I thought he was "just too smart" to show emotions

[DebWHNP]

I have been seeing a man (long distance) for the past couple of years. It was wonderful to find a man who was non-judgmental and incredibly smart. There was no subject that he was not comfortable and knowledgeable about. I excused his aloofness and lack of the usual displays of affection as being "too smart" to have the usual social norms...then it became apparent that he was different. I realized that he was high functioning aspergers before being told this. I have told him that I don't want to see or hear from him. However, I really do, but I want the emotional stuff that he is incapable of giving. I keep thinking that things will be different. I have to constantly have this conversation with myself about the reality of him. I find it impossible to block him from my email or Skype... I am a very intelligent woman and have discussed this at length with my peers who are also medical providers and they agree that this is a no win situation and recommend I completely block him. I don't know how to let go. He seems completely oblivious to my needs, even though I have discussed them with him. When I tell him that I can't continue with the abrupt behavior, he gets angry and defensive. When I ignore him for months, he sends a new email, like nothing ever happened. Does anyone have a successful relation with someone like him?

 

[Mia]

When you write this kind of post on a forum whose membership is almost exclusively people with Asperger's it creates discomfort for some individuals. People here have been in relationships and marriages that didn't work out, over their lifetimes.

Often made to feel as if they were somehow 'wrong' in some way, made responsible for a situation that takes two people to create. Aspies are not 'wrong' for being who they are, it seems that in the fake and superficial world around us, we simply don't pretend as much as others to fit in. We don't say the expected things, and don't like the games that others play in the name of social interaction.

There are people who also have successful marriages and relationships with Aspies, myself included. Have been married to my husband for more than thirty years.

Yet I understand that it's rare for any kind of relationship to work out perfectly. In a relationship with an Aspie, you must be independent and emotionally mature. Not all your emotional needs will be met by anyone, Aspie or no.

Often it's up to the individual to meet their own emotional requirements and not rely on another person to fulfill all of them. It's what people want from a relationship that defines who they are as individuals, and expectations can be unrealistic when it comes to relationships. Perhaps why many connections simply don't work in the long term.

I cannot advise you on this affinity you have with another person. It's dependent on the two people in it, and how much they want the relationship to work, how much they are willing to give. Much like any relationship.

 

[Crossbreed]

Also, have you confirmed that he lacks affection across the board?

My wife had to chase me at first, because I didn't know how to read relationships. In previous relationships, I had tried to be more intimate, incorrectly reading the other person. In others, I'm sure that I missed cues by erring on the side of caution. As my wife chased me, she made it clear what she wanted and I felt like I had her permission to be more intimate.

I grew up in a huggy family and have been huggy with my children, but I'm more reserved with people with whom I haven't established a close relationship. My severely autistic daughter is very huggy, too.

That is all to say that not all autistics are averse to physical affection, but sometimes you need to "draw pictures..."

If that isn't the case, I understand why you would want to get out early. In our case, it has been my NT wife who has become more withdrawn (between her depression and her anti-depressants).

 

[Elemental]

Relationships can be challenging regardless of ASD status. As an Aspie female, I am aware that my tolerance levels of other people & situations can be sometimes inconsistent & so any relationship I might embark on might present some extra challenges. Mature adults who care about each other could probably work together to try to overcome & accommodate such issues arising. An aspect of this might entail sporadic rendezvous & communication because anything more time-demanding can be tiring emotionally & unsustainable, practically.

 

[Suzanne]

To be honest, as I was reading your post, I found myself to be horrified at your assumption that he has the same feelings towards you or more to the point, is being some kind of jerk, for not showing you the so needed emotions you are demanding from him.

I feel that bluntless is called for here: he has no interest romantically in you and why he acts normal, because to him, there is no relationship and why block him? He is the innocent in all this. It is YOU who are overthinking here.

Saying that you told him that you neither want to see or hear of him again, but the opposite applies, totally confuses the heck out of him! So saying that one moment, but then saying something else the next moment, is like: what on earth and he naturally gets angry, because he cannot read you and you are mixing up emotions.

My husband had this gripe with me for years ie I don't show enough emotions; I don't touch him enough etc etc. At first, I thought it was the molestation I had gone through, as a child, but when I found out I have aspergers too, it all fit into place.

I think, for your own mental health and physical health, you really could do yourself a favour and use your intelligence to know that it is a no go with this guy and even if it were, it is not for you, because he cannot give you want you want!

 

[Cali Cat]

Does he in fact realize there is/was a romantic relationship going on between you two? When you say long-distance, how often do you actually get together? He may not understand what's really going on with you, and may get angry because he's confused.

It is true, some of us are not the most emotionally satisfying people in the world, but if this is the case with him, and emotional satisfaction is what you crave, then the answer seems simple to me. You are still in that phase where you're trying to project your desires onto him, but he's not capable of being what you need.

Sounds like it's time to move on. Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it.

 

[Judge]

Does he in fact realize there is/was a romantic relationship going on between you two? When you say long-distance, how often do you actually get together? He may not understand what's really going on with you, and may get angry because he's confused.

Point well taken. What can seem obvious to a Neurotypical is simply not the case for most of us on the spectrum of autism. Compounded with all the unknowns and uncertainties of an online relationship. Possibly complicated even more so if this person is completely unaware of their own neurology.

In person and in real time I've been told I've had women hit on me where I didn't have a clue. Going online, I suppose it all depends on how blunt one is as to whether or not we "get it." Probably sounds silly for NTs, but for us it's more a case of who and what we are.

 

[Crossbreed]

In person and in real time I've been told I've had women hit on me where I didn't have a clue. Going online, I suppose it all depends on how blunt one is as to whether or not we "get it." Probably sounds silly for NTs, but for us it's more a case of who and what we are.

That is what I meant by

..., but sometimes you need to "draw pictures..."

 

[Judge]

That is what I meant by

Indeed. Some of the simplest emotions by NT standards go right over our heads.

Especially anything merely implied. Not that we didn't hear it...but that we may not neurologically be able to process it. Or if we do, it may work only as a delayed reaction in some cases. Where at times we simply can't keep up in real-time.

 

[DebWHNP]

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for helping me understand that my message may have made some feel uncomfortable. That was not my intention.
I am trying to (hoping to) gain some insight on if a relationship is possible. I would love to be able to continue to see him. I told him to not contact me after an argument before I understood that he has Aspergers. Now, I am testing the waters. Hoping to find understanding of this disorder. Now that I understand what is the cause of his difference, I think I would like to see if I can continue with him, but from a place of understanding.

When you write this kind of post on a forum whose membership is almost exclusively people with Asperger's it creates discomfort for some individuals. People here have been in relationships and marriages that didn't work out, over their lifetimes.

Often made to feel as if they were somehow 'wrong' in some way, made responsible for a situation that takes two people to create. Aspies are not 'wrong' for being who they are, it seems that in the fake and superficial world around us, we simply don't pretend as much as others to fit in. We don't say the expected things, and don't like the games that others play in the name of social interaction.

There are people who also have successful marriages and relationships with Aspies, myself included. Have been married to my husband for more than thirty years.

Yet I understand that it's rare for any kind of relationship to work out perfectly. In a relationship with an Aspie, you must be independent and emotionally mature. Not all your emotional needs will be met by anyone, Aspie or no.

Often it's up to the individual to meet their own emotional requirements and not rely on another person to fulfill all of them. It's what people want from a relationship that defines who they are as individuals, and expectations can be unrealistic when it comes to relationships. Perhaps why many connections simply don't work in the long term.

I cannot advise you on this affinity you have with another person. It's dependent on the two people in it, and how much they want the relationship to work, how much they are willing to give. Much like any rela

When you write this kind of post on a forum whose membership is almost exclusively people with Asperger's it creates discomfort for some individuals. People here have been in relationships and marriages that didn't work out, over their lifetimes.

Often made to feel as if they were somehow 'wrong' in some way, made responsible for a situation that takes two people to create. Aspies are not 'wrong' for being who they are, it seems that in the fake and superficial world around us, we simply don't pretend as much as others to fit in. We don't say the expected things, and don't like the games that others play in the name of social interaction.

There are people who also have successful marriages and relationships with Aspies, myself included. Have been married to my husband for more than thirty years.

Yet I understand that it's rare for any kind of relationship to work out perfectly. In a relationship with an Aspie, you must be independent and emotionally mature. Not all your emotional needs will be met by anyone, Aspie or no.

Often it's up to the individual to meet their own emotional requirements and not rely on another person to fulfill all of them. It's what people want from a relationship that defines who they are as individuals, and expectations can be unrealistic when it comes to relationships. Perhaps why many connections simply don't work in the long term.

I cannot advise you on this affinity you have with another person. It's dependent on the two people in it, and how much they want the relationship to work, how much they are willing to give. Much like any relationship.

 

[DebWHNP]

No, he does have times when he displays affection. It is brief and always follows my initiation (which I am seeing is not uncommon in this type of relationship). Sexual intimacy is good, but he withdraws into his own interests quickly. He said that he had no idea that anything was wrong when his previous wife asked for a divorce. He thought everything was great. She told him that she couldn't continue feeling like she was alone even when he was with her. He has told me that he has no concerns/cares for anyone other than his very close friends (which includes me) and his daughter.
I am feeling heartened seeing that others are able to make things work. It appears that education, understanding and acceptance are the keys.

Also, have you confirmed that he lacks affection across the board?

My wife had to chase me at first, because I didn't know how to read relationships. In previous relationships, I had tried to be more intimate, incorrectly reading the other person. In others, I'm sure that I missed cues by erring on the side of caution. As my wife chased me, she made it clear what she wanted and I felt like I had her permission to be more intimate.

I grew up in a huggy family and have been huggy with my children, but I'm more reserved with people with whom I haven't established a close relationship. My severely autistic daughter is very huggy, too.

That is all to say that not all autistics are averse to physical affection, but sometimes you need to "draw pictures..."

If that isn't the case, I understand why you would want to get out early. In our case, it has been my NT wife who has become more withdrawn (between her depression and her anti-depressants).

 

[DebWHNP]

Thank you. You just shed a light on a curious behavior I saw in him when we first started seeing each other. He would leave in the middle of the night. When he would call the next day, it was like nothing out of the norm happened. He just said that it was too much and he had to leave. I came to accept it long before I understood what caused his difference. After some months, he started staying all night. Maybe that is why this long distance thing works well for us. Never spending more than 36 hours together at a time. Interesting...and hopeful.

Relationships can be challenging regardless of ASD status. As an Aspie female, I am aware that my tolerance levels of other people & situations can be sometimes inconsistent & so any relationship I might embark on might present some extra challenges. Mature adults who care about each other could probably work together to try to overcome & accommodate such issues arising. An aspect of this might entail sporadic rendezvous & communication because anything more time-demanding can be tiring emotionally & unsustainable, practically.

 

[DebWHNP]

To be honest, as I was reading your post, I found myself to be horrified at your assumption that he has the same feelings towards you or more to the point, is being some kind of jerk, for not showing you the so needed emotions you are demanding from him.

I feel that bluntless is called for here: he has no interest romantically in you and why he acts normal, because to him, there is no relationship and why block him? He is the innocent in all this. It is YOU who are overthinking here.

We first met face to face over coffee. I noticed that he didn't make much eye contact, but thought he was just a little shy. He said that he would call the next day...then didn't. I didn't think much of that since that isn't uncommon after meeting someone from a dating site. Then 5 or 6 months later, I get a message from him from another dating site. He said that he had been searching for me for months (I deleted my account shortly after I met him because of an unrelated event). Then we started seeing each other once or twice a month. Yes, after some time with him, I told him that I cared for him. At that time, he told me that he has trouble expressing affection until years with someone. Most of the times were good. There were times when he was agitated and my feelings would get hurt. Then, the next time he called or saw me, it was like nothing happened. If I wanted to talk about it, he would get angry again.

He moved to another state for a new job. He asked me to consider moving there...I did consider it. Each time we would skype it was terrific or horrible no middle of the ground. Then I told him that I couldn't continue this way and for him to not contact me. I didn't respond to calls, emails or Skype requests for about a year...until a couple of weeks ago when he said that he was coming my way and wanted to see me. That is when I decided to see about learning if a mixed relationship like this could ever work by me learning about it and seeing how/if others were successful.

 

[Datura]

Full disclosure: I am not diagnosed with ASD, and while some of my behaviours are consistent with a diagnosis, others are not.

That said; I also find romantic intimacy difficult. My past partners have described me as "un-romantic" or even "cold". Often I believe I misjudge weather or not I am being flirted with. It is also hard to know when one should or should not make an advance. Will it be welcome, will it not? Might my attempts come off as awkward or offputting in some manner even if an advance is welcome? Furthermore; my desire for physical contact is often at odds with that of my partner with them desiring much more of it than I do.

There is also the issue of verbally expressing affection. I think it is often expected that one person will say things such as, "I love you.", or, "I could never live without you.", to their partner. I find for myself (and it would seem to be true for others) that these phrases are unconcomfortable to say. "I love you" is such a cliche, for example, that saying it almos seems bereft of mening, especially when it is expected that you say it. That is the type of thing that one should only say after very careful consideration, and not under any form of social duress.

"I could never live without you.", is simmilarly fraught, but also catagorically false in that we would likely continue to live, and perhaps eventually thrive if our relationship were to come to an end. Simmilarly, saying that you will love someone forever, or never leave them might turn out to be false at some point in the future. I recall one of my girlfriends asked me if I would love her no matter what and I had to inform her that if she were to do something horrible, like murder somebody or eat my face that I wouldn't be able to love her any more. This upset her, and I understand why now, but the fact is that I couldn't commit to such an absurdly absolute statement, whereas (I suppose) most people in a romantically charged scenario would.

I think it is hard for people to understand that sometimes I just don't want to be touched. Don't get me wrong, I love to kiss and cuddle and all of that, but sometimes I just feel overwhelmed and even a hand on my shoulder is too much to handel. Other times I will freeze up, unable to talk, make eye contact, or even move all that much. This isn't nessessarily any slight against my partner, sometimes I just can't process everything and I need time to recalibrate.

Of course, I am also asexual, which may or may not have anything to do with my (possible) ASD. This on its own might explain why my tolerances for physical intimacy are different from most. Just about the time during a cuddle session that most people are ready to "get down to business" I am usually quite satisfied and ready to do someting else, like read a book, or maybe play a nice board game. This is understandably frustrating for both parties involved.

At any rate; that's just me. Much of what I said may not apply to your boyfriend, but I suspect that some of the earlier examples I listed might. When it comes to persuing a relationship you will obviously have to be realistic and ask if you are compatable, just like with anyone else. Knowing where he is coming from will obviously help. I suggest that if you don't understand his perspective to open up a conversation without bing accusatory. His ways might be strange to you, but it goes both ways. Even though NT behaviour is the norm that makes it no less alien to somebody on the spectrum. Reconciling the difference will take open communication on both of your parts, just like in any healthy relationship.