I have decided my mother is a narcissist.

[Metalhead]

A few years ago, I was at the family Christmas gathering, and my mother and child molester aunt both decided it would be a great idea to force four generations of family to play Truth or Dare with each other. When I told my mother I had a problem with that, her exact words were “Sit down, shut up, you’re playing.” She then during this game outed me as a gay men to people I was keeping that hidden from, and I saw the disgust in their faces. She also giggled her ass off the while encouraging the two most homophobic men in the room to rub noses with each other.

After this game, I pulled my mother aside and told her I had a problem with all of this. My mother responded by telling me it was about time that everybody found out I was gay. She also said the family would have played another round if I were not such a stick in the mud, and when I told her most of the people in the room were horrified at her and my aunt, she brushed it off by saying, “It’s who they are, they will get over it!”

My mother still brings this up today because she claims my anger at her came “out of nowhere”. She also says she would never tell me to “shut up”, despite the fact that she often told me those exact words in my life.

I need to cut her out of my life.

 

[Mary Terry]

Yes, I agree that you need to cut her out of your life. She sounds cruel, manipulative and mentally unstable. Can you get away from her?

 

[Rodafina]

The very premise of a group of multi generational family members playing Truth or Dare is already off putting to me. Strange game for that setting.

You know your reality, your history, and your experience in the world. Put a stop to the manipulation by trusting in yourself and those from whom you get support and encouragement for your hopes and goals.

 

[1ofakind]

It does sound like your mother could be a narcissist. In healing and deciding 'no contact', it is really important that a person understand how narcissistic abuse (Primarily severe emotional abuse, but often includes physical & sexual abuse, too) works and the impact it has had. Otherwise, a person is likely to unconsciously continue the resulting negative patterns and thinking even away from the main source (Such as your mother).

If you do go no contact and your mother is a true narcissist, you need to prepare yourself for an even bigger smear campaign along with anything from turning remaining family against you to sending those she has duped (Called flying monkeys) into trying to pull you back. Narcissists need supply and while breaking away is critical to long-term health and healing, it is often not an easy, quick fix.

I don't know how well educated you are about narcissistic abuse, but please don't hesitate to ask if you would like more information.

 

[tree]

This isn't a new realization for you, @Metalhead.
https://www.autismforums.com/threads/my-relationship-with-a-narcissistic-mother.29773/
Looks like you are saying you've known this for sometime, and
are trying to align your behavior with the thoughts you have
surrounding this person.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

A few years ago, I was at the family Christmas gathering, and my mother and child molester aunt both decided it would be a great idea to force four generations of family to play Truth or Dare with each other. When I told my mother I had a problem with that, her exact words were “Sit down, shut up, you’re playing.” She then during this game outed me as a gay men to people I was keeping that hidden from, and I saw the disgust in their faces. She also giggled her ass off the while encouraging the two most homophobic men in the room to rub noses with each other.

After this game, I pulled my mother aside and told her I had a problem with all of this. My mother responded by telling me it was about time that everybody found out I was gay. She also said the family would have played another round if I were not such a stick in the mud, and when I told her most of the people in the room were horrified at her and my aunt, she brushed it off by saying, “It’s who they are, they will get over it!”

My mother still brings this up today because she claims my anger at her came “out of nowhere”. She also says she would never tell me to “shut up”, despite the fact that she often told me those exact words in my life.

I need to cut her out of my life.

You should do it.
My mother is a broken unwell person but she still often manages to be heinous to me when she can and I have noticed she can get jealous of me at times.
I do not know but mothers jealous of their daughter's is the worse thing ever.
Often at times I think if she got well, she would just start complaining at me again.
It is like if only takes a moment of wellness.
I treat her well and love her for who she is but I cannot mother her. And that could be a difficulty in our relationship.
However she has really broken my heart because I an like she,should be treating me with dignity and compassion and love like the princess I am. She should be treating me like a beautiful lovely woman.
And she should not ever treat me with jealousy.
She has broken my heart but her heart is also broken so I should try to have some empathy.
However it is hard to have empathy when they can easily revert.
But I still will try.
Our parents may have their reasons but we can break ties with them until they grow up or God sorts them out.
A toxic mother is the worse.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

It does sound like your mother could be a narcissist. In healing and deciding 'no contact', it is really important that a person understand how narcissistic abuse (Primarily severe emotional abuse, but often includes physical & sexual abuse, too) works and the impact it has had. Otherwise, a person is likely to unconsciously continue the resulting negative patterns and thinking even away from the main source (Such as your mother).

If you do go no contact and your mother is a true narcissist, you need to prepare yourself for an even bigger smear campaign along with anything from turning remaining family against you to sending those she has duped (Called flying monkeys) into trying to pull you back. Narcissists need supply and while breaking away is critical to long-term health and healing, it is often not an easy, quick fix.

I don't know how well educated you are about narcissistic abuse, but please don't hesitate to ask if you would like more information.

Wow I hate narcissistic personalities, I bet a lot of autistics would not be this way. Why would people be born this way just to annoy the rest of us or take advantage of the good hearted? Well that is hard, it really hurts when it keeps happening.
Wow I am sick that there are such toxic people it makes me sad and breaks my heart.
I have no idea where I got my altruism from, none of my family members or close relatives are like that. I was born a black sheep, like the kindest heart ever and I have never met many people like that in this day and age, what is wrong with the world? Makes me feel like a loner and an outcast.
And I know that there are altruists too as well as good hearted so they make others happy and give to others in the world and make the world a better place and teach others how to be better and kinder.

 

[AdamG]

Your best bet is to just get her out of your life, if that is at all possible. You deserve so much better.

 

[Luca]

It does sound like your mother could be a narcissist. In healing and deciding 'no contact', it is really important that a person understand how narcissistic abuse (Primarily severe emotional abuse, but often includes physical & sexual abuse, too) works and the impact it has had. Otherwise, a person is likely to unconsciously continue the resulting negative patterns and thinking even away from the main source (Such as your mother).

If you do go no contact and your mother is a true narcissist, you need to prepare yourself for an even bigger smear campaign along with anything from turning remaining family against you to sending those she has duped (Called flying monkeys) into trying to pull you back. Narcissists need supply and while breaking away is critical to long-term health and healing, it is often not an easy, quick fix.

I don't know how well educated you are about narcissistic abuse, but please don't hesitate to ask if you would like more information.

This is great advice, I have had to go no-contact with almost my entire extended family (several of whom are extremely, extremely abusive and likely also narcissistic, and probably even sociopathic.)

I hope you can get away from your mother, she is not worth having in your life and you deserve to be happy, safe, and not have disgusting homophobic people in your life. Cutting off my homophobic, abusive, manipulative aunts and uncles and cousins was life-changing for me.

But yes, be prepared for a huge smear campaign, because my family is STILL trying to do that to me, and they are even still trying to manipulate my parents.

I believe 100% that you are strong and brave and clever enough to overcome this. I'm here if you need me.

 

[AdamG]

I took a year away from any contact w/ my mom. I live a 9 hour drive away and I STILL had to do that. Phone and email was just too much. Last straw, was when she email-screamed at me for not calling my dad on Father's Day - which I did - Twice! But he was in medical discomfort, so never told her. And I got a virtual earful.
.
So I was done. Had a breakdown w/ her by email and just shut her off. She had my dad, and my sisters, beg me to talk to her. Nope. Not until I was ready. And I was, still haven't seen her since, a few phone calls that have actually gone pretty well. But that's that. She still begs me to come visit her, but nope. No way. Not happening.
.
So it really does help, at least for me, to get away. If you can make it happen, and she doesn't harass you (which is a possibility, make sure she can't find you) it will help you.

 

[Judge]

Yeah it seems a few of us have suggested that to you before. Not much else to say.

It's up to you as to whether or not you choose to eliminate toxic influences from your social orbit, even when it is your own kin. Something I know well in struggling with my own brother and cousin. Essentially who make up the last in my real life social circle.

Never an easy thing to deal with, in terms of how much of a pounding we choose to tolerate from our own blood.

I was lucky, I tended to get along ok with my father, and fabulously with my mother. But others, not so much.

 

[AdamG]

omg, not to hijack this thread, but it STILL pisses me off that she had the nerve to yell at me. First of all, not only did I call twice (the first time he was in pain and could not talk) but she never even asked HIM if I had called. Second, it is FATHERS DAY, last time I checked mom, you had a uterus. Not your day!!! Dad did NOT complain, as I did call him. What the <expletive deleted>??? Anyway, sorry if this is a hijack, but it still gets my blood boiling.

 

[Metalhead]

Yeah, a couple of days after that Christmas gathering, I told my mother over the phone that she could not just tell me to sit down and shut up every time she wanted to violate my boundaries. My mother followed that up with a blatant lie by telling me she would never tell me to shut up. I hung up on her. Five minutes later, she showed up at my doorstep, acting hysterical, claiming I was hurting her. I told her I had boundaries and I was going to enforce them now. She ran off crying. Then a few hours later, she called me and she asked me if I had went off my antidepressant medications. I wanted to slap her in the face when she did that.

My AA friends at that time gave me the worst advice imaginable. They told me that because I was an alcoholic, I was immediately the biggest asshole in the situation, and that we don't cut out family in this program.

 

[Metalhead]

I remember when I first stopped drinking, I invited my mother and stepfather over to my apartment for a spaghetti dinner. My mother wanted to bring over a bottle of red wine. I told her no. She did not want to accept that, and she decided to make a big deal out of how I did not want any alcohol in my house. I held my ground.

A few months later, I slipped in my sobriety. I had a one day slip. My mother found out about this, and then she was like, 'Apparently, since you are drinking again, I think you owe me an apology for not letting me bring over a bottle of wine that one day. You made me feel like I was a monster."

She really sees nothing wrong with any of this.

 

[AdamG]

Yeah, a couple of days after that Christmas gathering, I told my mother over the phone that she could not just tell me to sit down and shut up every time she wanted to violate my boundaries. My mother followed that up with a blatant lie by telling me she would never tell me to shut up. I hung up on her. Five minutes later, she showed up at my doorstep, acting hysterical, claiming I was hurting her. I told her I had boundaries and I was going to enforce them now. She ran off crying. Then a few hours later, she called me and she asked me if I had went off my antidepressant medications. I wanted to slap her in the face when she did that.

My AA friends at that time gave me the worst advice imaginable. They told me that because I was an alcoholic, I was immediately the biggest asshole in the situation, and that we don't cut out family in this program.

Good job on respecting your boundaries. Of course she acted out, as she's narcissistic. That is totally on her, and if you continue respecting your boundaries and sticking up for yourself, she may just back off a little bit. Probably badmouth you to everyone she can, too, out of "love and concern". But if you want to stay in touch with any of those people, you still can, and they know both her and you. It is not in your control what she does, only how you react. So stay distant as best you can, is what I would do. And try not to let her outbursts get to you, especially in front of her.
.
And remember that you are indeed loved by people who actually want to support you.

 

[AdamG]

I also want to say, I have had some serious issues with alcohol as well. And there is nothing worse, no matter if I was drinking at the time or not (and I did stop cold turkey for some periods of time, but drank at other periods of time, when this happened, so it didn't matter). Getting asked "Are you drinking again?" because I said something emotional, or was overloaded and stuttering, or whatever. So infuriating. If I wasn't drinking when asked, it made me want to immediately. So rude.

 

[Metalhead]

Yeah, and also seeing as her response to me telling her I was sexually abused as a child was to tell people that she read a scientific study about people who believed in all their hearts and souls they were sexually abused but the abuse did not actually happen….. then she tells me stories about women who were brutally raped but at least they were strong enough to be in the same room with their rapists - this was when I told her I was not going to family gatherings where my molester aunt and uncle were present. And I had to hear from my stepfather that my refusal to be around my aunt and uncle was emotional blackmail and a load of crap.

My mother has built an image of herself in my family as the perfect autism mother. Always willing to fight for my well being. Despite the fact that she always told people to never take a single word I said seriously because I have autism.

Nobody in my blood family is on my side.

 

[1ofakind]

Yeah, and also seeing as her response to me telling her I was sexually abused as a child was to tell people that she read a scientific study about people who believed in all their hearts and souls they were sexually abused but the abuse did not actually happen….. then she tells me stories about women who were brutally raped but at least they were strong enough to be in the same room with their rapists - this was when I told her I was not going to family gatherings where my molester aunt and uncle were present. And I had to hear from my stepfather that my refusal to be around my aunt and uncle was emotional blackmail and a load of crap.

My mother has built an image of herself in my family as the perfect autism mother. Always willing to fight for my well being. Despite the fact that she always told people to never take a single word I said seriously because I have autism.

Nobody in my blood family is on my side.

In narcissistic family systems, the narcissistic parent or parents must discredit, belittle, and invalidate the truth-teller in the family in order to maintain their facade of being a wonderful person. This keeps victims from being believed and allows the abuse to continue. It is a typical narcissistic pattern also meant to isolate the victim from support and keep him or her under control.

Narcissistic family systems often operate like a cult. While the scapegoat and/or truth-teller sees what is going on, others follow the narcissistic abuser loyally. Not having any family on your side is typical of these systems which is sad and disheartening. This is why many who walk away from the main narcissist lose the rest of the family as well. But, if that happens, the rest of the family was never really there for you to begin with.

Most people do not fully grasp these family dynamics because they never lived it or are not educated about how these systems work. But other scapegoats from narcissistic family systems will recognize what you are going through because it has a similar, predictable pattern.

 

[AdamG]

Narcissists are great at playing the victim. It only works insofar as it is believed.

 

[Metalhead]

I am aware of my mother’s games she loves to play with me. She often tells me the most outrageous lies and gaslighting statements, and then she tries to get an angry reaction out of me so she can turn around and play the role of the martyr. She really is sick.