ChrisCRISPR
Well-Known Member
In a pretty sad, lonely headspace right now I totally didn't mean to unload so much on the vent here. Consider this a trigger warning as well; I mention some rough upbringing in childhood and past history of substance abuse.
Hello everyone my name is Chris and I'm a 35 year old male here at the very beginning stages of my journey towards (possibly?) receiving a diagnosis. I'm at a place right now in my life where I am really struggling with existing. I am in a stuck, perpetually frozen sort of state where I feel so consumed and overwhelmed by how much of my life I have wasted with so little no show for it. I had no stability growing up, not only did we end up moving just about every year or so, but my parents fought all the time (before they divorced) and my mom struggled a lot with her own mental health and at times it was hard because she was not nice to me. I dont want to make her sound like a bad mom either because she already beats herself up so much about that as it is, I know she was really suffering with a lot and I didnt understand it at the time. There were a lot of really sad and scary times though. I never had a relationship with my dad much at all either and he ran off and got remarried and his new wife wouldn't let him have anything to do with me and he went along with it. Because of moms mental health I ended up getting shipped off to various relatives, aunts and uncles, grandparents when they were still alive, it seemed like my folks were just desperate to find someone else to take me off their hands. All in all it was a very confusing, lonely and isolating childhood and it left me with this feeling where no matter where I am at or who I am with I always feel unwanted, I always feel like the other shoe is about to drop and the rug is going to get pulled out from under my feet.
I didn't make any friends at all until I had already dropped out of school and the first friend I ever had was 19 when I was 12 and he introduced me to crack cocaine and methamphetamines. I don't mean to make him sound like a bad person either I mean no one put a gun to my head and told me to do drugs, I knew what they were and I knew the repercussions. I just didnt want to lose my only friend, the first friend I'd ever made, and when he came over one day all high and messed up I asked him what was going on and he explained to me what it was and how to smoke it and I just knew that if I said no he wouldn't feel safe or comfortable hanging out with me anymore and would probably not come over anymore either so I started using with him. It became a semi daily thing where I would make up some story to whatever family member I could and they always would just throw money at me instead of spend any time with me so I figured it was a win-win. It wasn't until a few days after my 19th birthday that I quit both of those drugs cold turkey after we almost got raided at the little crack motel we were hanging out at. I guess im only bringing this up because quitting crack and methamphetamines is one of my only major accomplishments that I can speak of. That and a GED.
I have always felt on the outside of society, on the outside of everything, every relationship, friendship, interaction, I always feel like I'm between a glass divide. Like I'm an alien or some animal at a wildlife exhibit. I can't ever join in on light hearted conversation with people, *shooting-the-breeze* as they call it. I feel guilty and sad all the time because I actually have been fortunate to find a few close friends that I have as support in my life but I am so distant and so detached all the time even when they try to get me to warm up or help make me feel comfortable around them. Im living with a very good friend who is actually an ex girlfriend but we just couldn't navigate the messiness of having a relationship. I'm very not "boyfriend" material. She is so great though and sweet and supportive but I cannot shake this feeling of embarrassment and shame and humiliation when I'm around her. Its like that with anyone that I try to "hang out with" or spend any time one on one (even worse in groups, I don't do groups anymore anyway).
I can't hold down a job. Even though I have no felonies or misdemeanors or crazy sex crimes or anything bad on my criminal record, I can't ever pass a workplace background check. I imagine its because of bad credit, having been evicted before, never having stability and moving around constantly so never able to keep a job for any long term period of time. When I do find jobs I usually have problems with my co-workers even though I don't mean to. I get accused of being rude and people get nervous around me, they think I'm a bad person or "sketchy". I've even had people make mean remarks that I must be a serial killer. This is because I don't like when co-workers ask me personal questions. I don't want to be asked what I did over the weekend or what my parents do for a living or what I think about xyz political or social issue. When I am fortunate to find work, my only focus is going to my job to do the tasks that are expected of me. It makes me sad because I know that I make people uncomfortable and upset when I don't mean to, I don't actually dislike them or think I'm better than anyone else I just dont socialize very well at all.
Anyway, I joined this forum because I recently found a copy of Michael John Carley's "Aspergers From The Inside Out". For those who are unfamiliar, the author did not find out that he had ASD until well into his 30's. I've never resonated with a book so much or cried so much from a book before. After reading, I wanted to join this forum because I desperately need to reach out to others who can help me. One thing that I do have *FINALLY* is a primary care physician and health insurance. I have my very first appointment with a behavioral health specialist coming up and I want to find out how to approach this. Maybe you all can give me some pointers? I do not want a diagnosis to wear it like a badge or use it as a crutch. In a way, I want the diagnosis because for the very first time in 35 years there is finally a tiny glimpse of hope - like something inside of me saying "see, there HAVE been reasons why you have struggled so much, its NOT all entirely your fault, there isn't anything wrong with you as a person you are just wired differently."
Opening myself up to even the possibility of being on the spectrum is really the only thing I have right now that is helping me feel like I might really actually be "okay" after all. I'm sorry for sharing so much at one time. I don't need to sugar coat the fact that those who made it this far probably know by now that this whole post is just a big cry for help anyway so hopefully you all will be kind and patient with me. I know I have a lot of questions but I can't seem to formulate any of them right now. What I really look forward to is meeting more people who didn't find out until later on in life (mid thirties preferably, like me) that they were on the spectrum. I'd like to hear about other peoples journeys and maybe make some new friends that can give me some advice as well. Oh and what I would love to learn the most is how to stop the perpetual negative self-talk or negative inner-critic, how to turn off the never ending mental highlight reel of all of my past mistakes. It is invasive, overwhelming and at 35 years, its becoming too much for me to be able to bear and tolerate. I'd just really like that to go away so I can think clearly and be okay.
Thank you everyone I'll go ahead and wrap this up now.
Hello everyone my name is Chris and I'm a 35 year old male here at the very beginning stages of my journey towards (possibly?) receiving a diagnosis. I'm at a place right now in my life where I am really struggling with existing. I am in a stuck, perpetually frozen sort of state where I feel so consumed and overwhelmed by how much of my life I have wasted with so little no show for it. I had no stability growing up, not only did we end up moving just about every year or so, but my parents fought all the time (before they divorced) and my mom struggled a lot with her own mental health and at times it was hard because she was not nice to me. I dont want to make her sound like a bad mom either because she already beats herself up so much about that as it is, I know she was really suffering with a lot and I didnt understand it at the time. There were a lot of really sad and scary times though. I never had a relationship with my dad much at all either and he ran off and got remarried and his new wife wouldn't let him have anything to do with me and he went along with it. Because of moms mental health I ended up getting shipped off to various relatives, aunts and uncles, grandparents when they were still alive, it seemed like my folks were just desperate to find someone else to take me off their hands. All in all it was a very confusing, lonely and isolating childhood and it left me with this feeling where no matter where I am at or who I am with I always feel unwanted, I always feel like the other shoe is about to drop and the rug is going to get pulled out from under my feet.
I didn't make any friends at all until I had already dropped out of school and the first friend I ever had was 19 when I was 12 and he introduced me to crack cocaine and methamphetamines. I don't mean to make him sound like a bad person either I mean no one put a gun to my head and told me to do drugs, I knew what they were and I knew the repercussions. I just didnt want to lose my only friend, the first friend I'd ever made, and when he came over one day all high and messed up I asked him what was going on and he explained to me what it was and how to smoke it and I just knew that if I said no he wouldn't feel safe or comfortable hanging out with me anymore and would probably not come over anymore either so I started using with him. It became a semi daily thing where I would make up some story to whatever family member I could and they always would just throw money at me instead of spend any time with me so I figured it was a win-win. It wasn't until a few days after my 19th birthday that I quit both of those drugs cold turkey after we almost got raided at the little crack motel we were hanging out at. I guess im only bringing this up because quitting crack and methamphetamines is one of my only major accomplishments that I can speak of. That and a GED.
I have always felt on the outside of society, on the outside of everything, every relationship, friendship, interaction, I always feel like I'm between a glass divide. Like I'm an alien or some animal at a wildlife exhibit. I can't ever join in on light hearted conversation with people, *shooting-the-breeze* as they call it. I feel guilty and sad all the time because I actually have been fortunate to find a few close friends that I have as support in my life but I am so distant and so detached all the time even when they try to get me to warm up or help make me feel comfortable around them. Im living with a very good friend who is actually an ex girlfriend but we just couldn't navigate the messiness of having a relationship. I'm very not "boyfriend" material. She is so great though and sweet and supportive but I cannot shake this feeling of embarrassment and shame and humiliation when I'm around her. Its like that with anyone that I try to "hang out with" or spend any time one on one (even worse in groups, I don't do groups anymore anyway).
I can't hold down a job. Even though I have no felonies or misdemeanors or crazy sex crimes or anything bad on my criminal record, I can't ever pass a workplace background check. I imagine its because of bad credit, having been evicted before, never having stability and moving around constantly so never able to keep a job for any long term period of time. When I do find jobs I usually have problems with my co-workers even though I don't mean to. I get accused of being rude and people get nervous around me, they think I'm a bad person or "sketchy". I've even had people make mean remarks that I must be a serial killer. This is because I don't like when co-workers ask me personal questions. I don't want to be asked what I did over the weekend or what my parents do for a living or what I think about xyz political or social issue. When I am fortunate to find work, my only focus is going to my job to do the tasks that are expected of me. It makes me sad because I know that I make people uncomfortable and upset when I don't mean to, I don't actually dislike them or think I'm better than anyone else I just dont socialize very well at all.
Anyway, I joined this forum because I recently found a copy of Michael John Carley's "Aspergers From The Inside Out". For those who are unfamiliar, the author did not find out that he had ASD until well into his 30's. I've never resonated with a book so much or cried so much from a book before. After reading, I wanted to join this forum because I desperately need to reach out to others who can help me. One thing that I do have *FINALLY* is a primary care physician and health insurance. I have my very first appointment with a behavioral health specialist coming up and I want to find out how to approach this. Maybe you all can give me some pointers? I do not want a diagnosis to wear it like a badge or use it as a crutch. In a way, I want the diagnosis because for the very first time in 35 years there is finally a tiny glimpse of hope - like something inside of me saying "see, there HAVE been reasons why you have struggled so much, its NOT all entirely your fault, there isn't anything wrong with you as a person you are just wired differently."
Opening myself up to even the possibility of being on the spectrum is really the only thing I have right now that is helping me feel like I might really actually be "okay" after all. I'm sorry for sharing so much at one time. I don't need to sugar coat the fact that those who made it this far probably know by now that this whole post is just a big cry for help anyway so hopefully you all will be kind and patient with me. I know I have a lot of questions but I can't seem to formulate any of them right now. What I really look forward to is meeting more people who didn't find out until later on in life (mid thirties preferably, like me) that they were on the spectrum. I'd like to hear about other peoples journeys and maybe make some new friends that can give me some advice as well. Oh and what I would love to learn the most is how to stop the perpetual negative self-talk or negative inner-critic, how to turn off the never ending mental highlight reel of all of my past mistakes. It is invasive, overwhelming and at 35 years, its becoming too much for me to be able to bear and tolerate. I'd just really like that to go away so I can think clearly and be okay.
Thank you everyone I'll go ahead and wrap this up now.
