I worry that I will never get a girlfriend.

[fendas]

In August 2019, I joined a discord server, in which I met the 24-year-old woman on whom I got a crush. We were on good terms sometimes. We talked to each other every day at one point. Other times, I made her uncomfortable. The worst instance was when I talked to someone with whom she was friends in the past, and he gave me her personal information, et cetera. I told her about it and made her have a panic attack. At the end of March, they banned me from the server, and she terminated our friendship. That makes me sad. In June, I was talking to someone who is in the discord server from which I was banned. He sent me a video which my crush had made with other people in the discord server. They were making a presentation about the server, and they were making fun of me in one of the slides. She dislikes me. That makes me sad. 4 months later, I can't stop thinking about her.

In February, a girl who lived close to me messaged me; she wanted to have sex with me. I agreed to it. The day she was going to come over, I was the most nervous I’ve been in my entire life. I was shaking all day. On my way home from school, I saw on my phone that my father was home, so I called it off. Shortly later, my father went to work. I told her that she could come, but it was too late. She later blocked me, because I was apparently rude when I criticized her for criticizing me for taking too long to respond to texts. In April, another girl messaged me wanting to have sex with me (who by the way also was mad at me for taking too long to respond to texts), but I turned her down, because I was too socially anxious, which people make fun of me for, which makes me sad.

I worry that I will never get a girlfriend. I think the amount of girls with whom I'm compatible is low, so how would I find one? I'm alone all the time. I transferred to a section of the school in which I sit alone in a room all day. I sit alone at lunch. I can't just approach random people; I imagine they would think "what is this autist doing talking to me". I would be socially incompetent; I wouldn't know what to say. I haven't talked to a girl in real life since May 2019. The only boy I've talked to is someone who sat at my table at lunch, asked me if I was in the section of the school which I was in previously, and left. But maybe this doesn't matter, I don't know. I don't know which details are relevant. The point I'm trying to make is that I'm alone all the time. I don't meet anyone. I can't imagine that changing in the future.

Whenever I'm reminded that people have sex, I get upset.

 

[Fino]

You're too young to worry about that. But I suppose you're going to anyway. You're too young for sex too.

 

[Giraffes]

Hi please try not to think you will never have a girlfriend, work to understand you and also 'social norm' and others feelings, you sound young, and never is a absolute who know what will happen in the future.

 

[Thinx]

I think it might be easier to make friends with a girl before you decide whether you want to have sex with her. See what you both have in common, whether you enjoy spending time together, and more. Rushing into sex sounds impersonal and stressful. Can you discuss this with your father, see what he thinks or would advise?

 

[Rasputin]

In August 2019, I joined a discord server, in which I met the 24-year-old woman on whom I got a crush. We were on good terms sometimes. We talked to each other every day at one point. Other times, I made her uncomfortable. The worst instance was when I talked to someone with whom she was friends in the past, and he gave me her personal information, et cetera. I told her about it and made her have a panic attack. At the end of March, they banned me from the server, and she terminated our friendship. That makes me sad. In June, I was talking to someone who is in the discord server from which I was banned. He sent me a video which my crush had made with other people in the discord server. They were making a presentation about the server, and they were making fun of me in one of the slides. She dislikes me. That makes me sad. 4 months later, I can't stop thinking about her.

In February, a girl who lived close to me messaged me; she wanted to have sex with me. I agreed to it. The day she was going to come over, I was the most nervous I’ve been in my entire life. I was shaking all day. On my way home from school, I saw on my phone that my father was home, so I called it off. Shortly later, my father went to work. I told her that she could come, but it was too late. She later blocked me, because I was apparently rude when I criticized her for criticizing me for taking too long to respond to texts. In April, another girl messaged me wanting to have sex with me (who by the way also was mad at me for taking too long to respond to texts), but I turned her down, because I was too socially anxious, which people make fun of me for, which makes me sad.

I worry that I will never get a girlfriend. I think the amount of girls with whom I'm compatible is low, so how would I find one? I'm alone all the time. I transferred to a section of the school in which I sit alone in a room all day. I sit alone at lunch. I can't just approach random people; I imagine they would think "what is this autist doing talking to me". I would be socially incompetent; I wouldn't know what to say. I haven't talked to a girl in real life since May 2019. The only boy I've talked to is someone who sat at my table at lunch, asked me if I was in the section of the school which I was in previously, and left. But maybe this doesn't matter, I don't know. I don't know which details are relevant. The point I'm trying to make is that I'm alone all the time. I don't meet anyone. I can't imagine that changing in the future.

Whenever I'm reminded that people have sex, I get upset.

Finding a girlfriend will happen in time, but you need to first work on finding a friend and developing social skills. Try to find social activities that interest you, and pursue them. Others will see you and want to be friends. Sitting in a room by yourself is not helping. Try to watch others your age and learn.

 

[fendas]

you sound young

Yes, my age is on my profile, 16 years (birthday: August 30th 2003).

I think it might be easier to make friends with a girl before you decide whether you want to have sex with her. See what you both have in common, whether you enjoy spending time together, and more. Rushing into sex sounds impersonal and stressful

Yes, of course. Did I make it sound like I want to rush into sex? I certainly don't.

Problem is, I'm not sure I have anything in common with anyone. Can I really enjoy spending time with someone? I'm not sure.

Can you discuss this with your father, see what he thinks or would advise?

He said I should be less autistic (wear fashionable clothes, stop sharing my controversial opinions) in order to get a girlfriend. That goes against my principles, so it feels like I can't discuss this with him anymore.

 

[Gerontius]

Hey Fendas--

16? Sex is not what you should be worrying about. Definitely not. Do it the old-fashioned way; there's a reason people kept that style for so long. Finish high school, get a college degree or a job, get married. That lets you have more fun. If you can't handle the commitment of getting married, then how will you handle the commitment of having kids? "Oh. Birth control." That doesn't always work, and depending on your religious or philosophical views, is morally incompatible with decent living. So suppose it fails you: she's preggers. "Oh. Abortion will help." Again, this gets thornier: if you're pro-life, then this isn't your plan to contribute to; if you're pro-choice then "her body her choice" and she might choose you a future of eighteen years' child support. Get married first!

(being a great husband and dad is easier than it looks, they say!)

NOW--On to the REAL tricky things. Nobody said you shouldn't have a girl friend at sixteen. In fact now is a good time to be making friends. Do not worry about your clothing & controversial opinions: I wear ancient clothes from the early 1900s and really don't think transitioning is the cure for gender dysphoria at all. Still have very good female friend (not girlfriend yet; she thinks college relationships are dumb.)

What I had to do, was just quit worrying about it & be friendly. You said something earlier about worrying would people hate you for coming up to them: no, nobody can see a big "Scarlet Letter" on you (A for Autism, oh no!). It's just that you are you. Autism isn't contagious either! You're fine, young man. Go and be friendly a little: don't force it but just be polite & expect nothing in return. That is the real good-quality personality that a lot of people would like to see more of: including a lot of girls.

Eventually some time when you're done with school & all that it should start looking up for you. In the meantime, no improvement like self-improvement. You have got this!

 

[Aspychata]

l was a virgin to quite late. Maybe it's different for guys. l thought human closeness was yucky. Somebody pinched my butt leaving homeroom, l turned around and slapped the person in back of me, who slapped me back lol

 

[UberScout]

Don't worry, fendas ! If Bubby got girl Bubby to share M's with too, that mean anyone can! Even you!

Just remember, hug make everything better!

 

[Kalinychta]

Sweetheart, you’re sixteen years old. Don’t think about sex yet. I am far, far more concerned about how alienated you feel. Your father loves you, but he probably doesn’t understand the complexity of your problems as an autistic person. I hope you continue to talk to us on the forum. Most of us know exactly what you’re up against. We understand.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Kid, my daughter is your age. All of us were your age at one time. Don't be in such a rush to grow up. Once you're an adult, you can never be a kid again.

And all of us thought we'd never have a girlfriend/boyfriend. But it happened.

One thing I tell my daughter is "Books Before Boys". You don't need a girlfriend. Focus on your future.

And by the way, if a 24 year old woman is into you, that is child abuse. You may not think so now, but in a few years you will look back and be like, "WTH was that?"

 

[Thinx]

Unfortunately your dad suggesting you be 'less autistic' isn't a real option, because you are autistic. You could possibly pretend you are not, masking your autism with clothing and behaviours that don't feel authentic but which fit a neurotypical pattern better, but I don't think this would in reality solve the issues.

You will likely feel better and also find social interaction least problematic if you be yourself, which I think is what @Gerontius is usefully recommending. I guess it's good to try to not overwhelm others with our strong opinions, but I don't see what's wrong with controversial opinions, it's great to be thinking for yourself.

Do you think either of your parents, or other family members, show autism traits? My father certainly did, and I think it made it tough for him to know how to parent children or find it easy to interact in the family. But also, parents who are neurotypical can feel concerned when a child does not subscribe to norms of behaviour, and may worry or feel it's a sign of problematic rebellion, rather than simply indicating genuine difference.

This is because neurotypical people tend to have agendas that underlie their behaviours, and they assume others do too, so he might be assuming you choose to be controversial in order to shock or impress others, rather than that you are just stating your real opinion in typical straightforward autistic fashion.

 

[fendas]

if a 24 year old woman is into you, that is child abuse.

She didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. Though she thought I was very cute, asked my height, called me a forbidden snack, and said that her 16-year-old self would’ve dated me awhile.

Do you think either of your parents, or other family members, show autism traits?

Maybe my mother, I don’t know, it kind of sounded like she was saying that she may have autism

 

[Dadamen]

I'm also 16 and worry that I'll never get my girlfriend. But I keep calm because most of my school friends don't have a girlfriend yet.

 

[Aspychata]

Unfortunately your dad suggesting you be 'less autistic' isn't a real option, because you are autistic. You could possibly pretend you are not, masking your autism with clothing and behaviours that don't feel authentic but which fit a neurotypical pattern better, but I don't think this would in reality solve the issues.

You will likely feel better and also find social interaction least problematic if you be yourself, which I think is what @Gerontius is usefully recommending. I guess it's good to try to not overwhelm others with our strong opinions, but I don't see what's wrong with controversial opinions, it's great to be thinking for yourself.

Do you think either of your parents, or other family members, show autism traits? My father certainly did, and I think it made it tough for him to know how to parent children or find it easy to interact in the family. But also, parents who are neurotypical can feel concerned when a child does not subscribe to norms of behaviour, and may worry or feel it's a sign of problematic rebellion, rather than simply indicating genuine difference.

This is because neurotypical people tend to have agendas that underlie their behaviours, and they assume others do too, so he might be assuming you choose to be controversial in order to shock or impress others, rather than that you are just stating your real opinion in typical straightforward autistic fashion.

Asking you to be less. l would like to ask him to be more of a dad and be understanding.

You sound normal. You have the worries that someone in your age group has. Friends? Am l attractive? Will l ever do it? This is pretty normal. When you stop dwelling on it, that's when life gets better. But if you constantly ruminate (We are known for this), then you can blow a gasket.

 

[VictorR]

1. Never say never.

2. Sometimes we have to let things play out. And not to get too religious or philosophical, but sometimes the wait can be part of the experience, or to put it another way, that the journey will help you appreciate the destination much more.

Three examples that come to mind are in the Dicken's classic The Tale of Two Cities, where Sydney gives up his love but then seems to find a new one in the seamstress in the end, and in more recent media, two played by Steve Carrell - his Michael Scott character in the American version of "The Office" and in the movie "The 40 Year Old Virgin."

 

[Dadamen]

Don't be too fake and don't change your personality, but try to hide the most autistic traits such as stimming, talking a lot about your special interest...

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

She didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. Though she thought I was very cute, asked my height, called me a forbidden snack, and said that her 16-year-old self would’ve dated me awhile.

That's child abuse. You'll realize it in a few years.

 

[Dadamen]

That's child abuse. You'll realize it in a few years.

Well yes, 24 yr old is a bit too old for a 16 yr old. I recommend you to try to talk and make friends with girls from school/street, friendship can grow into love and even if not, a good friend is also very valuable.