Irakus34
Just someone else in this world.
Hi.
First of all, I don't know if this matter should be discussed in here, but it's been more than two weeks since I got this problem and it's not solved yet, what still causes me deep anxiety and uneaseness, so I need help.
The thing is, I'm studying in a class with people older than me (some are just a few years older or many double my age, not really important, though). During the recess, we use to go to a cafeteria to buy a coffee or some food. My economy is bad so I try to buy the least and save the money. This is known by some of them and one of my friends (let's call her C1) used to treat me almost everyday, until I told her I felt uncomfortable with that as I couldn't repay her. Then, she stopped, understanding it.
However, there's another classmate (we'll call her C2), who I really got along well with, that she kept treating me every time she saw I didn't buy anything.
Before explaining the main issue, I must clarify there have been a few days when I had to eat and drink what they bought for me because even if I said "no, I don't want anything today" (what was true), they still bought it. That absolutely caused me uneaseness and anxiety, but masked it with gratefulness and satisfaction not to be impolite.
Now back to that day, C1, C2 and I went to the cafeteria and C2 and I sat around a table while C1 bought her coffee. Then, C2 asked me if I wasn't going to eat anything and I said no. I refused because of a reason I didn't tell anyone because I feel everyone is going to laught at me. This reason is, I always carry a bottle of water with me, but that day I forgot it in class and said class was closed under key, so I decided not to eat anything because I didn't have my bottle. I didn't make a fuss, I didn't say anything, I just thought "oh well, you forgot, no worries, just don't eat and done".
However, C2 immediately offered herself to buy me something. Instantly, my mind went blank and thought "oh no, here we go again". I didn't want anything so I categorically said "no, I'm not hungry today". But C2 insisted. I started to get nervous because I wasn't being listened. I just imagined having to focedly eat again and my stomach even hurt. Still, I breathed and tried to convince her "no, it's not needed", yet she stood up. "Please, C2, I said no" literally I begged with these words, but she just claimed "no, no, you have to eat, wait here" and went to where C1 was.
For a second, I couldn't breathe. The cafeteria became too small and a big desire to run away grew up in me. Then, I remembered long years of escaping from school, from social meetings, from anywhere without being noticing. In the end, disappearing is my mastered skill, so when a bunch of classmates blocked their sight, I looked at the exit and without thinking the consecuences, I ran out.
My legs walked while shivering, my mind re-thought several times of going back, but the mental image of food drove me crazy. I constantly checked my back just in case they chased me. I almost literally ran through the hallway and found a group of classmates in the escape. We do get along so I stack to them, without saying a word, without showing there was a problem.
Once we were outside, suddenly my phone vibrated and I saw an entering phone call by C2. I panicked so much I stopped in the middle of the path. I didn't want to pick up, because I do hate phone calls as I'm unable to identify when to talk, to remember what they person is saying or with which intention. Still, I picked it up as I knew she deserved an explanation.
She asked me "where are you? I bought you a donut!" and I said "outside". Her tone became not that kind then "come in, I bought you a cocoa too". I replied he same though, "I told you I don't want anything". Then, she said "and what do I do with all this now?", what created in me a gigantic blame that made me tear up. "I said I don't want anything, I'm sorry" replied I with anguished voice. I only heard as response "well, never mind" and I apologized again. "It's fine" and then C2 hang up the call.
By this time, I was a metre far from the group so they turned and asked me if everything was fine. I couldn't answer, I just started crying, pouring out what happened because I was damn scared of the consequences of my decision. I don't remember even what I said, I just cried, remembering the long years of bullying that still nowadays make me panic when I have a trouble with anyone.
At least, the group helped and supported me. I felt somehow cared by them. Though, by their comments, I understood they thought I was crying because I didn't want to be treated, when in reality was because I refused to eat anything if I didn't have my bottle of water. I kept quiet, though.
After all of this, I talked with C1 and she told me C2 was angry. She encouraged me to talk with C2 and I agreed so I could apologize, but C2 didn't want. I waited a few days, becoming invisible for her and seeing how her usual self, cheerful and kind, completely changed because of my fault.
The worst was when C2 took homemade food to class so we all could enjoy. I damn felt terrible for eating it without sorting it our first. I felt like taking advantage of her kindness. But at the same time, if I didn't eat, it could look like the last time. So in the end, not knowing what was really correct and forgetting completely my needs, I ate it, starting to share some words with C2.
I thought maybe time will calm things between us. I complimented her that day, thanked her twice. I really wanted to sort everything out. But I had no idea how to find the right moment and words to apologize, as always.
I was so sure to do so eventually, one day when I would wake up and my brain would work extremely hyped to make the step. But in the meantime, C2 stopped greeting me back some days, stopped looking at my face as if I'm not there, stopped talking to me in anyway when I even asked her if she was okay, stopped to stay at her usual place not to coincide with me, constantly asking C1 stuff when I'm with her but doing as if I didn't exit.
I wanted to think at first I was misunderstanding her and that she wasn't doing all of this on purpose, but it's being almost three weeks since this and our relationship seems as just going worse and worse. The more she ignores me, the worse I feel and the less I want to go to class some days.
The thing is right now I have no clue about what to do because as I recognize part of fault for reacting like that, am I entirely at blame? Is it wrong to feel like I don't actually deserve this amount of invisiblility? I could understand the first days, I could understand that she didn't want to talk to me at first, I just handled it knowing it was what I deserved for being that ungrateful.
However, I'm damn mad too. Two whole months saying I was amazing, I was a genius, she wanted her son to be with people like me and then, I did this because my brain collapsed due to a forceful behaviour and I become non-existant? Like all I've done during two months of help, support and good vibes was just ruined like that. No matter how much I give to others, it's never valid enough if things doesn't go like they want. Can I be mad for this? Because I feel freaking powerless when someone tells me "it's okay" and it results that nothing is fine. Just speak and I will apologize, why do they make it so complicated?
Or maybe the complicated one is me.
This is one of the reasons why I mastered my masking. I completely look like NT when my mind is a chaos I don't wish to anyone. I avoid trouble at any cost because of this. Humans make it complicated and I don't have the self-esteem nor the braveness needed to fix it by myself exactly due to these behaviours I spent all my life suffering.
So I really need help, opinions, any tip that will make me have an idea of how to solve this because the last module of my course is in groups doing constant projects. I'm afraid I will be in her group and the last month will become insanely unbearable. It's already kind of unbearable because I always end up crying in the bathroom and some classmates are starting to be worried.
I don't want the same story of my past to be repeated.
Thank you for reading, and sorry it's too long.
Tomoya 15/05/2022 10:42 PM
First of all, I don't know if this matter should be discussed in here, but it's been more than two weeks since I got this problem and it's not solved yet, what still causes me deep anxiety and uneaseness, so I need help.
The thing is, I'm studying in a class with people older than me (some are just a few years older or many double my age, not really important, though). During the recess, we use to go to a cafeteria to buy a coffee or some food. My economy is bad so I try to buy the least and save the money. This is known by some of them and one of my friends (let's call her C1) used to treat me almost everyday, until I told her I felt uncomfortable with that as I couldn't repay her. Then, she stopped, understanding it.
However, there's another classmate (we'll call her C2), who I really got along well with, that she kept treating me every time she saw I didn't buy anything.
Before explaining the main issue, I must clarify there have been a few days when I had to eat and drink what they bought for me because even if I said "no, I don't want anything today" (what was true), they still bought it. That absolutely caused me uneaseness and anxiety, but masked it with gratefulness and satisfaction not to be impolite.
Now back to that day, C1, C2 and I went to the cafeteria and C2 and I sat around a table while C1 bought her coffee. Then, C2 asked me if I wasn't going to eat anything and I said no. I refused because of a reason I didn't tell anyone because I feel everyone is going to laught at me. This reason is, I always carry a bottle of water with me, but that day I forgot it in class and said class was closed under key, so I decided not to eat anything because I didn't have my bottle. I didn't make a fuss, I didn't say anything, I just thought "oh well, you forgot, no worries, just don't eat and done".
However, C2 immediately offered herself to buy me something. Instantly, my mind went blank and thought "oh no, here we go again". I didn't want anything so I categorically said "no, I'm not hungry today". But C2 insisted. I started to get nervous because I wasn't being listened. I just imagined having to focedly eat again and my stomach even hurt. Still, I breathed and tried to convince her "no, it's not needed", yet she stood up. "Please, C2, I said no" literally I begged with these words, but she just claimed "no, no, you have to eat, wait here" and went to where C1 was.
For a second, I couldn't breathe. The cafeteria became too small and a big desire to run away grew up in me. Then, I remembered long years of escaping from school, from social meetings, from anywhere without being noticing. In the end, disappearing is my mastered skill, so when a bunch of classmates blocked their sight, I looked at the exit and without thinking the consecuences, I ran out.
My legs walked while shivering, my mind re-thought several times of going back, but the mental image of food drove me crazy. I constantly checked my back just in case they chased me. I almost literally ran through the hallway and found a group of classmates in the escape. We do get along so I stack to them, without saying a word, without showing there was a problem.
Once we were outside, suddenly my phone vibrated and I saw an entering phone call by C2. I panicked so much I stopped in the middle of the path. I didn't want to pick up, because I do hate phone calls as I'm unable to identify when to talk, to remember what they person is saying or with which intention. Still, I picked it up as I knew she deserved an explanation.
She asked me "where are you? I bought you a donut!" and I said "outside". Her tone became not that kind then "come in, I bought you a cocoa too". I replied he same though, "I told you I don't want anything". Then, she said "and what do I do with all this now?", what created in me a gigantic blame that made me tear up. "I said I don't want anything, I'm sorry" replied I with anguished voice. I only heard as response "well, never mind" and I apologized again. "It's fine" and then C2 hang up the call.
By this time, I was a metre far from the group so they turned and asked me if everything was fine. I couldn't answer, I just started crying, pouring out what happened because I was damn scared of the consequences of my decision. I don't remember even what I said, I just cried, remembering the long years of bullying that still nowadays make me panic when I have a trouble with anyone.
At least, the group helped and supported me. I felt somehow cared by them. Though, by their comments, I understood they thought I was crying because I didn't want to be treated, when in reality was because I refused to eat anything if I didn't have my bottle of water. I kept quiet, though.
After all of this, I talked with C1 and she told me C2 was angry. She encouraged me to talk with C2 and I agreed so I could apologize, but C2 didn't want. I waited a few days, becoming invisible for her and seeing how her usual self, cheerful and kind, completely changed because of my fault.
The worst was when C2 took homemade food to class so we all could enjoy. I damn felt terrible for eating it without sorting it our first. I felt like taking advantage of her kindness. But at the same time, if I didn't eat, it could look like the last time. So in the end, not knowing what was really correct and forgetting completely my needs, I ate it, starting to share some words with C2.
I thought maybe time will calm things between us. I complimented her that day, thanked her twice. I really wanted to sort everything out. But I had no idea how to find the right moment and words to apologize, as always.
I was so sure to do so eventually, one day when I would wake up and my brain would work extremely hyped to make the step. But in the meantime, C2 stopped greeting me back some days, stopped looking at my face as if I'm not there, stopped talking to me in anyway when I even asked her if she was okay, stopped to stay at her usual place not to coincide with me, constantly asking C1 stuff when I'm with her but doing as if I didn't exit.
I wanted to think at first I was misunderstanding her and that she wasn't doing all of this on purpose, but it's being almost three weeks since this and our relationship seems as just going worse and worse. The more she ignores me, the worse I feel and the less I want to go to class some days.
The thing is right now I have no clue about what to do because as I recognize part of fault for reacting like that, am I entirely at blame? Is it wrong to feel like I don't actually deserve this amount of invisiblility? I could understand the first days, I could understand that she didn't want to talk to me at first, I just handled it knowing it was what I deserved for being that ungrateful.
However, I'm damn mad too. Two whole months saying I was amazing, I was a genius, she wanted her son to be with people like me and then, I did this because my brain collapsed due to a forceful behaviour and I become non-existant? Like all I've done during two months of help, support and good vibes was just ruined like that. No matter how much I give to others, it's never valid enough if things doesn't go like they want. Can I be mad for this? Because I feel freaking powerless when someone tells me "it's okay" and it results that nothing is fine. Just speak and I will apologize, why do they make it so complicated?
Or maybe the complicated one is me.
This is one of the reasons why I mastered my masking. I completely look like NT when my mind is a chaos I don't wish to anyone. I avoid trouble at any cost because of this. Humans make it complicated and I don't have the self-esteem nor the braveness needed to fix it by myself exactly due to these behaviours I spent all my life suffering.
So I really need help, opinions, any tip that will make me have an idea of how to solve this because the last module of my course is in groups doing constant projects. I'm afraid I will be in her group and the last month will become insanely unbearable. It's already kind of unbearable because I always end up crying in the bathroom and some classmates are starting to be worried.
I don't want the same story of my past to be repeated.
Thank you for reading, and sorry it's too long.
Tomoya 15/05/2022 10:42 PM
