I love him but I don't understand him

[Amanda0216]

Hi, me again.

I'm an NT and I have fallen hopelessly in love with an AS.

He has shown me incredible depth and intimacy. I am so enamoured with him. But his affections are fleeting and he quickly sequesters himself afterwords.

I strive to be patient and understanding. I know that he NEEDS his space and time to categorize this new relationship.

But I am lonely and sad. Maybe I am not strong enough in my own character to love him. As an NT, I adore affection and this could be my weakness.

I want to wait and see if he becomes more comfortable with me, he has already come so far...but what if he doesn't? What if he can't? I want to love him but I don't know how to show him that.

At what point do I give up? At what point do I accept that I cannot be what he truly needs?

 

[Ylva]

It takes time to develop a strong bond. Often it's just subconsciously wanting to make sure the person in question sticks around. Just the fact that he has shown you intimacy is a show of trust.

Only you can know when enough is enough and it's time for you to move on. Leave it up to him to decide if you are what he "truly needs", as you put it. We can be astonishingly good at making up our own minds.

 

[Amanda0216]

I have a fear of becoming more attached over time and he might become more distant.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Often it's just subconsciously wanting to make sure the person in question sticks around

That sounds to me more like a "need" than a want. Is that the way it is? A person wants to feel like they are "wanted". That reminds me of that movie "Adam" when she asks him why he wants her to go to California and he comes up with all these reasons he "needs" her to go like finding a place to live and such. Is that what it's like? When I think of it that way it makes me feel lonely, but it would be a "logical" way to look at the situation.

 

[NlGHTgirl]

Love is not fear.............


there is a famous Bible quote 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

That is true. THAT . COULD. happen. Should you open yourself ? to the greatest love ? or the greatest pain? should ANYONE allow that kind of vulnerability? I'm guessing, "yes", better to love and loss, than to never love at all. (There is this guy......) We must all learn SOMETHING from this, this LIFE stuff,right? I'm only hoping............

 

[Datura]

In response to the title of this thread; can any of us really understand each other? I suppose we can extrapolate and project, but to truly understand a person would likely require some kind of telepathy.

As for the issue at hand; I can't say it will get better. I know that I am only comfortable with so much intimacy before I begin to find it irritating. I have also always been the least amorous partner in any relationship I've had. I would suggest you talk with him about your concerns, but not to hold your breath waiting for him to change. If there is one thing I have learned from dating it is that you cannot change people, at least not in an intentional fashion.

 

[SignOfLazarus]

Hi, me again.

I'm an NT and I have fallen hopelessly in love with an AS.

You have fallen hopelessly in love.

He has shown me incredible depth and intimacy. I am so enamoured with him. But his affections are fleeting and he quickly sequesters himself afterwords.

I strive to be patient and understanding. I know that he NEEDS his space and time to categorize this new relationship.

This could potentially happen in any relationship you are in.
Relationships involve two people.

But I am lonely and sad. Maybe I am not strong enough in my own character to love him. As an NT, I adore affection and this could be my weakness.

You are lonely and sad. I'm not sure what that has to do with the strangth or viability of a relationship, other than it may be a reflection on whether you are actually in a place to develop a healthy one right now. Being lonely and sad doesn't really have a lot to do with starting a relationship. Wanting to connect with people regardless of need to fill a lonely sad hole does.

I want to wait and see if he becomes more comfortable with me, he has already come so far...but what if he doesn't? What if he can't?

Then you will have experienced what many people experience when any relationship doesn't work out. I'm not trying to be callous. There are simply no guarantees and little way to tell if anything is going to work out in any relationship. You can guess and compare interests and theorize on compatibility, but in the end this uncertainty doesn't have a lot to do with you not being ASD and the other party being ASD. It has to do with the general uncertainty in beginnings of relationships. You don't have security.

I want to love him but I don't know how to show him that.

I think he's told you to give him space, if I recall.

At what point do I give up? At what point do I accept that I cannot be what he truly needs?

I don't know if anyone can answer that, but you already seem to be putting your desires over what he is telling you he wants and needs. I would reexamine that.

Relationships are difficult and confusing no matter who you are, really.
I'm not sure your difficulties are firmly rooted in neurological differences. It appears from what you've written you may have different needs in a relationship and also different views on independence/dependence, autonomy and trust.

Those are some other things to examine.

Maybe sit down by yourself and make a list of very specific reasons- for yourself- why you love this person.
"Makes me happy" doesn't count. How do they make your happy? How is it different from a good movie? If they make you feel good, how is it different from like, a decent piece of chocolate. if they make you feel good about yourself, how is it different from a good accessory, or nice makeup, a good piece of clothing.

See what i'm getting at?
WHY is this person worth it?
No one here can answer all of that for you.

Hope you get some good answers and find some direction.

 

[Warmheart]

Just a few thoughts from an Aspie to consider... or not.
Finding alone-time to recharge means we can be a more present, involved partner when we do engage.
You will need to change your expectations of what your Aspie mate is able to do.
Be prepared for "stealth appreciation"-- we may show love by planting you a lilac shrub, baking a lasagna, or switching your light fixture to a better one.
Affection may be a hug... or sitting very close, sharing our aura with you. See? Stealth! We've got mad luv-ninja skillz.
If you doubt your ability to sustain periods of being without him, consider that this is not abandonment, but rather re-charging his battery for you both. Sounds kinda romantic to me! (But then, I'm an Aspie...)

You know yourself best. Take things slowly, and you may find your ability to enjoy your time apart to work on your passions and interests may also be healing for you, as well. Gently, gently.