I have to not take what they do personally

[SimonSays]

By 'they', I mean the people in this house who do things the way they do. I have to avoid feeling like it's being done to me, personally.

Banging doors when they don't have to. Leaving lights on when there's no need. Not closing the kitchen door when cooking, letting smells out which end up in my room. Little things like that bother me. I know they shouldn't, and I never reveal that they do; in my experience no good will come from making an issue, and being bothered by it seems more about me than it ought to be, certainly than it used to be. These things shouldn't be an issue, and yet they are.

Today, early this morning, when I was in the kitchen having breakfast, I noticed my neighbour’s kettle was warm, meaning one of the other housemates who'd already left for work must've used it. I knew she wouldn't like that. She doesn't like people touching her things. She happened to be up unusually early otherwise she wouldn't have noticed. Several hours later she sent everyone a message via the ‘group WhatsApp’ saying whoever used the kettle, please don’t.

It wasn't me. I've never used her kettle. I have a good idea who it was though. It's not a big deal. She even said that in her text. But I almost had to stop myself from saying it wasn't me. I certainly wouldn't say who I thought it was, but there was a part of me that wanted to. Just to make it clear it wasn't me. I don't like being thought of as somebody who might have done something he didn't do.

Even though I didn't use it, I still felt a little guilty, because I knew it had been used. How did I know? I couldn't have known without having touched it. I doubt she would have liked the fact that I had. I don't know why I did. So in a way, even though I didn't use it, I still did something wrong, at least in her eyes.

I am someone who does things that can get him into trouble. The fact that I usually get away with it doesn't help me stop doing it, even though I know I shouldn't. And if I get away with something this time, then in a sense, life sort of balances things up if I’m ever thought to have done something I didn't do, next time.

I'd prefer to be a person who doesn't do those things, and I have been aware of it and am a lot better. But I still touch things, move things, even occasionally use things if I don't have them. I'm not supposed to without at least asking first. It sort of doesn't matter at the time, and yet it does. I've always been someone for whom seeking forgiveness is better than asking permission.

Those things they do that bother me, are not all that different to those things I do that could bother them. The difference is...they don't know I do what I do, only I do.

There is a part of me that would be OK using her kettle if I needed to, as long as I know I can do so without her noticing. I don't have a kettle, but it's okay to use another housemates kettle as they wouldn't mind. It's just a kettle after all. I never drink tea or coffee so never use a kettle anyway.

I don't like people using my things, and if I ever notice someone has used some of my washing-up liquid and my sponge, it can bother me, for a bit, until I let it go. It can seem like the usual rules don't always apply to me. It's something I've had issues with all my life.

 

[SimonSays]

The issue is one of mental narrative.

If I decide that what someone does isn't something they should do, it creates an issue in me that wouldn't be there if I didn't decide that.

The experience I have when a door is banged could be alleviated by me asking for the door to be closed more gently. But what happens if it happens again? Do I have to ask again? What if they're closing the door with their hands full of plates and a cup of tea and need to use their foot, the door might bang, completely legitimately, and perhaps that's why it bangs in the first place.

If I judge someone’s actions as wrong, I suffer. Whereas if I just accept the door bangs sometimes, which is over in an instant and I carry on doing what I'm doing without having to create a narrative around it, it isn't a problem anymore.

It's better for me if it isn't a problem than trying to have the world around me affect me as little as possible.

It's a question of freedom too. I shouldn't interfere with the way people do things. I would much prefer someone be considerate than be considerate because they’re being constantly reminded of their inconsideration. And yet inconsideration is a mental narrative. It's judgement based. How things affect me now becomes someone else's fault and they have to change their ways so that I'm no longer affected. It might work sometimes but I can't be responsible for ensuring they only behave in a way that doesn't bother me.

When I was living with my family, I felt like I could impose my idea of how things should be so as to feel comfortable. At the time it seemed like it was important that I was and did not realise the effect doing so would have on them.

So it's similar here, only I don't feel I can be someone who attempts to control how other people behave. It is better that I find a way not to be bothered, which is me raising consciousness, and ultimately better for me as a person.

 

[An0maly_1976]

I have found that with sensory processing disorder (which seems to go hand-in-hand with ASD / Asperger's), it's really hard NOT to take things like this personally. I think it's hard for others, even ND or other ASD variants, to understand what an assault on the senses certain things really are. Even harder when the inconsistency of what bothers you and what does not in relation to Asperger's.

One thing I find interesting... I think for those of us with Asperger's, a typical part is that we simply don't notice when certain things need attention, and self-care, hygiene and such are some of those areas. Obviously, this results in others around you wondering why they need to tell you, but it's one of those things that I, at least, cannot explain. It's embarrassing in the moment others notice it and mention it, but otherwise it doesn't enter my mind or remain very long if it does.

On the other extreme, throughout my 20s, I developed allergies and respiratory issues that have gotten progressively worse from then on. Smoke, chemical smells, incense, perfumes, colognes, you name it, it bothers me. As in OP, even some smells from cooking bother me. Now, why would all that stuff bother me so easily and sharply, but I still can't really recognize when I should shower?

 

[Fino]

Perhaps allow yourself to feel as annoyed as your mind and body would like to be and observe that feeling without judging it as good or bad or as shouldn't be there or should be there.

 

[Au Naturel]

I have found that with sensory processing disorder (which seems to go hand-in-hand with ASD / Asperger's), it's really hard NOT to take things like this personally. I think it's hard for others, even ND or other ASD variants, to understand what an assault on the senses certain things really are. Even harder when the inconsistency of what bothers you and what does not in relation to Asperger's.

One thing I find interesting... I think for those of us with Asperger's, a typical part is that we simply don't notice when certain things need attention, and self-care, hygiene and such are some of those areas. Obviously, this results in others around you wondering why they need to tell you, but it's one of those things that I, at least, cannot explain. It's embarrassing in the moment others notice it and mention it, but otherwise it doesn't enter my mind or remain very long if it does.

On the other extreme, throughout my 20s, I developed allergies and respiratory issues that have gotten progressively worse from then on. Smoke, chemical smells, incense, perfumes, colognes, you name it, it bothers me. As in OP, even some smells from cooking bother me. Now, why would all that stuff bother me so easily and sharply, but I still can't really recognize when I should shower?

There are people who cannot smell body odor. They have to take it as a rule that they need use deodorant and to shower religiously because they can't tell by sniffing themselves. Used to work with a guy like that at Lockheed. Whew!

OTOH, few scents bother me unless they are strong enough to bother everyone. They are just information to be processed and then I stop noticing them. And as you become a "senior citizen," you don't need to wash up nearly as often. Your body isn't cranking out as much of those hormones and pheromones which bacteria like to eat to make that odor. Interestingly, Europe isn't as intolerant of body smell as the US.

Fresh sweat doesn't smell bad at all to me but stale sweat sure does.

I didn't have a clue about personal hygiene until 10th grade when a girl I had a real crush on took pity and explained it to me. (They made me her science lab partner. It was purely self defense.) Parents were useless. So was "health" class in school.

 

[SusanLR]

It's not what you do, it's what you get caught doing.

 

[An0maly_1976]

There are people who cannot smell body odor. They have to take it as a rule that they need use deodorant and to shower religiously because they can't tell by sniffing themselves. Used to work with a guy like that at Lockheed. Whew!

I didn't have a clue about personal hygiene until 10th grade when a girl I had a real crush on took pity and explained it to me. (They made me her science lab partner. It was purely self defense.) Parents were useless. So was "health" class in school.

Well, it's nice to know I'm not the only person struggling with this issue. I'm not proud of it, but having Asperger's combined with other issues (including childhood abuse and depression), I simply don't think about it, and as you've noted, perhaps don't even notice it myself.

Don't get me wrong, I don't go for weeks at a time to the point I smell like I live in a dumpster or something (I have encountered such individuals), but I'd be lying if I said I didn't struggle with it. And believe me, I understand what it might be like on the receiving end. And simply setting cell phone reminders and such are not likely to help, for two reasons.

One, my sleep pattern is all over the place, and two, on the days that I actually have the energy to try to function normally, it's full speed ahead and I don't even think about such things, so unless it's that alarm that wakes me... I'm not likely to remember it. It's quite frustrating to know that I can rarely keep anything in my mind long enough to act on it, no matter what it is. These days, even things I'm interested in fly out of my mind no sooner than I think about them.

Like I said, I just find the aforementioned discrepancy interesting. I think quite a few of us are going to have certain developmental and basic life skills that we will always struggle with, simply because our brain doesn't keep it in the forefront for very long, if at all. But it does suck that such a basic skill that is so key to interaction with others has to fall in with those.