I really don't know what I'm doing..

[lorelai]

Hello, I have posted here once before and i'll give a synopsis about my story. I have known this guy with high functioning autism for 5 years now, he would always talk to me, he would ask to see me etc, he would not flirt though so I don't even know if he is attracted anymore. I was in a relationship and he lives far away so I cant see him often. In person he doesnt really talk to me. In texts he would spam me with them, he would also call all the time and ask to see me like every month or so. I eventually stopped talking to him like a year or two ago, as I was in a long term relationship so i was not gonna fool around, plus he would just talk about the gym and send me pics of him all the time for me to edit and he was being very clingy. If I would not reply, he would spam me. It got to the point I started ignoring him.

He suddenly messaged me again this August, 2 months ago and asked me to go on vacations with him. I told him I cant at the moment because I am sick (chemo) but that i would like to do it sometime. I also told him I liked him. I felt he may have thought I had rejected him in the past so I just let him know because now the timing is good, im more mature and I would like for us to date or try to. He just stopped talking to me for a few weeks. I thought it was weird because in the past he would message me 24/7.. He suddenly reappeared after a couple of weeks and told me he is busy(something about vacations with his brother). I was nice and tried making conversation but he would just send 1 word and then disappear. He said he would message and call me and never did even though his vacations are long over, he has been saying we will talk for like 2 months now and we never do. While being active on social media daily.

So after a month or so I felt kind of like an idiot for telling him i liked him and i felt that he probably isnt even interested. I deleted him off fb and sent him a text saying something along the lines of ''idk what your deal is and if you are trolling me or if your brother told you to prank me or whatever (im not friends with his brother anymore and it didnt end well), but I think both you and I have better things to do than play games. Even though I know as an autistic person he isnt probably playing games, this was how i felt like. Either played or just rejected. That happened a couple of days ago. He instantly replied ''no you are wrong about my brother..why did you delete me from fb again? '' to which i replied and told him that if he is ever in town then he can message me and we can hang out. So yesterday he just messages me on fb all of a sudden and asks me to go on some romantic trip with him in 2 months from now. I told him it would be great and that I would love too.. The conversation about the trip kept on going till today, but it was me making it mostly, his texts are just cold and dead-ended, like one word etc.

I feel like I am bugging him. Like he is talking to me so that i dont walk away, as if he has to? Also his tone doesnt help, his messages are so stern. Should I stop talking and see if he talks? I dont want to be pushy if he doesnt want to talk but at the same time i dont want him to think im not interested.. It just feels like he doesnt want to, like he is basically telling me ''ok yea, see you in 2 months for the trip''. Which im not even 100% sure i can go to, i dont know if my health will be okay, plus its very very expensive and i have insane medical bills at the moment. Should I just let it go?

Thanks and sorry about my english x

 

[lorelai]

I should probably add that when I say he is active on social media every day, all day, all he does is liking pictures of other women, my feed is flooded -.-

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Chemo= tough time
This guy = difficulty,uncertainty. Drama.

Please look after yourself. Try finding some people who can nurture you.

Why not post on here about other things in your life?
You may get more perspective and help from that guy.

I remember your original post.

Just my initial thoughts, made with good intent.

 

[lorelai]

Well I decided to just remove him from my life because this whole getting in touch/disappearing etc etc is upsetting me. But then he just messages again. And im confused because everyone tells me that people with autism dont play games, yet it feels very much like it. He is obviously obsessed with someone else at the moment and keeping me as a backup plan. But at the same time i dont know if that is true. I talk about it with friends, those without autism tell me he is just playing me. I am looking after myself and he has nothing to do with it. I have been alone for so long and I am thinking of starting to date soon as my health is getting better. And i thought he was an option. I thought he must really like me to still remember me after all this time and ask to see me. I guess he just wants a one night stand or something. Which also feels totally off because if you remember, when i stayed at his place he would not even get near me. Yea. Confusion.

 

[OkRad]

I hope you are getting better!

 

[SusanLR]

Words often don't come easy. Trying to process what to say can come out very dry.
Showing affections aren't easy either.
Flirting isn't easy to someone I really have feelings for, yet I can do it to someone I don't know as a retort if they flirt with me.
Autism can really make communications difficult.

If it were me, I would hit the situation head on with blunt questions and statements. What have you got to lose?
You get turned down, pushed away at the worst.
Shutting down contact totally will end the same.
I would want answers first.

I do hope you will start feeling better.
I've never had chemo, but, I've had liver cancer and major surgeries. No chemo for the rare type I had.
Been in remission for seven years now. Just had my annual CT scan check up today and sick from the contrast tonight.

 

[MrSpock]

I might guess that you're playing games with him from what you've written. Contact has been established and broken more than once. Why would you expect him to be consistent when you're not?

Never mind the tone or frequency of his messages, does he say positive things about you and his feelings toward you, or are they negative, or are they mixed? Try to take what he says literally, do not look for hints which you think might be buried in there somewhere. If taking this approach gives an impression without self-contradiction then that impression is likely accurate. You have probably confused him at least as much as he's confused you.

Of course you've not told us so very much, so nobody will be able to tell you much for sure.

You should not stop talking to see if he talks. Playing games like that is likely to confuse him and the responses you get will not indicate how he feels, they are much more likely to indicate what his best guess at the proper reaction to your game is. Be honest and straightforward and expect the same. You may not be capable of doing that to the extent that he might, but that's the best way to get good information out of him and to make him comfortable I would guess.

 

[lorelai]

Words often don't come easy. Trying to process what to say can come out very dry.
Showing affections aren't easy either.
Flirting isn't easy to someone I really have feelings for, yet I can do it to someone I don't know as a retort if they flirt with me.
Autism can really make communications difficult.

If it were me, I would hit the situation head on with blunt questions and statements. What have you got to lose?
You get turned down, pushed away at the worst.
Shutting down contact totally will end the same.
I would want answers first.

I do hope you will start feeling better.
I've never had chemo, but, I've had liver cancer and major surgeries. No chemo for the rare type I had.
Been in remission for seven years now. Just had my annual CT scan check up today and sick from the contrast tonight.

Well I thought I was being blunt? I mean im nice to him, I told him I liked him, i make conversation. I should probably think of personal things to ask you mean? If you remember im shy myself so this isnt exactly easy haha I do have more experience with men now yea, im not a child anymore but i never really had to do this and take the lead.. He never even hit on me or said anything remotely flirty besides 2 days ago when I asked him if he is playing games along with his brother with me. I had a pic of me playing guitar at the time for profile pic and he told me he wants me to play guitar for him naked. In the 5 years I have known him this is the closest he has come to hitting on me. But then what? He ignores my messages and is just on fb liking pics of girls on his friend list

 

[lorelai]

I might guess that you're playing games with him from what you've written. Contact has been established and broken more than once. Why would you expect him to be consistent when you're not?

Never mind the tone or frequency of his messages, does he say positive things about you and his feelings toward you, or are they negative, or are they mixed? Try to take what he says literally, do not look for hints which you think might be buried in there somewhere. If taking this approach gives an impression without self-contradiction then that impression is likely accurate. You have probably confused him at least as much as he's confused you.

Of course you've not told us so very much, so nobody will be able to tell you much for sure.

You should not stop talking to see if he talks. Playing games like that is likely to confuse him and the responses you get will not indicate how he feels, they are much more likely to indicate what his best guess at the proper reaction to your game is. Be honest and straightforward and expect the same. You may not be capable of doing that to the extent that he might, but that's the best way to get good information out of him and to make him comfortable I would guess.

I dont understand how I am playing games sorry? He was being very persistant with me while I was in a relationship in the past and I dont cheat or even bother with guys who i think are attracted to me and want more (thats what i thought about him because he was literally messaging and calling every other minute. I was living with my bf and it was becoming an issue. Plus, he wasnt even saying anything besides stuff about the gym and asking me to edit his profile pics. Imagine keeping that up for years.).

Now he started talking to me again in August, I am available, I told him I liked him, I always reply and even message when he ignores me for weeks, I keep the conversation going. I dont understand what more I should do, he is the one breaking the contact.. I decided to stop talking to him and i was upfront about it, I asked if he was pranking me with his brother to see if i take the bait(something his brother would do btw). He said no and that he wanted to see me naked etc etc, write about it in the previous post. So i kept talking to him. I didnt just disappear or anything. He sends like 4-5 messages daily replying to what i have asked and its just 1 word or dead end messages. The rest of my messages he ignores and he is online all the time liking pics of girls.. Like he stops replying one day and then doesnt say anything for weeks until I do. I do feel like im bothering him? Like he will think im desperate if i keep it up? It has nothing to do with games, its giving space and stop being pushy, which i feel i am.. I mean with a guy without autism i would be the definition of clingy and im not like that at all, i am being something im not at the moment just because of his autism but even this way i mess up. In the past he used to message all the time, I guess this huge difference is apparent to me and its kinda sad because now im single and available.. He was chasing me when i wasnt. I am being honest, i told him how i felt. Maybe he just wants to meet me for a hookup without all the blah blah in the middle? I have no clue. At first i thought he must really like me to not let go of me for 5 years , even after we stopped talking for the past 2 or so

 

[lorelai]

He stopped replying yesterday afternoon again, almost 24 hours ago, even though he is on fb.. Im not saying we have to talk all the time or daily, but when he stops, he doesnt message again. For example, last time he didnt send anything for a month. From august to september 4. I was the one who sent something. Then he sent 1 text, disappeared for 2 weeks, again I was the one who sent something. Even though he was the one who contacted me first and asked to see me. You see what I mean? I feel bad and like im bothering him and that he isnt interested in talking anymore, just a one night stand. Which yea I know how ridiculous it sounds considering he never even touched me. He is maybe over me and interested in others now. Even though I did ask him, he said he is single. I do still like him, i do have patience but i will move on if he doesnt put in the work i do. It is a bit hurtful to be feeling this way

 

[lorelai]

I sent him a pic of me (he hasnt seen me in a long time) and he just said ''Wow! <3 '' I really dont know how to take this lol..

 

[lorelai]

I do hope you will start feeling better.
I've never had chemo, but, I've had liver cancer and major surgeries. No chemo for the rare type I had.
Been in remission for seven years now. Just had my annual CT scan check up today and sick from the contrast tonight.

Thanks, I do feel better some days.. Some days are hard. Did you get the results right away? Are you okay now?

 

[Keigan]

This situation is unfortunate. For the sake of sanity you might consider stepping away, drop all contact, block his phone.

Doing the same thing and expecting different results is not healthy.

 

[MrSpock]

I sent him a pic of me (he hasnt seen me in a long time) and he just said ''Wow! <3 '' I really dont know how to take this lol..

He likes you.

He stopped replying yesterday afternoon again, almost 24 hours ago, even though he is on fb.. Im not saying we have to talk all the time or daily, but when he stops, he doesnt message again. For example, last time he didnt send anything for a month. From august to september 4. I was the one who sent something. Then he sent 1 text, disappeared for 2 weeks, again I was the one who sent something. Even though he was the one who contacted me first and asked to see me. You see what I mean? I feel bad and like im bothering him and that he isnt interested in talking anymore, just a one night stand. Which yea I know how ridiculous it sounds considering he never even touched me. He is maybe over me and interested in others now. Even though I did ask him, he said he is single. I do still like him, i do have patience but i will move on if he doesnt put in the work i do. It is a bit hurtful to be feeling this way

Send him this - You stopped replying yesterday afternoon again, almost 24 hours ago, even though you are on fb. I'm not saying we have to talk all the time or daily, but when you stop, you don't message again. For example, last time you didn't send anything for a month. From August to September 4. I was the one who sent something. Then you sent one text, disappeared for two weeks, again I was the one who sent something. I feel bad like I'm bothering you and you aren't interested in talking anymore. Maybe you're over me and interested in others now? I do still like you, I do have patience but I will move on if you don't put in the work I do. It is a bit hurtful to be feeling this way.

Have you been anywhere near this direct? To stop talking to see if he talks seems like playing games to me. Doing things besides sending the above suggested message to try to get him to answer those questions seems like playing games to me. I've had few encounters with neurotypical women that did not seem like playing games when romance was concerned. I, and many people on the autistic spectrum, have a difficult time picking up on things that you use body language and facial expressions and hints to communicate. Using methods besides direct communication seems very much like playing games, he may tend to not receive such things the way that others do. To me such things are not fun, they're difficult puzzles which I fail at too often and which make women unavailable. They present riddles and take offence to the fact that I don't solve every one of them immediately.

I imagine that you've given him several riddles (been using indirect communication) and he's not done what you would expect. Yet you're still trying to figure this out, and that's sweet. I don't mean to suggest that you play games to be a b!tch, from my perspective nearly all women play games where starting up a relationship is concerned. I don't know why, but am trying to learn to deal with it. It's nice that you're trying from the other side instead of just running away as most NT women seem to do.

 

[Ebu004]

He likes you.




Send him this - You stopped replying yesterday afternoon again, almost 24 hours ago, even though you are on fb. I'm not saying we have to talk all the time or daily, but when you stop, you don't message again. For example, last time you didn't send anything for a month. From August to September 4. I was the one who sent something. Then you sent one text, disappeared for two weeks, again I was the one who sent something. I feel bad like I'm bothering you and you aren't interested in talking anymore. Maybe you're over me and interested in others now? I do still like you, I do have patience but I will move on if you don't put in the work I do. It is a bit hurtful to be feeling this way.

Have you been anywhere near this direct? To stop talking to see if he talks seems like playing games to me. Doing things besides sending the above suggested message to try to get him to answer those questions seems like playing games to me. I've had few encounters with neurotypical women that did not seem like playing games when romance was concerned. I, and many people on the autistic spectrum, have a difficult time picking up on things that you use body language and facial expressions and hints to communicate. Using methods besides direct communication seems very much like playing games, he may tend to not receive such things the way that others do. To me such things are not fun, they're difficult puzzles which I fail at too often and which make women unavailable. They present riddles and take offence to the fact that I don't solve every one of them immediately.

I imagine that you've given him several riddles (been using indirect communication) and he's not done what you would expect. Yet you're still trying to figure this out, and that's sweet. I don't mean to suggest that you play games to be a b!tch, from my perspective nearly all women play games where starting up a relationship is concerned. I don't know why, but am trying to learn to deal with it. It's nice that you're trying from the other side instead of just running away as most NT women seem to do.

I didn't read the rest of this but I agree with being very direct with him like the first paragraph. You've not much to lose hope all goes well for you

 

[lorelai]

QUOTE="MrSpock, post: 435132, member: 16876"]He likes you.




Send him this - You stopped replying yesterday afternoon again, almost 24 hours ago, even though you are on fb. I'm not saying we have to talk all the time or daily, but when you stop, you don't message again. For example, last time you didn't send anything for a month. From August to September 4. I was the one who sent something. Then you sent one text, disappeared for two weeks, again I was the one who sent something. I feel bad like I'm bothering you and you aren't interested in talking anymore. Maybe you're over me and interested in others now? I do still like you, I do have patience but I will move on if you don't put in the work I do. It is a bit hurtful to be feeling this way.

Have you been anywhere near this direct? ''

Yes, I was direct when I had enough a couple of days ago and asked him if he is playing games etc. I told him how I felt. His reply was that he isnt playing me or anything, nothing more. To which I replied something along the lines of ''Okay then, message me whenever you are in town and we will hang out''. Then I turned my phone off and when I woke up next day he had messaged me on fb as well(the previous conversation was on phone). He sent me a link and asked me if I wanna go to a romantic travel with him in november or december, its something really crazy, like a once in a lifetime experience. And that was the only message of his that actually contained a question and was making conversation. From then on, he would reply with 1-2 words. He then stopped talking yesterday afternoon till today when i messaged him almost 24 hours later and sent him my pic. He replied ''wow! <3'' and then I asked him how he is doing, he still hasnt read my message like 13 hours later and I know he is asleep now, he goes to sleep very early so maybe he will reply tomorrow but its very possible he will not. I just feel like im chasing him and like im being clingy, which i never am, i always give space and want space, but feeling like the other person would drop off the face of the earth if you dont bother, is just lame. I dont see him liking me that much

 

[MrSpock]

So you asked him if he was playing games and you got a straight answer. You said to message you when he's in town, and from what I can understand he has done that.

You've told us that relatively few of his messages contain questions or are long enough for you, have you told him this? Have you considered that (possibly from what I've read) he doesn't know that you would like him to message you even when he's not in town? The fact that he's asked you to go on vacation with him and you've accepted may well make him think that everything is fine, that you are both very aware that each likes the other a lot or else you would not be going on this trip together - we are told that actions speak louder than words. (Even though the offer and acceptance of the trip are words I'm counting that as actions, they are commitments as opposed to the other conversation you've mentioned.) Have you told him that you feel like you're chasing him and you feel uncomfortable because of it, that you wish he would send approximately equal numbers of text messages and word counts in those messages?

It sounds to me as though he likes you quite a bit. He may be unaware that you want things which you've not specifically told him you want. No man can read a woman's mind, however to me it seems that NT men have a big advantage in this regard, he may be even less able to read your mind than are most men. If you have not asked him for something quite literally and bluntly you cannot know that he is unwilling to provide these things, he may not know you want them, he may think that it's a mistake to do those things. In my experience dating is confusing and my history has more examples of failure than of good communication, if he's been told that he's clingy he may be trying not to be clingy and this is the result.

 

[lorelai]

So you asked him if he was playing games and you got a straight answer. You said to message you when he's in town, and from what I can understand he has done that.

You've told us that relatively few of his messages contain questions or are long enough for you, have you told him this? Have you considered that (possibly from what I've read) he doesn't know that you would like him to message you even when he's not in town? The fact that he's asked you to go on vacation with him and you've accepted may well make him think that everything is fine, that you are both very aware that each likes the other a lot or else you would not be going on this trip together - we are told that actions speak louder than words. (Even though the offer and acceptance of the trip are words I'm counting that as actions, they are commitments as opposed to the other conversation you've mentioned.) Have you told him that you feel like you're chasing him and you feel uncomfortable because of it, that you wish he would send approximately equal numbers of text messages and word counts in those messages?

It sounds to me as though he likes you quite a bit. He may be unaware that you want things which you've not specifically told him you want. No man can read a woman's mind, however to me it seems that NT men have a big advantage in this regard, he may be even less able to read your mind than are most men. If you have not asked him for something quite literally and bluntly you cannot know that he is unwilling to provide these things, he may not know you want them, he may think that it's a mistake to do those things. In my experience dating is confusing and my history has more examples of failure than of good communication, if he's been told that he's clingy he may be trying not to be clingy and this is the result.

I would totally think like this if he were always like that! The problem is, he wasnt, I have known him for a long time and before we stopped talking, he was not like this. He would make conversation, he would send me messages again and again, he would call all the time, it was nothing like this.. Now he asked to see me, I couldnt travel because im sick so he just stopped talking. I am the one who kept contact, he didnt even call when he said he would, he just disappeared for a month. So thats what is bugging me a bit I guess, to see this change in his behavior. You are right about the ''text me when you are in town'' part too, normally i would expect him to take it literally. Thing is, in the past that didnt stop him from contacting me. And even when i hadnt checked my messages, he would just send another and another. My then bf would get jealous. Yea, maybe some girl told him he was being clingy. I cannot know and distance is making this so much harder. And yea you are right. Without asking him and talking about it ill never know. I just feel embarassed by all this and dont want to appear to be a clingy nag again. Not sure yet how ill go about it. He is always so stern, it makes it harder. When I told him I liked him for example, he didnt say absolutely anything

 

[MrSpock]

He would make conversation, he would send me messages again and again, he would call all the time, it was nothing like this.

My then bf would get jealous.

I would suppose that you told him to stop being like that, and had no problem being quite literal in doing so. Have you been quite literal and told him that it's now okay? I am getting the impression that I have more respect for boundaries that women set than other guys do, and that this respect is sometimes misinterpreted as a lack of interest. If you have set a boundary using words literally you may have to undo it using a similarly direct method.

 

[Keigan]

What ever you decide to do, don’t do this as it is confrontational:

You stopped replying yesterday afternoon again, almost 24 hours ago, even though you are on fb. I'm not saying we have to talk all the time or daily, but when you stop, you don't message again. For example, last time you didn't send anything for a month. From August to September 4. I was the one who sent something. Then you sent one text, disappeared for two weeks, again I was the one who sent something. I feel bad like I'm bothering you and you aren't interested in talking anymore. Maybe you're over me and interested in others now? I do still like you, I do have patience but I will move on if you don't put in the work I do. It is a bit hurtful to be feeling this way.

Most aspie men will not read beyond the first sentence and will not respond. All this message does is show him that he is wrong and a failure, so why would he respond?

Lead your audience to the desired destination and state, don’t send them running for the hills.