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I just fired my 12 step sponsor.

Metalhead

Metalhead

Video game and movie addict. All for gay pride.
V.I.P Member
We got into an argument. I was saying I was happy my sexually abusive aunt and uncle was very ill because they caught COVID and they were too stupid to get vaccinated so now they are on death’s door. My sponsor told me I had no right to be that angry at them, since they are hurting human beings and it does not matter what they did to me, I should forgive them and pray for their recovery.

So, he joined the victim blaming bandwagon in my life.

Maybe I should pack my bags and move to the other side of the country. My entire blood family is toxic, and now my most recent 12 step sponsor has sided with my toxic blood family.

Yeah, I am beyond furious right now. I have every right to be angry at my blood family. They earned my disrespect.
 
Wow. Your sponsor got it wrong, nor are they there to tell you how to think about your experiences. Sponsors are often ordinary people who step up to try to be there for another person, but don't have much training or guidance. They may unfortunately revert to personal views, or to their own guiding beliefs. They may get caught up in their own, unworked through stuff.

My guess is that you are a bit more bright, articulate, and able to know your own mind and balance your ideas on this than most any sponsor you would have.

These abusive people who are at deaths door have forfeited any rights to be cared about by you.

It's still your right to choose to 'forgive' at some point, I suppose, whatever that would mean for you, but that would be if it's the right thing for you, and could be long after these vile people are dead.

Sorry this has been difficult and upsetting for you. Think your sponsors out of their depth.
 
Thinx said:
Wow. Your sponsor got it wrong, nor are they there to tell you how to think about your experiences. Sponsors are often ordinary people who step up to try to be there for another person, but don't have much training or guidance. They may unfortunately revert to personal views, or to their own guiding beliefs. They may get caught up in their own, unworked through stuff.

My guess is that you are a bit more bright, articulate, and able to know your own mind and balance your ideas on this than most any sponsor you would have.

These abusive people who are at deaths door have forfeited any rights to be cared about by you.

It's still your right to choose to 'forgive' at some point, I suppose, whatever that would mean for you, but that would be if it's the right thing for you, and could be long after these vile people are dead.

Sorry this has been difficult and upsetting for you. Think your sponsors out of their depth.
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Yeah, and for some odd reason, everybody in my blood family feels like they have a right to my empathy. Even after my aunt’s spectacularly selfish drug-induced statements at my grandmother’s funeral - she said, after my grandmother died a very painful death, “Well, at least she didn’t die from this cough I had last month!” And the family looks at that and tells me that she is seriously hurting and worthy of my grace. Forget that. She is getting worse. All she does is sit on her butt, watch trashy daytime talk shows, pop opiates as if they were candy, and keep her adult children in an emotionally stunted state so she actually is happy they are still living with her under her control even though both of them are over 30. And her husband enables all of this and is an abusive person on his own right.

Why do I have to be the only person in my family who is willing to call them out on their BS?
 
Honestly, my aunt has Münchausen syndrome that is so bad that she is willing to hop through dozens of doctors until she is willing to find one that will perform surgeries on her that she does not need. And she keeps her children close to her with all sorts of imaginary illnesses to try to milk pity from anybody she can. She has not worked a single day in the last three decades. All that matters to her is her narcissistic connection to her children, and her many pills. And it also should be mentioned that the only times I ever heard her or her husband laugh was when it was at somebody else’s painful expense.

These people contribute nothing to society. People from all spectrums of life should recognize their complete and utter lack of personal worth. They are genuine sadists and predators who only go after the easiest prey they can find - anybody who has any self respect is of no use to them whatsoever. It angers me that my tax dollars pay for my aunt’s neverending appetite for pills.

And the rest of the family enables this by claiming they are hurting and that we should not judge them because of their neverending river of sorrow. The rest of the family is playing right into their hands. They want people to feel sorry for them - they know they can get away with anything as long as the rest of the family joins in on their pity party.

All of this is utterly revolting to me.
 
Yeah, society expects us to show empathy, even when we aren't feeling it. You are honest about your feelings, most people aren't - empathy is just show/masking for a lot of people, they pretend empathy when they don't really feel it.
Your relationship to your aunt is personal to you, and nobody has the right to tell you how you should feel about it.
 
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To play devil’s advocate a bit:

A lack of empathy is one thing… sometimes it’s hard to feel for another, particularly when that other is somehow bad. That’s okay.

But to enjoy watching them suffer? No. Not the same thing. To do that is to sink down to the level of the very one you hate so much… hate and sadistic cruelty of that sort are the sort of thing that leads down the slippery slope that turns someone into… well, what you see in your aunt, for instance.

Wheras the concept of hope can take even the negative and alter or at least combat it. As I’ve witnessed many times in my own personal life.

Though, adding “forgiveness” to that last bit is going a bit too far… that’s an entirely different and separate thing.

My point is: If you can’t stand these people, hey, that’s fine. You dont exactly have to suddenly decide to see them as good people. But at the same time, dont sink down to their horrid level by giving in to that type of hate. You’re better than that.


That’s all how I interpret it, anyway.
 
Metalhead said:
We got into an argument. I was saying I was happy my sexually abusive aunt and uncle was very ill because they caught COVID and they were too stupid to get vaccinated so now they are on death’s door. My sponsor told me I had no right to be that angry at them, since they are hurting human beings and it does not matter what they did to me, I should forgive them and pray for their recovery.

So, he joined the victim blaming bandwagon in my life.

Maybe I should pack my bags and move to the other side of the country. My entire blood family is toxic, and now my most recent 12 step sponsor has sided with my toxic blood family.

Yeah, I am beyond furious right now. I have every right to be angry at my blood family. They earned my disrespect.
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I'm sending you so many virtual hugs right now. You have every right to feel that way, and it isn't okay for your sponsor or anyone else to invalidate this.

When my abuser died (around 10 years ago), I felt such relief. I had very little sympathy for him despite the pain he suffered before his death (his decline was not rapid or painless). I have had a lot of time to process his death since then, and I came to sympathize with what he went through as a child to ultimately become a monster. However, his adult self will never have my forgiveness or sympathies.

You seem like a sensitive and intelligent person, and there is nothing wrong with feeling these emotions. On the contrary, suppressing these sorts of emotions tends cause even more problems (there is actually a lot of peer review literature out there on the subject). We are not our emotions or our thoughts, and they are not something to be ashamed of. I think it is important that they are acknowledged.
 
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Metalhead said:
We got into an argument. I was saying I was happy my sexually abusive aunt and uncle was very ill because they caught COVID and they were too stupid to get vaccinated so now they are on death’s door. My sponsor told me I had no right to be that angry at them, since they are hurting human beings and it does not matter what they did to me, I should forgive them and pray for their recovery.

So, he joined the victim blaming bandwagon in my life.

Maybe I should pack my bags and move to the other side of the country. My entire blood family is toxic, and now my most recent 12 step sponsor has sided with my toxic blood family.

Yeah, I am beyond furious right now. I have every right to be angry at my blood family. They earned my disrespect.
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Ask for another sponsor ,they are obviously a very immature christian ,trying to help, but getting it wrong ,you need to tell the group organiser, AA meetings etc ,are not widely known, to say you need to be an immature christian to join.
 
I am glad you had the courage to give him the boot and find another sponsor quickly.

Recovery from trauma is a bit like an Autistic, everyones recovery is different but everyone will have some recovery traits / stages that are similar. And it is impossible to force ones self to experience a particular phase at a time that is convenient.

You will feel exactly what you feel right when you feel it. Those emotions and thoughts regarding our trauma and abusers will always be on time too.

I am 54 and I still have ptsd symptoms related to my childhood. Much, much less now, but every now again I will have a dream or break out in a sweat when my huband wants to hug me when I am by the stove.

There IS value in forgiveness. Forgiveness isn't for THEM. Your sponsor was wrong about that. Forgiveness is for you as gift to yourself.

The thing of it is no matter what your thoughts are your abuser is going to do what they do. Your angry thoughts aren't affecting them at all.

But you feel those angry thoughts. You feel them keenly. And that is the problem because those angry thoughts are like self inflicted abuse. Only YOU are hurt by those thoughts. It's like your abuser still has control.

I found a great deal of relief in mindfulness but it was a long road to get there. I hope you find something that works for you too because I really don't want your abusers to win.
 
Streetwise said:
Ask for another sponsor ,they are obviously a very immature christian ,trying to help, but getting it wrong ,you need to tell the group organiser, AA meetings etc ,are not widely known, to say you need to be an immature christian to join.
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I agree. A sponsor should tell you what they think of any situation you tell them but also need to be neutral and respect your own feelings. I’m not in AA myself but I do like the sitcom Mom and how they handle tough situations without victim blaming or saying you are completely wrong unless it is something that could lead to legal problems. I’m with you. If you aunt and uncle refused to get vaccinated and wear masks to protect themselves from Covid then that’s their own fault and they did bring upon themselves. And I think you have the right to be angry at them for being sexually abusive. You know what they did to you and how it affected you and no one has the right to tell you how to feel about your abusers especially if they never went through it themselves.
 
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tree said:
I didn't know there were secular 12 step-type programs.

Secular alternative 12 Steps: The Proactive Twelve Steps
https://americanaddictioncenters.org/therapy-treatment/12-step-alternatives
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There are, but I know they can be limited in places like the Bible Belt/Southeastern US. They are more common in big cities or less conservative areas.

I was lucky that I was able to get/stay sober without one of these programs. I think having a partner that got sober at the same time really helped! Neither of us are religious, and we would never attend a nonsecular meeting
 
Yeah, my sponsor went as far as to claim that my lack of willingness to forgive my aunt and uncle proved to him that I had a lack of willingness to recover from my addictions, which is BS. So, recovery means being a doormat and pretending everything they did was perfectly OK?
 
What is it with all the woman in your family? They all ride the narcissistic brooms and enslave any and all offspring. It's definitely generational abuse and it seems rampant.

Excuse me sponsor if l condone generational abuse. Off with your head. Lol
 
Aspychata said:
What is it with all the woman in your family? They all ride the narcissistic brooms and enslave any and all offspring. It's definitely generational abuse and it seems rampant.

Excuse me sponsor if l condone generational abuse. Off with your head. Lol
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Yeah, and my ex sponsor was telling me that since my aunt was abused when she was a child, that means I should forgive her for what she did to me and it makes everything she did OK, which is BS. Anybody who uses their neverending river of sorrow as an excuse to abuse others is truly beneath contempt.
 
My personal opinion on forgiveness is that it should be earned and not just given out because everyone tells you that you need to give it to everyone that has wronged you. Some people just don’t deserve it especially if what they did is extremely terrible and they never show any remorse for what they did to you. I refuse to forgive the kid that sexually assaulted me for months in school because he went on to continue to bully and torment me in other ways for four years and never got punished for it after the first time and kept getting away with it. He took a lot of things away from me and my forgiveness is the one thing I still have that I can control and have power over and he can’t take it away from me or force me to give it to him. Forgiving someone like him is like saying what he did to me is perfectly fine and that it didn’t cause me twenty years of pain and various forms of self injury to try to make myself forget what he did to me and make those memories leave me alone. A lot of people think if I “forgive” this person then I’ll be set free and feel better but I know that I won’t feel any better and the trauma he caused me will always be there and cause major problems in my life should something trigger that particular memory.
 
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