I Need A Lot Of Help [TW: Mentions of suicidal ideation, racism and anxiety]

[smolbeankiwi]

Hello!

This stuff is going to be heavy but I need to talk to people about this.

But first:

Please remember that taking care of yourselves takes priority over anything else, and I would really advise you not to read beyond this point if you are not in a great place right now.





***



Do any of you feel like you are behind in terms of what you are expected to achieve at certain ages?

All of my cousins that are around my age seem to have functioning adult lives (house, job, husband/family) whereas I am struggling to convince myself that life will get better.

I feel like I have a child's mind in an adult's body, and that's why I have so much trouble.

My perception of myself is definitely flawed; for example, until a few months ago I believed that I was at a perfectly healthy weight until I looked in the mirror one day and realised I was obese.

I either wish I could die or have a different life almost every single day now, and I know I need help.

Whenever anybody mentions anything about my future (literally asking about what I want to do next) I will have a meltdown.

I have cried so much for the past few days.

I don't like the town me and my parents and siblings have moved to: the change itself has messed everything up but more than that I have noticed that there is a lot more racism here.

There are a few times these few months where I have thought about going to the local A&E and citing a mental health crisis, just telling them about how I feel.

But then I think, what if they believe it's because of my parents and try and take me away from them? What happens of they don't help me as well as they can because I'm a minority?

I'm just scared all of the time now, and it's getting harder to cope.

I want to no longer have any responsibilities.

I know this is a terrible thing to say but I remember once telling my friend that I wish I was 'more obviously disabled'. I regret that so much, but still after all this time I think I do wish it still.

I'm sorry for how long this is, and if you notice a trigger I haven't placed in the title please tell me.

Thank you for listening, and any advice you may have is very much appreciated!

 

[Gerontius]

My perception of myself is definitely flawed; for example, until a few months ago I believed that I was at a perfectly healthy weight until I looked in the mirror one day and realised I was obese.

You need to use something different than a mirror for that. Judging your weight by a scale, a BMI score, and the recommendation of a doctor if you can find them, is what works. Appearance-based self-evaluation of weight is a fast track to bulimia or anorexia.

Now I will suggest sticking around this forum for a while, too, okay? Lots of people on here can be lots of help.

 

[smolbeankiwi]

I'm twice your age and a lot of people your age don't know what they should do. I'd say most 20 year olds don't own a house, have their own family or what you call adult lives. When I was 20 I didn't have that. And you will have a different life, things change. It just won't happen over night, you have to hang in there and do what you can to achieve goals. But right now you're not behind.

I feel like I'm behind, I have a house and a somewhat adult life but I live there alone now. I had a family but I lost them. And things are a little different at my age. So I feel I'm behind. But that's life, you have to do what you can with what you have. That's all we can do. You shouldn't worry about being behind, if you are behind then so are most others your age too.

Your message made me tear up, honestly.

It's a relief to know that I am not the only one who feels a bit left out of the loop.

Maybe my expectations are too high?

All I know is that I just want to be happy now, that's the main thing.

I just find it so hard, even with support.

 

[Jordy]

I feel behind too. I am 22 and only in the second year of college and have only just started taking driving lessons. I have no house or partner and currently no part time job.

I either wish I could die or have a different life almost every single day now, and I know I need help.

Me too

 

[smolbeankiwi]

You need to use something different than a mirror for that. Judging your weight by a scale, a BMI score, and the recommendation of a doctor if you can find them, is what works. Appearance-based self-evaluation of weight is a fast track to bulimia or anorexia.

Now I will suggest sticking around this forum for a while, too, okay? Lots of people on here can be lots of help.

I am trying to spend a lot more time with people once I realised trying to shut myself away just made me spiral harder.

I do believe I am an emotional eater, which makes it harder for me to brek the cycle - I notice I eat more because I'm getting stressed, which makes me more stressed, and so on.

I think I will be sticking around; your support is comforting!

 

[smolbeankiwi]

I feel behind too. I am 22 and only in the second year of college and have only just started taking driving lessons. I have no house or partner and currently no part time job.


Me too

This is the second time I have withdrawn from University, and I don't think I'll be carrying it on.


Our situations are almost exactly the same - I get very anxious when driving and any mention of it doesn't do me any favours....

 

[smolbeankiwi]

This is the second time I have withdrawn from University, and I don't think I'll be carrying it on.


Our situations are almost exactly the same - I get very anxious when driving and any mention of it doesn't do me any favours....

Also, I know I can't exactly say anything but if you haven't already, please speak to someone about how you feel.

Feeling like this is not fun at all and I don't want any one to go through this.

Please, please be safe.

 

[Sunny1]

First, thank you for your care in putting a TW in place, and again for the permission to take care of yourself first.
I now find that I should add the same caveats in place for what I am writing.
Wanting to not be here or not want responsibilities is a serious issue and should not be left to simmer to see if it will go away. It needs to be addressed as soon as possible.
Many autistic people are plagued with depression. I think that something that helps me, personally, is to focus on what I can do and what I do well, and spend less mental and emotional energy worrying about and focusing on what I have no way of changing.
Have you talked with your parents about the struggles that you are currently going through? And your concerns that if you seek help some agency might take you from your parents? The parents, in a lot of families, can be a safe place to start.
Moving is a huge stressor. It literally sends just about every aspect of your life in chaos. That alone is probably responsible for a few of the meltdowns.
Adulting, all by itself, is another huge stressor. Almost everyone goes through self-doubts and wonders about the future. It can be terrifying. Some try to play Peter Pan, but that never works out. Organisms of all kinds need to grow and change.
Because that seems to be true, I figure that change is good and should be embraced and molded into the future we desire for ourself.
Keep participating. This is a forum with many wise and upstanding individuals, may of whom will care about your progress. Take care.

 

[smolbeankiwi]

First, thank you for your care in putting a TW in place, and again for the permission to take care of yourself first.
I now find that I should add the same caveats in place for what I am writing.
Wanting to not be here or not want responsibilities is a serious issue and should not be left to simmer to see if it will go away. It needs to be addressed as soon as possible.
Many autistic people are plagued with depression. I think that something that helps me, personally, is to focus on what I can do and what I do well, and spend less mental and emotional energy worrying about and focusing on what I have no way of changing.
Have you talked with your parents about the struggles that you are currently going through? And your concerns that if you seek help some agency might take you from your parents? The parents, in a lot of families, can be a safe place to start.
Moving is a huge stressor. It literally sends just about every aspect of your life in chaos. That alone is probably responsible for a few of the meltdowns.
Adulting, all by itself, is another huge stressor. Almost everyone goes through self-doubts and wonders about the future. It can be terrifying. Some try to play Peter Pan, but that never works out. Organisms of all kinds need to grow and change.
Because that seems to be true, I figure that change is good and should be embraced and molded into the future we desire for ourself.
Keep participating. This is a forum with many wise and upstanding individuals, may of whom will care about your progress. Take care.

My parents both know, but they're are at a loss as to what they can do to help right now. I don't really know myself

I am in contact with my Doctor, as well as having spoken to a local crisis team; I'm just waiting for a call back.

At this point I am trying to spend more time around people I like, and keeping myself busy to forget for a while.


My coping strategies aren't the best, but I am definitely going to do something about my situation.


Thank you for your advice! It's a definite way forward and I think I will try the route you have recommended!

 

[Outdated]

All of my cousins that are around my age seem to have functioning adult lives (house, job, husband/family) whereas I am struggling to convince myself that life will get better.

I feel behind too. I am 22 and only in the second year of college and have only just started taking driving lessons. I have no house or partner and currently no part time job.

It seems to be a bit of a trend these days that younger people put far too much pressure on themselves to Conform.

I was your age back in the 80s and people's attitudes were a lot more forgiving back then. I met an American tourist once who was having a bit of a whinge about a failed business trip. He said:

"The great American dream is to have a house bigger than your neighbour's and to be able to send all your kids to university. As far as I can tell the great Australian dream is to not have to work."

I laughed and told him he's got it right.

When I was in my late 20s a lot of friends were settling down with partners and having children and all of them harassed me to do the same, but I had already found out that that life wasn't going to work for me. 10 years later all those old friends were very jealous of me, of the freedom I had and of the lifestyle I had.

Forget other people's expectations of how you should live your life. It's your life, not theirs!

 

[Gerontius]

This situation is hardly uncommon for autistic people. I'm an above-average driver for the autistic set (driving a pickup truck, you might call it a ute, in local deliveries, and having my own car.) But there are a lot of autistics who never learnt to run a motor car, whether because they were afraid, or because their parents wrapped them in cotton-wool then berated them for being helpless.

I'm trying to finish college myself. It's going okay but it's also a pain in the butt. I won't be going back after I graduate.

I have a very pretty girlfriend, who's also autistic & in the same shape as you (can't drive a car at 21, because her parents never taught her; gained a bunch of weight due to poor diet at home & ignorance of how to cook combined with PCOS.) It's not easy being autistic and male; however, being autistic & female comes with its own set of challenges that's absolutely daunting. My hat's off to all the women on the spectrum. Her family had her diagnosed at thirteen and here she is at one and twenty, desperate for independence and not getting it. She will do all right one day.

So will you.

 

[Outdated]

But there are a lot of autistics who never learnt to run a motor car, whether because they were afraid, or because their parents wrapped them in cotton-wool then berated them for being helpless.

That’s a good point that I didn’t pick up on. A driver’s license means so much more freedom to do what you want and less need to depend on others. There seems to be a bit of gender bias in Australia when it comes to encouraging kids to get their licenses, and I think it might be similar in New Zealand too.

When I was growing up you could get your learner’s permit at 15 and 9 months so that the day you turned 16 you could get your license. Most boys do exactly this where as more than half the girls don’t get their license until they’re in their 20s.

 

[Aspychata]

Great advice here. Just keep moving forward. I guess that's all we strive to do.

 

[Crossbreed]

Do any of you feel like you are behind in terms of what you are expected to achieve at certain ages?

For autism (and many gifteds) that is the "nature of the beast."
With competent autism counseling, you can learn to maintain basic adult functions while actually benefiting from your prolonged childish qualities.

I am 60, a father of ten, grandfather of seven, guardian to my ASD3 daughter, and I still collect action dolls. 3Legged Race

 

[Sarah S]

One of my gazillion co morbids are actually (and im medically diagnosed) Severely suicidal so belive me when i say i do understand how you feel. Yet as you see im still here & i have been suicidal since i was a little girl you have already takend the hardest steps in all this and that's seeking help and suport. And you also seem to have understanding parents.

SO here`s my thoughts

The worst enemy of both depression (I also have moderately depression) and Suicidal is as you already know is idleness which leaves to mush time to think as this is usefully when the deep and bad thoughts come. So, it's good that you trying to keep busy.

It's also good that you have the professionals as well as youre parents behind you in all this.

Reg youre parents feeling lost and don't know how to help you what you need to try is to try to explain to them how you feel as they aren't mind readers. And if you feel it's too hard doing this verbally try to write to them.

Reg feeling left behind i can definitely understand that feeling as i have felt this way since MANY MANY years. But you shouldn`t compare youre self to mush to other people dear (add to that to those without this diagnose) we all have our own way both on how we develop as well as how we want our life to be. Add to that what life has given us to work with in the first place.

Last TRUST me on this when i say that suicide is NOT will NOT /has NOT EVER been the right choice.

Youre not alone from what i have seen so far you definitely DONT want to die and youre stronger than may others that are suicidal ( i have had the honer of helping and talking to MANY online as well as reel life ) so DONT give up i understand its a struggle and sometimes very hard but you have to try and never give up. You CAN and you WILL get thru this. I have NO doubts that you will do this with the suport of youre parents and professionals and the most important person YOURE self and the inner strength you actually do have that actually to me is stronger than you might think youre self.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Do any of you feel like you are behind in terms of what you are expected to achieve at certain ages?

That comes with my Autism. As a teen and young adult my issues of not understanding social communication left me very socially immature. Sure, I was not unaware of what was happening, yet I was socially and sexualy isolated, the source of my PTSD. I had many of the desires of my peers, yet no way to realize them.

My loneliness was almost too much to bear so, not knowing I was Aspie, I went on a spate of self help to be an interesting person who would be nice to have a relationship with. I started learning about social communication then got involved with activity groups to practice. I really liked my interests and learned how to talk about them in interesting ways. I decided to like myself as somebody who could be a good companion and lover which gave me reason to approach women to date. This led to my meeting my future spouse, who I learned later is basically a shy woman.

We ASD are not used to putting ourselves forward, even as dating requires the guys too still make the first move. Shy girls who may be hoping to meet somebody quirky and sensitive are approached by self-assured meat heads, not their type. So, I tell guys to look for and connect with shy girls/women. Give them a choice.