This is going to be hard to post but please bear with me.
I used to have a friend that I met in 2009. She worked at a bookstore in the mall before it closed down and was the first female friend I made by reaching out socially. She was older than me by maybe a year or two (I forget. For the record, I was born in 1988 and met her when I was 21. I am 32 now.) and we happened to share an interest in manga which most women in the culture I live in don’t care for at all. For the next three years, we hung out almost whenever we could until the last year of our friendship when she moved two hours away and communication between us deteriorated.
Not only was she the first female friend I had made through establishing a bond on my own, she was also my first LGBT friend. To be specific, she was bisexual and polyamorous. Though she hugged me, held my hand sometimes, played with my foot and belly button on two separate occasions, and kissed my cheeks, she didn’t want to go further than that despite having told me her number of partners. In fact, during a rough period in our friendship, she aggressively told me she couldn’t do anything “romantic or sexual with you (meaning me)”. Partly why she was angry was because I got her a gift and it made her blood boil.
The rough periods usually involved how Aspergers affected my behavior at times and she would get exasperated with me but we would generally be able to mend things after both of us cooling off.
However, there were times I now wonder if she used me and I failed to notice it beforehand. She sometimes had me drive her around, buy her food and different things like movie tickets or stuff from Good Will (Which btw, she never paid me back on despite saying she would), and use my computer. She also once almost made me drive her to have a sexual threesome with two of her partners but on the day it was supposed to happen, she told me she changed her mind because she knew about my depression over being single so I didn’t have to do it.
She would introduce me to her friends but I didn’t mesh with them with the exception of one briefly. One I was willing to be friends with but she was hostile to me from the get go. I think it’s because we were meeting with the friend I briefly meshed with and the hostile one didn’t expect me to be there. The one I got along I unfortunately grew socially awkward suddenly because of the hostile person and I was never able to forge communications with her. That is something that still haunts me to this day as well.
In the last year of our friendship (2013), she became not only physically but emotionally distant from me. I remember telling her I hoped to see her again and she only replied “OK.” as if the message was annoying to her. Near the end of the year, she called me to tell me (her exact words): “I don’t like you. I am not your friend. Now, what do you have to say about that?” It felt like being verbally punched and I started hyperventilating. I tried to say something and she replied “Well, that was quiet.” which only made me feel worse. I finally told her things just needed to end and though she started to tell me she wished me well, I told her I didn’t and hung up. I was already having a bad day from being verbally abused and bullied at work (something that still hasn’t changed) and she pretty much ripped out my heart, burned it, and ate it. I didn’t want to get up the next day.
I’ve never been able to get past our friendship falling apart despite seven years passing. I don’t know if she’s still living where she moved or if she moved back to live with her parents and they might not even still live where they were living when I knew them. Even when I was going to Austin before the lockdowns, I had to go through the town where she lived and just doing that made me feel sad. I still have a collection of childhood pictures she herself gave me still in one of my dresser drawers but I don’t look at them. I’ve thought of dropping them off at her parents house as well as a letter telling her I wish our friendship never ended if she or her parents still live there. Maybe it would be like leaving flowers on a grave?
Even if this person sometimes used me and scolded me, a part of me misses the times she was warm to me. I just wish things could’ve gone further. She said she had a big heart but why couldn’t she love me? I don’t know if I’ll ever encounter her again; I fear she would tell me something like “You’re still doing the same things?” and I would have nothing to show for my efforts of trying to change my life. Others wonder why I feel so hopeless about my life and what I had to go through is partly why.
I used to have a friend that I met in 2009. She worked at a bookstore in the mall before it closed down and was the first female friend I made by reaching out socially. She was older than me by maybe a year or two (I forget. For the record, I was born in 1988 and met her when I was 21. I am 32 now.) and we happened to share an interest in manga which most women in the culture I live in don’t care for at all. For the next three years, we hung out almost whenever we could until the last year of our friendship when she moved two hours away and communication between us deteriorated.
Not only was she the first female friend I had made through establishing a bond on my own, she was also my first LGBT friend. To be specific, she was bisexual and polyamorous. Though she hugged me, held my hand sometimes, played with my foot and belly button on two separate occasions, and kissed my cheeks, she didn’t want to go further than that despite having told me her number of partners. In fact, during a rough period in our friendship, she aggressively told me she couldn’t do anything “romantic or sexual with you (meaning me)”. Partly why she was angry was because I got her a gift and it made her blood boil.
The rough periods usually involved how Aspergers affected my behavior at times and she would get exasperated with me but we would generally be able to mend things after both of us cooling off.
However, there were times I now wonder if she used me and I failed to notice it beforehand. She sometimes had me drive her around, buy her food and different things like movie tickets or stuff from Good Will (Which btw, she never paid me back on despite saying she would), and use my computer. She also once almost made me drive her to have a sexual threesome with two of her partners but on the day it was supposed to happen, she told me she changed her mind because she knew about my depression over being single so I didn’t have to do it.
She would introduce me to her friends but I didn’t mesh with them with the exception of one briefly. One I was willing to be friends with but she was hostile to me from the get go. I think it’s because we were meeting with the friend I briefly meshed with and the hostile one didn’t expect me to be there. The one I got along I unfortunately grew socially awkward suddenly because of the hostile person and I was never able to forge communications with her. That is something that still haunts me to this day as well.
In the last year of our friendship (2013), she became not only physically but emotionally distant from me. I remember telling her I hoped to see her again and she only replied “OK.” as if the message was annoying to her. Near the end of the year, she called me to tell me (her exact words): “I don’t like you. I am not your friend. Now, what do you have to say about that?” It felt like being verbally punched and I started hyperventilating. I tried to say something and she replied “Well, that was quiet.” which only made me feel worse. I finally told her things just needed to end and though she started to tell me she wished me well, I told her I didn’t and hung up. I was already having a bad day from being verbally abused and bullied at work (something that still hasn’t changed) and she pretty much ripped out my heart, burned it, and ate it. I didn’t want to get up the next day.
I’ve never been able to get past our friendship falling apart despite seven years passing. I don’t know if she’s still living where she moved or if she moved back to live with her parents and they might not even still live where they were living when I knew them. Even when I was going to Austin before the lockdowns, I had to go through the town where she lived and just doing that made me feel sad. I still have a collection of childhood pictures she herself gave me still in one of my dresser drawers but I don’t look at them. I’ve thought of dropping them off at her parents house as well as a letter telling her I wish our friendship never ended if she or her parents still live there. Maybe it would be like leaving flowers on a grave?
Even if this person sometimes used me and scolded me, a part of me misses the times she was warm to me. I just wish things could’ve gone further. She said she had a big heart but why couldn’t she love me? I don’t know if I’ll ever encounter her again; I fear she would tell me something like “You’re still doing the same things?” and I would have nothing to show for my efforts of trying to change my life. Others wonder why I feel so hopeless about my life and what I had to go through is partly why.
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