I want a partner and children

[Markness]

All four of my siblings are married and have children. A lot of my cousins are doing the same things and most people I’ve interacted at work with are as well. Yet, I continue to go through life without a partner and I don’t have children. I’ve tried many social avenues to change things around but nothing ever goes my way. My mother not only wanted me to not have a girlfriend, she also wanted me to have a vasectomy.

 

[Aspychata]

Why is your mother soooo controlling? Your body is your choice. Have you confronted your mom with the fact that she is too controlling? Your mother shouldn't be making your relationship decisions. Why does she micromanage your life? Are you afraid to confront her? You have held a job for quite some time. You sound responsible to me.

Sometimes you have to ask questions to understand parents. Did someone micromanage her as she grew up? Is she afraid of being alone so she prefers you stay dependent on her and a relationship would mean she would no longer control you? You need to start asking questions.

 

[Markness]

Why is your mother soooo controlling? Your body is your choice. Have you confronted your mom with the fact that she is too controlling? Your mother shouldn't be making your relationship decisions. Why does she micromanage your life? Are you afraid to confront her? You have held a job for quite some time. You sound responsible to me.

She’s a self-admitted control freak and that largely stems from her own insecurities. I tell her to stop being such a damn control freak constantly and I don’t apologize for it because it’s not smack talk since she labels herself as one. She has no sense of boundaries and I am not afraid to confront her. I’ve even cussed at her and even pushed her away after she went on a drunken rant to me.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

My parents lucky don't bother me. They understand why I am single.

I just hear crap from my male friend saying the same you are obsessed which is unhealthy and you are not ready yet he is married and even meet his wife at the same venues I been going too for three years.

I know you have it bad but I have it worse. I am overweight, unemployed, suffer from multiple types of phobias, I am on six medications and I am 10 years older than you.

When I try to socialize at Church i see all the couples around me married. I try to talk to people but once the silence comes on or I am rudely inturrupted I end up sitting by myself until I end up putting on my headphones and listen to music.

 

[Aspychata]

You are in a extreme dysfunctional relationship. This explains your outlook on life.

 

[Gerontius]

Reddit has cases similar to this described on r/raisedbynarcissists. It's not too late to break free. The old bag can shift for herself--You're her "supply," Markness; narcissists live in a sort of Mad Max existence where they keep people around to supply them with validation (instead of tying them to the radiator of a truck to use as blood donors. Weird movie, but hey.)

Try this web site--it's great.
Out of the FOG

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

@Markness ,that sounds like a burdensome situation at home. I internalized a lot of negative crap from my mother and even as I tried to shut it out, her fearfulness and trying to keep me dependent had an impact. I only improved by gaining my own agency, and that began by learning to live on my own. Doing that clearly defined my own dysfunction and provided the push for me to change.

Are you ably to live independently? Perhaps that should be a goal. While not necessary for a relationship, living independently is substantial for showing that you have the resources to nurture a relationship and have your own goals. It demonstrates that you have a life. When I started dating I preferred women who lived on their own. They usually had a more balanced and practical outlook on life.

 

[Tom]

Remember. Horse, then cart. Horse, then cart.

 

[Markness]

Are you ably to live independently? Perhaps that should be a goal. While not necessary for a relationship, living independently is substantial for showing that you have the resources to nurture a relationship and have your own goals. It demonstrates that you have a life. When I started dating I preferred women who lived on their own. They usually had a more balanced and practical outlook on life.

I can’t say affirmatively; I’ve never been allowed to even try. My mother is paranoid that I might die in the streets or something else extreme. She also constantly tells me I can barely even afford a ghetto apartment.

It honestly also hurts that I got told it would be “horrifying” if I had children and that I would be an abuser. My older brother once accused me of that just because I used to be mean to my younger brother despite how my older brother was mean to the both of us. His prediction didn’t come true but that’s because I still can’t even get a coffee date let alone get married.

 

[Homulilly]

she also wanted me to have a vasectomy.

This sounds extremely problematic. She sounds VERY controlling and it's not a good idea to live with her. I know it's tough to start living independently, but judging from this and your other posts, this probably will benefit you a lot. Also, take this as a cue to not put up with her crap. Sounds that you are already doing that.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I can’t say affirmatively; I’ve never been allowed to even try. My mother is paranoid that I might die in the streets or something else extreme. She also constantly tells me I can barely even afford a ghetto apartment.

Have you looked around and figured out a budget? What is actually preventing you from living on your own? If you do, that does not mean you are not going to visit your mother unless you decide not to. I used to sponge off my parents to do my laundry at their house and so would visit them to keep some communication open.

 

[Markness]

This sounds extremely problematic. She sounds VERY controlling and it's not a good idea to live with her. I know it's tough to start living independently, but judging from this and your other posts, this probably will benefit you a lot. Also, take this as a cue to not put up with her crap. Sounds that you are already doing that.

Oh, trust me, I don’t put up with her. I have no qualms telling her she’s a control freak and that it’s her fault my life is in a bad situation.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Oh, trust me, I don’t put up with her. I have no qualms telling her she’s a control freak and that it’s her fault my life is in a bad situation.

My answer to such is not to blame others unless you are actively working to change your own situation. It's time to put on your big boy pants and do something to provide for yourself.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

All four of my siblings are married and have children. A lot of my cousins are doing the same things and most people I’ve interacted at work with are as well. Yet, I continue to go through life without a partner and I don’t have children. I’ve tried many social avenues to change things around but nothing ever goes my way. My mother not only wanted me to not have a girlfriend, she also wanted me to have a vasectomy.

jokingly or in all seriousness,mine said something similar,but she didn't say or mention anything about a vasectomy.

 

[tree]

Oh, trust me, I don’t put up with her. I have no qualms telling her she’s a control freak and that it’s her fault my life is in a bad situation.

How does telling her that "it’s her fault my life is in a bad situation"
improve things for you?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

How does telling her that "it’s her fault my life is in a bad situation"
improve things for you?

I found that blaming others only let me hold onto my resentment for far longer than was healthy.

 

[PinkPhilodendron]

I have read posts of you quite a few times and have wondered what had happened to you in your life.

Now I know.

I am sorry to read that you live in a toxic relationship with your mother. It's obviously ruining your life. So much that you have lost any sense of the power that you hold as an individual who is not sewn into her.

I hope you can get out of the relationship some day and grow up to be an independent and happy person.

Good luck!!!

 

[Aspychata]

The problem is if we stay in a toxic union then it becomes our normal. And we end up not making an effort to change. Kinda learned helplessness.

So you start riding your mule around in a circle and soon you can't break free. That's why everyone asks you if you have plans to hightail out of your mom's clutches and actually feel what it's like to feel free.

So what is up with that? Do you have the financial ability to share a place with a roommate or rent a bedroom? Start out small with another guy and see how it goes. Maybe someone at the library needs money and knows you well enough to rent to you.

 

[Markness]

Have you looked around and figured out a budget? What is actually preventing you from living on your own? If you do, that does not mean you are not going to visit your mother unless you decide not to. I used to sponge off my parents to do my laundry at their house and so would visit them to keep some communication open.

I haven’t because I honestly don’t know how to go about that. I also have dyscalculia which makes finances difficult for me to understand. The things that prevent me from living on my own are my control freak mother, low income, anxiety issues, and growing physical health problems.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Would you not be entitled to benefits which could help you find somewhere more affordable? Or job search for something with better pay? Maybe even less stress?

Ed