I love my friends! But, friends as lovers?

[Gomendosi]

As I am aspergical I have a massive social dysfunction, more than one person is a crowd and I don?t do well in crowds (2 is a crowd to an aspie). I suppose I have to say that that is curiously counterbalanced by the fact that I have a predilection to want to be around people despite finding the majority of them repugnant for one reason or another. People need people as nobody can be a self contained unit of self amusement!

Anyway, I have found that I have no idea how to begin a romance, sure I can wander over to a female of the species and say something suave like; ?hey, how about we grab a bite to eat? or ?want to join me for a drink? or how?s about you and me blow this pop stand and take in a moving picture, baby? [this designed to play to the humorous side of her].
Truth: that?s obviously never going to happen cause I always use my stoopid brain to pick potential holes and see flaws in the scenario, then I spend some time trying to convince myself that the validity (she left five minutes ago) of my argument is sound and I choose and reject clever opening lines and then I fight with myself as to whether its necessary at all, she is probably married with 12 kids and? oh wait. She?s gone, phew, crisis averted! LOL

No, here?s how I?m thinking it has to play out:
I meet someone of the opposite sex that I find to be suitable for allowing past the barriers I have in place to protect my fragile bubble world, this person attains the magical designation of friend and then we constantly interact, as they are now classed as friend, they are in a position to see me as I really am and they fall madly in love with me? Then we live happily ever after? No? Of course not!

So I have to ask a question of you guys here, the brains trust. LOL

Would you consider a friend to be a potential partner or would you rather find a stranger? Which is best?

 

[cheetoe80]

from my mind to your lips or so it would seem I was just thinking about all of this, though for me "the does she have kids is she married" internal dialog has been largely solved already in my mind. If she's in a certain age range she's most likely not married and doesn't have kids, if she's older and I decided I like her I guess I'd try to feel her out and befriend her to see first.

Trying to escalate a friendship could end it, but you never know unless you try.

 

[Bay]

FWIW, I have never developed sexual feelings for anyone that was already a friend. Either the chemistry is there from the beginning or it will never be. That doesn't mean that I couldn't love a friend as my romantic partner, only that it would be a largely non-sexual relationship. Ideally, a relationship that starts with chemistry evolves into a best friend relationship with benefits. That is someone I would want to spend my life with.

Of course I can only speak for myself, but in terms of beginning a romance and knowing whether a particular person is "the one," the most attractive feature someone can have is their ability to make me laugh. It means that I think they are intelligent, witty, and have values similar to mine. It tells me a great deal, if they can make me laugh. Now, if they laugh at MY witticisms, then they are worth their weight in gold. It is a wonderful feeling to be able to make someone laugh. It means that they think I am intelligent, witty, and have values similar to theirs.

 

[epath13]

When I met my husband, we're just talking. We both had issues with relationships so most of our conversations were about how stupid our ex-s were, something like that. Not sure about my husband but I didn't think about him as a potential mate in the beginning, not seriously anyway. But in the end it worked out quite differently from what I thought in the beginning. So I think there's a good chance... no guarantee though.. and my suggestion, if you start developing feelings or what not, don't wait too long otherwise you can end up with months of hopes ending with one big disappointment.

I think it might be easier for folks who are not on the spectrum, they might pick up on some cues in order to see what's the friend's intentions are. For us it might be difficult to figure out what's going on sometimes.

Years ago I had a friend, we'd know each other for long time. At some point we started hanging out more. I had no clue what the intentions were until my friend told me. Then when I looked back at all out dates I finally got it, "oh, that was a clue! and that was a clue!"

So yeah... it's not easy sometimes, but it's possible

 

[2010Dolby]

Well, I have NEVER got a date with a girl from just meeting her/a pick up line/ in a bar etc. I simply cant do that, I dont know why. Every girlfriend Iv had has been someone Iv known for a few months, but not long enough to establish a "just friends" thing. My first girlfriend met when I started a new job and she had been flirting with me for a month so we got to know each other without becoming just friends

Second girlfriend: a mutual friend kind of set us up. He texted me to stop by her place after I got off work and we could all hang out. It took off from there.

Third girlfriend: I met her when I started my current job at the high end construction company. Same situation as girlfriend one.

Fourth girlfriend: My third GF unwillingly introduced us and was angry from the first day we started talking haha but in her defence, this truely was a bad decision on my part.

So every interaction with a girl I've had doesnt start as "Friends" and doesnt start as "strangers". I think it works best when theres a slight mixture of both. If that makes sense.

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

The happiest relationships I know, both NT & AS, are where the couple are best friends too.

 

[rainydays]

Friendship is important because at the end of the day, most aspies want companionship, and trust me, it's easier if you're friends, or in an ideal situation: best friends.

Also, you really don't need an impressive pick-up line to approach a woman, the best thing you can do, is introduce yourself and show interest in them. Ask them questions, but try not to overwhelm them, let them decide the rhythm at which they share information with you. I strongly suggest an activity-based date, so you can just hang out and not be stressed out too much by conversation, like bowling or a movie.

 

[tree]

 

[Tom]

i think 'friendship' is often a short interval on the way to relationship. but in my case at least, relationship was sometimes a possible goal from the onset. if during the friend stage everything they did amped your interest... well you just hope they have similar thoughts.

once you have developed more then friend feelings, i do believe there is no turning back. it now must progress or be abandoned. so i would not linger in friendship but make the next move and ask for a date, or date-like meeting.

i really suggest you try to stop messing your self up with self doubt. no one but the person you are interested in can tell you what they will say. and a 'no' doesn't trigger the zombie apocolypse or the end of time. its like riding a bike or skateboard. sometimes you go and sometimes you fall. you have to be able to handle a fall or you'll never ride.