Welcome to AC, Dillon! You've made the right choice, so many wonderful folk here and I've learned so much from the other members. I'm 29 and was just diagnosed with Asperger's but not formally. It explains so much, and why I am the way I am...at least I'm glad to have an answer. I studied computer science in college and learned a lot, but socially everything was going downhill. My social skills have been extremely poor from the start and I was a lone wolf for many years. I made this big leap after overcoming my shyness and tried to become friends with all my fellow computer scientists. Boy what a pitfall that was. I tried way too hard and ended up behaving in a very off-putting and obnoxious manner; most people ended up hating me and I became a social outcast. All I wanted was to have what they had; everyone just magically got along with everyone else. Nobody accepted me for my good qualities, but I can't blame them...I've exhibited just way too much of the bad. I didn't even know I had Asperger's back then, and everything I did to push all those people away made me even more depressed and alone. Many people thought I was crazy; some thought I was on drugs; but most thought I was just a crazy jerk. Well, at least I got some preparation for my job from that place. I have so many more regrets that I just drown myself in, it doesn't feel good.
I've improved slightly over the years after graduation; I've been working the same job for a while and I've observed much of the behavior from my NT boss and colleagues. I'm able to grasp SOME facial expressions (like the "annoyed grimace") and don't behave in the same off-putting manner as I did in college, I did learn a lesson; I did almost regress into that though, once or twice...put a strain on my relationships with a couple of coworkers. Otherwise I just always get on so many people's nerves with my anxieties, whining and complaining, neediness and clinginess, immaturity and difficulty controlling my emotions.
Currently I'm working with my psychologist on self-improvement so that I can cope better among NT's. I already managed to make a few NT friends who accept me for who I am over the past couple of years, and I keep clinging to them like a moth to a flame - even worse. My doc told me to tone it down, or I'll scare them away. No matter what, I listened - I cannot let history repeat itself. It kills me that I can't hang out with them every weekend, I'm tired of being the mayor of Alonesville.
So I used to draw a lot when I was a kid; I used to also be interested in streetlights and sprinklers. I like the outdoors in terms of just taking brisk walks; things like camping, though - I don't do them because I'm scared of bats and insects...and wild animals, of course. I'm afraid of just so many things, it's hard to keep count. Right now I'm very fascinated by construction sites - only to observe them, not work in construction. I work in software development, and I'm very perplexed as to how I kept a job out in the real world for so many years. Probably my strong programming skills and the fact that despite being beyond weird, I'm still a nice guy. Anyway, I'll end the rant here; this site is so good for just pouring my heart out!! Thanks for joining, man.
