I have no idea how to be a girlfriend

[Jane Smith]

Hello all,

[Content warning! I talk about some dark topics]

So, I have been seeing this guy for a year now, but things were not super serious. We were very good friends, and would talk to each other every couple weeks. However, the talks were pretty brief, which was fine. Neither one of us are super talkative, and he is pretty busy.

However, recently, I confessed my feelings for him, and our relationship is shifting to something more serious. He agreed to go on a date with me on Thursday. I am extremely nervous, but happy.

I have never had a boyfriend before. I have never had a serious date. This is mostly because I am a sexual assault survival. I was raised in a family where my father was a rapist. I was told from a very very young age that no one would ever love me, and if they did love me, it would only be for sex. So, that's how I thought most relationships functioned for a long time.

John, who is Aspie, is not like this at all, and I don't know to interact with him. I know the easy answer is "Be yourself!", but how do I do that? At times I feel like I come off "cold" or like I don't like someone. I am not trying to be cold. I just don't know how to act in healthy, romantic relationships. I always just think I am being annoying.

John likes constant validation, and likes talking to me even if it's for a couple minutes at a time. However, I don't know how to talk to him. That sounds stupid. Again, we've been friends for years. It's pretty normal for you to want your partner to talk to you. But, I have no idea!

I have been thinking about our date on Thursday pretty hard. I want to have a good time, but I don't know how to have a good time. I don't know how to talk to him in a way that "Yes! This is a date. We're having flirty fun!" without appearing cold or inappropriate.

For our first date, I was thinking of bringing a card game? Mostly because he actually really likes them. He's not much of a talker, so I figured that might be a good way of breaking the ice? Maybe?? I don't know.

Aahhh!! I am clueless! Hahaha!

Anyway, what do you guys think? Do you like card games? How was your first date like? What are some things your partner does that you like? Do you like it when your partner check up on you?

Note: I would also appreciate it if this post was not featured on the site. I have a family member, who sadly, knows about this site. The last time I was featured, they confronted me.

 

[Bolletje]

I think that as far as “being yourself” goes, I’d try to mostly act like you’ve been acting around him all along. He likes you for the way you’ve been so far, right? Don’t freak out too much about what you should be acting like. Forget romantic comedies and advice from Cosmo.
If you both like card games, I think that sounds like a wonderful idea for a first date. I never really went on a first date, my relationships developed rather atypically, so I can’t give any examples there
Best of luck, don’t get too worked up, and remember to have fun!

 

[Tom]

Yeah doing something together that occupies you mostly is a good idea. Helps prevent uncomfortable silences. Its not really unusual. Lots of people are into games and enjoy them.

P.S. I don't believe there is any magic one way to be a girlfriend. It can come in a great variety of ways and forms. The main thing is trying to establish a mutual satisfaction with the relationship. Its a 50/50 thing, a partnership. Keep that in sight from the beginning and make sure he does too.

 

[BraidedPony]

He might be worried about the same things you are! I wouldnt expect flirting on a first date, but i was raised in a different time.
How about calling him and asking him what would be fun to do? You could decide together and that would take the pressure off both of you. If you decide on cards, you bring the cards and he could provide the snacks.

 

[OlLiE]

1. you guys have known each other for a year, so you know you get along
2. you guys both agreed to a date, so you know there is a common interest in seeing if the relationship can progress

flirting is mainly for getting to the date part, it sounds like you may already be past the hardest part

so it doesn't sound like you need to do anything special from a practical sense

maybe it would be useful to talk about how you feel about him and why you want to move the relationship further, it gives him the chance et do the same

rome wasn't built in a day, and neither are romantic relationships, there is no rush

 

[jacinto]

Cards work! My first real GFstarted out by inviting me over & then she pulled out a deck of cards & taught me Gin (which I'd never played before or since). It was an easy way to get comfortable with each other - we dated for 2 years.

Also: "John likes constant validation, and likes talking to me even if it's for a couple minutes at a time..." You may find yourself getting more & more exhausted by this at some point. Not now while it's all new, but eventually maybe. Personally, I'd have to have a serious breakthrough with any partner like that where I somehow got them to understood that even though I'm in it 100%, I just CANNOT do the constant back & forth thing or I'll die.

 

[MrSpock]

John likes constant validation, and likes talking to me even if it's for a couple minutes at a time. However, I don't know how to talk to him. That sounds stupid.

That doesn't sound stupid. It's an important thing to be able to admit, without which you can't learn how to talk to him effectively.

I suspect that most people like near constant validation, but we may have different ways of perceiving this. I suspect that most people in romantic relationships are capable of both giving and receiving this validation through non-verbal means which are not available to us, it is this lack that is perceived as coldness in the one direction (NTs tend to think of aspies as cold) and a distance created by lack of effective communication we cannot correct by ourselves (the aspie perspective). I suspect this is another manifestation of the same problem, non-verbal communication needs to be replaced by words which convey meaning according to dictionary definition, and those words need to be arranged within a common frame of reference.

You might want to mention this apparent coldness to him, that you're worried about it in both directions. Not in a blaming way, but in a way that acknowledges that you're aware that the feelings are deeper than is apparent, in a way that allows you both to work on it while knowing that communication is not ideal and you should both assume that giving each other the benefit of the doubt is the correct choice.

You might want to apply this to your interactions with others on this site too. Hostility isn't likely to be productive. You're being given the benefit of the doubt.

 

[Shamar]

Hello all,

[Content warning! I talk about some dark topics]

So, I have been seeing this guy for a year now, but things were not super serious. We were very good friends, and would talk to each other every couple weeks. However, the talks were pretty brief, which was fine. Neither one of us are super talkative, and he is pretty busy.

However, recently, I confessed my feelings for him, and our relationship is shifting to something more serious. He agreed to go on a date with me on Thursday. I am extremely nervous, but happy.

I have never had a boyfriend before. I have never had a serious date. This is mostly because I am a sexual assault survival. I was raised in a family where my father was a rapist. I was told from a very very young age that no one would ever love me, and if they did love me, it would only be for sex. So, that's how I thought most relationships functioned for a long time.

John, who is Aspie, is not like this at all, and I don't know to interact with him. I know the easy answer is "Be yourself!", but how do I do that? At times I feel like I come off "cold" or like I don't like someone. I am not trying to be cold. I just don't know how to act in healthy, romantic relationships. I always just think I am being annoying.

John likes constant validation, and likes talking to me even if it's for a couple minutes at a time. However, I don't know how to talk to him. That sounds stupid. Again, we've been friends for years. It's pretty normal for you to want your partner to talk to you. But, I have no idea!

I have been thinking about our date on Thursday pretty hard. I want to have a good time, but I don't know how to have a good time. I don't know how to talk to him in a way that "Yes! This is a date. We're having flirty fun!" without appearing cold or inappropriate.

For our first date, I was thinking of bringing a card game? Mostly because he actually really likes them. He's not much of a talker, so I figured that might be a good way of breaking the ice? Maybe?? I don't know.

Aahhh!! I am clueless! Hahaha!

Anyway, what do you guys think? Do you like card games? How was your first date like? What are some things your partner does that you like? Do you like it when your partner check up on you?

Note: I would also appreciate it if this post was not featured on the site. I have a family member, who sadly, knows about this site. The last time I was featured, they confronted me.

In a certain sense, you are in the same boat as an Aspie. Most of us don't have a clue how to interact socially. Assume your boyfriend is in the same situation. A card game might be a good idea. It can keep your minds off the fact that you are both clueless. Best of luck on your date.

I was abused as a child, and when I here stories like yours it makes my blood boil.

 

[Jane Smith]

Cards work! My first real GFstarted out by inviting me over & then she pulled out a deck of cards & taught me Gin (which I'd never played before or since). It was an easy way to get comfortable with each other - we dated for 2 years.

Also: "John likes constant validation, and likes talking to me even if it's for a couple minutes at a time..." You may find yourself getting more & more exhausted by this at some point. Not now while it's all new, but eventually maybe. Personally, I'd have to have a serious breakthrough with any partner like that where I somehow got them to understood that even though I'm in it 100%, I just CANNOT do the constant back & forth thing or I'll die.

Oh no I don't mean constant validation in a needy way. How do I explain...

So, I lived in a very toxic dysfunctional household growing up. It was so horrible I got PTSD from it. For the past 10 years I've been in pretty intense therapy to re-adapt to the normal world. I was taught several things when I lived in my parent's house:

1. No one would love me. I was very horrible unlikable person. No body would ever love me. If someone did it would only be for sex. So, I had to make sure sex was on the table. [John, however, is not sexual. If I put sex on the table he would freak out]

2. No one cares about what I have to say. My parents don't know anything about me. At all. They can't even remember my birthday. Any personal information about me just isn't important.

3. I am very forgettable. If I told parents information about me about school or life, they would forget it. Mostly because, again, it wasn't important.

So, when I say he wants to talk to me, or likes hearing from me, I mean that in a normal way. Like, he likes it when I say hello every once in a while. Or send him a video. Does that make sense?

I think the way I worded it was confusing. xD

 

[Jane Smith]

You guys have some very very good points. i guess because I was raised in a toxic environment, my mind transitions to a warped place when it comes to a "date" or becoming romantic/sexual with someone. Like I think "Okay, now I have to act and do specific things or he won't like me". That or I over analyze my actions. I think I am being too clingy and annoying even though I am not being clingy or annoying.

He is also very shy, so we might be in the same boat. I wouldn't be surprised.

What we've been doing lately is talking on twitter. He'll post things I like and I post things he likes. That seems to be working for the most part. xD

And okay! I will ask him what he wants to do on our date and see what he says.

 

[Shamar]

You guys have some very very good points. i guess because I was raised in a toxic environment, my mind transitions to a warped place when it comes to a "date" or becoming romantic/sexual with someone. Like I think "Okay, now I have to act and do specific things or he won't like me". That or I over analyze my actions. I think I am being too clingy and annoying even though I am not being clingy or annoying.

He is also very shy, so we might be in the same boat. I wouldn't be surprised.

What we've been doing lately is talking on twitter. He'll post things I like and I post things he likes. That seems to be working for the most part. xD

And okay! I will ask him what he wants to do on our date and see what he says.

Most of us autistics (when we finally come to terms with autism) have learned that pretending to be something we are not (NT) usually leads to disaster, or at least massive problems. I assume the same applies to NTs, especially to you because of your life growing up. You don't have to act a certain way or do certain things unless that is who you are and what you want to do. Just be yourself, whoever that is. If it works out, great. If it doesn't work out, it was never meant to be. Don't try to force it, especially with an aspie.

 

[Jane Smith]

Most of us autistics (when we finally come to terms with autism) have learned that pretending to be something we are not (NT) usually leads to disaster, or at least massive problems. I assume the same applies to NTs, especially to you because of your life growing up. You don't have to act a certain way or do certain things unless that is who you are and what you want to do. Just be yourself, whoever that is. If it works out, great. If it doesn't work out, it was never meant to be. Don't try to force it, especially with an aspie.

Very wise! Okay, I will keep these words to heart. Thank you! You have some very very good points.