I want to make a new friend - ideas?

[AuroraBorealis]

I need some help/inspiration on how to make friends after my move to a new city. I am getting settled at my job and with the hour reduction I feel like I am slowly working up enough energy again to feel the need to make a friend.

I am fully aware that building a friendship takes time. I just would like some inspiration.

My go-to so far to make friends has been work / the place I spend most of my time at, but in my current situation that's not an option because although there are some people at my workplace whom I like and who seem to like me, my work is in another city and those colleagues don't live in the same city as me.
So I'm stuck in the tricky place where I need to figure out where to meet people and how to befriend someone - something I find extremely difficult if I don't see them every day (such as school or work).

I joined an autism support group, but the people there are considerably older than me, and so far there wasn't anyone I'd really vibe with.

As far as interests go, I like the following:
- reading
- working out / sport, although the specific sport changes every so often
- specific TV series and book series (books mostly fantasy)
- animals
- natural sciences, going to natural history museums or to the zoo
- going dancing/singing somewhere where I like the music - such as karaoke with a certain selection, or Irish/medieval music for dancing
Those seem to be the most consistent ones. I get new interests that spark up from time to time, but those aren't very durable.

Generally, I just want to meet someone who gets me. I probably watch too many TV series, but I want one of those friends quirky TV characters seem to have, the one they can unmask around and who's a safe person for them. I know that those are fictional and I shouldn't aim for it since it's unlikely to happen, but I still wish for it. I consider myself very lucky that my partner is such a person for me, but we have only few shared interests, and I'd very much like to make a friend with whom I can share some of the above things.

I have been at a book club years ago but I didn't like it very much because the books they read there weren't my taste and, again, I was by far the youngest. At a sports class, I haven't been able to make friends so far.

What would you do in my situation?

 

[Mary Terry]

When I moved from Salt Lake City to New Orleans in 1980, I didn't know a soul there. I volunteered as a docent at the Audubon Zoo. The zookeepers had me quietly sit at various animal exhibits with a stopwatch and a clipboard, and document what the animals did. I did studies on mating lions (try explaining that to an inquisitive child ), clouded leopards, sun bears, giraffes and nutria. Visitors stopped to talk to me, asking questions about what I was doing. I became friends with some of the zookeepers and began eating lunch with them. Several of them are friends to this day.

I know you don't have much free time but volunteering for something you're interested in will provide contact with people with similar interests. Maybe a local animal shelter?

 

[Outdated]

I moved to different states around my country a lot, and I also changed jobs often. Most of my friendships came from people I worked with. They'd invite you down the pub after work and it's sort of rude in some circumstances to say no, and through them you meet other people. Some you'll feel more comfortable with than others and naturally you'll just gravitate towards them more.

I think that's a lot more common with physical labourers and office workers though, not such a big thing with retail workers.

 

[FayetheAspie]

I wish I could give you some good advice, but I am afraid I don't really have any at the moment. My Mama and I have several common interests and I would consider her a friend, but a far as peers go I have 0 and it has been that way for years. Even as a child, I was doing pretty good if a "friend" stayed my friend past two weeks.

 

[vergil96]

I'd say join groups and events related to your hobbies, but I haven't had much success with that myself. E.g. book club, local sports events, clubs/groups/classes. Facebook groups related to your interests, a friend of mine succeeds at fining friends in facebook groups about interests, but I never had that much luck. They post on facebook about events as well, I thought about joining the local biking events or pair up for a biking trip like a lot of people do on these groups. Volunteering at the animal shelter seems like a good idea. The medieval music might be worth exploring as well? It seems like a more nerdy interest with a likely more tight-knit community. But yeah, personally, nobody "got me" outside university and work. It seems like one interest or topic of support is too little to bond over.

 

[Shamar]

I need some help/inspiration on how to make friends after my move to a new city. I am getting settled at my job and with the hour reduction I feel like I am slowly working up enough energy again to feel the need to make a friend.

I am fully aware that building a friendship takes time. I just would like some inspiration.

My go-to so far to make friends has been work / the place I spend most of my time at, but in my current situation that's not an option because although there are some people at my workplace whom I like and who seem to like me, my work is in another city and those colleagues don't live in the same city as me.
So I'm stuck in the tricky place where I need to figure out where to meet people and how to befriend someone - something I find extremely difficult if I don't see them every day (such as school or work).

I joined an autism support group, but the people there are considerably older than me, and so far there wasn't anyone I'd really vibe with.

As far as interests go, I like the following:
- reading
- working out / sport, although the specific sport changes every so often
- specific TV series and book series (books mostly fantasy)
- animals
- natural sciences, going to natural history museums or to the zoo
- going dancing/singing somewhere where I like the music - such as karaoke with a certain selection, or Irish/medieval music for dancing
Those seem to be the most consistent ones. I get new interests that spark up from time to time, but those aren't very durable.

Generally, I just want to meet someone who gets me. I probably watch too many TV series, but I want one of those friends quirky TV characters seem to have, the one they can unmask around and who's a safe person for them. I know that those are fictional and I shouldn't aim for it since it's unlikely to happen, but I still wish for it. I consider myself very lucky that my partner is such a person for me, but we have only few shared interests, and I'd very much like to make a friend with whom I can share some of the above things.

I have been at a book club years ago but I didn't like it very much because the books they read there weren't my taste and, again, I was by far the youngest. At a sports class, I haven't been able to make friends so far.

What would you do in my situation?

Let me see if I have this straight. You are asking US how to make friends? That is sort of asking politicians not to lie or contradict themselves during campaign season. Of course, that may be my own warped cynicism and social disability speaking out again.

 

[717]

well, i am not the best at making friends... but you are asking for free ideas... so here we go.

Try meeting people online, most of your interest dont need people in the same room anyway... so as examples I go to Second Life, and I visit few forums about my interests and stuff... on SL i have made some friends, we get together and watch movies stream in kast... so we watch movies together... there are also people that do books and DnD and all that... there are not that many people in SL, but the ones there are a good group of nerds and freaks and that is my kind of group...

Other thing you can do is get involve in places or activities that are social... there are social clubs, churches and the so... even small groups of niche activities are oportunities to meet people.

In my experience work place is a really bad place to make friends, you can meet people and be nice, but making friends there is usually a bad idea.

I think the karaoke thing is interesting, I sing alone at home, with videos in youtube of karaoke songs, I dont know if I am good or bad, but at least I have fun... if you can do this in front of other people, go for it, find a place around... this is probably your best option for finding the kind of friends you are looking for.

 

[kriss72]

I want one of those friends quirky TV characters seem to have, the one they can unmask around and who's a safe person for them.

This one touched me, yeah, that is how a friendship should be it also made me think about what a friendship means - is it someone you can call in the middle of the night if you feel down, knowing they would do the same to you, or someone you meet to hang out with once a year?

My most long time friendship is with someone I met at university 30+ years ago, we still meet several times a year even we live far from each other.

The most recent is an online one, with someone I met here at the forum.

With all my friendships (all doesn't mean "many" in this context), whether they lasted for decades or not, it's about someone taking the first step, and reaching out, that could be asking them to go to the zoo, some event, speaking to them, even you don't know them - or just sending them a private message... It isn't easy to do, at least not for me, but I have regretted not doing it more times than regretting that I did.

For meeting people in the first place, I agree with the others that have said to go out where there are people, if that is just going to the zoo for a walk every week - I bet you will start to recognize others doing the same, going to the museum or join a dancing group - I wouldn't go out to make friends, I would/am going out to places where I want to be, like the knitting/embroidery/crochet group I started attending a few weeks ago - or when I joined this forum, the people who do the same things as I like, a most likely the best candidates to become friends.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I know you don't have much free time but volunteering for something you're interested in will provide contact with people with similar interests. Maybe a local animal shelter?

Volunteering at a zoo/animal shelter would be a good idea, since I love animals, but unfortunately my city doesn't have a local zoo, and the animal shelter is quite far away, which doesn't make it convenient for driving there regularly. Thanks for the inspiration, though! I'll look into it, maybe there's something else.

The medieval music might be worth exploring as well? It seems like a more nerdy interest with a likely more tight-knit community.

That's true, although I must say that I'm not interested in facts about it. I just love listening and dancing to it.

This one touched me, yeah, that is how a friendship should be it also made me think about what a friendship means - is it someone you can call in the middle of the night if you feel down, knowing they would do the same to you, or someone you meet to hang out with once a year?

Interesting question - I define a friendship generally as someone you feel safe and comfortable with. How often and in which way you stay in contact can vary.

Thanks for the input and the inspirations. I'm already noticing how the idea of regularly going somewhere social or signing up for some volunteering etc. exhausts me. That's part of the issue - all of my energy goes into work, sometimes there's a day in-between though where I feel very energetic and wish for a local friend, but on many other days I am just too exhausted to be around people to make said friend. That's up to me to figure out, though. I appreciate the input!

 

[kriss72]

I once had a friend who said, "a friendship is like a flower, you need to water it and give it fertilizer to make it grow" - some flowers need more water than others... choose the kind of flower that fits you, they are out there...