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i would like to be normal...very long, sorry

B

bool

New Member
hello. i turn 60 next week :-(

my brain is on overtime. all my life, i have struggled with social conventions and interactions. extremely impulsive, extremely hyper, often seems i have no filter.

i have never read about anyone who has my problems/symptoms. i am CONSTANTLY analyzing how i appear to others - in appearance, in voice, in body language. it never ever stops - even in my dreams. i wonder what other people IN THE CAR think about me - the guy in the car at the stoplight - is he looking at me? what does my hair look like?

i do not think i can adequately explain what my problem is but i know it is a major problem. had no close friends growing up and never dated in school or college. have had two major relationships but both of them were doomed by my social awkwardness/lack of filter thing. i don't always seem to know that what i am saying is wrong until afterward. i have been divorced 8 years now from a really wonderful guy - but he couldn't take the embarrassment -

i am not talking about a self-confidence issue - i know that sounds crazy, but it's not. i have a post-graduate degree in special education and am about to complete my 30th year of teaching elementary kids with special needs. i know i am smart and well-read about just about everything. i am also an excellent teacher. i look pretty good for almost 60 (!) BUT the problem is that i just can't seem to control my brain.

i thought i had the problem licked when i finally got an ADHD diagnosis in my 30s - went on zoloft and life changed for me - my anxiety issues were gone and i thought everything was going to be great. the brain overcharging did not change, however. when i started to get into trouble at work w/my impulsivitiy (things i cannot discuss because they are so humiliating - suffice it to say that i was just about to get fired - luckily i had administrators who appreciated my exceptional teaching). i went to my doctor and got off of zoloft and on prozac and voila! impulsivity gone - verbal impulsivitiy - i am calm and can finally understand how 'normal' people react in stressful situations. have gone 2 years without a problem at work (YAY)

but in all situations, my brain is still working working working. it's impossible for me to enjoy a social situation (even with good friends) because i am constantly assessing the situation - am i doing this right? am i doing this wrong? what does that person think about me? what does my hair look like? do i look fat? it is mind-boggingly horrible and it doesn't seem as if it will ever change. the more that i tell me myself to let it go, let it float away, etc. it just brings my attention back to the problem in the first place and the brain OT gets worse, instead of better.

does anybody out there have ANY idea what i am talking about?
 
I'm a little like that sometimes. I learned that if you don't try to control the situation, or the people involved, it makes things easier.
 
bool said:
does anybody out there have ANY idea what i am talking about?
Click to expand...

I suspect most of us know exactly what you are talking about to some extent. You aren't alone.

When I think of coming out of a deep sleep at times I feel just like my computer. Where I "boot up", the lights all go on and I can't stop thinking. It always gets worse at this time of year because it gets light out so much earlier. I lay in bed unable to get back to sleep as my mind races. Not something I could ever really stop. It's just who and what I am.

Welcome to AC.
 
The hyperactivity, impulsivity, and lack of filter can eaisly be attributed to ADHD. The obessessive thoughts sound a lot like OCD, or at least the first half of it. Could also be that having offended people in the past you are now hypervigilant in social contexts, constantly questioning yourself because not doing so has proven problematic. This is, of course, my own amature assessment, so take it for what it is.
 
Hi bool Welcome to our community. I recognize the feelings you talk about, where it's like we're being viewed under a brightly lit microscope, under intense scrutiny or consideration. I used to be mute in situations like this previously, even where I was in situations where the other people were familiar. I get this less these days but only because I have constructed an environment which minimizes unwanted interaction with others; I still felt like this quite recently when I had my mother stay because I'm generally unused to sharing my space, as is she. It helps when you can make allowances for & try to be kind to yourself because it's just part of our constitution. :)
 
Hi & Welcome.
I do have that issue to some extent, but it is rare it is bad enough to be uncomfortable. Usually it is at a pace faster then my peers but tolerable. Sometimes it interfers with sleep. I can kind of imagine what it might be like full on all the time and that would be hard.

You probably have explored this avenue, but have you done an internet search on just that issue, overactive brain/thinking?
I would imagine there are articles/discussions on it and perhaps targeted medications.
 
Hi ... I'm new here too ...

I have similar issues ... I can definitely relate. I used alcohol to self-medicate for years (mostly successfully but to great detriment in the long run--definitely NOT a good idea ...).

I am still using cannabis now to help with this (instead of other antidepressants especially since cannabis is one of my "special interests")--but it doesn't cure it--only alleviates it sometimes and other times I still get overly pre-occupied with these things anyways ...
 
Welcome!

Yes, I can relate to the hyper brain activity, and to the constant assessment you speak of involving social situations. I used to be very much like that. It was very uncomfortable indeed.

When I was a child, I could rarely sleep through the night. My parents took me to the pediatrician, and he said I just had an "overactive" mind. Well, duh. Nothing was ever done about it though.

When I began my psych meds, I finally found some relief. I was diagnosed with "obsessive rumination." The psychiatrist put me on Effexor, and that really quieted my mind down. Of course, I'm not nearly as quick-witted or creative as I used to be either; but, that's the tradeoff for some sort of normalcy and the ability to sleep well.

Maybe you need a different or additional medication? It's hard sometimes to get the right medication or "cocktail" to manage a specific symptom. I was lucky it only took maybe half a dozen tries before the Effexor did the job.

On a side note, I wouldn't prescribe Zoloft to anyone. I don't about you, but that drug gave me some weird thoughts.
 
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