I Guess I Must be Depressed.

[Gerald Wilgus]

Over the past year, I cannot feel positive or fulfilled by anything. I don't know if it started with the stroke last year in January, but now everything just seems dull. In June the stenosis was corrected, but before then, when doing strenuous activities that I have enjoyed and am skilled at, Transient Ischemic Attacks left me feeling fragile. Also, reinvigorating sex with my spouse to show her just how desirable she is to me has left me feeling empty.

This seems now to be impacting the CPT I am doing to overcome PTSD from past social isolation at a developmentally important time of life. I am trying to recognize the positives; transcending my deficits to break out of the cage ASD put me in, decades of good relationships with my spouse and accepting friends, accomplishments and skills along the way, but they seem weak compared to the pain I had felt. I do not see what I did as anything special and life does not give participation trophies for just showing up.

I think accepting the positive about myself is one of the last hurdles in accepting my early past to put the bitterness aside and live in the present. Intellectually I know what I need to do, but emotionally I cannot accept that what I did is at all notable.

Thank you for listening.

 

[watersprite]

I’d send helpful ideas but I’m pretty low myself at the moment.
Best to you @Gerald Wilgus

 

[VictorR]

We all need to take care of ourselves first, and recognizing that is one of the first steps to recovery

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

What physical effects did your stroke leave you with mine took out feeling on my left heel and my two toes on the left side and about a two to tree inch strip along my left side left arm two finger pain sense works real well on left side cold and hot not comfortable. Two years now still improving slowly. Lack of peer support due to covid a real issue.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

What physical effects did your stroke leave you with mine took out feeling on my left heel and my two toes on the left side and about a two to tree inch strip along my left side left arm two finger pain sense works real well on left side cold and hot not comfortable. Two years now still improving slowly. Lack of peer support due to covid a real issue.

The effect was a temporary dyskenisia on my left side. There is slight residual effect, but it isn't stopping me from doing things.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I think my brain got temporarily disconnected from one of the nerves that control feeling on the left side of my left side, strength is undiminished holding a cold can of pop or touching a hot plate is not recommended. Being my first stroke really miss having no other survivors to hang with. I am winging my own recovery.

 

[Suzette]

@Gerald Wilgus
Like many folk you seem to value the idea that only those who accomllish great things have value. That is a subjective valuation that is learned. I wonder if this idea isn't causing you to view yourself unrealistically.

"Notable" by whos standard? And why should that person's opinion matter?

You seem to have gotten in a thought loop that is based on false ideals. You can't get out of it with rational thought because the thought pattern it's self is not rational. It would be better to try to find a new thought by deliberately choosing something else to think of when the old "not notable" thoughts come around.

It goes something like "Oh, I don't have to think of that right now. I don't enjoy thinking of those things. My fossil collection is more fun. Hey, I haven't cataloged that new specimin yet!"

Just keep choosing thoughts you do want to think. Do it over and over and over. It takes practice but you can stop the pattern and it dosen't take long before pleasing thoughs come more naturally.

 

[Thinx]

I feel like I m hearing a 'stern or critical parent' in the way you say you can't give yourself credit. He's a bit of an old style guy who takes a hard line. Maybe he represents an element of the parenting you received?

Maybe spend some time thinking about the issues of isolation and distress you experienced from the perspective of how you would parent a son who was going through that? What would you say and do to help him accept his strengths and feel less distressed?

It seems like your own determination did enable you to find a way to develop yourself and be more social, but this challenge is about kindness and comfort and acknowledgement from the parent part of yourself to the lost and distressed child and young adult within you. You seem to be wrestling with a sterness you value as a strength, which of course it is, but in parenting that's not the whole story. It's a balance.

You have often emphasised how angry you tend to feel towards those who didn't help the young person you were adequately. Now what you can start to do is show them how it's done. He needs to be seen, acknowledged and comforted. Warmth and understanding, as well as tough love.

 

[PinkPhilodendron]

My first guess would be, that you have a hard time accepting that you deserve to be happy...
I tell you what helped me in that regard (apart from inner child-work).

Imagine somebody you Love (like your spouse) would be in the exact situation with the exact same feelings as you are now. Think about it even If it is painful.

What would you do to make the situation better for them? How would you comfort them?
Think of a few things before you read on.


Then please imagine doing all those things to yourself to make yourself feel better. Could you do that? If yes, you should.
If no, why won't you be good to yourself?

 

[Gracey]

It's completely okay to experience low mood and depression.
You don't have to justify it either.
Just a bodily reaction to events, same as any other.

Many options available to help lift mood again when you're ready.
Some great ones mentioned above.
It has to be your call though. Nobody can do it for you.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I feel like I m hearing a 'stern or critical parent' in the way you say you can't give yourself credit. He's a bit of an old style guy who takes a hard line. Maybe he represents an element of the parenting you received?

Maybe spend some time thinking about the issues of isolation and distress you experienced from the perspective of how you would parent a son who was going through that? What would you say and do to help him accept his strengths and feel less distressed?

It seems like your own determination did enable you to find a way to develop yourself and be more social, but this challenge is about kindness and comfort and acknowledgement from the parent part of yourself to the lost and distressed child and young adult within you. You seem to be wrestling with a sterness you value as a strength, which of course it is, but in parenting that's not the whole story. It's a balance.

You have often emphasised how angry you tend to feel towards those who didn't help the young person you were adequately. Now what you can start to do is show them how it's done. He needs to be seen, acknowledged and comforted. Warmth and understanding, as well as tough love.

Good ideas. I am beginning to think that in those times I deserved help, though I had to wait until I was mature enough to help myself. How I would have helped that younger me is interesting as it would have meant nurturing some level of confidence so that I would not have been so self-conscious of my weaknesses and fearful of social interaction. Hard to do when I neither had the strength, coordination nor skills to be successful in common childhood activities, or being poor, I had closed my mind to fashion that I could not afford.