I have something I'd like to share

[Xinyta]

'There was a boy who had no friends. Felt isolated. He was writing letters to himself as part a exercise his psychologist recommended to him. He had one of those letter with him at school one day and a bully, who has no friends either, decided to pick on him and stole his letter from him. This bully a later on took his own life. The grieving parents of the bullying child found the boy's letter on the Billy's person. And assumed this boy was the only friend the bully had. The parent talking to the boy told him what happened and that they found the letter on him. The boy lies and says that it's true that the bully is his friend. For a time, it felt good for him to be seen. To be known. A sense if happiness in having others. Though, in the end. The boy later on realized he eventually will have to come clean to the Billy's parents. But he was afraid to. He didn't want to show who he is. Who he is, according to him, was a friendless, miserable, broken person. Full of broken parts. How would the parents respond to the truth? How would they feel about seeing the true him?'

We all suffer. We all have pains we want to hide. But because we are seeing these negative things. We are obscuring our secret identity. Who we all really are. Our true identities are the same as God's. Love. For we are made in his image. And are made to become like him.

Now why am I saying all this?

The reason is simple, but, for me especially, complicated. I fear showing love out of the expectation of being hurt and left behind.

I wanted to love my grandparents that took care of me, while my Dad got his life together. But I was scared I would thrown away again. A belief and a delusion I kept with with me. Knowing I am without a mother hurt me a lot deeper than I knew.

It became worse when I started living with my Stepmother and Dad. I not only did I fear to try loving her. I feared her wrath. Her unbridled anger. My Dad never being present for very long made it feel like he didn't care about me. It fed this belief that those that I want to love will always leave me. This became twisted as time went on and evolved onto getting attention. 'Attention means they love me'. But it also affected how I looked other people in life. That I cannot be open about anything. For fear that my parents would disown me and I would be judged by everyone else. Another layer was added with my silbing's birth. Jealousy of all the attention they got. Despising them for existing because my parents put more into them, than me. At least my Stepmother did.

All this built up into a tormenting bubble, cage, cell... whatever you'd like to call it. Perpetual self-blame for failing to be what others wanted. Yet blaming everyone for being horrible to me. Not realizing that it was no one else's doing but my own for my mentality. My faulty beliefs. Even now I find myself at odds with the enemy. My own mentality. The kid. My Psychosis. A state of many names. But one mission.

There is one word to describe how I feel right now: Free. Like I just dropped the biggest boulder off my back. Dropping the weight tied around my neck. Breaking the chains that bound.

All I feel now is calm. I can do this.

 

[tree]

I remember the story about the boy and the bully.

What I don't remember is where it's from/who wrote it.

 

[velociraptor]

Our true identities are the same as God's. Love. For we are made in his image. And are made to become like him.

Maybe you are. I'm not. I reject fairy tales. Sorry. Otherwise, I'm glad you're feeling some relief.

 

[Aspychata]

We are truly our own worst enemies. To turn off the negative reel of false narratives, will give you freedom you have never known. Everyone fails at something or other, once you realize that, that you become more accepting of those around you and less concerned about yourself.

 

[Boogs]

Maybe you are. I'm not. I reject fairy tales. Sorry. Otherwise, I'm glad you're feeling some relief.

To be fair though, we all live on our own selected fairy tales. I can cry out that logic and evidence point one particular way for me, to imagine I have to be completely right, and no other p.o.v. could be relevant would be to close my mind to something new that doesn't fit in my current thoughts on a matter? Right and wrong are relative really (and I'm atheist if it makes any difference as to where I'm coming from).

 

[AprilR]

I think our childhood and parental figures shape the way we show love and interact with other people. My counselor told me, that even when we are looking for a partner, we tend to look for characteristics our parents had.

It took a lot of therapy and also faith (for me also) to accept myself and the faults of both myself and my parents for me. To see my parents as faulty human beings, not some omnipotent being. And it was very freeing.

I am glad that you are becoming self aware and feeling freer also. I even think you are a tad harsh on yourself, regardless of how you behaved and your coping mechanisms it is clear that you had a hard childhood also.

 

[Xinyta]

I remember the story about the boy and the bully.

What I don't remember is where it's from/who wrote it.

I heard it from one of Father Mike's audio homily sermons through the Hallow app. Granted the story is a bit altered. As both the characters in the story have names. I don't remember them. Plus I am telling it as I remember it. So it may very well be not verbatim.

Maybe you are. I'm not. I reject fairy tales. Sorry. Otherwise, I'm glad you're feeling some relief.

Sheath your sword, for I have not unsheathed mine. I speak out of my growing faith in demonstration, not in the expectation of reciprocation of faith from others.

To be fair though, we all live on our own selected fairy tales. I can cry out that logic and evidence point one particular way for me, to imagine I have to be completely right, and no other p.o.v. could be relevant would be to close my mind to something new that doesn't fit in my current thoughts on a matter? Right and wrong are relative really (and I'm atheist if it makes any difference as to where I'm coming from).

I agree. We all do have our own ideas, interpretations, and beliefs. None align in the same exact ways. Most do not align at all. Some align in ways that help both us as individuals, as well as others. Whether any of us believe in a God or not. There is fundamental functions of how we interact with each other. How we see the world. What we believe. How we determine morality in ourselves. How we see other people around us. It all colors the individual worlds we all live.

While many things are constructs of our own minds. There are somethings that are merely in our nature, no matter how we justify it.

 

[velociraptor]

Sheath your sword, for I have not unsheathed mine. I speak out of my growing faith in demonstration, not in the expectation of reciprocation of faith from others.

Glad you're used to disappointment.