I think my dad has aspergers.

[choco222]

Hi,

So this is my post on here.

I've always thought my dad was weird and different but could never figure out what it was. The more I read about aspergers the more I think he has it. He has never been diagnosed but i'm really curious if he has it. If anybody with experience could tell me what they think, that be great. Can anyone relate?

Here are some of his traits:
-very awkward socially
-often doesn't get when someone is being sarcastic or joking
-horrible at small talk
-few select interests he is obsessed with (politics, history, religion)
-he is always reading, writing, studying, learning. He can't just relax.
-when in a social situation he either is totally out of it or obsessively asking questions/ lecturing somebody (doesn't notice if the other person isn't interested)
-often in his own little world
-awkward body posture
-he used to (has grown out of it) have these weird facial expressions
-very direct/honest. He doesn't try to be mean but he doesn't know when to lie a little (like if you ask him if you look good in a dress or look fat)
-inflexible thinking/closed minded
-a little OCD
-unless the subject really interests him he has an extremely hard time listening to others
-there are so many more but I'll leave it at that

I love my dad and he is a very good dad. He loves me and is there for me. I know some of the things he does (like not listening) aren't his fault so I don't take it personally.

Are the things I listed symptoms of aspergers? A few of them i'm not sure.

Thanks

 

[Mr Faramoose]

a lot of those sound like strong traits yes, qhat sort of weird facial expressions do you mean? Like ones he does on purpose or without meaning to? The not getting sarcasm or jokes is definitely one. What's he like if he gets asked to go out to a social event? Does he say anything like he'd prefer to stay in doing his own thing or that he can't understand why people like being social/ doing small talk?

 

[choco222]

He didn't do the facial expressions on purpose. He would just have this weird nose/eye thing. I can't really explain it.

Well he doesn't really get asked to social events. Only with my mom. He's not really into social events. Only if it's with people he knows he will be able to discuss politics with, he enjoys it.

He's a learnaholic. Like he learns and studies for the fun of it. He never just relaxes and watches tv or enjoys a beer. He has to be watching a documentary or reading. He's so obsessed.

 

[choco222]

He's not an emotional guy at all and can be very insensitive. But I would say he has empathy. He would never wish harm on anybody.

 

[Cerulean]

Oh I can relate. My dad has many of those same traits, I also suspect him of being on the spectrum. I know if I suggested it he'd take it as an insult though.

 

[Soup]

He does sound like an Aspie according to what you've posted, but it can only really be diagnosed by a trained professional.

 

[Arashi222]

Speaking on a professional level it looks like he fits a lot of the traits and symptoms of AS however, its hard to diagnosis anyone over the internet it's just stepping stone to maybe either talkign to him or learning more about AS for you're own sake and making adjustments accordingly. AS can be a hard to diangosis in adults because so much of it has to be taken from when they were kids too. Good luck in talking to your dad.

 

[Serendipity]

Don't jump the gun by reading up on AS and then trying to diagnose your father. Try to get an official diagnosis.

 

[rb3377]

First post - here it goes...

I am almost 30 now, and have come to the (non-diagnosed) conclusion that my father has aspergers. I have two older siblings and we are all adopted (at birth). My mother is an amazing woman, who is successful in everything she does and has a close relationship with all her children. Both my parents worked, but my mother was the one who ended up earning a fortune and my father basically continued his business in the background, slowly losing money and eventually getting my mother in hot water because of his unsavory business practices. They almost divorced when I was 16 and she found out he had messed around with business after she had poured her own money into it. She chose to stay with him, and they are together to this day.

I know that my father loves me, but I have had a tough time growing up without an emotionally present father. My siblings have probably faired worse from it because they had their own batch of issues (possibly bi-polar/borderline) and not having a strong/relatable father made the situation worse. My mother would do her best to try and understand/help them, but my father would often butt heads and wasn't able to understand/cope with their problems. Because there were multiple undiagnosed mental growing up, my house was often a hot-bed of verbal abuse (siblings towards parents) and screaming matches. As the baby in the family, I would often close the door to my room and shut all the noise out. I suppose those experiences are what made me the calm person I am today. Eventually the siblings got older and moved out, and it was just the 3 of us left (me, mom and dad). The environment became much quieter, but it was then that I began to see that things didn't become the picture of normalcy as I'd expected.

Growing up, I knew my dad was distant, but I'd always figured he was an old soul. Because I got so much support/stimulation from my gregarious mother, my father always seemed content to be on the sidelines of parenting. In a house full of women (nanny, grandmother, aunt) my family always just referred to him as "intellectual" and he took on the role of quiet father figure. Unfortunately, in retrospect, it was too quiet. We never really had much in common, and when he would try and do things with me as a kid, they'd usually be something he enjoyed. Unfortunately his hobbies were going religion or politics/history, and he never really understood how to relate to things a young teen/adolescent would want to do. On the few occasions that he did make an effort to do something with me (take me to the Auto-Show to look at cool cars), he seemed bored and ready to leave sooner than later. His intellectualism often became a burden on me as he felt that the way in which he would parent would be to lecture me or try and make me do things that, while beneficial, were so preachy and self-righteous that I ended up resenting them. I learned to hate reading, not because I wasn't smart, but because at 9 years old he was obsessed that the TV was bad for me and just became insufferable about me watching anything. He wanted me to highlight the specific show I was to watch that night in the TV Guide and then only watch that one show. I suppose his heart was in the right place, but the detached strictness with which he enforced his ideas were cold and served to only push me away further. His other passion besides reading (religion) also lead to my current resentment for the religious process. Granted, religion is a personal family choice/issue, but when he would spend father-son time trying to bring me to our place of worship and then have me sit with the 'old-men's club' for lunch afterwards, it just served to further perplex me as to how I was supposed to relate to him. When it came to things I enjoyed, he would play along (trying to be a good father), but his lack of interest was palpable. He can still never remember any of my friends (and I'm the type to hold on to friends since childhood), and he really doesn't know me that well.

It seems people on this forum who have been in the same situation have learned to accept their fathers and try to have whatever relationship they can salvage. Unfortunately, I really have no interest in this. I do not feel like I need a father-figure, and the notion of trying to make it work bothers me because I know that he will never be able to have the relationship I would've wanted. I got plenty of love from my mother, and at this point, there's no paternal void in me that yearns to be filled. Thus, the only benefit from making an effort would be to make him feel like we were closer. Sadly, he already feels like were close, but I think for him that kind of relationship IS close.

Further, I find that at this stage in life, I unfortunately feel anger towards him for the way which he conducts himself. The anger isn't for me (as I said - not feeling the daddy issue thing so strongly), but more for my mother. I think she probably didn't realize this condition in him when they met, and because they're baby boomers, has chosen to just accept it as a quirky personality thing. Unfortunately, she ended up being the one to carry the entire family on her back, both financially and emotionally, and is such a strong and respectable person. It saddens me that she has my father as her partner, because not only did he cause big financial harm many years ago for which he was forgiven, but now is back to the same apathetic, detached, unhelpful person he has always been. She constantly makes excuses for him, and he is now, more than ever, content with just going along with her lead. She deserves a man who treats her like the amazing woman she is, but has instead become caretaker to some pre-conceived (and ultimately) false notion of a husband.

 

[cradius1]

First post - here it goes...

I am almost 30 now, and have come to the (non-diagnosed) conclusion that my father has aspergers. I have two older siblings and we are all adopted (at birth). My mother is an amazing woman, who is successful in everything she does and has a close relationship with all her children. Both my parents worked, but my mother was the one who ended up earning a fortune and my father basically continued his business in the background, slowly losing money and eventually getting my mother in hot water because of his unsavory business practices. They almost divorced when I was 16 and she found out he had messed around with business after she had poured her own money into it. She chose to stay with him, and they are together to this day.

I know that my father loves me, but I have had a tough time growing up without an emotionally present father. My siblings have probably faired worse from it because they had their own batch of issues (possibly bi-polar/borderline) and not having a strong/relatable father made the situation worse. My mother would do her best to try and understand/help them, but my father would often butt heads and wasn't able to understand/cope with their problems. Because there were multiple undiagnosed mental growing up, my house was often a hot-bed of verbal abuse (siblings towards parents) and screaming matches. As the baby in the family, I would often close the door to my room and shut all the noise out. I suppose those experiences are what made me the calm person I am today. Eventually the siblings got older and moved out, and it was just the 3 of us left (me, mom and dad). The environment became much quieter, but it was then that I began to see that things didn't become the picture of normalcy as I'd expected.

Growing up, I knew my dad was distant, but I'd always figured he was an old soul. Because I got so much support/stimulation from my gregarious mother, my father always seemed content to be on the sidelines of parenting. In a house full of women (nanny, grandmother, aunt) my family always just referred to him as "intellectual" and he took on the role of quiet father figure. Unfortunately, in retrospect, it was too quiet. We never really had much in common, and when he would try and do things with me as a kid, they'd usually be something he enjoyed. Unfortunately his hobbies were going religion or politics/history, and he never really understood how to relate to things a young teen/adolescent would want to do. On the few occasions that he did make an effort to do something with me (take me to the Auto-Show to look at cool cars), he seemed bored and ready to leave sooner than later. His intellectualism often became a burden on me as he felt that the way in which he would parent would be to lecture me or try and make me do things that, while beneficial, were so preachy and self-righteous that I ended up resenting them. I learned to hate reading, not because I wasn't smart, but because at 9 years old he was obsessed that the TV was bad for me and just became insufferable about me watching anything. He wanted me to highlight the specific show I was to watch that night in the TV Guide and then only watch that one show. I suppose his heart was in the right place, but the detached strictness with which he enforced his ideas were cold and served to only push me away further. His other passion besides reading (religion) also lead to my current resentment for the religious process. Granted, religion is a personal family choice/issue, but when he would spend father-son time trying to bring me to our place of worship and then have me sit with the 'old-men's club' for lunch afterwards, it just served to further perplex me as to how I was supposed to relate to him. When it came to things I enjoyed, he would play along (trying to be a good father), but his lack of interest was palpable. He can still never remember any of my friends (and I'm the type to hold on to friends since childhood), and he really doesn't know me that well.

It seems people on this forum who have been in the same situation have learned to accept their fathers and try to have whatever relationship they can salvage. Unfortunately, I really have no interest in this. I do not feel like I need a father-figure, and the notion of trying to make it work bothers me because I know that he will never be able to have the relationship I would've wanted. I got plenty of love from my mother, and at this point, there's no paternal void in me that yearns to be filled. Thus, the only benefit from making an effort would be to make him feel like we were closer. Sadly, he already feels like were close, but I think for him that kind of relationship IS close.

Further, I find that at this stage in life, I unfortunately feel anger towards him for the way which he conducts himself. The anger isn't for me (as I said - not feeling the daddy issue thing so strongly), but more for my mother. I think she probably didn't realize this condition in him when they met, and because they're baby boomers, has chosen to just accept it as a quirky personality thing. Unfortunately, she ended up being the one to carry the entire family on her back, both financially and emotionally, and is such a strong and respectable person. It saddens me that she has my father as her partner, because not only did he cause big financial harm many years ago for which he was forgiven, but now is back to the same apathetic, detached, unhelpful person he has always been. She constantly makes excuses for him, and he is now, more than ever, content with just going along with her lead. She deserves a man who treats her like the amazing woman she is, but has instead become caretaker to some pre-conceived (and ultimately) false notion of a husband.

 

[cradius1]

I can't believe I found your post, it really spoke to me. I left home at 15 years old to live with relative in another town and have had a normal relationship with my mother. The relationship with my father however has been very different, we were never close, sure I called him on father's day, visited for Christmas, but he's always made it clear to my mother that he's disappointed in all of his children because we're not as successful as he would like. I don't blame him for this though I have never seen him work a day in his life, my mother has worked so hard her whole life to provide for her many children, my father has stayed home and obsessed over computers and has been physically and emotionally abusive to all of us. To get to the point I was in an automobile accident over this last summer and busted up pretty good, I haven't been able to work and my mother has invited me to stay with them because I lost my job. Being around my father now as an adult it all makes sense, my little sister is 27 years old and lives at home still, she is autistic. Regarding my auto accident my mother has been very sympathetic and invested in my recovery, my father has a complete lack of empathy and despises any sort of responsibility and has been very upfront about the burden I put on him that he has to wake up before noon and take me to see one of my doctors for a follow-up appointment once a week, he has also made jokes about brain damage as my neurosurgeon has stated that I had a bleed in my brain. My father is also obsessed with Christianity, he can babble on for literally 5 hours straight a out how evil we all are because we're not successful, and God is punishing us, yet he can't grasp the fact that he does nothing but spend my mothers money on electronics and sit around 24-7 surfing the internet, listening to conservative talk radio and religious programs. My mother has told me that he's been this way for the 40 years they've been together, and she has just felt sorry for him all these years.