I had a really bad day at a game store today

[Ya Boi]

I'm a fan of Warhammer 40k, but I've been struggling to play it. I often get upset when things don't go my way in the game and I have a massive losing streak that only makes me feel worse. Recently I've been trying to change my thought pattern so I focus more on interacting with people than on winning, but tonight was probably my worst moment.

I ended up having what felt like a massive anxiety attack. I was breathing really heavily, I kept freezing up whenever I tried to talk and struggled to get words out, my mind was racing uncontrollably, and I wanted to run away from the situation multiple times. This arose from a mix of doing badly in the game, realizing I was making mistakes that were costing me, being mad that I wasn't enjoying the game or focusing on socializing, being upset that I was having these feelings, and getting mad at myself for forgetting stuff. The worst part is my behavior was defiantly noticeable. I don't know what anyone there would say, but I'm worried I came off as a That Guy. Part of me wants to never go to that store again because how can I go back after how I behaved? Shouldn't everyone hate me?

I feel horrible that I acted this way and reverted back to my default behavior to its most extreme. My mind is a mix of being upset that I'm bad at the game and upset that I'm still getting upset about this stuff. I've considered quitting the game before and this really amplified those feelings. Why keep playing and wasting money if it keeps making me miserable? This isn't even my first post here talking about this problem. But despite all that I don't know if I want to stop. I enjoy building and painting models, and there are some Warhammer and Non-Warhammer ones I really want to get. And I really want to enjoy the game despite all this and I feel excited to play again for some strange reason.

I feel like the reason I struggle so much playing is the rules. It feels like there's just too much stuff for me to keep track of. Core game rules, my army rules, individual model rules, game type rules, primary objectives, and secondary objectives. I end up forgetting or not focusing on so many things, leading to me getting upset with myself for missing them. I also get upset the minute things look like they won't go my way or I messed up somewhere and I'm going to lose again. I know it's a game, but I hate feeling like I screwed up and now I'm going to lose again. There's also the feeling that I have to play as fast as possible so I don't annoy my opponent and we can get the game done in a reasonable amount of time.

I don't know what to do. Do I keep playing, only collect models, or give up the hobby entirely? Is there anything I can do to control my anxiety and help me remember game rules, strategies to keep calm, or to remind myself not to get worked up? My parents think I'm treating myself too harshly, how can I be nice to myself? It feels really hard for me to do that. Another option is to buy better models since I think a lot of people have better ones than I have, but I feel like I'm letting the bad parts of this hobby (wasting so much money on plastic models) win if I do that, and I feel like I can't buy some of these things with a clear conscious.

There were a lot of other things that contributed to my outburst as well, but I'm not sure if they're legit reasons to be upset or if I overexaggerated them. There's a lot to some of them, but I'll give you the short versions.

*My opponent, who I've known for a while, went from coming off as condescending before the game (the way he talked, told me to do stuff, and general vibe of not being interested in me gave me that idea) to trying to be nice by the end. Though his way of being nice felt like he was talking down on me even though I can tell he was trying to teach me how to play, but some of the stuff he was teaching was stuff I already knew, so that only added to my frustration towards him.
*I spent the whole night getting interrupted, which is one of my biggest pet peeves. At one point I tried talking to my opponent about some rule I was getting wrong and while I was trying to be like "I know this rule got changed, but it's written in the old way here, so let's discuss what we should do." he just interrupted me like "No, you can't do that. It was changed."
*I'm pretty sure I told him about this rule before hand, but I think he just dismissed me or didn't catch on to what I said. I'm debating if I should apologize about this so he doesn't think I was trying to cheat. I might apologize again about my behavior as well.
*Two other people came in, one is a guy I want to get closer to (A) and another is a guy who knew my opponent (B). B ended up starting a conversation on video games with the A that lasted the rest of the match and gave me no time to talk to him, while also causing me to become overstimulated trying to focus on the game while they were doing that in the background. Worse, my opponent got in on their conversation at some points when it was my turn, leading to him being like "Yeah just do your rolls. Anyway..." some times.
*I know it may be hypocritical since I wanted to talk to one of them, but this really annoyed me. I don't know if I should have tried to join in, like what I'm trying to do, but I felt like an odd man out.

 

[kriss72]

Sorry to hear about your exercise, but happy to see you sharing it here

I don't know about Warhammer but I can relate to many of the feelings/experiences you write about.

My first thought was, this being an evening event, how was your energy balance (spoon balance) going into the the event? I don't know about you, but if I'm low I'll have a tendency to be less understanding and seeing the world being more unfair.

The "anxiety like attack" you are writing about sounds like a really bad experience, but I think I get why you started to feel that way - again I can only speak of what I would need, but if it was me, I would need alone time to calm down when I could feel it comming, like take a break from the situation, I guess that could be a difficult thing to do...

I have had simelar experiences at work, like I discussing work-related things, sometimes I have had to ask for a time-out, nt's might not get why we need that, but at least I can get so overwhelmed that I do, I need to calm down and gather spoons before I can rejoin. Which might not happen the same day.

I like painting models too, it's more diorama style things thou - a few years ago I finally bought an airbrush after wishing for one since I was a teen, I'm very happy to have that added to my toolbox.

 

[Aspychata]

If something isn't working out, it's okay to step away, maybe find a hobby like something you wouldn't find yourself doing, like karate, or lifting weights, or swimming. Something you have an excellent chance of success. Trade out the negative experience for one that you can succeed at. Learn to play guitar, or piano. Go volunteer at a animal shelter, or legal aid office, or habit for humanity. Apply for a p/t job that looks interesting. Or start realizing you are stressing, coax yourself to quit the gaming if you can't get your emotions under control by counting to 10 and deep breathing, or hum, or tap your forehead. Anything to distract you.

 

[Misery]

Okay, I've got some thoughts on this, as someone who has been a gamer since forever and who is used to competitive stuff. I dont play Warhammer... video games and board games are my primary things... but still.

Firstly: Get another hobby. I dont mean that you NEED to quit this one. I mean get a second one, if you dont already have a second one. Why? Because being stuck in a rut... particularly an addictive rut... is one of the worst things you can do here. You know that kind of behavior that gets players shrieking at each other and flinging swear words left and right? This is a huge part of what causes them to do that. They get "stuck" to the game/games they're playing because they arent mixing in any other activities. Or, if they do have other hobbies, they arent doing those ENOUGH. Having a second hobby is great for your mental health, but it aint gonna do anything at all if you only do it like once every two months. Since you like Warhammer, have you tried board games? I dont mean like freaking Monopoly. I mean real, modern board games. You might get exactly the sort of experience you're actually looking for. And hey, there are absolutely minis involved. Well, not with every game, but with plenty. And the hobby is a big one... there's no shortage of people to meet and play with.

Second: To some degree, if you're going to play something like this (or video games, or board games), you ARE going to have to deal with jerk players. Like the sort that will hold random conversations with others instead of focusing. For what it's worth, you arent alone in getting frustrated with the type of player you describe. With board games for instance, if you act like the guy who you described, you get kicked out of the group, in most cases. So... yeah, it's pretty normal to get frustrated when other players are acting the way you described, or just doing things that ruin the experience for others. It's also normal to want other players at the table to, you know, stick to the bloody game. You arent being "that guy" by wanting your opponent to do that.

Remember something else though, with that: When you run into someone who has some sort of bad behavior, or bad manners, or is just in general ruining the experience, you cant really change that. You cannot control their behavior. Trying to do so usually just results in more trouble and more stress. What you CAN control though is YOUR response. Someone's acting like a snot? Trying to tell them to "hey just focus" or something like that aint gonna do much. Like I said, behavior like what you described traditionally just gets you outright booted. So... do exactly that. Boot them, so to speak. Be like, hey, if you arent going to play and follow proper ettiquete and stuff like that... I'm gonna go find someone else who will. It's less stressful to you, and it makes an actual point to them, often the only sort they'll listen to. Eventually though, you'll run into another, and that's just how it goes.

Three: When it comes to any sort of competitive hobby, or something like that, there's one rule that it universal to all of them: Practice, practice, practice. However you might be able to do so. And learn more. With Warhammer, there are ways to play it online, and stuff like that. Yes it's not the same experience. But the point is to get practice, and you can do it that way without having to go all the way to the store or deal ONLY with whoever is at said store, making it easier to do. You want to make less mistakes? Have better strategies? Have a really great handle on the rules, even the loopy ones? This is how you do it. Heck, even just get some practice by yourself. Set up some of your stuff at home, in different configurations that you might encounter, and play both sides. Yes, it seems silly at first to do. But it absolutely works, and you can learn more than you might think from this.

Four: Remember what this hobby ACTUALLY is. Warhammer is not meant to give you a spectacular gaming experience with a well designed game. It's meant to get you to buy more and more and more figures/models and paints and give the company behind it money. It's downright infamous for that. That's part of why you run into these sorts of frustrations, because the game seriously is just not designed to be something that DOESNT give those frustrations. Heck, this is one of the ways they get more money out of you: get you frustrated and feeling like you can never win, but oh hey, maybe you MIGHT win if you buy a better army, gee whiz, time to give the company more money. That's what it is designed to do, and I guarantee you, the rules are part of that design. I aint saying you cant play it and have fun, or that it's bad to like it. But be entirely honest about your hobbies, as that's a key step in having a healthy relationship with said hobby, and keeping it from causing you trouble.

Five: Try to keep in mind one very specific thing, in this or in any game, or any competitive thing, or any hobby, or any activity where there is a "success" state and a "fail" state: You cannot win them all. Whether you're the best at it or a total newbie, you ARE going to lose, you ARE going to make goofy mistakes, and so on. But you can actually learn much more from a defeat, than you can from a victory. IF you allow yourself to do so. If you get all agitated every time it happens, you aint gonna get better at it. But if you treat any loss as a learning experience, you'll notice you improve much easier as time goes on.

Six: Did I mention that it's healthy to have more than one hobby/activity to do?

Seven: TAKE BREAKS. Go for a walk! Or whatever! Get some sun! Have some days that are all about getting exercise, or going to a movie, or just OTHER THINGS. Variation matters, I'm always repeating that to everyone, and I'm gonna keep doing so. It's a lesson I had to learn the very hard way.