allow you to choose when it’s not even an effective use of your effort to go through life this way.

I hope I conveyed compassion here.

 

[KevinMao133]

Interesting, thanks for elaborating. I have a different opinion about masculinity… But I am a woman, and identify as the gender I was born as. I wonder if masculinity is more of a subjective description based on unique sociocultural circumstances.

But again, I am left confused here. What does masculinity have to do being too serious, competitive, and confrontational? These sound more like genderless traits, or as @Matthias mentioned difficult mental health challenges that could be addressed.

I only state things in this way, because you described it as if it was a problem, and you want to do it less. I think men can be supremely masculine while displaying sensitivity, conflict, resolution skills, and inner confidence that does not come from standing over others.

It sounds like the antidote to many of these behaviors you describe is confidence. Stoking or protecting the ego comes from a place of thinking that it needs protection. Going through the world with more confidence would allow you to choose when it’s not even an effective use of your effort to go through life this way.

I hope I conveyed compassion here.

I don’t want to stand out, nor do I feel the need to stand out

I am improving but there have been a lot of setbacks recently

Things are out of my control right now. I’m still learning how to cope with everything

 

[Streetwise]

I take everything too seriously

I’m very confrontational, to an extent

I have this never bow down approach, meaning I never lower my head for no one

I’m super competitive, sometimes way too competitive

The destroying someone mindset, or rather wanting to excel at everything, problematic

thats just autism you learn to avoid humans

 

[GypsyMoth]

thats just autism you learn to avoid humans

Huh. Really? I wasn't going to say anything but when I read @KevinMao133's OP, much of it sounded like he was describing me: overly serious, happy to confront, highly competitive. Loves debates (I could care less about winning--it's more like a game of chess). A thorough-going and high-achieving perfectionist. I love teamwork-- I do best when I'm in charge. Trust me, people who are not those things seriously do not choose me to chit-chat with. Seriously not cool when trying to blend in with a new work environment.

@KevinMao133, maybe you should just practice smiling a bit more? At least, it's a strategy I take and it's paid some dividends. I really don't think self-help books will help--they're just full of theory. From your OP, you clearly know your strengths and weaknesses.

This might sound like a non-starter at first, but something I've really been trying out has been asking people to come alongside and actually coach in areas in which I'm, well, not as savvy. My recruiter's advice? Stop acting like the boss. (She's also a good friend & can say that. But me? Seriously? I did not know I come off like that. Intense, yes, but 'like the boss'? Interpretation: basically, anything I have to say at a new job won't be welcome, so don't say anything. I realize she probably doesn't mean that, but the effect is still the same.) I asked one of my professors for guidance on an academic position I applied for (& for which I am now on the candidate list for pool!) He did a great job of scripting for me the format of a very simple thank-you letter for my references. He...also knows I have some social dysfunction and has been most generous in accommodating my ... genuine awkwardness over the years. (Trust me, I am not this chatty in person.)

Just some ideas. Maybe there are people in your life who you can let in a little more in this or that area. it sure beats sitting in a therapist's office ruminating about things that happened decades ago over which you have no control today.

 

[Aspychata]

Masculinity is outdated now. It's just a outdated concept. I say appreciate your feminine and masculine qualities. My friends tend to be independent people, fighters in general. Some of them are masculine, some are more feminine. It seems to not take in gender assignment. Which l really don't care anyways. I think a effeminate guy is refreshing because they have a lot more sensitivity and keep me on my toes, like l can't assume anything about them or their belief system.

 

[GypsyMoth]

Masculinity is outdated now.

Is it? The most gorgeous man I ever met was, hands down, the most handsome, most masculine man I have ever laid eyes on. I do not blush and most men do not impress me. But this guy, wow. I was not only beat red but my hand shook as I handed him the form he needed to fill out. I literally could not say anything intelligent to him. It must have been mutual because, on their way out, I overheard his buddy reminding him that he was married. Talk about Adonis in the flesh.

If you're masculine, it'll attract those who appreciate masculinity. If you're not, then whatever it is you are will attract those who appreciate that instead. Whatever you are, just follow the old bard Shakespeare's advice: to thyne own self be true.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I take everything too seriously

I’m very confrontational, to an extent

I have this never bow down approach, meaning I never lower my head for no one

I’m super competitive, sometimes way too competitive

The destroying someone mindset, or rather wanting to excel at everything, problematic

All things in moderation,...and I think,...in time,...you will. I was very much the same in my 20's and 30's.

All of those traits have served me well,...if,...I can pause,...take in context and perspective, trying to understand the situation,...then react. Any time I just let my "hair-trigger" responses take over, it never ended up well for anyone.

Competitiveness and being "less agreeable",...in moderation, will be an asset to you,...like I suggest,...take some pause, then react.

Masculinity is NOT outdated, per se. A person, male or female, should be considered to be "formidable and dangerous",...but with self-control. Many of the martial arts underlying mantra's incorporate this into their teachings. Better to be a warrior in a garden,...than a gardener in a war. Masculinity often gets confused with "toxic masculinity" as if they are the same thing,...and they are NOT,...two very different things. The problem is that, culturally, in the US, we have spent the past 40 years literally sucking the masculinity out of males, much to our society's demise. We have generations of males who have been told that who and what they are is to be inhibited,...and that has a horrible psychological effect. Keep the good,...weed out the bad,...and that hasn't been done in this cultural experiment we've been a part of.

 

[Rodafina]

Is it? The most gorgeous man I ever met was, hands down, the most handsome, most masculine man I have ever laid eyes on. I do not blush and most men do not impress me. But this guy, wow. I was not only beat red but my hand shook…

Sure, one could argue that the word outdated may not be perfect, but I think @Aspychata’s point stands. “Masculinity” is a simple word… It’s very definition refers to “traditionally associated with men.“ Whose traditions are they speaking of here? From what time period? In what culture? There are infinite traditions around the world. In our smaller worlds, traditions, expectations, and desires are all relative and subjective experiences of individuals. This is where @Aspychata’s use of the word outdated seems particularly relevant. “Traditional men” is a concept that has changed drastically overtime and from one location to another.

The problem here is that many men on this forum, who struggle to find a partner, seem to think that they must fit into some kind of specific definition of masculine. This is simply not true, and it makes me absolutely heartbroken for men. There is no narrow definition of masculinity…

 

[Rodafina]

We have generations of males who have been told that who and what they are is to be inhibited,...and that has a horrible psychological effect.

This holds true for men of all types however… Men in parts of my country have been told for many many years that it is simply not OK to be quiet and sensitive and reserved. In other places in the country, men are being told it is not OK to be aggressive and loud and commanding of space. Over time, these positions have also changed, depending on where you are in the States and the political proclivities of the region.

I wonder if the feeling of not being able to express oneself and repressing whatever is truly there is more of a universal experience among men than each might realize. Those who want to be one way should be allowed to be that and those who want to be another should be allowed that, as long as everyone is operating within the realm of being able to control themselves and not hurt anyone in their path.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

This holds true for men of all types however… Men in parts of my country have been told for many many years that it is simply not OK to be quiet and sensitive and reserved. In other places in the country, men are being told it is not OK to be aggressive and loud and commanding of space. Over time, these positions have also changed, depending on where you are in the States and the political proclivities of the region.

I wonder if the feeling of not being able to express oneself and repressing whatever is truly there is more of a universal experience among men than each might realize. Those who want to be one way should be allowed to be that and those who want to be another should be allowed that, as long as everyone is operating within the realm of being able to control themselves and not hurt anyone in their path.

Self-control. I think this is something that culturally, we all struggle with. I think there is a tendency to embrace too much "intellectual laziness" in our societal teachings of young men struggling to find who they are,...and too many end up psychologically confused, depressed,...or dead because of it. It wasn't until I was in my 40s and 50s before I had a good sense of who I was,...partly because of the my autism,...partly because of confusing messages from the 1960's-80's embracing one model,...and then the 1990s-2020s embracing a different model,...and I was caught between two worlds.