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I think I finally burned out my therapist

Ronin82

Ronin82

Dog Trainer Extraordinaire
V.I.P Member
We've been working together for almost 7 years now, but the last few weeks have been....rough. He's been short, impatient, and has mentioned ending therapy for several sessions now. I don't even know what happened! I mean, I can tell when I say something that really rubs him the wrong way, but he's always been the consummate professional. The thing is, this is a pervasive pattern in all my relationships, and I really don't want THIS one to end this way!

The pattern is this: I find someone I ACTUALLY feel a connection with, feel giddy and goofy and overwhelm the person with my intention to connect, let the masks down and be myself, get a little needy sometimes (abandonment issues) but I totally respect all stated boundaries, but when I feel that strong emotional connection I get scared and shut down, knowing this will just end, so I don't know how to express how I feel in healthy ways, and the other person ends up thinking I'm aloof and critical and complaining about everything they do when its really just me trying to connect in autistic ways. This ends with someone I really like feeling hurt and burned out, and I get scared of confrontation and I just...disappear, never to talk to the person again. EVERY relationship I've ever entered into does this and this pattern is one of the main reasons I can't keep a job, since bosses don't wait for things to get too weird before they just fire me.

I'm hoping we can find a way to work through this rift, both because I need to find a way to end this pattern and because I REALLY LOVE this therapist and could never replace him (he does lots of alternative therapeutic modalities, no one else in town does these). I'm FREAKING OUT because I'm going to present my idea to him next session to see if he even wants to try to repair the rift. Gotta admit, this is setting off my abandonment trauma in the worst way, but I'm coping ok for now. Trying not to "what if" myself into a panic attack! I almost lost this guy once to cancer. I don't want to lose him to my Autistic social skills!!

Before anyone asks, he was very clear at the beginning that he's not especially trained in Autism therapies, but he does have other ASD clients. I think the thing is, we are so alike in so many ways that we just set off each others' reactivity sometimes. Hasn't really been a problem until now, but he's never mentioned anything being an issue before. As an Autistic, I like that kind of feedback so I can attenuate my delivery of sensitive topics to something more NT-acceptable. I dunno....I'm just rambling now, and really scared. I didn't even sleep last night. I need hugs, desperately.
 
Do you think you trigger him perhaps? Some people really like us, some have an immediate dislike, like for some reason we trigger them. I would ask you if the therapist client relationship ceases, ask him what it was, what drove him to this. This will be hard to hear, but it's also a learning process, and you will become better for his honesty. Just a guess. Not sure really of the dynamics.
 
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My plan is to offer a break. We spend the rest of the month tying up loose ends and clearing the air, then take a break for a month. Check in after the break and discuss where we want to go from here. I know I do trigger him in some ways, but its only in the last few weeks that its really affected the session. Can't ignore this if its affecting us both like this....Its funny, in the beginning we had a real connection. He genuinely liked me and there was an air of playfulness to some of our interactions. I'm hoping we can find a way to bring that back somehow after the break. Right now I think he just needs some space to decompress after we talk about what's going on with the dynamic.
 
He may have some personal burden that he is handling and he is just needing to let go of certain clients. It could be unrelated to you also.
 
This sounds unprofessional. He should be speaking to his own therapist rather than take his frustrations out on a client. If he wants to terminate therapy, it should be for good reasons and be done in a gradual, gentle way that takes into consideration your abandonment issues and anxiety.
 
I agree with @Fino.

The onus is entirely on the therapist to manage his own triggers and to show up in therapy ready to meet you where you are at. If there are any intentions to end therapy, then the therapist should be discussing this directly with you in a structured way, not dropping hints.

Seven years with a therapist, things can get complicated, that is a long time and much has transpired, no doubt. Nevertheless, your job is to focus on yourself, the therapist’s job is to show up and be available to you.

Maybe he’s gotten too close and is letting his professionalism down a bit.
 
We had a good session and talked it all out. We're good! Yeah, he was definitely dealing with some stuff, but he worked it all out and we had a very productive session. I'm so glad, because this is the best therapist I've ever worked with, and I'm not ready to stop seeing him. He has a unique skillset that meshes so well with me and its something mainstream therapists don't do.
 
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