Ideal vacation?

[DogwoodTree]

What would your ideal vacation look like?

Beach? Mountains? A city? A cruise? Staying home?

With or without other people?

I don't want this to sound like I'm a whiny brat who should just be thankful for what I've got and make myself enjoy it, but here's my dilemma. My family has made a tradition of going on a whole-entire-family vacation (almost a dozen kids ages 12 and under, and a dozen+ adults, including my dad who is mentally ill, was abusive when I was a kid, and is still very difficult to tolerate) to celebrate a major career accomplishment for one of us. Like when a sister finished her residency. Or another sister got a book published. I've always gone along with it because I felt it was my contribution to make sure my family (DH and 4 kids) and I showed up to support that person in their celebration.

Well, my turn is coming up. I've been working toward a major milestone in my career, and it will be complete by end of February. So over T'giving, people started talking about where to go and what to do to celebrate my accomplishment.

Problem is, I don't want to go. At all.

I did the other trips because I wanted to show my support for my sisters, not because I particularly wanted to be there myself. So if this trip is to "celebrate" me...is it acceptable for me to turn it down because it's not something I would really enjoy?

For me, the "ideal" vacation is something more along the lines of just DH and the kids and me doing something...NOT having to spend a whole week sharing the same house with so many people, most of whom right now I just don't enjoy being around. Someone suggested doing a cruise, but I REALLY don't like that idea. There's nowhere to escape to! There's absolutely no chance, if things got terrible, to just up and leave. (And cruises have never, ever appealed to me...ever.)

And I really, really, REALLY don't want to be the center of attention in my family!!! It turns my stomach to think about it.

I'd much prefer just to stay home, or close to home. DH and I, this past year for our first "just our family and not going to visit family" vacation, did a stay-cation. We stayed home, and went out on day trips to various places with the kids each day. Museums, baseball game, hiking, bike ride...it was different each day, and most days it was a surprise for the kids. They'd get up each morning and ask, "Where are we going today?!", and it was a guessing game as we piled into the van and took off. The money we would have spent on travel expenses and renting a place and eating out all the time, instead we put into annual memberships at museums and things, so we get to take a day here and there throughout the rest of the year to re-experience parts of our stay-cation.

I'm comfortable with DH and my kids. I don't want to be around everyone else, though. I'm struggling with the idea of just telling them "no" on the whole thing. I'm also trying to brainstorm other suggestions I can make that would be more of a compromise. Let them do their celebrating, family vacation thing, and still give me space to get away as much as possible. But even that requires traveling...with my kids in tow (youngest will be 4 by then)...and constantly worrying about what the kids are being exposed to with the rest of the family.

The most recent whole-family vacation was a year-and-a-half ago, and all the drama leading up to that trip just about broke the family in two. My pastor spent some time before the trip coaching me on how to stay calm and not get caught in the drama while we were around everyone. But it was very stressful, a lot more has happened since then, and I really just don't want to have to face it again.

So, trying not to make this sound like a pity party. Who in their right mind would complain about a free vacation? But I've been dreading this dilemma for years now, I know I'll dread the trip every day leading up to it if we agree to do it, and I'll probably just p1$$ everyone off during the trip anyway because nothing they'll think I'll want will actually appeal to me (and most of it would actually be very stressful to tolerate), and nothing I actually want will satisfy them.

 

[On the Inside]

I'll try not to be snotty about it. I've never been offered a free vacation at anytime. In fact, many times I've gone on "vacation" visiting someone and wound up helping them with some project, chore or even their job.

My ideal vacation is one where I am with my family, maybe visiting friends, or they come along, and there is ample time for a wide variety of activities, preferably outdoors. Mountains in summer or winter, for hiking and skiing, beach for swimming, surfing, sailing, northern lakes/woods for swimming, canoeing, kayaking, hiking, mountain biking.

You get the picture, not a lot of time spent sitting around "engaging" with people. To quote an Elvis song "a little less conversation a little more action". Though he was talkin' bout a different sort of action.

Plus the ability to wander off by myself or one other person for a spell is good. Out for beers at local brewpubs, checking out street food options, etc. Just so everyones needs aren't always having to be considered. And I need to get out and go for a run by myself at least.

 

[Harrison]

Free trip is a free trip.

My ideal is either woodlands, mountains and lakes or ancient historical sites.

 

[The Penguin]

Antarctica. I been waiting to see penguins my whole life. I don't want to go to some dam zoo. I want to see them in their natural habitat. It would't be with people. My people are penguins not humans.

 

[Ellylldan]

DogwoodTree, you seem really terrified by the prospect of that vacation! And I totally understand you!

I think, you should feel yourself if you want to turn down this vacation. Would you family be able to accept your decision not to go?
What I want to say is that you should remember that it is celebration of your achievement and you can celebrate it any way you like! You want to go for a trip only with your husband and kids because it would make you happy? I don't see why others would want to object it.
Maybe you could celebrate with all your family with a dinner and go for a trip or have a "stay-cation" just with your husband and kids? How is that for a compromise?

I just strongly believe that it's a violence to do what others want you to do against your own will... Sometimes we just have to bear it for those we love. But sometimes, like in this situation, it's supposed to be something for you, so you have all the right to do what you really would enjoy! I think

Edit: Answering the question about ideal vacation, for me it would be a forest and mountains! Also I would enjoy some northern sea with rocky shores.

 

[Flinty]

Right now, it's Paris. About 725 Air Miles to go, which will likely take until around May, unless I have to use the miles elsewhere.

 

[GoofKing]

My idea of a vacation would to be secluded all by myself, while having a months supply of food and beer and my Linux box

 

[Warmheart]

Warmest, heartfelt congratulations of your upcoming achievement! If you can tolerate such a situation as the family vacation you describe, go and enjoy! I wish you happiness! I, however, would never be able to cope with any situation involving 12 children, as many adults, non-stop socialization. For my sensitivities, no destination under those conditions (so many people, so many children, socialization ongoing) would be worth the shutdowns and overwhelm. I know that there are family expectations and tradition, but knowing now how much such things impact me, I now have no problem defining healthy boundaries, and politely but clearly saying "No, thank you."

A pleasant, cheery celebration of your accomplishment could be had quietly, with simply your immediate family of hubby and kids, in any way that feels comfortable for you.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I, however, would never be able to cope with any situation involving 12 children, as many adults, non-stop socialization. For my sensitivities, no destination under those conditions (so many people, so many children, socialization ongoing) would be worth the shutdowns and overwhelm. I know that there are family expectations and tradition, but knowing now how much such things impact me, I now have no problem defining healthy boundaries, and politely but clearly saying "No, thank you."

This is pretty much the issue. It's a "free" vacation with a very high price tag...my mental stability.

My family's dysfunctions have become more obvious to me and more difficult to tolerate over the past couple of years, especially this past year. I've been through a mental health crisis this year that I didn't tell them about (because they wouldn't have handled it in healthy, functional ways). As I've learned more about myself through all of this, I've discovered why these trips have stressed me out so much, and I really just don't want to put myself through that right now.

If it was someone else's celebration...where the person being celebrated would enjoy it...I might force myself to follow through anyway, to honor them, even though I wouldn't enjoy it myself. But if I'm the one being celebrated, and yet I won't enjoy it...then why, why, why bother?

 

[Aspieistj]

I think it is time to explain to everyone involved that you have experienced many large gatherings with family and friends and feel sort of 'Been there,done that." Tell them that you actually prefer a very quiet, private vacation with only your immediate family and thank them for their congratulations on your achievement. Tell them that the older you get the more you long for a very peaceful and private get away. Explain that you aren't really a "groupie" and that you have gone along on large gatherings only to honor a particular person. Ask that all involved make a contribution to your favorite charity, tell them you have been very stressed accomplishing this goal and that the nicest thing they could do for you would be to allow you to get away alone, or with only your immediate family, for a very personal and quiet time of relaxation. If they don't accept your choice, or understand your very peculiar needs, simply say you have joined these large gatherings for years, doing something you don't enjoy, in order to be nice to them. Tell them it is now their turn to be nice to you and tolerate your unusual preference. If they are disappointed in not having another huge get together, encourage them to honor you in absentia. Tell them you love them but that you are different from them in that you crave a very quiet, private celebration with only your immediate family. Then, do not make the mistake of including someone else, or visiting someone else while you take you desired vacation.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Ask that all involved make a contribution to your favorite charity...

Very good advice...the whole post...especially this part. Hadn't thought of that. Thank you.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Italy, Hawaii, and any historical sites with someone who has been there and knows where they're going so I don't get lost.

 

[princess_ria]

quiet time in an organized craft space so I can make things!

or a solo trip to Paris, assuming I could understand French.

 

[clg114]

For me, remote a possible. For my wife, not so much. Since I have no desire to go anywhere with out my wife, we compromise. Last year we went to the Oregon cost. We went in late September to try to avoid the crowds.

 

[epath13]

I think the location is not as important as knowing what is going to be done and how much money is going to be spent. We went to New York for a day. I personally regret that I haven't been prepared for the trip. It still was ok to me, I enjoyed it, but my family could have used a good plan. I didn't prepare any plan because I'd been having migraine for several days nonstop, I just wanted to rest. My husband was too busy with work and other parts of the trip, like hotel reservations, plane seats (we travel stand-by), possible complications. I know with migraine I could have just stayed home, but because I decided to go I should have taken responsibility for planning. Most of our vacations, if planned - go well, if not planned - may still go well but are more stressful. For me location depends on my current state of mind. One thing for sure, I don't like sitting in one spot (even of it's on a beach with a nice drink in my hand). I like walking, seeing interesting stuff, exploring. It doesn't have to be extreme. I don't mind just walking for hours and hours then coming back to a nice hotel.