Feldwebel Knispel
Active Member
I’m 20 years old, male, and was diagnosed with ASD when I was 16. I don’t want this to be misconstrued as a suicide post, but I am tired of life to be perfectly blunt and don’t feel like things will get better. I can barely hold down a part time job, I flunked out of college and can’t come back because of my financial aid getting cut. Right now, I am unemployed and not in school. To make matters worse, I don’t drive.
My passion is political and social commentary and one reason I decided to not come back to school was so I could have more time to vlog and write. My dream is to be famous, travel the world, and live overseas while doing political commentary for a living. Unfortunately, reality has different plans it seems. My dad brought up the possibility that I will never move out of the house due to my inability to hold down a job and that I will probably never learn to drive and have to be on SSI. Due to my aspirations, that is not something I am ready to accept. I will not be happy until I can do the things I dream of doing and actually be somebody.
My interactions with the opposite sex have not gone well either. I’ve never kissed, had sex, or even been in an actual relationship. It doesn’t seem like that is going to change anytime soon. No matter what I seem to do or advice I take (I’ve tried TRP and PUA among other things) nothing seems to work. I’ve been shot down, ghosted, accused of harassment and sent to the dean of the college, and more. The closest I came to a relationship was a “thing” I had going with a girl I met online that lived in another state when I was younger. She eventually decided that I was not good enough to be in her life anymore and implicitly cut me out of her life. This makes me feel hurt, worthless, and angry more than anything else. I just want to experience love and intimacy with a beautiful woman, but that is apparently too much to ask for.
To make matters worse, my mother is not very understanding or sympathetic of my disorder. She cried crocodile tears during my diagnosis, but has been treating me like nothing is wrong and I’m an NT. She also pesters me about taking depression medication and tries to make me feel guilty for being depressed even though she is depressed herself but just chooses to self medicate. She does nothing to help me or try to understand me or anything.
Nobody understands me or values me for me and I always feel lonely, worthless, and like I have no purpose. My best friend in town is also moving away and my best friend from high school lives almost two hours away and is busy with college and Army stuff. I have no idea how to be social and put myself out there since I seem to be interested in a lot of things that people my age don’t like. I just want this to be over.
My passion is political and social commentary and one reason I decided to not come back to school was so I could have more time to vlog and write. My dream is to be famous, travel the world, and live overseas while doing political commentary for a living. Unfortunately, reality has different plans it seems. My dad brought up the possibility that I will never move out of the house due to my inability to hold down a job and that I will probably never learn to drive and have to be on SSI. Due to my aspirations, that is not something I am ready to accept. I will not be happy until I can do the things I dream of doing and actually be somebody.
My interactions with the opposite sex have not gone well either. I’ve never kissed, had sex, or even been in an actual relationship. It doesn’t seem like that is going to change anytime soon. No matter what I seem to do or advice I take (I’ve tried TRP and PUA among other things) nothing seems to work. I’ve been shot down, ghosted, accused of harassment and sent to the dean of the college, and more. The closest I came to a relationship was a “thing” I had going with a girl I met online that lived in another state when I was younger. She eventually decided that I was not good enough to be in her life anymore and implicitly cut me out of her life. This makes me feel hurt, worthless, and angry more than anything else. I just want to experience love and intimacy with a beautiful woman, but that is apparently too much to ask for.
To make matters worse, my mother is not very understanding or sympathetic of my disorder. She cried crocodile tears during my diagnosis, but has been treating me like nothing is wrong and I’m an NT. She also pesters me about taking depression medication and tries to make me feel guilty for being depressed even though she is depressed herself but just chooses to self medicate. She does nothing to help me or try to understand me or anything.
Nobody understands me or values me for me and I always feel lonely, worthless, and like I have no purpose. My best friend in town is also moving away and my best friend from high school lives almost two hours away and is busy with college and Army stuff. I have no idea how to be social and put myself out there since I seem to be interested in a lot of things that people my age don’t like. I just want this to be over.
