ableartery
New Member
Hi,
I'm 31 and I think I have Aperger's; I think I have had it my whole life, maybe? I could be wrong and just be an anxious person. As a child I did poorly in school, although I think I was fairly smart. I couldn't focus. the classroom was a kaleidoscope of feelings. Everything made me uncomfortable and anxious. My toes would ache in my shoes, I would stand up and walk around, ask to go to the bathroom, need something from the coat room, anything to have relief. I would get in trouble for making little things out of my supplies or drawing on my assignments. I loved when the punishment was isolation; I enjoyed being alone.
I could never make good friends, I had acquaintances; As a child it bothered me, as an adult it doesn't much. I was very shy but when I meet someone I'd be talkative and funny. I most have done something wrong because people wouldn't make deep connections with me. I felt different and odd, like I was alone and they where together; I still feel this.
I was very focused on drawing, its all I did. I collected toys and comic books, anything that interested me I collected. I get upset in crowds, it feels like everyone is looking at me. Growing up I developed rules for talking to people, for example 'if they look at me I look at them" I thought it was what "normal" people did, I see now that I began studying other peoples behavior because I wanted to be normal; I still do this. I began to see it as a skill that other people lacked, it gave me a little confidence to see it that way. Although my rules have gotten me into trouble, for example I use to stare at people as soon as they made eye contact which made me look creepy or aggressive; some people don't like being stared at. I still haven't gotten the timing right in the appropriate amount of time to stare at someones eyes . It makes me really uncomfortable when I do look directly into someones eyes; I look at their foreheads.
I still don't have any close friends, I prefer acquaintances. I hate large crowds, or anywhere with a lot of sounds. When I'm speaking to someone I hate having my hands exposed. I have a few tics I do when I'm nervous; I stab my finger nails under the other finger nails, I bite my lip, I blink to much, I crunch my toes over and over. I enjoy being alone, but would force myself to hang out with people because it was the normal thing to do, I'd pretend to have a good time. I pretend a lot.
I rant about things, until people tell me that they've had enough; I can't tell when they've had enough, up until they tell me I always assume they're enjoying what I'm saying. I get told frequently that I speak to fast. When I was a kid they told my mother I had ADHD, she never really followed through on it. I have a hard time telling when someone is joking sometimes; If I'm at work I get angry over a joke until I realize everyone else is laughing. Still I'm never convinced.
I replay social interactions I've had trying to figure out where I made my mistakes. I do this for most interactions I have. I dread small talk, I don't know how to do it. I thought myself to follow a script. I always say the same things. Joking and being humorous comes easy to me, its easy to trick people into laughing. Smells! smells drive me nuts, I can smell things even when other people can't. Sometimes I swear I smell colors, especially blue. I remember things in patterns and shapes, like directions or names. I convert them into shapes and recall the shape to remember the memory. I can't remember great amount of things, but I feel like I can remember memories of events really well. Not chronologically though, I remember whole days from childhood down to the smells but ask me to put them in order and I'm lost.
I get obsessed over projects, building things, crafting things, painting, art. I can spend whole days doing one thing till its done. Some times I get so overwhelmed when something I'm suppose to do doesn't happen like I planned it. When that happens it feels like I can't do anything. I'm talented at a lot of things except math. I can make whole paintings and program an app but I can't remember multiplications. I can read and remember everything about a subject I'm interested in but not if I find it boring.
I get angry, real angry when I hear repeating sounds, especially thumps or clicks. Or when I hear screeching. I can not wear certain fabrics, they make me anxious and give me a feeling of being scratched tell I'm bleeding. It takes me a long time to fall asleep, and if things are not perfect I stay up the whole night.
I don't understand peoples reasons for doing things sometimes. I get told that I'm an asshole, but I'm just being honest. But, then a lot of times people tell me intimate things and I find it strange because I don't understand why there telling me these things. They cry about silly things and I don't understand why? I don't get emotional often, I use to think I had no emotions; I still do sometimes. I mean I feel like I pretend at emotions somewhat.
When I'm truly sad or mad I really like being alone to plan in my head. I plan a lot, I plan conversations before they happen. I try to figure out what people are going to do before they do it, I think I'm pretty good at that. Anyways I'm ranting now, and my girlfriend just told me this might be to long. My girlfriend has it rough dealing with me sometimes. She didn't tell me to say that. Do I have Asperger's?
I'm 31 and I think I have Aperger's; I think I have had it my whole life, maybe? I could be wrong and just be an anxious person. As a child I did poorly in school, although I think I was fairly smart. I couldn't focus. the classroom was a kaleidoscope of feelings. Everything made me uncomfortable and anxious. My toes would ache in my shoes, I would stand up and walk around, ask to go to the bathroom, need something from the coat room, anything to have relief. I would get in trouble for making little things out of my supplies or drawing on my assignments. I loved when the punishment was isolation; I enjoyed being alone.
I could never make good friends, I had acquaintances; As a child it bothered me, as an adult it doesn't much. I was very shy but when I meet someone I'd be talkative and funny. I most have done something wrong because people wouldn't make deep connections with me. I felt different and odd, like I was alone and they where together; I still feel this.
I was very focused on drawing, its all I did. I collected toys and comic books, anything that interested me I collected. I get upset in crowds, it feels like everyone is looking at me. Growing up I developed rules for talking to people, for example 'if they look at me I look at them" I thought it was what "normal" people did, I see now that I began studying other peoples behavior because I wanted to be normal; I still do this. I began to see it as a skill that other people lacked, it gave me a little confidence to see it that way. Although my rules have gotten me into trouble, for example I use to stare at people as soon as they made eye contact which made me look creepy or aggressive; some people don't like being stared at. I still haven't gotten the timing right in the appropriate amount of time to stare at someones eyes . It makes me really uncomfortable when I do look directly into someones eyes; I look at their foreheads.
I still don't have any close friends, I prefer acquaintances. I hate large crowds, or anywhere with a lot of sounds. When I'm speaking to someone I hate having my hands exposed. I have a few tics I do when I'm nervous; I stab my finger nails under the other finger nails, I bite my lip, I blink to much, I crunch my toes over and over. I enjoy being alone, but would force myself to hang out with people because it was the normal thing to do, I'd pretend to have a good time. I pretend a lot.
I rant about things, until people tell me that they've had enough; I can't tell when they've had enough, up until they tell me I always assume they're enjoying what I'm saying. I get told frequently that I speak to fast. When I was a kid they told my mother I had ADHD, she never really followed through on it. I have a hard time telling when someone is joking sometimes; If I'm at work I get angry over a joke until I realize everyone else is laughing. Still I'm never convinced.
I replay social interactions I've had trying to figure out where I made my mistakes. I do this for most interactions I have. I dread small talk, I don't know how to do it. I thought myself to follow a script. I always say the same things. Joking and being humorous comes easy to me, its easy to trick people into laughing. Smells! smells drive me nuts, I can smell things even when other people can't. Sometimes I swear I smell colors, especially blue. I remember things in patterns and shapes, like directions or names. I convert them into shapes and recall the shape to remember the memory. I can't remember great amount of things, but I feel like I can remember memories of events really well. Not chronologically though, I remember whole days from childhood down to the smells but ask me to put them in order and I'm lost.
I get obsessed over projects, building things, crafting things, painting, art. I can spend whole days doing one thing till its done. Some times I get so overwhelmed when something I'm suppose to do doesn't happen like I planned it. When that happens it feels like I can't do anything. I'm talented at a lot of things except math. I can make whole paintings and program an app but I can't remember multiplications. I can read and remember everything about a subject I'm interested in but not if I find it boring.
I get angry, real angry when I hear repeating sounds, especially thumps or clicks. Or when I hear screeching. I can not wear certain fabrics, they make me anxious and give me a feeling of being scratched tell I'm bleeding. It takes me a long time to fall asleep, and if things are not perfect I stay up the whole night.
I don't understand peoples reasons for doing things sometimes. I get told that I'm an asshole, but I'm just being honest. But, then a lot of times people tell me intimate things and I find it strange because I don't understand why there telling me these things. They cry about silly things and I don't understand why? I don't get emotional often, I use to think I had no emotions; I still do sometimes. I mean I feel like I pretend at emotions somewhat.
When I'm truly sad or mad I really like being alone to plan in my head. I plan a lot, I plan conversations before they happen. I try to figure out what people are going to do before they do it, I think I'm pretty good at that. Anyways I'm ranting now, and my girlfriend just told me this might be to long. My girlfriend has it rough dealing with me sometimes. She didn't tell me to say that. Do I have Asperger's?
Last edited:
