My name is Ryan Buck. I am hard of hearing and officially diagnosed with autism around age 10. I have dated my girlfriend for over a year. She graduated from TCC as a sign language interpreter. There have been many times she gets frustrated with me because I don't know how I can actually show I care about her. She tried being patient with me, but it doesn't work for her. Something in my heart tells me that we might have to break up, but we both want to get married and have a family. I have never been taught how to make a woman orgasm, and a lot of things in life, but I have not always made her happy. There are a lot of things I need to learn, and a lot of things she need to do for me. How can I fix all of this?
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I need help!
- Thread starter Buckyking
- Start date
welcome you need both
Welcome! 
Having a partner who is patient with your challenges is not optional. You need a mate who recognizes that your struggles with relating, communicating, and engaging are due to your neurology, and who responds by being supportive of those challenges, so that you can come together. There can only be harmony when your differences are understood as neurology, and not personal failing. From there, both partners can learn ways to be more supportive, in ways which are possible for them. Autism = hidden wheelchair condition. You need your mate to understand that a social/communication disability impacts you *far more* than it does her, and that her being supportive benefits both of you. She will need to learn your ways of showing love and support will often differ from what she expects. She can learn your behavioral “language of love,” and begin to feel more loved, supported, and appreciated.
You also can learn new ways to express caring, which are easier for her to recognize. Together, you can extend understanding.
This is not about “fixing” the autistic person so the neurotypical person can get their emotional reciprocity needs met, it is about both coming together in expanding their understanding of one another’s perspectives and neurology, finding ways to meet in the middle to get emotional needs met. Love, understanding, and patience can work wonders.
Having a partner who is patient with your challenges is not optional. You need a mate who recognizes that your struggles with relating, communicating, and engaging are due to your neurology, and who responds by being supportive of those challenges, so that you can come together. There can only be harmony when your differences are understood as neurology, and not personal failing. From there, both partners can learn ways to be more supportive, in ways which are possible for them. Autism = hidden wheelchair condition. You need your mate to understand that a social/communication disability impacts you *far more* than it does her, and that her being supportive benefits both of you. She will need to learn your ways of showing love and support will often differ from what she expects. She can learn your behavioral “language of love,” and begin to feel more loved, supported, and appreciated.
You also can learn new ways to express caring, which are easier for her to recognize. Together, you can extend understanding.
This is not about “fixing” the autistic person so the neurotypical person can get their emotional reciprocity needs met, it is about both coming together in expanding their understanding of one another’s perspectives and neurology, finding ways to meet in the middle to get emotional needs met. Love, understanding, and patience can work wonders.
1. You can't fix everything at once.
2. You don't have to.
3. All you need to do is show commitment to improving and fix one little thing at a time.
Best first step is get professional help/counseling for your autism and as a couple. I can't say which to do first or if they should be done at same time. It may depend on which can be arranged. Just get something started. Show her you mean to improve, she matters and you mean it.... and what ever you do stick to it. Then you will be doing all you can reasonably do. Now its up to her to respond. Hopefully it is enough and she also will have a mind to improve understanding, but that is not something you can do. Her part is out of your hands. Just hope for the best, and if she does not stay with it or you, then it wasn't meant to be.
2. You don't have to.
3. All you need to do is show commitment to improving and fix one little thing at a time.
Best first step is get professional help/counseling for your autism and as a couple. I can't say which to do first or if they should be done at same time. It may depend on which can be arranged. Just get something started. Show her you mean to improve, she matters and you mean it.... and what ever you do stick to it. Then you will be doing all you can reasonably do. Now its up to her to respond. Hopefully it is enough and she also will have a mind to improve understanding, but that is not something you can do. Her part is out of your hands. Just hope for the best, and if she does not stay with it or you, then it wasn't meant to be.
I think couples therapy is essential, and may well help with some of your autism issues as well AS LONG AS YOU GET THE RIGHT THERAPIST! Good therapists are not so easy to find. Ideally you should find someone who has worked with autistics before. I wish you all the very best!
However, if you think it's not working out, don't continue because you want to get married and have kids. That is a recipe for disaster for all concerned!
However, if you think it's not working out, don't continue because you want to get married and have kids. That is a recipe for disaster for all concerned!
Unfortunately there's no easy fix, although both could help your situation. You obviously care about her to come here and ask for advice, perhaps write down everything you want to say to her in a letter, especially how you feel about her.
PS: Welcome to ASPIESCentral!
PS: Welcome to ASPIESCentral!
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