I just realized I might be dating an aspie...

[emerson]

I'm not completely certain, but I just realized I might be dating an aspie and I really need insight. I've realized through this that I know very little about aspergers and may have been operating under assumptions and misconceptions of what aspies are like. So please don't be offended if I'm using stereotypes to explain my thought process here. I really just want to learn more so I can get an idea of whether it's possible that he really is an aspie.

I met this guy while working on a show together, as we're both actors. I started dating him about three months ago and I found him incredibly social, outgoing and charismatic. We connected pretty easily, though it was over shared interests. Throughout the time we started to get together, I'd go back and forth on thinking he was interested-- he'd make plans with me and his actions often gave me the impression he was, but he didn't express himself about it. Instead, he'd focus intently on me and talk to me constantly. He did experience a death of a friend, shared it with me and I helped him through it. He did express to me how much I'd helped him to deal with it and that I'd made him much happier.

As we've continued to spend time together, I've had a lot of the same experiences-- thinking he must not be as interested or that he just doesn't like me "enough" because he doesn't say things and sometimes he does little odd things that make me wonder-- he doesn't ask me much about what's going on with me, but talks a lot about himself and his interests. At the same time, if I say something or he experiences something that upset me, he's attentive and caring. He'll also go out of his way to help me with things.

At one point he mentioned that his dad thought he had aspergers as a kid when he told me he'd been awkward and had difficulties with other kids. I was surprised because I couldn't imagine that he did-- he always came across so social to me, fairly confident and he was so good at picking up when I was ready to become more physical with him-- which is something other men haven't been as good at with me! He also can notice when I'm in a bad mood and asks me if I'm okay (though I've been told I'm very obvious in my bad moods). Then another time, we were talking about a young girl in our theatre group who's an aspie and he said "she also has aspergers." So I'm wondering if he just wasn't being honest when he mentioned it before. But he also said he got better, apart from having some learning disabilities. I found this very confusing.

We are sort of stalled with our relationship and I assumed it was because he didn't like me enough but then I realized maybe he just has no idea that I like him as much as I do. I've been very focused on the things he's said or done that have hurt me-- for example, he'll say something randomly insensitive despite being so sweet usually, but it hit me that maybe he really is an aspie and that he's honestly just perceiving things in a different way and expressing things in a different way-- which is why he shows me he cares in different ways. He also as an insanely good memory when it comes to his obsessions, but seems to forget whether or not he told me something already. It makes how things have felt make so much more sense, but I'm still so unsure of what aspergers is like and how it affects people that I'm not even sure it's what I'm dealing with. I truly don't want this to come across offensive, but can it be that difficult to tell someone has aspergers, especially if one's not familiar with it? Do some really seem to thrive in social situations and have a better sense of how to interact in them, while maybe struggling more with close relationships?

Thank you so much in advance for any advice or insight.

 

[113]

I usually have no idea whether someone likes me. I often can't detect flirting at all. If he is an Aspie, he may not know what you think, or he may suspect, but be very unsure.

Edit: I think it can be difficult to tell if someone has Asperger's, depending on the degree of autism. If he is a professional actor, he might be better at hiding it than most.

 

[emerson]

I usually have no idea whether someone likes me. I often can't detect flirting at all. If he is an Aspie, he may not know what you think, or he may suspect, but be very unsure.

Edit: I think it can be difficult to tell if someone has Asperger's, depending on the degree of autism. If he is a professional actor, he might be better at hiding it than most.

Thanks so much for your reply!

I'm very subtle with my own feelings so this makes sense to me. For valentine's day, I gave him a mixtape and he seemed shocked and that seemed to give him more to go on.

Apparently his father put him into theatre as a young kid because of the difficulties he had at school and with socializing. He's been acting for 15 years, so I wondered if maybe that was it-- he's learned to hide it and he also uses acting, quoting movies, talking about his obsessions as ways to connect with people.

I've just never known anyone with aspergers and realized how ignorant I must be because I figured since he seemed so social and friendly, it was unlikely. The more I started to read, the more I thought this might be wrong so I figured those in the community could probably tell me more than I figure out on my own!

 

[113]

It can be difficult to tell. Someone once called me "so empathetic" when all I was doing was smiling, nodding, and making generic conversation-filler noises during a walk. I still have no idea what was going on that day, but someone appeared to get an impression that I was empathetic. Often, I am acting how I think I'm expected to act, but I'm not completely sure about what signals I might be sending.

I remember another incident where a female coworker was pressing her whole body up against me while resting her hand on my forearm, and I had to go ask another woman if that meant she liked me. In hindsight, I can see that there was no ambiguity in that situation, and that she was very aggressively sending me a message. I can be absolutely clueless in many situations like this.

I can distinguish things like: "that person has an unusual look on her face that I was not expecting" but I often don't know what it means.